Monthly Archives: May 2009

A Dad Listens to Indignation

phone2One evening, I was getting ready to bring my son to his best friend’s house. They are six and seven years old. My son’s friend, Larry, wanted to have his other best friend, Evan, over at the same time. We found out that Evan had the chicken pox, so we called Larry’s parents and said we didn’t think we wanted our son exposed. The parents agreed that this was reasonable, and they called Evan’s family to cancel that plan.

But Larry, my son’s very best friend, was enraged! He had wanted Evan to come to his birthday party the weekend before, and he hadn’t been able to come. He’d been very disappointed. This was the last straw–he had made plans to spend the evening with both of his best friends, and now we had spoiled the whole thing. His parents told me that he demanded to speak to me over the phone. They tried to “cool him down,” but he would have none of it.

He called me and spent a long time and a great amount of energy telling me how angry he was and how bad I was for ruining his evening. He went on and on. At one point, his father interrupted him, got on the phone, and tried to end the conversation. I told the father that Larry wasn’t finished, and that I wanted to finish hearing how he felt. So he put Larry back on the phone, and Larry continued being heated and indignant about the injustice I had caused.

After awhile longer, he seemed to become less coherent in his thoughts, so I asked him if he wanted to stop now, and continue when I got there with my son. He said OK. When I got there, he was entirely finished, and didn’t want to go back into feeling upset. His parents said they’d never seen anything like it!

When he gets upset, he usually gets physical and harsh, but after I listened to him all the way through, he got off the phone and he felt pleased, peaceful, and satisfied. He was glad to see me. Because I listen to my son cry and work through heavy feelings, it didn’t seem like much to me. But this boy rarely has an opportunity to express his feelings all the way to completion, so it seems like he was able to use my listening to get a significant piece of work done on his indignation that night.

- A Parenting by Connection Dad

Keeping Feelings Moving

One of our longtime instructors tells a story about an interaction with her daughter that happened early in her divorce. The instructor was angry and frustrated with her soon-to-be ex-husband. She had just ended a difficult phone conversation with him. She was brimming with emotion as she stood at the kitchen sink in tears. Her young daughter came into the room and asked her what was wrong. She told the girl, honestly but briefly, “I’m upset about your dad.” The daughter opened her arms and ran across the room to hug her mother saying, “I miss him too,” and burst into tears.

In this moment, parent and child were able to share comfort and connection, even though their feelings of upset had different beginnings and tones. Children need to share their feelings with us. They need our loving attention in order to feel safe enough to fully experience their often intense and sometimes frightening emotions. Human beings of all ages have a basic need to “feel felt.” We are social animals built to experience and share our lives with others like us. When the full range of our emotional experience is welcomed, we feel connected, whole and well.

One thing we all know about emotions is that they rapidly change. (The word emotion comes from the French esmovoir “to set in motion, i.e., to move the feelings.”) Tempers can flare in an instant. And just as easily, an experience that made us furious when it happened becomes an amusing anecdote once we get a little distance from it. The classmate we couldn’t stand in fifth grade becomes much more appealing as Senior Prom rolls around.

Our mood fluctuates like internal weather; sometimes our attitude is sunny, sometimes it is stormy, but it is always ready to flow into something else. Being stuck in one emotion is a sure sign that children need our loving attention in order to coax the natural process of emotional flexibility back into action. Our warm acceptance brings out the upset that is clogging the works and allows the child to feel felt as they share whatever rain needs to fall before their internal skies can be sunny again.

“Sounds easy on paper,” you say, “But how exactly do I do that?” Tomorrow, set aside some time to notice what your child is feeling. Do they wake up grumpy or delighted? Are they pleased they dressed themselves or dismayed that Special Time is over? Watch how they shift through a range of feelings over a short amount of time. Notice when feelings get “stuck,” or are carried from one situation into the next. Be aware of any tension building. When upset builds (which happens to all of us sooner or later), go to your child, make eye contact, touch him warmly and reassuringly, show your interest, and see what happens. As children take in your willingness to share emotional moments with them, they will increasingly accept your offers of connection to show you the feelings they carry, so they don’t have to manage them alone.

As your child’s built up feelings start to find expression, your job is to attend to these emotions. We call this Staylistening, and it’s your key to helping your child feel felt. His emotions might be loud and they probably won’t be pretty, but they are normal.

Listening to the feelings loosens their hold on your child. There’s nothing you need to fix or change. Simply give your child your warm, caring attention. You don’t need to agree that the emotions are warranted or feel responsible for redirecting your child into a different, more sensible response. Your child will feel felt whenever you can act as a generous and interested audience that is ready to share in the processing of these feelings. (His appreciation of your steadfast caring comes at the end of his emotional outburst, though–he can’t manage to give you love or reassurance during the upset.) His great big feelings can then dissolve into the flow of feelings that move and change with your child through the day.

For more in-depth information you may want to read the Listening to Children booklets you can order through our website: www.handinhandparenting.org

- Juli Idleman and Patty Wipfler

How Children Turn Out when Parents Listen to Their Feelings

brothers2I have been listening to my son’s feelings for several years now. He is now 7 years old, and is able to listen really well to his brother who is 6 years younger.

When our younger son was about 6 months old, we were driving in the car and he started to cry. I think he wanted to get out of the car seat. He was facing the rear, and our older son was facing forward. The baby was crying pretty hard and I thought I’d better pull over because I didn’t want my older son to get irritated at the baby.

Then I heard him say in a very gentle voice, “I’m right here Jack. You’re not alone.” I said, “Do you want me to pull over, son?” He said, “No. He’s okay. He just needs to see someone’s face while he gets some feelings out.”

I have seen the baby, who is now 21 months, get hurt and start to cry and his brother will get in real close with him, hold him, and make eye contact while he listens to him cry. He is very relaxed and in no rush to get him to stop. He also knows enough to say when he doesn’t want to listen and will walk away when he sees that his brother is in good hands.

They have their moments when they don’t get along, but the listening that my son has experienced has helped him be so compassionate and sweet with his brother. I am so pleased that the tools have had this effect on my son.

–a mother in Austin, TX

Setting a Limit Brings Healing

baby showerOnce when my twins were about 16 months old, and taking a bath, one of them pulled up the shower knob and doused themselves with cold water. Both of them cried a long time.  Several nights after this my daughter willingly returned to the tub, but my son would have none of it.

I’d had problems with them disliking the bath before this and had always had a hard time knowing what to do.  Before I learned about the Hand in Hand approach, I either forced them to take a bath, doing it as quickly as possible, or I avoided giving them a bath at all.  As I sat in the bathroom thinking about what to do, I realized I could hold the limit that the bath was going to happen and simultaneously wait until the feelings had cleared enough to allow him to return of his own volition.

I got down on the floor with him and told him he had to take a bath.  He cried really hard.  When his crying slowed down I reminded him that he needed to get into the tub.  Each time this would bring on new tears. After a while, my daughter completed her bath and I had to move on to bedtime.

Three different times my daughter got in the bath while I sat on the floor and held out the idea that he would get into the bath while he cried about it.  I was just starting to despair that this was not going to change when he pointed to the bath animals.  “Crab?” he asked.  When I responded he said, “In,” indicating the bathtub.  “Crab swimming,” he said.  “Yes,” I agreed.  This went on until we had all of the animals in the water, “swimming.”

Then as if nothing had ever happened he lifted up his arms and told me he wanted in.  I couldn’t believe it!  Holding onto my desire for him to take a bath while simultaneously allowing all of his feelings their space allowed us to thoroughly and completely heal this situation.

- a mom in California

The “Hair-Washing Machine”

duckI thought you might like this Father’s Day story.

I’m the one who is the most enthusiastic about all this connection/playful parenting. Everything I have seriously tried has made my relationship with our son better. My husband has been skeptical at times.

 But yesterday, when we were trying to get our son to take a bath and wash his hair, something my son hates, my husband started acting silly and became a “hair-washing machine,” using a robot voice, etc. My husband got our son in the tub with no crying, got him to sit down with no crying and washed his hair with minimal crying. We were all laughing about the “hair-washing machine.”

I had never had success cutting my son’s nails when he was awake. But later that same day–I couldn’t believe it!– the “nail-cutting machine” did it without a flinch! Fathers are great!

–a mother in Oakland, CA

Special Time Changes Our Mornings

alarm clockWhen my son started preschool, getting used to the new routine was hard for us all. We were all used to our pretty laid- back mornings where my son would sleep until he woke up on his own. When he did wake up, we would hang out in pajamas and play for a while and not worry about breakfast until he said he was hungry or get dressed until we were ready to go out.

Of course preschool changed all this! Now I was giving orders all morning. “Time to get up,” Eat your breakfast,” “We need to get dressed,” and worst of all, “We don’t have time to play, we have to go!” All this happened even though I’m actually pretty relaxed about having to be at school “on time.” As I said to a friend, there are no tardy bells in preschool!

My son didn’t like this scenario at all either. He became frustrated easily and I listened to many tantrums around trivial issues like the shoes he wanted to wear, or whether I put milk on his cereal (or not!). I understood that it was good to listen to his feelings, and was OK about doing that (most of the time). But I was still feeling like a drill sergeant, and I could tell that my son was left feeling like he never got to do what he wanted to do in the mornings. It was a lousy way to start the day for us all!

After reading a success story in which the parent did Special Time for 5 minutes every night, it occurred to me that we might try Special Time in the mornings. We already do Special Time with him several times each week, but usually in longer chunks. It hadn’t occurred to me that such a small amount of time would be useful, but it certainly seemed worth a try.

When we introduced Special Time into our mornings, I made a chart with pictures of all the things we have to do in the morning, including Special Time. As I was making the chart, I thought about where to put Special Time in our morning routine. The temptation was to put it after all the “business” had been taken care of, but I realized that in order to build a good current connection with my son, it would be best if Special Time was first thing we did.

The changes have been tremendous. Where before just getting out of bed was sometimes a struggle, now when he wakes up (even if he has to be gently woken) he hops up and says, “Let’s do Special Time!” Our struggles over getting dressed and ready to go are significantly diminished. Now when I need to get him moving, I can just ask him to look at the list and tell me what we need to do next. Now I don’t have to be the nag. I get to be the assistant who helps him get dressed, brush teeth, etc. when he tells me it’s time. We still have days when getting out the door is a struggle, but things are much smoother. Taking just 5 minutes to make sure that things go his way first thing in the morning starts us out on a note of connection and cooperation.

— a mother in Arlington, VA

Listening to my Husband

holdinghandsMy husband was starting to do the bills and family finances on Sunday morning. This is usually a stressful issue for him and I could tell this was not how he wanted to be spending his time. I offered him some listening time and he hesitated. I said I was not pressuring him, but that I was available to listen if he wanted it.

So he started talking. He was in a pretty tender place and I stopped him for a moment to encourage him to just feel that weight and burden. He began to sob. I don’t know if he got it all out. The kids were coming into the room asking for my attention and I told them I was talking to Daddy, and I would help them in 5 minutes. He cleared out enough to be able to express some frustration around money and handling the bills. Some of this was directed at me, so I just stayed focused on listening and not taking it personally. I told him we could address requests or issues he had with me later. I was here to listen.

Doing this listening was just great! I have never before been able to listen to him without getting upset too, and mirroring his energy, which would end up in a big fight. I felt I was so present and there for him. He was the focus, not me.

I learned that I don’t have to feel everything he is feeling in order to connect with him. This is a valuable tool for our family and all of our other relationships. I was far more supportive than I usually can be. I could feel like I was his partner and ally rather than a victim of his frustration.

After he finished we then switched to conversation, and he was able to ask for help from me. We discussed what it means to each of us to take on household issues. He told me a little later that he felt better and more capable to take on this task for the day. I thanked him for trusting me. The next day I was able to complete the list of things he needed help with, without it feeling like a burden. We both agreed we would like to do more listening with each other.

–a wife and mother in San Francisco

Homework Meltdown

homeworkMy daughter (almost 11) started middle school three weeks ago. Everything was going smoothly and it seemed like she was handling the whole transition in a very calm and cheerful manner. Well, life can never be that good, can it?

Yesterday, she came home with quite a bit of homework. She has never been scared by homework, she usually sits down and does it. Yesterday, however, she kept saying, “I can’t concentrate,” “I can’t do it,” and was asking me to help her. I did not understand what was really going on right away and I suggested she move to a quieter room, instead of the kitchen table.

After an hour she was still not progressing, and by then she was very nervous. She was crying, shouting, trying to hurt me physically, and yelling at me what a terrible mother I am. I decided it was time for me to set the limit, get closer and see what came out. I had her sit right next to me and do her homework, while I was timing her and watching closely what she was doing. I should add the task she was working on was really easy and on a regular day it would have taken her 5 to 7 minutes max. That’s how I realized that the stress had nothing to do with the actual task.

The whole time, a lot of steam and anger were coming out. Sitting closely and watching her, I also noticed she was using a very slow and meticulous manner of writing, which was not her own. I asked her to write faster. As she was writing and sobbing, she said something about how she can’t write as nicely and neatly as one of the other girls in her class, and I finally realized what had been bothering her the entire time.

After she calmed down, I spent some time admiring her qualities as a person and as a student, and reminding her how comparing yourself to others is not a smart thing to do. I can easily see how the fact that I was not fully attuned to her from the very beginning made the situation worse, but I feel good things came out of it.

Getting closer to my daughter as she did her homework allowed her to offload some of the things that were sitting there waiting for the right time to come out. (Like her high expectations for herself and her fear of not fulfilling them.) For the rest of the evening we were very close and connected, and I could see the thankful look in her eyes, and that’s worth it all!

- a mom in Israel

Feelings About a Sick Sibling

thermometer2Although my 6-year-old and 2-year-old daughters are very close most of the time, the older one has reacted negatively on the few occasions her younger sister has been sick, becoming uncharacteristically resentful or saying things like, “I wish I were the one who was sick!” Clearly there is jealousy at the attention her little sister gets at these times, even if it just involves administering medicine.

In the past, before I was as involved in the practices of Hand in Hand, my husband and I tried to apply logic to the situation–pointing out the misguidedness of wishing sickness upon yourself, or asking my older daughter how she would like it if we acted mean when she was sick–in a way that conveyed disapproval. But this time when it came up, I was ready to practice Staylistening.

It started when my nanny came home from the park with both girls and informed me that the younger one was running a fever. I started to look for some medicine. My older daughter immediately acted belligerent and ran off to her room to yell and cry. As soon as I had given our nanny the medicine, I followed my oldest to her bed and sat with her for a bit.

“There’s always enough love for you. Whether your sister is sick or healthy, there’s always enough love for you.” She responded, “No, there’s not!” She was letting out sharp cries and sweating. Then she ran away to another room. I followed her again, continuing to try to be supportive while she expressed her emotions. Sometimes I kept making those statements in a loving tone, and sometimes I just held her quietly and stroked her hair.

Interestingly, my mother was visiting us at the time. She and my oldest have an amazing bond and seem inseparable whenever my mother stays with us, but while my daughter’s tantrum was going on, my mother stayed at a distance, despite hearing all the commotion. Then after a while my mother yelled out from another room, “This is getting tedious!” Finally, as my daughter began to quiet down, my mother came in and I explained what was going on.

It was interesting to be reminded of how common it is for parents (or grandparents) to have this reaction to a child’s tantrum–reflexively negating the release of emotion without investigating what’s going on–and to think back on how my own upsets as a child were handled along these lines. Despite being somewhat stunned at my daughter’s vehement emotion, I felt positive about trying to handle it differently this time.

Ultimately, she calmed down and seemed ready to move on to other things. I told her I was blowing up a big love bubble all around her and playfully mimed doing this, which she seemed to appreciate. Then, within the next 24 hours, she did two surprising things. She made several homemade cards, featuring various drawings, and tied them with a ribbon as a get-well gift to her still-sick sister. And, while her sister had a poor appetite, my daughter arranged a “picnic” on our living room floor with dolls and a blanket and food to “cheer her sister up,” she told me. She actually got her sister to eat a bit. These were unprecedented acts of caring and generosity while her sister was sick.

- a mom in Los Angeles