Monthly Archives: June 2009

The Value of a Good Tantrum

cryingtoddlerLast weekend, somewhere between the collards and the spinach, the peaceful plodding of putting in our Fall garden went wrong and I got really grumpy with my husband, Tom.
One minute we were chatting over seedlings and the next I was feeling wronged and misunderstood.  After some less than helpful squabbling, Tom, brilliant man that he is, took a deep breath, looked right at me, and said, “OK, tell me all of it.”"I hate it when you judge me!” I ranted and raved.  I went on recounting inconveniences that were building steam in the back of my mind as resentments.  Before I knew it, I was talking about the hard look in my mother’s eyes when she deemed one of my childhood accomplishments beneath her notice. He was sitting right beside me handing me a Kleenex.  And I was already starting to feel better.

When I stepped into the garden half an hour before, I had had no idea all of that was brewing inside of me.  If my husband hadn’t stopped to pay attention and listen, I might not know it now.  That gift of caring attention helped me release the feelings that were interfering with my ability to relate to Tom and feel connected and understood.  I also learned some important things about myself while building a stronger sense of closeness in my marriage.

And this is exactly what children need when they have their tantrums.  Whether you are four or forty, being human means having to deal with a lot of feelings, feelings that don’t come with a time stamp. They can sneak up on you, just like Tom triggering memories of how small and insignificant I felt as a child under my mother’s judgmental gaze.  And we all, big and small, deserve the opportunity to share how we feel in a caring, thoughtful and non-judgmental space.

It saddens me when I hear parents proudly say they don’t put up with tantrums and send their kids off to the solitary confinement of their rooms until they can behave “properly.”  I know they love their children, but what a lost opportunity to nurture and support them!  That would be like my husband telling me, “I have no intention of loving all of you.  I only want to see the parts that work for me.”

We are social animals.  We all need connection with others.  And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed with feelings, relating “properly” gets hard to do.  But opening your heart and your arms to the feelings that are overwhelming your child clears her mind, allows her to think and learn unhindered by emotional baggage and builds an essential level of trust and closeness in the relationship between you.

So, the next time your two-year-old starts to fall apart in the grocery store, just imagine I am there with you, with one arm around your shoulders saying, “Wow!  You’re a lucky parent. What a great chance for you guys to get closer.”  Maybe that will help you take a deep breath, bend down, and say, “Tell me all of it.”

–Juli Idleman

A Limit on Aggression Helps Build Connection

boy with blocksI had a student who exhibited lots of aggressive behavior towards his classmates in the form of hugging too hard, bumping into them on purpose, speaking loudly up close to their faces and excluding kids from his games.  The other children felt intimidated by this boy and some commented that he was “mean.”    I will call him Joey.

Joey’s mom had a hard time listening to his feelings at home. My impression was that Joey was in need of having a huge cry to release his pent up feelings, but he couldn’t get to tears very easily since he was required to repress them at home.

One morning at school, Joey pushed another child.  I didn’t manage to get there in time to prevent the push, but I did decide that today was the day to set a limit and get more physical with it.  I gently came over and wrapped my arms around Joey and said, “Joey, I can’t let you hurt other children.”  I pulled him into my lap with a firm hug and kept him there.

At first, he laughed and thought I was going to let him go.  I held on, gently but firmly.  He tried to get up but I held him in my lap.  I was working at helping him get to tears. When he realized I was not going to let him go, he began to struggle and sweat and yell.

I reassured him that I would let him go soon, but for now, I really wanted to keep him close. I told him he was safe, and that I loved him and I couldn’t let him hurt others.  Within only a few minutes, he began to cry in a way he usually didn’t.  He continued to struggle and sweat and cry for about five minutes.  At this point, I told him I was going to let him get up and that he was safe and I was his friend.  After moving away from me, he said all kinds of angry things like he would never be my friend and I would not be able to come to his house to play.  I stayed close but did not touch him or restrain him. I just watched and kept good eye contact and lots of warmth in my voice.

After a minute or two, he turned to the children who were playing nearby and said, “Can I play?  I can help you build that tower if you like.”  There was warmth and lightness in his voice and demeanor that had never been there before. The kids agreed and the rest of the day went so well for Joey and the others. He was more relaxed, more cooperative and more gentle than he had ever been.

- A Teacher in California

Connecting with Teens through Play

guys shoeMy son is 15 now, and he’s much bigger than I am. He used to chase me, and get me down and tickle me. And he just loves that, absolutely loves that. He laughs and laughs.

Now, he’ll take a stinky shoe or a stinky sock, and chase me around, or pick his toenails and try to gross me out with what he found. Of course, I am very grossed out, playfully! My yelping and running gets him laughing and playing hard.

This kind of play is really good, because he’s so big and strong; it’s a way we can have fun without me being too overpowered.

–a mother in Berkeley, CA

What About Those Pillow ‘Fights?’

70615_PillowFight_J1J0983We’ve had several parents look at us at least quizzically, if not askance, when we mention our annual Pillow Play Day. Aren’t we promoting violence? Aren’t we sanctioning rowdy behavior?

We’re not trying to train the next generation of Wrestlemania stars! And we’re not an in-your-face, down-with-the- establishment group, either. We are out to bring parents and children together in an environment where it’s OK to pile onto each other, OK to “get” the grownups playfully, and OK to bob up and down in a small roiling sea of big and little people, seeing who is fun to play with, and how good it is just to play without a plan.

The world is a pretty structured place for children, starting in day care or preschool. Parents don’t have much time for horsing around at home, for time on the floor, giving horsy rides or playing “I’m going to catch you!” as many times as children love to play that game. And out in public, most parents are always on guard, always feeling the need to keep their children in line, lest others judge them harshly.

So we set aside a couple of hours a year when it’s OK to romp, OK to throw little pillows. The grownups all know that if a pillow is thrown, they are to fall over, crash, moan, and struggle back up, only to be vanquished again. It’s great to be a kid experimenting with power, great to be able to knock down an adult you don’t even know, and have them laugh and rise up to be knocked down again. Our experience is that, over time, children who have regular access to rough and tumble play with warm, welcoming grownups have a tendency to be tuned in to the feelings and needs of others, and to be confident enough to lead among their peers, and later, in the world at large.

We create a place where a child can’t go wrong. We try to create a place where the pillows fly for five or ten minutes at a time, so the grownups get a bit of respite. We offer other things to do–art to create and snacks to satisfy–for those children who aren’t attracted to the pillow play. Most of all, we hope family members will laugh, children will feel glorious, and rough and tumble play will be elevated in parents’ minds to its rightful place as an important part of children’s (and parents’) lives.

Join us for the fun this year.

– The Staff and Instructors and Hand in Hand

A Teacher Offers Special Time

chalk boardAt our child care center, it’s the beginning of the year, and we have three year olds who are totally new to the program. They are so little and so sweet. One girl has been crying long and hard every morning since she came. She wants her Mommy. We have listened to her as best we can.

I wanted to help her feel more connected at the center, so one morning this week, when she was playing outside, I came up to her and offered Special Time. I said, “I want to do whatever you want to do. What do you want to do?” We had been having the children lie on the pavement while we draw chalk outlines of their bodies earlier in the week, so she immediately said, “Lie down! I want to draw your body!” The pavement was hot that day, so I said, “Oh my gosh! It’s going to be hot! Do you really want me to lie down?” And she said, “Lie down!”

So I playfully (but also somewhat truthfully) yelped as I got down on the pavement, “Oh! It’s so hot! Please hurry!” I was holding my arms and legs close. All the 17 children started to gather around and they all began giggling and laughing. The more I yelped, the more they laughed. The Special Time child ordered me to stretch out my arms, then to stretch out my legs, and she very slowly drew around my body. I kept playfully urging her to hurry, and the children kept laughing.

It was a big event that day, seeing their teacher down on the pavement, wanting to get up, and their classmate “in charge.” I finally got up when she was done. You should have seen their faces! They were so happy, so elated, so full of life! My Special Time child felt great—she is now doing well at our center.

- A Parenting by Connection teacher

Crying

snow angelDuring my last Listening Partnership I was feeling very anxious about my son never crying.  My listening partner helped me by pointing out that I kept repeating, “He won’t cry,” over and over.

I wondered out loud what those words really meant to me, because they were, in fact, untrue.  He cried when he was hurt, he cried when he was frightened or surprised and sometimes, not often, he cried when I held him.  More often he hit me, but sometimes he cried.

She asked me what it was about crying that was so important to me.  And then I knew.  It wasn’t about him at all (pause for shock).  It was about me.  I wanted him to cry because I never cried, not as an adult, not as a child.  It was a source of pride for my mother. I remembered her saying, “She never cries.”  It was the brightest light bulb moment ever!  I needed him to cry for me.

My whole view of his crying changed in that moment.  I didn’t have to worry about how much or how fully he cried. I needed to worry about how much or how fully I allowed myself to cry.  I no longer feel like a failure when he doesn’t cry his hurts away, because I know that he knows it’s okay to cry.  It’s me who needs convincing.

- a mom in Boise, Idaho

Finding Parenting by Connection Parents in Your Area

USMapAre you looking for other Parenting by Connection parents near you to share a Study Group, exchange Listening time, help bring Hand in Hand to your area for a workshop or to build community around your parenting?

You can leave a comment below with your location, what kind of connections you’d like to build and be sure to include the contact info you’d like to share. (Write out your email address as “you at yourdomain” rather than “you@yourdomain” to keep away spam.) Other parents in your area can read your comment and connect with you and we’ll all be able to support one another a little bit better.

Thanks for Listening!

Juli
Julianne Idleman
Hand in Hand Program Director

Putting Limits on Fear

stairsI had about had it with not being able to go to the bathroom alone. My normally independent and self-directed daughter was going through a fearful stage where she would literally scream if she discovered she was alone in a room, even if she could hear you right in the next one.

If she had to go to the bathroom, she wanted you to come with her.  If she needed a toy from upstairs, she would insist she could not possibly get it without adult company. I was sorry she was scared, but I wanted to find a way to encourage her back into living her life without her Mommy-as-security-blanket.

So one Sunday my husband and I spent the whole day with my daughter. We took her out for the day with some of her friends and then the three of us had a quiet dinner together at home.  When we were cleaning up the kitchen after our dinner, I asked my daughter to run upstairs and get the breakfast tray she had left at the foot of my bed that morning.  She refused, saying she was too frightened.

I took a deep breath.  It had been a really good day.  I thought maybe it was time for us both to face this fear head on. Setting limits isn’t my favorite part of parenting.  I’m not always certain about when to nurture and when to foster independence, what is an appropriate challenge and what is asking too much of my child.

I bent down and looked at my daughter. Then, softly but with certainty, I told her that I knew she could do it and that I would stand downstairs, where I could see her go down the hall because there’s a balcony.  I reminded her that she was safe.  She began to cry and rant that she couldn’t get the breakfast tray and she would not get the tray.

I was in a good place after a nice day together with my daughter and her stepdad, so I decided to hold the limit and let the feelings come.  I touched her shoulder and softly told her I could see that she was afraid but that I knew she could do it and I would watch from downstairs.  She insisted she would die of fright.  I told her that I could see she was so scared it felt like she might die, but that she could do it. We went back and forth like that for 45 minutes, which built into shaking and crying and at one point she even screamed for “Help!” over and over.  I don’t know where it came from but there was certainly a big pile of terror packed into that little girl.

But she eventually did it! When she finally made it down the hall and got the breakfast tray, she threw the tray as hard as she could down the stairs, still crying heartily.  I gave it back to her.  She threw it two or three more times before carrying it down into the kitchen.  Downstairs she let me hold her while she cried the rest of the available fears out.  “You did it,” I reminded her.

Then she sat up, got herself a glass of milk and said, “I’m going to watch a show before bed.”  Her stepdad and I stared at one another a bit shaken from all the emotion.  But she just walked off, into another room, all by herself, without a backwards glance!

I felt so glad she could trust me with that big chunk of terror.  If I had rushed in to rescue her, comfort her, tell her I would go with her to get the tray, she wouldn’t have been able to let the feelings out and all that nasty stuff would still be stuck inside her festering.  This way is loud, shaky and messy, and I know I’m not helping her perfectly, but at least I know that we can both survive whatever it is she may need to feel and still be able to move forward with both our lives.

–Juli Idleman

Audio Interview with Patty Wipfler and Doug Noll

Here is a link to an interview with Patty Wipfler  (Hand in Hand Founder) and Doug Noll of lawyertopeacemaker.com. In this interview they discuss Parenting by Connection and its far-reaching implications for adults and society.  An interview every parent should hear!

Conflict Communication with Children