I have a friend I work with who has a little toddler. He came to me the other day, and he said, “You know, my son is driving me absolutely crazy. He whines and whines and I just go up the wall. Sometimes I have to leave the room, ’cause I don’t want to hurt him and I’m going nuts. I just leave him alone when he does that.”
My friend went on and on for a long time about how his son whined and how hard it was on him. I just listened to him. He was really wound up. I listened a long time. I told him what a good father he is, and that I could see how much he really cares about Ronnie and thinks about him. I told him I really respect him as a father. I do. He’s a great dad.
Then, I said, “You know, what I’ve figured out is that when my son whines, he has something to say to me and he can’t quite say it. He’s either got something that he’s hurt or scared about, or he’s going through a developmental stage, and he can’t quite do what he wants to do yet, and it’s bugging him. I found that if I really listen to him, he’ll find a way to tell me what the trouble is.” That’s all I said.
Today my friend came up to me. He was really happy. He said, “You know, you were right! If you listen, they tell you! My son started whining again a few nights ago, and I went over to him and I said, ‘I’m sorry that I haven’t been listening to you. You’ve been trying to tell me something, and I wasn’t listening very well. But now I can. What is it you want to tell me? What’s making you unhappy?’”
I was thinking to myself, “Now, you don’t talk that way to a little toddler, my friend got it all wrong!” but actually, my friend was right. He said, “After I said this I just kept looking at him and he said, ‘Yeah, Daddy,’ and he gave me a good push on the shoulder. I fell down, and we started wrestling. He laughed and we had a great time, wrestling all over the house for, I don’t know, an hour. Then he started running into the room and throwing up his hands, going ‘Ooooh! Daddy scary!’ and laughing and running away, then he’d find his mom and go ‘Ohhh, Mommy scary!’ and laugh and scream and run away from her. We were all over the place. And you know what? We had been having a lot of trouble potty training him, and after that night, he’s been doing it perfectly! He really was working on something!”
–a dad in Redwood City, CA.
Two weeks ago, I saw a 1st grader crying out on the playground. He was really wailing. I had seen him many times last year crying and was unable to interact with him, but this time I was in the right place at the right time, so I went up and stood next to him. I asked what was wrong and he wailed, “I want my mom!” I said, “I’m here” and put my arm around him and just stood there. His 3rd grade brother stood a few feet away shifting nervously around as balls and running classmates whizzed past us. 
My son and I had been having hard mornings. He would wake up, no doubt feeling disconnected, and just ask to watch a show. He wouldn’t want me to talk, touch or look at him. I would see a need for connection and get close to him. This turned into a long session of him kicking, hitting, biting, scratching and screaming that he hated me. Sometimes he would cry, but usually it was physical. 
Our 4-year-old son and 2-year-old son were playing in the sandbox. The 4-year old was in a slightly agitated mood, trying to control all the toys and dominate his brother to play certain games. The younger one took a small yellow plastic car shortly after his brother had finished playing with it. The sandbox had 4-5 other vehicles in it, so there was no shortage of toys.
My sister and her 2 1/2-year-old daughter came to visit me and my family. During their first full day here, my sister told me that her relationship to her daughter was growing very strained and difficult. She was very frustrated. I told her about this way of working with angry or frustrated children and she was like a sponge!
