Monthly Archives: March 2010

Setting Limits for Safety

My son,  Julio age 4, is frequently the youngest kid in the group of our family friends and with his cousins.  He’s very coordinated for his age and high energy.  He loves to run free and try new feats – causing me to constantly assess his safe boundaries and help him stay within
them.

On a recent sunny day the big kids were playing on the dead end road in front of the house on skate boards, bikes and scooters.  Julio and I walked down to the adjacent empty parking lot with his scooter. We talked about holding hands crossing the road and I pointed out the safe places for him to ride on his own.  That was good for awhile.

He scootered down the sidewalk and around the two levels of the parking lot.  But the big kids had a better decline going down the road and he couldn’t resist moving his scooter over to the edge of the road.  I moved in and put my hand on the handlebar of his scooter and reminded him that he needed to stick to the sidewalk and parking lot.  He started to get angry and cry.  I crouched down next to him and put my arm around him while still keeping my hand restraining his scooter. After a few minutes of raging he suggested the sidewalk on the other side of the road. I agreed and he scootered down that side.  But it was a very short stretch and soon enough he was back to trying to go on the road.

I moved in again to put my hand on his scooter to hold the limit.  He threw himself down on the sidewalk and raged and cried some more.  I decided that a good staylistening session was in need and wanted to move to a better spot for both of us.  I picked him up – leaving the scooter for my friend to pick up.  I found a hold allowing for us both to be safe from his swinging arms and legs and headed inside the house.  We settled on the couch and I held him while he wailed, stormed and cried the upset away. After about 15 minutes of tantruming he went on to have a very peaceful, cooperative evening and bedtime.

—Karen Murphy, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Oregon

Join Karen in her Building Emotional Understanding course on Monday afternoons, starting May 13.

I’ll Help You Wait

Photo (C) Steve Zazeski 2009

For several months, maybe close to year now, I have been working on how to wait when someone else has something my son wants.   It all started with hoping to teach my son how to share and play with other kids without my son hitting.  Someone would have something he wanted or other way around.  So, I have learned to stay close to help him during these times and hold the limit.  Sometimes it turns into staylistening, sometimes it doesn’t.

Here is one example of how it often goes. One day, the neighbor girl was over playing.  Eventually, she had something my son wanted. I was ready for this and right there playing too.  As he grabbed it, I put my hand on the toy as I often do and told him, “She has this right now and I am not sure when she’ll be finished.”  He got upset saying it was his toy and she had a long turn.  I repeated my words, in a calm, loving tone and making eye contact.  I added that I would help him wait; all the while keeping my hands on the toy so it couldn’t be played with by anyone.  I have also learned to assure the other child I would help my son let it go, we just need a few minutes, and most times the other child relaxes a bit.  I repeated the limit.  He struggled a bit.  I kept reassuring him that I would help him wait, even encouraging him to look around and see if there was something else we could do while we wait.  He let go of the toy and moved on until she was finished.  I have held the limit like this in numerous places over countless things.

The other day, while on a field trip with my son’s class, I observed the most beautiful thing.  Each adult had 2 children.  I had my son and a girl in his class.  It was lunch time, and while I had my son’s and my lunch, the lunches for the 60 children, ages from 3 to 5, were late.  They had to wait for over 30 minutes.  We shared what we had with the girl, but she was having feelings about something and didn’t want any food.

Then my son did the most beautiful thing, all on his own.  He put his sandwich and food away, folded his hands, and sat beside this girl, bending over to look into her eyes and said, “I’ll help you wait.  Can you think of anything else to do while you wait.” And then he waited with her.

Hand in Hand works, it really does.

- Paula Arnold, a mom in San Jose, CA and Hand in Hand Certification Candidate

Recording our Success Stories

Photo (C) Rene 2007

We all go through times of exhaustion, stress and feeling tense with our kids. I went through this recently, as I was preparing to give a talk on Setting Limits. My daughter was pushing my buttons constantly and I was at a loss for how to respond. I felt powerless and began to question my ability to parent well.

As I prepared for my talk, I read through my “success stories”. These were moments I recorded during my certification training. Each story presented a challenge I faced, how I responded using the Listening Tools and ended with my daughter and I feeling more connected to each other.

Each story allowed me to see I could set very clear limits with warmth and love.  And most importantly, I was available for my daughter, ready to listen. Suddenly, I didn’t feel hopeless anymore. I was just a parent struggling. I needed some listening time for myself and to remember what a good mom I am.

Take some time to write down your success stories and when you’re having a rough day pull them out and remember what a good parent you are too. You can also share your story here on the blog, send it to us at: info at handinhandparenting dot org.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning September 13.

Connecting When the Door Is Closed

Photo (C) Am-y 2007

Our 4 year old, Owen, was very angry about something, and he bolted to his room and locked the door.  He jumped into bed and screamed for me to “Go away! I don’t like you Mommy! Go away!”  In the past, I was at such a loss of what to do when Owen closed the door.

I remembered a suggestion from our teacher, Tom, in BEU (Building Emotional Understanding) class to have closeness with Owen even through a closed door.  I quickly grabbed a small notebook and pen, scribbled, “Dear Owen, I love you, Love Mommy” on a sheet of paper, and shoved it under the door.  I told Owen that I had sent him a note under the door.  He replied that he couldn’t see it, so I told him to go to the door to find it.

I heard him scramble to the door.   I crept down very close to the bottom edge of the door and asked, “Do you see the note?”  Owen replied, yes, and already I felt a bit better that we were at least communicating.  I said I was writing more notes.  I slipped two more under the door: “Dear Owen, I’m not mad, Let’s hug! Love Mommy” and “Mommy loves Owen very much” written beside a picture of a heart.

I was still worried about Owen feeling upset because he was quiet for what seemed a long time.  Then I saw a note slowly appear from under the door.  I read it aloud:  “DEAR MOMMY  I LOVE YOU LOVE OWEN.”  I grew teary reading it, just so glad and relieved that my son was feeling some connection with me, even though he had been so angry.

Unexpectedly, Owen opened the door, smiled, and promptly hugged me on the floor.  Then he quickly closed the door again and asked me to send him some more notes!

I told Owen that I needed to get more paper from the printer in my room.  As I came back with sheets of paper, he had again opened the door.  I thought he looked a little concerned, maybe because I briefly had left him.  He closed the door, and I wondered if he was still upset.

But a quick moment later, I saw a pair of his scissors appear from under the door.  I guess he wanted me to cut my paper to make smaller note cards.

I also received another note from him:  “DEAR MOMMY I LOVE MOMMY TO LOVE OWEN LOVE OWEN”

After a few more notes, Owen opened the door a third time.  We sat on the floor with Owen snuggling in my lap to read out loud some of our notes together.

The next morning, when Owen came into my room, I asked what he would like to do for our special time, he replied with a big smile:  “Mommy, my most favorite fun thing to do is write notes under the door!”

And that is what we did!

- a mom in San Jose, CA

BUILDING EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING CLASSES

A new Building Emotional Understanding class will begin on March 24th for parents and caregivers in Santa Cruz. Click here to register.

If you are interested in participating in a Building Emotional Understanding class, and are not in the Santa Cruz area, please post a comment or email us at: info at handinhandparenting dot org.  We will see if an instructor is available in your area or arrange a teleseminar class.

Laughter Eases the Way to Brushing Teeth

Photo (C) Jose Conejo Saenz 2006

Photo (C) Jose Conejo Saenz 2006

My husband and I said we’d turn a movie on for an hour as a special movie night.  Our two boys were saying “yes!” and excitedly giving me big hugs. They were connected after a good day of Special Time and playing.

But when the timer rang , to tell us it was time to turn off the movie, the boys were very reluctant. They were cross and disconnected.  I turned off the movie anyway and they were even more cross.  Now that it was time to brush teeth and go to bed, they were not in the mood.

So I used my index finger and started brushing their bodies, here and there, over their clothes playfully.  “Let’s brush teeth! Oh, this is not your mouth, let me see, brush brush, oh, this wasn’t your teeth again!”

The kids started protesting at first, then they started laughing.  We played with this whole body brushing for a while and not only did they brush their teeth soon after, their bedtime went very smooth, relaxed and reconnected.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Talking Snow Boots

Photo (C) Read Pate 2009

We had plans to go sledding. I told my daughter she needed to wear her snow boots. She put them on and promptly took them right off saying they weren’t feeling good. She had had them on two days earlier with no complaints so I wondered what the issue was.

She was cranky at any suggestion of having to wear her boots. “No,” she cried. “They don’t feel good.” I saw them slip right onto her feet so I knew they fit fine. I stuck my hands in them and felt around. They felt fine. I asked her if she could tell me what was bothering her about the boots. She took the boots and threw them.

Luckily I was in a good place and decided to try some play listening with her. I exaggerated a big, “What?? You can’t throw your boots!” She smiled, grabbed them and threw them again. “Oh no!” I exclaimed. “You can’t throw your boots!”

At this point, she shifted gears saying, “Horsey!” and climbed on my back. I playfully said, “Boot throwers can’t ride the horsey! I’ll have to bump you off.” I gave her a small ride and gently bumped her off. She climbed back on and I wiggled her off again as we rode back to the boots.

I took a boot in each hand and had them “ask” how they were getting to the snow park. “Are we walking?” the boots asked. “Are we running?” She smiled at the silliness and said, “Noooo!”

“Are we driving?” the boots asked. “Boots can’t drive!” she exclaimed. “Well how are we getting there?” they asked. “You’ll go on my feet!” she said. At this point she put the boots on and was ready to go. Playing about the issue took less time than a power struggle would have and we both walked away feeling closer instead of frustrated.

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding class starting March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.