Monthly Archives: June 2010

Working with Aggressive Behavior

Photo (C) Penny Mathews 2006

When my son started preschool he came home using aggressive words and behaviors I had never seen in him before.  He started talking about killing people, shooting, stabbing and “fire shooters”.  Even though I knew he didn’t understand the meaning of the words he used, it was upsetting.  He also began hitting and pushing his twin sister almost daily and kicking me during conflicts.  I thought I’d lost my sweet boy to the realities of the outside world and wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

After getting listening time and support for the situation, I realized my son was picking up these behaviors from the other boy in his class.  More importantly, I came to realize that the aggression shown by both boys was covering up fear and that there were ways for me to help my son off-load this fear, and return him to the gentle boy I knew.

I began to keep a closer eye on his playing – waiting for the moment he showed aggression.  When it occurred, I made a point to turn any aggressive moves into opportunities for playful contact with him.  I focused on the places where he laughed and would repeat what had caused the laughter.  For instance, he repeatedly told me he was going to “die me”(meaning kill).  When he said that I replied with a twinkle in my eye, “If you’re going to “die” me, then I’m just going to have to…have to…have to…kiss you!”  Then I would proceed to do just that, which caused him to laugh and laugh.  I also used “I’m going to have to lick you,” and “I’m going to have to hug you.”

After many days of this, I set a limit with him about something seemingly unrelated.  I told him he could not have more snack. When I remained firm in my response, he started to cry and tantrum.  I sat down with him, offering him eye contact and warmth.  He had a huge cry which included a couple blows to my head and my hair getting pulled.  The cry ended with him repeatedly saying that he didn’t want me to leave, which I understood to be an expression of feelings he carried from the past as the current situation did not include my going anywhere.  He also hugged me over and over.

A few days later I noticed there had been no aggressive behavior since the day of the big cry.  I realized that I had “warmed” him up with all the play with laughter which led the way for him to have the big cry.  I was amazed at the transformation in him.

During the time this cry occurred, school was on break.  He continued to behave at home without aggression, but upon returning to school, it resumed.  So once again I started to bring laughter and connection to his aggressive behavior.  This time I used fewer words and more physical responses.  For example, when he tried repeatedly to kick me I would cross one leg of his over the other and say, “Uh, oh I better tie up the horse.”  He found this hilarious.

Many days later we were decorating our house for Halloween when my son took a giant spider and began hitting his sister on the head with it.  I moved in quickly and physically stopped him from the action saying, “I can’t let you do that.”  He began to cry, and as I held him he shook, sweated and thrashed.  The fear looked even stronger than the first cry, and he ended the session again by saying that he didn’t want me to leave. It might be useful to add here that my kids spent three weeks in the hospital when they were born and therefore had an intense early experience of separation from me. When the cry was over we returned to decorating, and my son played a game with his sister where the spider kissed her.  Again, I was absolutely amazed by the change in him…and the fact that it occurred not by focusing on changing his behavior but by bringing connection, laughter and listening to a place that was stuck in fear.

- Alaiya Aguilar, Hand in Hand Instructor in California

Listening Partnerships

Photo (C) Ivan Prole 2009

When two parents exchange listening time, taking turns to talk uninterrupted and without offering advice, it can make a world of difference for each parent. This time becomes a place to share our victories and struggles and a place to mourn our losses and set new goals. Here’s what one mom and Parenting by Connection Instructor noticed about how in-person and distance listening times differed for her.

When I have in-person listening time sessions they are usually preceded by some shopping and maybe a nice lunch on my “half-a-day-off”. By the time I get to my listening time, I am a million miles away from family life and typically use the listening time to work on feelings around non-family issues.

I have found it is a great benefit to have a phone listening time right after the children have gone to sleep. This is the worst time of my “bad days” when I am exhausted, tight and furious.

When my listening partner called, I would already be in my re-stimulated state and ready to work on how much I hated being a mom sometimes and how I felt like my life was being stolen from me! I would also be more able to access feelings about my marriage which had been rocky until December of 2008.

During this time, I would cry deeply. Afterward I felt much more relaxed and much more loving toward my children. I was full of energy and ideas on how to restructure my everyday life to have the energy needed for being a mom.

Now, the times I get so frustrated have dramatically decreased. It is interesting that the pros of having somebody listen in-person can sometimes be outweighed by the pros of having someone listen from a distance during a time when one is right in the midst of an emotional episode.

Roughhousing for Reluctant Mothers (and Fathers)

Want to pillow fight your way to a closer, warmer, more connected relationship with your child?

We’ll tell you how in this free Introduction to Parenting by Connection teleseminar. Join us to discuss ways to use play to heal issues and promote cooperative, loving family relationships. Have more fun with the kids this summer and relieve stress at the same time!

When: Thursday, June 24th

Time: 6:00 pm Pacific

Led by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Founder

Listening Through a Family Change

On the day we told my daughter, age 3 1/2, some big news about our family situation changing, the news just seemed too much for her to deal with and she just wanted to go and play.  So we played hard as a family for 3 hours and then she went to sleep.

When she woke up she crawled into my arms and said she wanted to go out for dinner.  She hadn’t even woken up at this stage, so I wondered what was so important about going to dinner.  I asked her and she said she liked going out for dinner.  We had been away the previous week and had gone out for dinner every night.  I think she had really enjoyed it.  I had a guess that she was feeling a bit sad and wanted to do something to feel better so I decided it was time to set a limit.

I said gently,  “I’m sorry darling we aren’t going out to dinner tonight”  She hid her face in my chest and started whining about going to dinner.  I gently pulled her away from me and said to her, ” Oh darling, you really want to go to dinner.”  She looked at me and burst out crying.  She cried for a few minutes and then started to arch her back, which I know is a precursor to her working on her fear and anger.

I sat on the floor and she arched and kicked and pushed at me for 30 minutes.  It was loud and violent and it woke up her dad upstairs.  He came down and sat next to us while she continued to writhe and try to get away.  She was screaming that she wanted me to let her go, but I really wanted to see this one to the end so I gently said, ” I will let you go soon, right now I want you to stay in my lap.  You are safe and have everything you need right now.”

Given the morning conversation, I kept telling her that both mummy and daddy love her, that she was safe and that we would both continue to look after her.  She quietened and looked like she was going to go to sleep, but as she had just been asleep, I think she was just recovering.  Then she sat quietly in my lap.  After that she wanted to stay in my arms for a while so we went upstairs and made some lunch together.  The experience was intense.

I often struggle with restricting her freedom when she is directly asking for me to let her go, but this time it was coupled with my own grief with the family changes. Trying to contain my own emotional issues, so I can hold a safe place for her is difficult when we are both going through stuff.  I felt that I did a good job this time and I held the intention of providing a safe place for her in my arms.

- A Parenting by Connection mom in Australia

Special Time Helps with Teethbrushing

Photo (C) Kadri Poldma 2006

My children and I do regular Special Time most days for at least three minutes.  Sometimes they choose to work on their challenges during Special Time. Once my three-year-old son tackled his challenge of teeth brushing.

He didn’t like brushing his teeth very much and barely let me brush either his upper or lower teeth. One day, he wanted to brush my teeth during Special Time.  ”Okay,” I said helplessly.  Then he scooped a lot of xylitol with someone’s toothbrush, stuck it in my lopsided mouth, and brushed inside of my mouth in a three-year-old way.

My face was covered with saliva and my shirt was drooled on.  I groaned and moaned, and my son was laughing. Whenever I caught a break from his rigorous brushing, I begged, “no more!” in vain.  He would put more rigor into his brushing laughing and really enjoying this role reversal.  It continued for most of our ten-minute Special Time.

Later, I noticed he was gradually more relaxed about teeth brushing.  That night, he let me brush both upper and lower teeth.  After a couple of months now, teeth brushing is no longer an issue.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

A Broken Arm Leads to a “Break”through

Photo (C) M. Pate 2007

My son is 6-1/2 years old. I’ve been listening to his feelings and doing Parenting by Connection since he was about 1-1/2 years old. He had a rough birth, and has had lots of tension to work through from the beginning.

A couple of weeks ago, he had the biggest accident of his life so far. He was in the playground at school, and fell from the jungle gym to the ground. He broke both bones in his left arm at the wrist. The school worked hard to reach me, but I was in transit, so it took a full hour before I arrived at his school to take over his care. He had been crying and screaming inconsolably in the nurses’ office.

They told me that during that time, while crying hard, he had very articulate thoughts and was able to communicate with the adults who were caring for him. He said he wanted people to leave him alone (I think he meant not to touch him), and cried angrily about why did I have to be on my way to my daughter’s preschool program right at that time. He knew he had broken his arm, and that he was going to have to go to the hospital. He cried about what had happened to him, about what was going to happen, and about the fact that I wasn’t there when it happened.

I picked him up from the little nurses’ station, and took him to the pediatrician’s office. He was screaming in pain, but they wouldn’t give him any medication, in case they had to anesthetize him to set the bones. He was screaming that it hurt, that I needed to take him to the emergency room, that it really hurt, why wasn’t I listening, why hadn’t I been there when the accident happened, and why did he have to go to school. There wasn’t any way I could stop the pain while we were waiting for the doctor, so I sat with him and listened to him scream and cry.

People in the waiting room and the office staff were horrified that I was simply sitting with him, saying, “You can keep telling me about this, I’m right here with you.” He cried and cried. Next we had to go to the pediatric orthopedic surgeon’s office. He cried all the way there, the whole time we waited there, and all the way over to the hospital. He cried and cried on the hospital bed, and a few times, he cried himself to sleep. He sort of dozed off, then woke back up and cried some more. All in all, it was 8 hours of really hard crying, perspiration, and tears. I could smell his body odor—he worked up a heavy sweat.

For me, it was great to not shut him up, to let him really cry. There wasn’t anything I could do to make him quiet or to ease his pain, even if I had tried. It was draining, emotionally, but I felt like I really wanted to stand by his right to tell the world how much it hurt. The principal tried to get him to be quiet, and lots of others tried too. He wasn’t going to take it quietly! Not him!

By the time they were getting him ready to go into the operating room, he was no longer crying. He was perfectly aware of what needed to happen. He was a little nervous about the anesthesia, a little afraid of going to sleep. He wasn’t wild with fear at all, just a bit nervous. But he understood that the anesthesia was necessary, and he was willing.  Finally, they put him under for about 10 minutes and set his arm. It was really quick. He didn’t need any surgery.

He had the best sleep of his life in the recovery room! He fell into a deep sleep there, and he was snoring he was so relaxed!

Since then, he has never felt the need to talk about the whole thing or to grieve about the accident. He’s not afraid because of it. This is so interesting to me, because it was a really major accident. The next day he went to school, he was very proud of his arm, and he was still in pain, but did fine.

Photo (C) M. Pate 2007

Starting from that day, what was amazing was that he could focus more, could read better, and math became easier for him!

School this year has been a real struggle, but it changed markedly after his accident. I don’t think this is just because he can’t be as active with his cast on. I think that the 8 hours of crying and offloading fear, this purging and expelling all kinds of stress and muck made a big difference. I respected him and supported him through it, and from my point of view, he really did well.

Things are now noticeably easier for me with him at home, and easier for him at school. I wouldn’t recommend having a child break their arm to get this benefit, but how amazing is that!

- a Parenting by Connection parent