Monthly Archives: August 2010

New Parent Podcasts

Photo (C) Jacqueline Clarke 2008

Have you heard the New Parent Podcasts? Here’s what one parent had to say about them:

Thank you so much for the lovely gift of the Hand in Hand New Parent Podcasts. They are great!  I have been listening to them and love the content. It has helped me to have a new perspective on my son’s crying and also justified my desire to be gentle and nurturing with him. We have started listening to him when he has crying sessions after his lovely, happy play times.

It is reallly obvious that he is choosing to offload to us because he feels safe and secure after an interactive, smiley, responsive play time with us.  His dad is doing a fantastic job listening to and reassuring him during these times, and it is amazing to see him come out of one of these cries and happy and ready to be playful again, or crash off to sleep.

Generally my son is pretty settled and easy going, but since he turned 5 -6 weeks old and started smiling, and thus getting more smiley feedback and cheers from us, he has decided he has more to say about things, and offload stuff through crying, which makes perfect sense according the LTC (Listening to Children) stuff. It is fascinating to approach it differently, and perceive his distress differently.

- a Parenting by Connection mom

Wanting Mama

Last night after dinner, my wife and daughter (2 1/2) and I were playing on the couch.  I was intermittently physically preventing my daughter from getting to her mama. She would laugh and laugh — I would grab her, and then let her go, and then grab her again, and then “fight” with her mom over who should get to hold her. She continued laughing, and then moved from one couch to the other.

At that point, I moved between the two couches, declaring (highly ridiculously) “I am the best mama preventer around — you will never get to her!” My daughter ran right around me, and got straight to her mother. Then I asked her to push me over to get to her mom. She loved that even more, and I experimented with differing levels of resistance, trying to notice what level of fight from me allowed her to laugh the most. Her feelings (light fears — manifested by her laughter) just kept bubbling up. We did this for about 15 to 20 minutes, and then she wanted to put her babies to sleep. Great fun!

The interesting thing to me, though, is that 20 minutes later, when it was time for bed, my daughter asked to go night night with me, rather than with her mother. I can’t emphasize enough how huge this is. She has a strong mama “preference” and almost never chooses to be with me rather than with her mother. It seems obvious to me that because of the playlistening that we did with her earlier in the evening, my daughter worked through some of her feelings, and then was able to notice the truth of the matter: she wants me as much as she wants her mama.

This would NOT have been possible without my own time with a listening partner, and without the work of Hand in Hand, particularly of Lawrence Cohen (author of Playful Parenting) and Patty Wipfler and the other good folks who make this group work. Kudos!

- Keith Danner, a Parenting by Connection dad in Irvine, CA

My Child Solves a Bully Problem

My 7-year-old daughter S. started school this year. We live in a small village and a week ago, while playing in the playground, a few parents were talking about problems in the kindergarten my daughter used to go to until last summer.

Apparently, a few of the “older” kids are being very aggressive towards the younger children, hitting them and pushing them around. Some of the younger children do not want to go there anymore, so some of them are home for a while. The parents also mentioned that the teacher ignores the problem and refuses to get the help (or even a “Lets think together”) offered by the parents, because she is scared for the kindergarten’s reputation.

Two days later when I woke S. in the morning to go to school, she jumped and sat straight and wide-awake in bed and said: “Remember the kindergarten discussion?” I had no idea what she was talking about. So she explained: “When so and so were talking about the pushing around in the kindergarten, and about M. (the teacher) who did not manage to stop it? Well, I had this idea, why not all of us graduates, H. and O. and E. and myself get organized and go to the kindergarten on Friday (no school on Friday, but the kindergarten does run) to help the kids that hit the young ones? We could simply remind them that it is not a good idea to push children around! We could organize other children to come too! Maybe A. (her older sister) would like to come. Isn’t it a good idea?”

I appreciated her for the initiative and leadership as well as for the brilliant idea, and she went to school. I thought that that was it. But she came back and asked me whether I had the chance to talk to the teacher about her “good idea”. I told her that I did not. The next day she asked again. I suggested that she talk to the teacher tomorrow. Instead she brought over the phone directory and asked me to find the teacher’s phone number.

She called, and once the answering machine got the call she left a message: “I would love to talk to you when you come back, because I have a very good idea”

Yesterday we went to the kindergarten together to talk to the teacher who was very excited about the idea. On Friday she is going to get a unique support team. Ever since S. offered her idea she has changed a bit. She takes charge of many small things during her daily routine. It is exciting to watch her.

I also appreciated her saying, “We will support the children who hit the others.” rather than just the “victims”.  She definitely has a good perspective over what’s going on. It also feels like I must be doing something right.

- A Parenting by Connection parent in Israel

For more information on helping children with aggression read Hand in Hand founder Patty Wipfler’s article Biting, Pushing, Pulling Hair – Helping Children with Aggression.

Carpool Playlistening

Photo (C) Layton Findlater 2004

Due to a budget cut, we don’t have a school bus at our school.  So my neighborhood organized a carpool when our children entered kindergarten.  It  saves gas, time and creates a sweet sense of community, and a special bonding of parents and children among families.

However, about two years ago when we first started carpooling, we faced some challenges with our kindergartners.  It was a big transition for all of us.  Now one parent had to deal with four to five children in a much more structured setting.  It wasn’t the nice, long play dates we used to have, with several parents and children all playing around together in the preschool years.

I was not handling the children’s social situation well, although I loved the whole arrangement and all the people involved.  For example, I was utterly embarrassed when my son was rude to other parents or children.  I didn’t know how to respond to a rude remark like, “I don’t like you!” from a child either.  Play often became too aggressive or too intense and I didn’t know when and how to intervene when all five children ran into a conflict in a car while I was driving.

I now reflect that we were tense from a big transition.  The morning and after school carpool time often manifested the tension. Separation anxiety, time pressure, etc. were packed in the thirty minutes we spent together driving and walking to school.

Parents got together and came up with a carpool arrangement, then invited one of the Hand in Hand trainers for an education night to learn about Parenting by Connection tools.  Some families started doing Special Time and Staylistening at home.

As I built my skill as a parent taking Hand in Hand classes over the next few months, the feeling of overwhelm shifted into a sense of experiment and humor when handling carpool group challenges through many trials and errors.

Now they are finishing their first grade.  Every pick-up and drop-off has a connection ritual like hugs, or “no hugs” games or high-fives, with at least a moment of eye contact.  It is a nice routine now.

One morning, I picked up two girls in addition to my son.  It was a busy morning as usual.  Kay had an especially rough morning as her dog had scratched her leg.  She was quiet in the car looking sad and twirling her hair.  Annie was a bit sleepy.  My son was growly.

Driving, I said, “Hey, Kay!  So good to see you!” in a happy tone.  “You know I can do some math while driving.  Wanna try?”  Then Kay asked, “Okay, what is four plus four?”

I tried to answer, “Let me see…(pause)…hmmmm.  What is four plus four?”  Then, from the back of the car, a wrong clue came with a giggle.  “It’s five!  Say it’s five!”  I gave this wrong answer loudly, “Kay, it’s five!”  To this they all shouted, “Wrong!  It’s eight!”  I moaned, “What!?  I got that wrong!?  Let me try again!”  So we kept giving each other math and spelling questions in the car.  They were always right and I wasn’t.

When we arrived at school 15 minutes later, they were the most cheerful children running inside the campus.  I chased after them.  They laughed and ran even faster when I begged, “Hey!  Don’t leave me!  I want to play more!  Do you really need to go?  Don’t leave me!”

I was very happy to see all three of them running to school cheerfully and confidently.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.