Monthly Archives: July 2011

Wanting Mama

a good cry can be the best way to recover a smile

My daughter is 3, and she’s going to pre-school now. My husband and I have recently separated. Ella loves school. She talks about it enthusiastically when she’s at home, and she likes being there, but has a very difficult time when I leave her there. She wraps herself around me, clings tightly, and won’t let me get out the door. This has been going on for awhile.

Yesterday, after we got home from school, she was feisty and cranky. I was fixing her a snack, and I could tell that bad feelings were close to the surface. The last straw for her was that the chair I had set out for her was in the “wrong” place. I knew that this was an opportunity to help her with how she felt, so I didn’t fix it.

She ran across the room, upset about the chair. I went over to sit next to her. She was trying to cry, but wasn’t crying yet–it was a kind of “fake” crying. I sat with her, and told her as gently as I could, “That chair is just in the wrong place,” trying to help her feel her upset fully. She said, “I don’t need you!” and ran away from me. I moved to about 4 feet away from her again, and said, “I’m going to stay nearby, I don’t want to leave you right now.” She kept moving away from me, across the room or into another room, and I kept moving near her again. Each time she became more upset and getting closer to a real cry. Finally, as I moved in towards her she didn’t run away. Instead she lay on the floor kicking and repeating, “I don’t need you!” Then, I said, “I’m sorry I can’t stay with you in the morning at school, but I just can’t.” She began to cry hard. I asked, “Does it make you mad?” She nodded no. I asked, “Does it make you sad?” She nodded no, then she nodded yes, and began to cry really hard. I told her again that I was sorry I couldn’t stay with her in the mornings at school. She kept crying hard, and began to say, “I want Mommy! I want Mommy!” She was sobbing, and she came and curled into my arms and cried hard for awhile. It was lovely to hold her and help her with these feelings. At some point, she just stopped, as though we’d been having a conversation and the subject had changed. That was all.

The next morning, when it was time for me to leave her at school, she ran up to me, gave me a big hug and a kiss, and said, “Bye, Mommy!” and then ran off to play. What a change! I have to tell you that the morning after that, she was feeling things again, and clung to me–I think because our life has been unsettled at home, she isn’t finished with this yet. But it was great to see what a good cry could do for her.

- A mother in San Francisco, California

Special Time and Spelling

(C) Cecile Graat 2009

Halfway through the first grade, my 7-year-old did not want to write or spell at home or school anymore. This was new for him. It seemed to me like the expectations for the first graders were significantly higher than those for kindergarteners and I think it was showing in his reluctance.

One afternoon, we had a play date at a park with one of his best friends. I went exploring in the woods with the two boys. It is rare for me to have time with my son without his younger brother, so this was a treat for both of us.

We climbed some really high, challenging rock cliffs and at the top we chunked rocks at cactuses and had some imaginative play. I was able to give him undivided, supportive, relaxed attention as he pushed himself to do hard stuff.

Later, we had a chance for more physical play at a parenting class led by Patty Wipfler. After class I was able to run around and wrestle with him. I could see that he felt really filled up, happy, confident, bright eyed, and connected.

That night as we were getting ready for bed he began to spell “hard” words out loud. “Hey, mom! I can spell ‘because’ and ‘sometimes’.” He came up with a whole list of challenging words that he could spell.

This is something he had never done before. He just came up with it on his own. It was as if his mind was really clear and all of these words that had previously been blocked (by whatever) could come forward because of all that close connected play. His mind was fully activated and ready to learn!!

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Helping a Child Make Good Use of a Tantrum

when children’s behavior looks off track, they are really asking for help

My husband and I had a friend visiting us and toward the end of the visit, my son started to play with the TV remote control, increasing the volume while we tried to talk, again and again. All of our requests to stop were ignored. Then he went to his little sister who was sitting on the floor, and stepped on her. It was not an accident, and I realized he was signaling me. I told him very softly that he could not do this and I took him in my arms, and went with him to the garage. I said goodbye to our friend and told my husband that I need some time alone with our son.

My son started to struggle in my arms and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again!” When I continued to hold him on my lap, he started shouting, “Let me go! I don’t want to be here, I want to go back! You are hurting me!”

By now, I was sitting with him on my lap, looking at him and saying very softly, “I know you don’t want to be here, but we need to be here. I’m with you now and I’ll keep you safe here.” The more I talked the more he started to fight me and shouted while crying, “Let me go, you are hurting me!” I held him really gently with my hand on his back.  My fingertips were barely touching his back. He shouted, “You are hurting my back, don’t touch me!” It was obvious to me that it was not my physical holding that was hurting him, but old hurts and fears which were being released.

He tried several tactics to avoid these feelings. He asked me to hold him with his face looking away from me. It was clear that my eye contact brought up more painful feelings. He asked to open the garage door so he could “see more things,” and it was clear he was looking for a distraction. He asked for water. He said he was hot and needed a shower. His requests went on.

The whole time I kept holding him gently, telling him that it is safe now and I am with him. Then, my son started coughing and holding his neck. He complained he has pain in his throat. This reminded me that he had had a surgery when he was 3 years old. His adenoids had been removed.  I was wondering if this was part of the hurt he was offloading now.

He cried more and coughed more and I held him in my arms and wiped his tears. I was talking to him softly the whole time. He cried less and less with time.

After about 20 or 30 minutes, he asked to go to the bathroom. I agreed and we went together and this ended the episode.

I knew he was not completely finished, but I knew he had cried away a big chunk of what was sitting inside him for so long. I felt we both had had enough for that day, and that new triggers would come and allow him to work again on his fears.

Even though we didn’t complete the cry, I saw how relaxed he was afterwards and how different his behavior was. He was much more connected.

I had had a Listening Partnership a few days before this happened. I had worked on my own deep fears of setting limits with him. The LP release gave me the ability to stay calm and loving and not let my own fears take over and interfere.  It gave me back my confidence in the process which I needed very much.

Two weeks after all this happened, I had another opportunity to Staylisten with him. The amazing thing for me was that he actually invited me to Staylisten the way we did it before.

It started when he came back from his preschool and was restless. He tried slapping his brother’s back when he walked by, then immediately moved into slapping my back. I felt he was signaling me again.

I turned around to face him, sat down next to him and said, “You can not hit your brother or me.” Before I could complete my sentence my son asked me, “Are you going to take me again to the garage like last time? Is it going to take a long time?” I said, “Yes, I am going to take you to the garage and I will be there with you.”

He insisted that we sit in the same place; he sat on my lap in the same position like before. At the same time, he didn’t want me putting my hand on his back. It was like he knew he needed this, but still resisted the feelings that came.

This time he easily started crying and cried in my arms for about 10 minutes. When he was done we went to his room and he wanted to play with me. He was very connected and happy. That evening we had dinner at our friend’s house. My son played with their children the whole evening. In the past, if he didn’t know children well, he would sit next to me and my husband the whole time. This time he was flexible and very friendly, and we could see the difference. I’m sure that having the opportunity to offload some of his fears left him free to engage in play with the other kids.