Parent-Child Connectedness Takes Us Beyond Emotional Intelligence

I couldn’t have stopped crying even if I had wanted to. I don’t remember now why I was crying, but I remember the look on my father’s face as he begged me to stop. “What am I going to do with you? All the neighbors are going to think you’ve gone crazy!” It was summer and the windows were open. And I was experiencing heartbreak like only a four-year-old can.

Forty years later, what has stayed with me is the deeply jarring alienation brought on by my father’s inability to cope with, let alone understand, my emotional experience. He just wanted it to stop. How could my father, who I adored beyond words, plead with me not to express an experience that clearly needed his comforting and attention? Shame and confusion were layered over whatever the original hurt may have been. If my father complained that I no longer told him anything when I was a teen, he was reaping seeds he planted when I was very small and needed him to listen.

Connecting with children when they express their emotional experience supports the essential elements of the parent-child relationship. A parent like my father, who begs their child to stop feeling their feelings, at the very least misses a wonderful opportunity for connection, attunement and emotional closeness that could have been used to strengthen the parent child bond for life. Not that it’s always easy to connect with children in these moments. Setting aside your agenda and stopping to warmly devote your attention to a child screaming their way through the grocery store is farther than most parents would want to take this model. But building acceptance into a connected relationship wherever possible has clear, measureable benefits.

The Education Training Research Associates, (ETR) with funding from the Annie E. Casey Foundation, conducted a literature review on the effects of parents developing a secure connection with their children early in life. Their paper, Parent-Child Connectedness: Implications for Research, Interventions, and Positive Impacts on Adolescent Health, 2004 provides an excellent guide for understanding the true impact a strong parent child connection can have on children.

ETR uses the term Parent Child Connectedness, or PCC, to expand the idea of attachment. They define PCC as, “seeing the interaction between parents and children not just as individuals but as part of an on-going, dynamic relationship” (ETR, 2004; p. 5). The parent-child connection endures beyond the early infant years, and is sustained in different ways throughout the life of the child.

ETR’s review of over 600 research studies concludes that Parent Child Connectedness is the “super-protective factor” against negative outcomes in adolescence. Having a close, connected relationship with a caring adult, an adult who listens to the child’s feelings, is the single strongest indicator that an adolescent will reach adulthood without experiencing teen pregnancy or violence, without becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, and without dropping out of high school. Fostering this kind of relationship with our own children takes us beyond emotional intelligence, into a space where the emotion we each experience is accepted, experienced and processed.

While Emotional Intelligence is a wonderful place to start, the key for me has been remembering that experiencing intense emotion takes neurobiological precedence over thinking about that emotion. In other words, it’s hard to think and feel at the same time.

Dan Siegel’s work, The Developing Mind, explains the details of this process, but as a non-neurobiologist I imagine the available energy or attention moving through the three main parts of the brain. The brainstem makes sure you’re breathing, your heart is beating and the salts in your blood are balanced – it keeps your body alive first. Then the limbic system, the seat of emotional response, gets the energy next. If feelings have been triggered, they can highjack us until we are able to process them. This expression of emotion is a normal, universal human response to emotional stress. It’s as natural as the impulse to swear when you hit your thumb with the hammer. The higher cognitive functions are the last to receive the mind’s attention. Just the same way that you can’t balance your checkbook if you can’t breathe, you also can’t balance your checkbook when you are overwhelmed by strong emotions.

Children can’t talk to you about their emotions and feel their emotions fully at the same time. And they can’t fully process their emotions in isolation. The human mind is built to work in connection with other human minds. What I needed at four is the same thing kids of all ages need, a caring adult with whom they can share the full range of their experience without fear of rejection, shaming or condemnation.

Here’s Patty Wipfler’s explanation of the process from her booklet on Crying:

We are so accustomed to seeing the world only from our own vantage point. If we don’t feel sad, no one else should, either. But children’s feelings are like their own personal weather system, which is affected by forces often unseen by you.

To tell your child he should feel happy when he is sad is roughly as effective as telling a rainstorm to go away. Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel so sad” or “I’ll stay right here with you while it’s hard” give your child permission to address and work through bad feelings. Phrases like “It’s only a torn paper. Quit acting like such a baby!” only shame a child. They work against your goal of helping your child rebuild his sense of well-being.

As you listen, you are not necessarily condoning your child’s feelings, nor are you spoiling him. You are helping him recover. Children cry only when they are too upset to think. Feelings of upset can overpower a child and drive him to do things that don’t make sense. As you listen, you drain the power these feelings have over your child. His own good judgment will return once you’ve listened thoroughly.

What have you learned about the best ways to be present with your children’s strong emotions? Please share what works for you to build parent-child connectedness in the Comments.

-Julianne Idleman via The Parent Scientist
You can join join Juli for an online class on the Science of Parenting in January.

Creating Safety for Tough Feelings

A few months ago I became a nanny for a 2 1/2 year old adopted Korean boy. I believe the parents adopted him when he was 17 months old. Prior to this time, he was in a foster home.

I watched him about 4 or 5 times before becoming his nanny. From the very beginning, I felt a wonderful connection with him. Our very first time together we connected through play. I played the “silly” role and he belly-laughed to my antics. Then, he would mimic what I was doing to more peels of laughter from both of us.

When I accepted the position of his steady nanny, I was very aware of his past, full of many separations and changes. He continued to appear happy, very bright and it was evident that we really liked one another. We had many more silly encounters including Playlistening where he was in charge of opening the cabinet and then he would quickly shut it so that I could not get in. This was repeated many times in succession. He was delighted with all this power he had as we played.

Our times together have continued in this way, with one added dimension. I was aware of him becoming a bit more whiny about helping put his toys away and coming downstairs to get ready for bed. One evening, when it was time for his bath, he pulled his blankey out of his crib and hugged it while lying on the couch. I told him he could hold it until the bath was ready for him. When I told him the bath was ready, he refused to get up and clutched his blankey.

I gently took his blankey and put it in his crib and told him right after the bath he could have his blankey again, because it would get wet in the bath. The following hour consisted of him screaming, crying (with little tears), and kicking his legs with an extended arm toward his crib, repeating over and over again how he wanted his blankey NOW!

I remained calm and gently said after the bath he could have his blankey. This erupted into more screaming. Without doing much talking, I occasionally mentioned how hard it was to wait, that he could have it after the bath, and that I would stay right there with him while he was feeling so bad.

In the middle of the tantrum he stopped and noticed a coin on the couch. He picked it up, we had a bit of conversation about it, shared a smile or two; and then, alas, back to screaming how he had to have his blankey NOW! After about 45 minutes, he allowed me to carry him into the bathroom. He started calming a bit and we discussed the toys on the bathroom sink. Eventually, I asked if he was now ready to get into his bath (cold water at this point). He said he was ready so I added some warm water, and even though he was not quite the happiest camper, he was ready to move on. When he got out of the bath, I immediately gave him his blankey as I dried and dressed him. All was well after that.

Fast forward to the NEXT time I was with him. Same routine: me getting bath ready, him on the couch with blankey waiting for me. When I gently told him it was now time for his bath, he looked for a moment as though he was going to protest, then he carefully laid the blankey on the couch and cheerfully got up for his bath! AND, then the next time I was with him, same routine, EXCEPT when I was preparing his bath, I looked up and there he was waiting with a slight smile on his face to come into the bath. He had parted from his blanket on his OWN and was coming in to get into the bath. This same thing happened the next time as well!

Even though it was great to see him work through some deep feelings with the ‘blankey’ as the catalyst, the real reasons for his tantrum aren’t as important as the fact that he was comfortable enough with me to have a tantrum. I am sure all the laughing and Playlistening that we shared is very important groundwork for building trust between us. My guess is that there will be more opportunities for him to express what he needs to express. I feel very lucky to have this opportunity to be with him in all these manifestations! I do find myself feeling amazed by his predominately cheerful, happy-go-lucky self in light of all the separations he has experienced in his young little years. As I enjoy all this, I am also ready at any time to be there when he needs a soft touch, a caring voice, and a warm presence so that he can once again feel safe to get all the fears and hurts out!

- Sushila Hart, a Parenting by Connection Instructor in California

The Good Tantrum

Hi Patty,

My almost 3 1/2 year old is having an especially hard time right now with family coming in to visit over the holidays. He has always had an extremely high need for connection. He still needs to sleep right next to me- not even his super involved attachment parenting dad will suffice. But won’t welcome other family members, and they seem to elicit tantrums.

My question is are we always supposed to hold them during tantrums/high intensity times? The first time it took 45 minutes of him trying to claw, kick, hit and spit on me when trying to hold him during a tantrum. Then he finally gave in. It seemed to help for a while, then he started getting angrier. He would yell, “No don’t hold me.” I stopped holding him during tantrums and just tried to be nearby.

A few Hand in Hand resources suggest that we should hold them no matter what and that this allows them to face their fears, but I have a hard time protecting myself and my young daughter from his physical attacks. I don’t want my angry vibes to get through to him and make it feel less safe and more controlling. I just don’t have the patience to remain totally calm every time. Thanks.

Dear Good Mom,

When a child is experiencing change in the family dynamic, the emotions are ripe for the picking!

It sounds to me like your son is signaling you that he needs to work on his fears of being apart from you. He’s clinging to you during the night out of fear, and he’s responding to the presence of others in the family with fear. Our children learn to cover their fear by trying to keep everything around them “just so,” without fail. When others are around, not only do they attract your attention, which he is afraid to be without, but they also introduce all kind of unpredictability into every moment. So he reacts badly.

Continuing to try to meet an impossibly high need for attachment won’t help any child in the long run. Your son needed great gobs of physical closeness and attention minute by minute when he was an infant. And it probably was during that time that he became afraid that there wouldn’t be enough of you to meet his needs. Now the need is an historical one. But the feelings come up as though they are right here and how. What will help him is to release his fears, and you’re already working on that.

What he’s actually doing is not, strictly speaking, a tantrum. Colloquially, his emotional episodes might be termed tantrums, but it’s good, deep work on fear that he’s doing during these times. We have two booklets, part of the Listening to Children series, that will help you understand the difference: Tantrums and Indignation, and Healing Children’s Fears.

When he becomes upset, give him you. Open your arms, offer love, a sweet voice, and your confidence that he’s got all that he really needs at the moment. A child having a tantrum will become hot, loud, and will writhe and throw himself around, or jump up and down, as if he wanted to climb out of his skin. But he won’t attack you. His frustration won’t be aimed at anyone. And it will be over within about 15 minutes. Tantrums release the feeling of frustration, and they’re wild, but there’s no feeling of “I’m going to get you” behind them.

If he’s working on fear, he will either cling to you for dear life, at the prospect of separation, or he’ll fight you hard, as though you were a mortal enemy. It sounds like he’s been tending to do the latter. Stay close to him, because physical closeness is the best nonverbal indicator to your child that you think things are actually OK. That you can tell the difference between his feelings that come from the past, and the present moment, in which he’s OK, you’re listening, and he’s safe with you.

You don’t have to hold him, necessarily, but I find that when fear runs deep, children benefit from physical exertion in order to overcome the feelings of helplessness in the face of danger that is at the core of any fear. Your job is to maintain safety during this emotional episode. If you stay too far away, his upset will be “dry.” He may show a lot of feeling, but there won’t be much perspiration, trembling or crying, the three signs that feelings are releasing and that his mind will clear.

Any time a child attacks, it’s their signal that they need containment by someone who is loving and receptive to their every signal. You can even set this up with him. When he’s not upset, and you and he are in good contact with one another, let him know that any time he tries to hurt you, you will need to come in close and keep him from hurting anyone. So if he doesn’t like that, and doesn’t want you to do that, he needs to keep from trying to hurt. That’s the deal. This sets up a signaling system. When he needs a chance to work on deep feelings, he knows the signal to use, and knows what to expect from you.

Don’t Staylisten like this when you are angry or tired or fed up. At moments when you’re emotionally drained, go ahead and use some kind of distraction to get through the rocky moment. Distraction can buy you some time to get your mind back in better order. So a cookie, a game of CandyLand, a nice warm bath, or a run around the block will provide you and he with an emotional detour. Think of a few distractions to try in advance of the moment you need them. Write them down and paste your list on the wall. Or make a “911 Call” agreement with a friend, to listen for 5 minutes when the chips are all the way down, and he needs a limit that will bring big feelings.

Anchor him emotionally while he cries and fights. Here are a few of the things it will help him to hear from you: “You’re safe;” “I’m watching over you every minute;” “Whatever was hard on you is over;” “You made it” “I’m making sure you have what you need;” “Here’s my hand on your cheek so you can tell I love you;” “I’ll stay with you until it’s better.” The thought that brings the most intense reaction from him is the thought that best counters the fear he’s working on.

One way to try Staylistening with a child without holding him is to open your arms, sit on the floor, and invite him to come to your lap. Sometimes a child can continue a big vehement cry and protest at the thought of coming in to your arms. You just inch a bit closer every 5 minutes or so, announcing that you are coming, to rev the feelings up again. If he can keep from attacking you, and cry and protest in place, that would be great. Sometimes, that’s possible. But if he’s working on a really big fear, he will probably try to hurt you. That’s your loud-and-clear signal that containment is necessary.

We find that every parent who tries to do Staylistening is much much better at it, and much less drained by it if they are getting some listening time for themselves. Our booklet, Listening Partnerships for Parents, will help you set this up for yourself. If you’re giving him big helpings of emotional assistance, you’re going to need big helpings for yourself—nothing drags our stored feelings out of the locker like a child who trusts us with his big feelings.

It’s also vital to balance Staylistening with Special Time and Playlistening: at least as much time needs to be spent doing those other two tools as you spend doing Staylistening. A child feels manipulated unless the relationship is balanced by safe play, and Special Time.

To help him do this work at a time when the whole family isn’t there to witness it all, you can begin to set limits around sleeping. “Tonight, Daddy is going to sleep next to you. I’m going to sleep in the other room.” Propose that, and let his feelings pour out. Night after night. If Daddy can be welcoming and reassuring, and express his willingness to keep him safe, and his confidence that your son will see you in the morning, every morning, he’ll move through this deep fear with big nightly cries, but improved confidence during the day, until he’s happy to sleep without you there. Then, you can try introducing him to sleeping in a separate bed, not every night, but some nights. When he’s no longer afraid of that, he and you will be close, connected, and have lots of choice about bedtime, and sleeping arrangements. He will have worked through some core fears, with no damage to his confidence. Quite the contrary.

Hope that helps,

Patty Wipfler

Stepping In and Listening

My son, who is 4, my husband and I were all busy getting ready to go to a friend’s house on a Saturday morning. Our neighbors next door, who we are close to, have a 9-year-old. Although we are friends, we have had to limit the time our son spends with their child, because the kind of language he often uses isn’t appropriate for our son to hear. They were making preparations for a birthday party for their son and our son saw this. I told him as he was watching them that we were going to another friend’s, and that the neighbors would save some cake for him and he could have it later.

Then, as we were doing our preparations, he picked up a hockey stick and began hitting things–the couch, the floor, scraping it on a rock in the yard, and poking the cat. His father got annoyed, and said harshly, “Come on! You’ve got to get in the car or we’re not going!” Then our son said, “You b____!”

Before I’d read the Listening to Children booklets, I would have gotten into it, too, and scolded him for talking to his Dad that way, and for banging around with the stick. But I’ve been teaching myself to connect with him when things are bad. I actually figured that he was indignant for good reason–his Dad had spoken very harshly, and threatened him.

So I just decided to try to connect with him. I scooped him up in my arms, sat down on the couch with him, and said, “You really seem to be upset.” He looked at me like I was a stranger. I touched him gently and asked him, “Are you upset because you can’t go to the party?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “It looks like you feel pretty bad that you don’t get to go.” His eyes welled up with tears, and he began to cry.

I held him, and his Dad came in close, too. We listened to him for some minutes. When he stopped, I said, “Why don’t we call the neighbor, and make sure she remembers to save you some cake.” His Dad brought me the phone, and we stayed all snuggled together while I made the call. The neighbor said she would save some cake, and would save him a party bag, too. When he heard this, his whole body relaxed. It was clear that he felt heard, and felt connected again. It was a very sweet little time. He got his things together, ran to the car, and was waiting for us, for a change!

Since I’ve been connecting and letting him have his feelings instead of scolding or giving orders, he’s been so much happier. Instead of walking, he skips everywhere he goes. Listening to him is changing all of our lives!

~ A Parenting by Connection Mom

Picky Eaters Need Limits To Broaden Their Palette

Dear Patty,

I’m confused about how to set boundaries and limits with my 19 month old daughter. I feel like she’s too young to understand what I’m asking of her so how can I ask it of her. She’s not very verbal yet. I also do not want to use any rewards or punishments in my limit-setting, so I’m not sure what I should do.

One of the areas I’m having A LOT of trouble with is food and eating. When we sit down to eat she flings a lot of the food onto the floor and walls, throws it at me, throws dishes and cups and silverware, and pours her water all over the food. She seems like she’s playing when she does this, not angry.

Can I allow myself to want her to behave differently and ask that of her and set a limit around it? Thanks.

Hi, good mother:

There are several issues your question raises, so I’ll try to touch on them all here.

What you need to know is that limits are vital to young children! Absolutely vital. And when you set a limit, you are using power, your power to stop your child from doing something that, in your judgment, doesn’t make sense. Using that power is OK. It’s part of your job. When a child can’t think well, her behavior goes off track, and she can’t get back on track without your help. So setting a limit with an off-track child is a form of love, of assistance, and insures the safety of all.

For example, if you manage to tolerate huge messes being made meal after meal, your own upsets are bound to accumulate until you reach a breaking point. Your upsets will then splash out onto your daughter in the form of some kind of sudden, active upset, aimed at her and her behavior. So even if she’s exploring how gravity pulls plates and bowls to the ground, and what foods stick best to the wall, a limit needs to be set. To rock your equilibrium by throwing food is not in your daughter’s best interests!

Your job is to notice when your child is not able to be relaxed, flexible, and in tune with you and others, and to simply stop the unworkable behavior, then to listen to the feelings she has about the changes you judge necessary. There is no age at which it’s too early to set limits. For instance, if an infant is crying passionately and in her upset, she’s scratching her own face and scalp, a loving parent would keep listening and trying to understand the child, but would keep a gentle hand over her fingers, so she could move as much as she wanted, but couldn’t harm herself in the midst of her upset.

When I worked in infant care, I often set limits with children who were 7 or 8 months old, and wanted only the toys that another infant was holding. I would gently hold the child around the belly as she made a grab for another child’s toy, and say, “No, Alice, there are other things you can play with.” Then, I’d make loving eye contact, and listen to the child cry until her mind cleared. At that point she felt better connected with me, had released the upset that had her locked on the thought, “Only one toy can make me happy,” and could be happy with unclaimed toys.

You’re right that your daughter might need some messy playtime to satisfy her instinct to play and learn with foods and textures. But this need doesn’t have to be filled at mealtime. You could provide a place and time for messes outside where you can hose things down afterward, or inside, with a plastic tablecloth placed under her high chair. Call it Special Time, and let her play with things that have texture and color—playdough, baking soda and water, soaked oatmeal. Let her play, throw, smear and have fun. Get in close, enjoy, and promote laughter if you can. It might be that 20 minutes of messing around every few days would begin to satisfy her desire to learn in this way.

However, when it’s mealtime and she begins to throw and to smear, set a limit. Don’t expect words to work. Words don’t work well in setting limits with children of any age! Move in close, offer a tone of generosity and warmth, and gently but firmly stop her. When she starts to pick up her bowl, hold the bowl to the tray so she can’t. Or when she raises her arm to throw, hold her arm gently. Don’t let her complete that motion. Then, you can use words. “No, sweetie. Not now. You can do that outside/this afternoon during Special Mess Time. Right now, it’s time to eat.”

That’s all. Don’t say much more. Provide just enough physical resistance so the limit is kept, and make eye contact. She will writhe, refuse to look at you, fight you, get hot and sweaty, and eventually, she’ll cry up a storm. You don’t need to hold her, but do put a hand supportively on her back or her leg, to communicate your caring. Let her rip.

This is the emotional release she needs to do in order to become more flexible, in order to be able to do something with food besides make messes. If the emotional issue hiding underneath this behavior is a big one, she may need to cry again and again for several weeks. Or she may need only a few cries like this before she can settle in and think about eating. You’ll just have to see how it unfolds. In any case, listening to her feelings is honoring her experience, while holding a safe and sane limit. You can read more suggestions in our Picky Eater or Getting Beyond The Yuck articles, or get a full description and application of how to apply the tools mentioned above in our Listening to Children set.

Yours,
Patty Wipfler

Helping a Toddler with Biting

I had cared for one toddler at my day care center throughout his infancy and we had shared many good and close times together. He began biting other toddlers a few months after he had moved into the toddler room. It took our staff a week, and a couple of conversations with his Mom, before we came upon what we thought was a likely explanation for his biting. We noticed that he usually bit other children on Wednesdays and Fridays. We put that pattern together with the information that his mother had started an evening class that met Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that she didn’t see him at all those evenings.

We guessed that missing his mother was the tension behind the biting. He didn’t seem any more tense or upset than usual, and his good byes to her in the mornings happened without clinging or crying. So whatever feelings he had about evenings without his mommy weren’t showing up at our center.

We figured that the first task we had was to build a closer, warmer relationship with him, so that he could trust us more fully with his feelings. And we asked his mother to give some Special Time to him any morning that she could, and to come earlier, so she could spend some one-on-one time with him at our center before leaving. With a close 10-minute playtime before his Mom left, he would have the connection and reassurance he needed to allow himself to cry with her before she left, instead of holding in his feelings and biting others later.

So, on days when his mother had to leave quickly, we had a caregiver greet him warmly, and spend 5 or 10 minutes of Special Time with him at the beginning of the day. Then, a caregiver stayed within two feet of him, so that when he lunged for a child’s arm, she had a good chance of stopping him before he made contact. She would slide an arm around his tummy so he couldn’t reach any farther, and bring him over to her lap. He cried and struggled to get away, perspiring and working through his fears. If the caregiver had to leave him partway through to attend to another child he would sit on the floor looking forlorn. When she returned with warm words and the reassurance of her embrace he would struggle and cry some more. We found that if he could work in this way on his fears and sadness for about 15 minutes, he would emerge more cheerful, and would usually be able to make it through the morning without biting.

On days when his mother could spend time in our classroom before leaving, I would come in and join the two of them, and encourage the mom to follow his lead, but stay very close to him. I asked her to begin her good-bye at least 5 minutes before she actually had to go, so that I could help him actually look at her, encourage him to hug her and hold her tight, and help her reassure him that she would be back at the end of the day. I would also try to help him laugh, by saying, “Here’s what we’re going to do when your mommy comes back!”, holding him in my arms, running to a far corner of the room, then rushing up to her, saying, “Mommy, you’re back!” and putting him in her arms. He liked that game a lot! After a few days of solemn good-byes, he finally could cry when his mommy left. I stayed with him, kept telling him she would return and that she loved him, for as long as I could.

Several good-byes were tearful after that one, and over a period of many months of short opportunities to work through his fears, both when his mommy left and when we intervened before a bite, he grew gentler, trusted us more and was more easily able to simply cry when he was upset. His need to bite ended.

- Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand and Hand

You can read more about Parenting by Connection tools in the Listening to Children booklets or sign up for November’s free teleseminar “No More Hitting” with Patty Wipfler and Dr. Laura Markham from Aha! Parenting.

Little Ones Have Big Feelings

Help! My 5 year old seems to be out of control these days. He throws toys, he’s very physical with me and our nanny, hitting us (and friends) as hard as can.

He’ll be sweet one minute, but when when asked to do something he doesn’t like, he’ll begin a hitting tantrum. I’m worried he will hurt his 23 month old younger sister. I feel like I’ve tried everything. What can I do?

-Tired of Tantrums

Dear Tired,

Aggressive behavior in children can be very upsetting for the adults in their lives. I’m sure this is a tough situation for all involved and this little guy clearly could use some help with big feelings.

First, it’s important to understand that children don’t want to attack other people. I’m sure your son would much rather have fun and feel safe and loved. Kids get along well with others when they are able to feel a loving connection to the caregivers in their lives.

Unfortunately, a child’s sense of the connection that they need can be very fragile. Children may not always be able to tell that they are loved, respected and safe. When their sense of safe connection breaks, kids feel tense, frightened, or isolated. Not feeling connected to an adult who has ‘got your back’ is very upsetting to a child. It causes them to lose touch with their good thinking. In this “emotional emergency,” they may lash out at other children or adults. But it’s very important to understand that children don’t intend to be harmful. In fact, acts of aggression like this are beyond the child’s ability to control themselves. They need an adult to help them.

This “Helping Children with Aggression” article will give you some practical steps to take to stop the hurtful behavior and listen to the feelings behind the aggression so you can both move on to having a better, closer, day.

You might also be interesting in a second article called “Handling Children’s Feelings in Public Places” that talks more about using this connecting approach with children to get ahead of feelings that may cause aggression later. We have a full set of booklets that go in depth about your child’s feelings and how to use tools like Special Time and Staylistening to help you and your son turn the tantrums into moments of connection. We also invite you to sign up for our free teleseminar this month “No More Hitting!”

We’ll be thinking of you and your little guy. Let us know how it goes,

Julianne Idleman

Super-protective Factor: Tales of Parenting by Connection

Nurturing the Parent-Child Connection

Monthly Archives: November 2011