Monthly Archives: March 2012

Why is it Important to Say Very Little During Staylistening?

It was a Saturday afternoon and my daughter (almost 10) and I were in the car on our way to meet with family for lunch. My daughter brought with her a CD we used to listen to when she was younger back when we lived in the US. (Two years ago our family has moved back to Israel after living almost 9 years in the states.)

The memories that were brought up for her by the songs and being just the two of us in the car made my daughter feel more aware of her feelings and she started to tell me all the hard things that she’s dealing with, all the things she used to have and she misses, and about how I was not making a good choice for her. That went on for the whole 15 minutes drive.

Nothing she said was new to me, but the way she said it and the clarity in which she articulated, it were very powerful. As I was listening to it all I hardly said a word. Whenever I could, I tried to look back at her and offer my eye contact, and throughout the whole time I was holding myself not to say anything. The one thing that I said only once the entire time was “I really want you to have a good life.”

As she was talking, she wasn’t crying, but I could tell by the look on her face that she was very emotional. I can’t tell you enough how hard that was to sit there and listen to all that she had to say. I felt so guilty and sad. But somehow I knew that the best thing I could offer her at that moment was my silent listening. She already knows my perspective, and I have offered her my advice and my comfort plenty of times. I couldn’t do anything to fix it, but I could offer her my loving attention.

When we got to our destination, I told her:” I love you so much, and I promise you I will think about everything you’ve told me.” She went out of the car and all I wanted to do was to stay there and cry by myself, but I knew this would have to wait for my next Listening Partnership, and it did…

The interesting thing about this event was that after those 15 minutes of sharing, ranting, accusing and longing she spent the next few days laughing hard, long, and wholeheartedly. She stayed at her grandma’s, and I was told they were laughing and playing the whole time. When my husband saw her after the few weeks he hadn’t seen her, he also noticed her high spirit and her continuous laughter. I guess she felt much lighter after dumping these big rocks of feelings off her mind.

I think part of what inspired me in this Staylistening session was reading a recent blog post by Kirsten Nottelson who was telling a story of a mom in her class. This story reminded me that even when things are hard, and there isn’t much we can do to fix or solve the situation (as much as we would have liked to…) our listening still goes a LONG way.

- Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Israel

- Join Certified Instructor Ravid Aisenman Abrahmsohn in one of her classes / teleseminars:

Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn

1) Building Emotional Understanding Online starting February 13. Register now.

A Little Listening Can Move Mountains

A friend of mine, a wonderful woman with a very positive attitude and with whom I had been doing a listening partnership, wanted to talk about a situation with her son’s class teacher.  Her son had been coming home unhappy almost every day.  She is a parent who volunteers in the classroom.  She felt that the teacher had identified some children as her favorites, with her son not being among them.

My friend’s son was in a combination class with a single teacher for two grade levels.  At the end of the first year of her being in this class, she asked for a change of class because her son had been so unhappy.  At first she met with a lot of criticism from the teacher and resistance from the principal.

My friend was naturally very distressed about the whole situation.  During a listening partnership session with me, she was able to release a lot of her anger and upset feelings about this issue and was able to cry about this.  I stayed and listened to her feelings.  And it seemed to have had the right effect!

Within a few days, she had figured out exactly how she was going to approach the situation with the class teacher and the principal.  She rehearsed what she was going to say and discussed it with the teacher and principal with self-assurance and confidence.  She finally did get what she wanted; her son was moved to a different class.

Sometimes we don’t realize the effect we can have on people, simply through our listening (or not listening).  I was moved by how a little listening can move mountains.

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Helping a Child Go From Tantrum to Intensely Focused

Big-eyed boyAlbert is a really sweet, sensitive, bright 9-year-old boy who comes to me for math tutoring.  He is full of ideas and thinks deeply about many things.

On this particular afternoon, our third session together, Albert had come to me without having had much sleep the night before.  His mother had sent me a quick email to inform me about this.  I knew he would have difficulty engaging with the math, so I was prepared for big emotions.

As soon as he arrived he devoted his entire attention to a snake cube (aka elastic cube) puzzle that I happened to have on my desk.  The last time he had been here, he had played with the puzzle for just a few minutes, after which he had been happy to engage with the math.  This time around, however, when I gently set a limit after a few minutes of his playing with the puzzle, saying that it was time to do some math, he just could not disengage from the puzzle.  He continued to have a go at it and kept getting more and more upset because he wasn’t able to figure out how to solve it.

His frustrations grew.  “This is impossible to solve.  I can’t do it.  Why is it so hard?”   I stayed with him and listened to his feelings with reassuring noises and a few gentle words like, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you.  I’m sorry it isn’t easier.”  I also added, “Let’s put it away right now and get down to some math,” to which he said, “No, I’m not going to do any math until I solve the puzzle.”

His mother had been there the whole time.  She and I continued to remind him gently that it was time to take a break from the puzzle.  His mother said that he could take it home with him with my permission and could solve it later.  But he insisted that he had to solve it right then and there.

Soon his frustrations turned to anger.  “How could anyone invent something like this that no one can solve?  They should not make such inventions.  Nobody should make such inventions.  Nobody should be allowed to make such inventions.  Nobody should make ANY invitations.  I need a pair of scissors.  I’m going to cut up the elastic and smash the puzzle into the ground.”

Albert finally let go of the puzzle and lay down on the floor, full of tears and crying with full abandon.  He was now quite distraught, but he knew I was there listening to him.  His mother was very supportive of both him as well as my approach with him.

It was heart-breaking to then watch him go into feelings about his very existence.  “There is something wrong with me.  Why me?  Why me?  Why is everything so difficult for me?  Why isn’t anyone telling me what’s wrong with me?  I must have been adopted.  I shouldn’t even exist.”  I told him I would be very sad if he didn’t exist.  At which point he countered with, “How could you feel sad about my not existing?  You would never have known me if I had not existed.”  To this, I replied, “There would be an empty space in my heart that I would feel sad about… and I would not know why I was sad.”

Soon he stopped crying, but he still didn’t seem ready to do the math, so I asked if he wanted a little back massage.  He agreed and I walked him through a guided imagery relaxation routine, while massaging his back at the same time.  This seemed to help somewhat, but he was still a little wound up.  Sure enough, after a short while, there was another outpouring of feelings for a few more minutes, but the tears were less intense now.  Throughout this whole time, I listened to his feelings and his mother continued to stay supportive of what I was doing.  I felt very grateful for that.

All of a sudden, right at the end of our tutoring hour, Albert was all ready to engage with the math.  I didn’t have the heart to send him home just when he was finally ready to engage, so I freed up some time to work with him.  I was so amazed at how much he soaked up during the forty minutes we worked on math.  I went through a stream of many related concepts, some of which were review, while some were distinctly new.  But he had absolutely no trouble absorbing everything I said and very quickly at that.  I didn’t need to offer any second explanations.  He was very bright and grasped it all right away.  The prefrontal cortex part of his brain was clearly in full gear now.  He was focused, responded well to the questions I asked him, totally understood everything I taught him, and was able to figure out how to approach problems.  He went from being intensely distraught to completely focused!  It was like night and day.

Toward the end, just before he left, Albert engaged in a deep and thoughtful conversation about how people should listen to other people including children no matter what age they were, because children have important things to say.  How true!  He also talked about being in a world where everything was free, where no one would have to work to earn a living, and where everyone would just share what they had with other people.  He also talked about the equality of boys and girls and how it was unconstitutional to have books written just for boys vs. girls!  I felt honored that he would share some of his deep thoughts with me.

Sometimes it takes a whole hour of listening and sometimes it’s just five minutes.  And sometimes it can take many hours.  But the power of listening is always amazing!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Listening Makes All The Difference In The World

I heard a very touching story in one of my classes recently. We were talking about the value of listening to our children’s strong emotions, and I asked if anyone had been listened to in that way as a young child. One woman raised her hand and said, “Yes. One time.” She had been raised by her single mother who was a school teacher. She was the oldest of three and very involved in taking care of her younger siblings and making sure everything went well. They struggled a lot and were often short of money.

At one point she said she was having a particularly hard time so her mother sent the younger siblings over to a neighbor’s house, then took her out to the garage and said, “Okay, let me hear it.” Her mom just listened while she got to yell and cry and scream about how hard it was and that it wasn’t fair. She had never gotten to really let it all out like that. She knew that her mom really wanted to hear it, since she had sent the younger ones next door so that she could have time just with her. She told her, “I know this sucks, sweetie. I wish it were different.” She didn’t try to make her feel any different or tell her it wasn’t so bad. She just listened.

The woman said it made all the difference in the world to her. It seemed as if she could carry on. Just because she knew her mom was on her side that way.

What I think is interesting is that even though she didn’t get listened to many times in that way, she still really understood how important it is for her to listen to her children when they are struggling. That one experience really made a difference for her. It’s such a good reminder to me when I think of all the times when I’ve felt badly because I just didn’t have it in me to give my children the attention I would have liked to, or just couldn’t listen.

Kirsten Nottleson-Join Certified Instructor Kirsten Nottleson in her Building Emotional Understanding course. Starts March 27. Register now.

Restraining with Reassurance Helped Learning

Usha has two Teaching Credentials in addition to her Certification as a Parenting by Connection instructor

One of my students, David, a bright seven-year-old boy, sometimes got into a space where all noises felt too loud and even the slightest sound was too stimulating for him.  One second all was well; the next second, he was having an emotional meltdown.  He had an aide working with him, so every time he had an emotional meltdown, the aide had been at his side to support him.  I had had very little opportunity to build a relationship with David.  Not surprisingly, it had been hard for me to get him to do the work I had asked my group of students to do.  David usually wanted to do his own thing.

On one occasion when David had a meltdown, he started physically thrashing at his aide.  All logical thinking had flown out the window.   Emotions were all that was left.  It was clear that neither he nor anyone else in the room was going to learn anything.  The aide tried to protect himself with his arms but not very successfully.  Clearly David needed more help.  I moved in close, put my arms around David, and restrained him.  He started trying to hit and kick me and tried to wriggle free.  With very few words, “I can’t let you hurt him.  I can’t let you hurt me.  I’m sorry it’s so hard,”  I reassured him and continued restraining him.  He kept saying, “I have to hurt him,” but I didn’t let him go free.  I simply kept holding him until it became clear to me that he was not going to hurt anyone.  Emotional and physical safety, both for him and for others, was critical.

After a while, he stopped the hitting and kicking and simply lay down on the ground, still visibly upset.  I immediately let go of him and stayed by his side, listening to his feelings, while a parent aide attended to the needs of the other kids.  I had set a limit on his behavior, but listened to his feelings.  After a little while, he started to feel better.

It was hard to know what triggered it all that day.  And it was not the only time he has had such experiences.  But what I do know is that my relationship with David began to grow in a positive way after that incident.  He knew that he could be safe with me.  After that day he did so much better at engaging in the learning activities I had planned for the kids.  He still continued to have his meltdowns every now and then, but our relationship had come a long way and it was so nice to see his eyes sparkle whenever he talked to me about something he was interested in!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Helping My Son With Lying

I had given my son $20 to go with friend to a water park for the day. When he came home he gave me $10 saying he’d used the rest for food. A few days later the friend’s mother called to ask about something and mentioned that she had sent all the money back with him. I told my son that I knew he hadn’t spent the money on food and did he keep it? He sheepishly nodded yes.

I didn’t want him to feel badly about himself but I did want him to be accountable. Right away I felt like I was floundering around, not knowing how to handle this properly. In my upbringing, shame and guilt would have been used to solve this issue. There would not have been any possible way to walk out of the situation with any sense of dignity. Both my husband and I worked together on this one. We sat down with our son on the couch as we talked to him about how important it is to be honest and that we wanted to be able to trust him. That we love him no matter what and that giving the money back would help clear out that yucky feeling inside. He went and got his wallet, gave us $10 and then ran to his room crying.

This is where I often struggle. I think, “Maybe he needs time by himself right now. Am I smothering him? Invading his space?” It goes on like that in my mind. I had to trust my gut, which told me, “I wouldn’t want to be alone if I felt that bad. I would want someone to follow me and let me know I was loved.”

I checked in with my husband, and we agreed that this was a good opportunity for him to get out a lot of stored up feelings he’d had about taking the money, and that we didn’t want him to have to keep carrying those around. The super good news about this is that in the past my husband has had a hard time when our son is having big feelings, especially when he can see that me being close to him makes the feelings come out stronger. In the past he has leaned on the side of “Leave him alone if he’s walking away. Don’t upset him even more.”

We followed him to his room, knocked, and asked if we could come in. “No!” “Well, can I stay outside the door?” “No!” “Well, how about five feet away?” “Okay.” So I sat down and let him know I’d be right there if he needed me and that I wasn’t going to leave him alone.

I couldn’t hear much going on inside. Occasionally it sounded like he was still crying. Of course I wanted to burst in and hold him and tell him, “Everything’s okay!” I hated that my “baby” was feeling so bad. But I was trying to allow him to feel in charge by respecting the distance he requested. Every once in a while I would remind him that I was there, and that I was sorry he was feeling so badly. Sometimes he’d tell me “Shut up!” or “I don’t care!” and I’d say I’m not leaving.

This went on for quite a while, until finally he opened the door and burst out, “That was my money you took and Ronnie said I could be his friend if I gave him that $10 and now you have my money so I don’t have it and that’s not fair!” and slammed the door. The tear floodgates opened (for me too).

It took at least 45 minutes of my husband and I taking turns listening for him to finally get that out. If we had left him alone when he had told us to, he easily could have tucked that story away and carried all that crummy stuff around: feeling bad that he’d lied about using the money for food, feeling bad that his friend had put him in a weird position, feeling bad that we thought he took it himself. You could see how that could easily “gunk up the system.”

He still had the door shut and we could hear him crying hard inside. We let him continue to cry, with gentle reminders of our love. I realized there could be an array of leftover feelings: “Did I betray my friend? Will he still be my friend?” I let him know we still love Ronnie and that we knew that he just got a little confused about money.

Before long he came out and wanted lots of snuggling. We talked about what he wanted to do about it, and had him practice with us what he wanted to say to his friend about getting the money back. I called the mom the next day and told her what happened and let her know there were no hard feelings. The boys got together and talked and the money was exchanged, and they played happily together after that.

I was so pleased that we were able to tackle the situation so well, as a team. I have no doubt that the extra attention my son got from having us both there allowed him to get to the hard stuff that he was trying so hard to hide. I was also pleased that we got to find out what was at the root of the issue for a change. So often it just looks like release of emotions and healing but I don’t know exactly what it was about. It was a big victory for our family and a step in the right direction.

Kirsten Nottleson-Join Certified Instructor Kirsten Nottleson in her Building Emotional Understanding course. Starts March 27. Register now.

Listening Time Clears Up My Clouded Thinking

I was having a very busy week and was already somewhat overwhelmed with all that had to get done. I had just watched a disturbing segment of a video about language experiments done on children in an orphanage and was about to make dinner for my family and head out to teach a class. The video had upset me but I had all that stuff to do before I went out to teach, so off I went. On with the show!

I soon noticed I could barely think. I kept going into a room and forgetting why I was there, couldn’t remember what I was doing. It was like my brain had literally shut down—nothing could go in and nothing could go out. My sister-in-law called with important information about my nephew’s upcoming wedding and I could hear her talking but it was not making sense. I knew something was way off but couldn’t stop to do anything about it.

I went on autopilot and somehow got my family fed and got in the car to go teach. I thought, “How am I going to pull this off? I’m a wreck.” I quickly realized that I needed some listening time. I called a listening partner and she agreed to exchange ten minutes. I spent the first three minutes talking about how overwhelmed I was and what a busy week it had been, thinking that that was the problem.

And then it hit me. I mentioned the language experiments done on those orphans and started wailing. I had thought when I heard it, “I should take some time on that,” but it wasn’t convenient at that moment. I cried hard about those poor children for a few more minutes and quickly felt much clearer. I realized that hearing that on the video was when I stopped being able to function. I’d been able to manage the stress until that one thing tipped the scales, and that just a few minutes of good attention made it possible for me to move on again. I was able to go teach and the class went smoothly.

Amazing how this process works!

Kirsten Nottleson

-Join Certified Instructor Kirsten Nottleson in her Building Emotional Understanding course. Starts March 27. Register now.

Daddy can care for you too!

I began to well up with tears watching them reconnect with each other through simple eye contact.

“Just Momma!” my daughter would cry. “Momma do it!” During the toddler and early pre-school years my daughter would cling to me for dear life when all I wanted to do was take a shower in peace. While this wasn’t an every day event, it was still enough that it limited both of us and created tension in our lives.

These feelings of needing mommy really flared around the time she was 3 1/2. We had recently moved across the country, leaving friends and family, and she had started a new pre-school where there wasn’t space for a teacher to hold her for the time she needed to cry about separation. All of these things may have contributed to her pushing dad away more.

During this time my daughter’s dependence on me was high and I was needing a break from always being the “go-to” parent. My husband and I really wanted to help her release the fears she was holding on to so she could see that her dad was available and ready to listen to her too.

One morning our opportunity came when she burst into tears over a torn pancake. She ran from the kitchen to the bathroom where I was getting ready for the day. Instead of following the same pattern of Mommy doing the Staylistening, I checked that my husband was feeling okay with listening. He was, so I told our daughter I was going to finish getting ready and that Daddy would take care of her while I wasn’t available. Her dad took her out of the bathroom and told her that he loved her and would take care of her. She cried and cried for me to come out.

I knew the best way for my daughter to work through her separation anxiety and fears was for her to be able to show, by crying, fighting, and trembling, how hard it was for her to be away from me while I was actually right there next to her. So as soon as I was finished getting ready for the day I came out and sat by them.

My husband held his arms gently around her waist as she cried to get out of his lap and into mine. It felt awkward not to just take her into my arms. But I remembered whenever I did bring her close for comfort, the hard feelings just stayed stuck inside. After comforting her I noticed she would shut down for awhile and retreat back into herself. She would often whine and cling or find some other pretext to cry about.

We were taking a “leap of faith” in listening to her tears all the way through. My love and warmth were right there available to her, but by not taking her into my arms the feelings were able to pour right out.

I sat on the floor right in front of her and held her hands. I told her I was right by her, that I wasn’t leaving and that Daddy could take care of her. She fought and cried at this suggestion. She told me I was “Too far away!” Even though our knees were touching and we were holding hands.

“Daddy can do it,” I told her. “Daddy can take care of you.” We knew she did know this on some level, since he has taken care of her since she was a baby and they often spend hours together going fun places or just hanging out at home. Her dad repeated that he loved her and would take care of her.

We listened to her cry for me all the while gently reassuring her and staying close. Her crying slowed until she lay trembling in daddy’s arms. In a slow and gentle voice I listed all the things Daddy did to care for her, from playing to feeding to helping with pottying. I told her when she was ready she could look in our eyes and see that everything was OK, and that we loved her. She looked in my eyes first (oh, those sweet brown eyes!) and then bashfully started peeking at Daddy’s eyes. I began to well up with tears watching them reconnect with each other through simple eye contact. She smiled and it felt the cloud had lifted.

Once we were all reconnected, we decided to have Special Time together for 15 minutes. She asked to play “little girl” which means she plays the mommy and I play the little girl. Not surprisingly, she guided the play to where she had to leave me “the little girl” with Daddy. I protested and cried while Daddy gently held me in his arms. She reassured me that Daddy would take care of me and even began to list all the things he knew how to do. When the timer beeped we ended the game and I told her that Daddy and I needed to talk about the day. She simply said, “OK, I’ll be in my room.” and happily went off to play on her own.

Listening to our daughter’s feelings about needing mommy has been an on-going “emotional project.” In practicing Parenting by Connection, space is made so she can show us how hard it is for her and then feel the tremendous relief once those feelings are released. Her natural confidence always reappears after a “session” and I see her thinking well again and remembering that Daddy can care for her too.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course beginning March 14th.