Monthly Archives: May 2012

Staylistening Helps my Sons Share

My three-year-old and I had a Special Time during my older son’s piano lesson.  When it ended and was time to pick my older son up, my younger son asked if he could get stickers also.  His brother gets stickers at the end of a piano lesson.  I said casually, “Okay let’s go in and ask the teacher.”

So we went inside the piano teacher’s house.  We asked and the teacher said yes.  She gave my older son a sticker, and also generously gave my younger son one, a different sticker.  But he didn’t want his.  Instead, he wanted his brother’s.  “I want that one!” he whined.

The piano teacher in her seventies told my younger son harshly, “This is your brother’s, not yours.”  Hearing this, he started crying, and fell down on the floor.  Seeing a three-year-old throw a tantrum, the piano teacher shook her head, waved her hands and told us that he was not welcome at her house anymore from then on.

Deeply embarrassed, I said good-bye to the teacher thanking her for the lesson and the stickers, took both boys out and managed to bring my crying son in my car.  I was triggered by the upset the piano teacher aimed at us so it took quite an effort stay as calm as I could.

Inside the car, I Staylistened for about 40 minutes.  My older son was waiting in his seat, peacefully, humming and tapping on an imaginary piano.  I sat in the back seat, Staylistening to my younger son as much as I could.  It became really hard for me to continue to listen a few times as I started thinking resentfully about what the piano teacher told us.  I took deep breaths now and then.  Then I went back to more Staylistening.  My younger son was frantic.  He asked, “Let’s go back and get the sticker!”  I replied, “No, we are not going to go back in.  We’ll stay here in a car for now.”  It took a long time, but he finally finished crying.

To my delight, my older son, who was sitting quietly next to us, looked up as soon as his brother finished crying, and offered a toy dinosaur, which was a special dinosaur he had received that day at school, something he would not share earlier.  It was very sweetly done and let me realize that I was not alone in my listening. My older son was also compassionately attending to my younger son’s crying.  The brothers were happy together all evening after this incident.

Later, after I had stopped the lessons from this piano teacher, I heard that there were others who had stopped too, due to her occasional harshness.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Resolving My Son’s Biting

My younger son (age 2-1/2) started biting when he was just over two years old.  He would bite when he and his older brother had sharing issues, or when he didn’t get his way.  He would bite really hard.  He could not assert himself against his older brother, who was three years older, more able and verbal, and biting seemed to be an impulsive response.

Resolving the biting issue was a priority over other jobs I had, and I rationed my energy and attention to deal with his new aggression. I reduced the time I spent on my household work (I did very minimum vacuum cleaning, dish washing and cooking!) to stay close by when my sons were together so I could reach in before things escalated.  I would spend five to ten minutes hanging out in the same room often during the day, or sit between them when they were playing together.

Sometimes, though, when I was in the bathroom or answering the phone, I could not stop my son from biting.  My older son would be hurt and cry frantically, and my younger would be upset, his face frozen in guilt.  I rushed to them, apologized to both that I wasn’t there.  Then I would listen to each, one at a time.  Often when I Staylistened to one, the other one would try to climb on my lap.  So I learned how to hold them both on my lap, keeping them from hurting each other.

My success rate at holding my younger son’s forehead away from my older son’s body, thus keeping him from biting increased.  I learned to read their very first signals of disconnect, like a slight change in their tone of voice or their mood, so I could prevent an attack, and I patrolled them when they came back together after a long separation.

This vigilant patrolling went on for a while.  I worked on my embarrassment, guilt, worry and anger about this challenging situation in my Listening Partnerships, which gave me an insight into the helplessness I felt in the similar situations I encountered as a child (I was bullied). My Listening Partner gave me several chances to stand up and take charge, saying the things I had no power to say as a child, and releasing the anger I’d held for so long.  It felt like rewriting my own life history.

I kept offering regular Special Time to both sons too.  In one of the Special Times with my younger son, he would bite me suddenly really hard in the midst of our happy horsy ride.  I stopped our play, offered eye contact, though his eyes didn’t meet mine, and said, “I can’t let you bite.”  He then started crying.  Again, a few more Special Time were spent on his sudden biting, my limit setting and his crying.  This led to him biting his brother less and less.

This work brought gradual change; after six months, he did not bite anymore.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Special Time and the Bossy Bug

My older son, who was six, was constantly on the edge for a few weeks.  He would cry, letting out his feelings on weekends, and then go back to school on Monday.  His first grade teacher told us that he would take a long time on each school task, and sometimes couldn’t finish.

I sensed his tension building up again as the week went on.  I had a clue what might be keeping him on the edge; he showed it to me during Special Time.  He would order me to run and get something really fast!  He would say, “Get it right now!  ”You are too late! Faster!”  Next, he started drawing.  He would not want me to see it, or say anything.  ”Don’t speak!  Don’t look!  Don’t touch,” he commanded.

He was utterly frustrated and tearing one sheet after another. Ordered not to speak or look, I held onto his back like a koala bear, paying attention to him from behind.  When the timer went off and he finished his drawing, he gave it to me like a gift.  It ended sweetly, but whatever it was he was going through felt really intense.

A few days later, he was bossy to his younger brother.  He was giving orders, but the next moment, stopping him from doing what he asked him do.  I went over and playfully said, “Uh oh, there is a bossy bug hiding here!” and lightly picked at my older son’s pants and shirts, pretending to hunt for the “bug” that was making him bossy.  But, he didn’t find it funny. Instead, he was upset and tried to bite my hand.

I thought that was a clear signal that he wanted me to stop him.  I stopped him and asked what was going on.  He would not answer, but struggled and cried.  As he struggled to escape from me, my elbow brushed his forehead.  He fell over in a great pain, crying hard, “That hurt!”

He didn’t want me to come near, so I stepped back a little.  I said I loved him, and would like to hear what happened. I told him he didn’t deserve whatever might have scared him, that he is a good boy and didn’t have to feel that bad. To this, my son gave out a sharp shrill kind of crying.  He then came over to my lap and cried more. I think he cried hard for 10 or 20 minutes.  Then, his attention shifted and he stopped crying.

After this, his voice changed from sassy and bossy to sweet and his face relaxed into quick smiles.  Then, he piled up pillows on our bed saying that it was for me.  There were three piles next to each other and he asked his brother and me to sit on them next to each other.  I couldn’t believe this was the same boy who didn’t want us near him, and could not be satisfied with anything half an hour ago.  He sat next to me and cuddled up sweetly.  Then, the two brothers roughhoused and played happily before going to bed.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Special Time Gets our Son to School

My husband and I took our sons to Tokyo. We stayed with my mother and had the boys go to a Japanese preschool for three-and-a-half weeks.  It was a great language and cultural immersion and bonding time for the family.  But it was a rough start, especially for my younger son, who was almost three.

On the first day my sons went to school, my younger son was very proud despite the fact that he had jet lag and it was the longest time he’d spent away from us.  He walked from preschool back home proudly chanting, “I am not a baby.  I am not little.  I am big.”

The next several days, however, he didn’t want to go to preschool anymore. He was crying over small things; he cried when I asked him to put on his sock (usually, he is quick to dress).  He had a big cry and tantrum when I stopped him from bothering his brother.  He couldn’t put on his school uniform without crying. He couldn’t change into indoor shoes at school without crying.  He would cry that he wanted me when his preschool teacher took him inside.

I worked to offer connection through Special Time every morning when he was still in his PJs.  Funny thing — for one Special Time, he chose to dress himself in school uniform! Something he had been refusing to do for days!

I used my Listening Partnership for this emotional project, and talked with the preschool teachers about my son’s need to work through some feelings about separation. We arranged to come to school 15 minutes early to start the good-bye process, leaving room for us to listen to his feelings.  We were even considering pulling him out of school entirely, as it was so hard.

On the third morning, his dad set a limit when he threw food on the floor, and my son started struggling long and hard. He was totally upset.  My husband harnessed him in his arms and, after crying and fighting awhile, my son fell asleep.

After a two-hour nap, I went to him and I still remember him looking up at me in the eye.  He told me, “I am ready to go.”  I asked where.  He said, “To school.”

The school had only an hour left by then, but we decided to go.  I was expecting resistance when we tried to change his clothes, so I stood up to get myself ready.  To my surprise, he got ready quickly, by himself, and we went out of the door.

He almost ran to school (it’s a good 20 minute walk for a child), waved goodbye to us and used the bathroom, which had been very challenging.  He finished the day well, and was still talking proudly about his day at school as he fell asleep that night.

My son did fine in his preschool in Tokyo for the rest of our three-week stay.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Building a Parenting Community for Yourself and Your Family

Doing something new or different with your parenting can be an adventure. It can also feel deeply validating when you connect with other parents who are doing the same thing. Here are some ideas for bringing together a local group of families to support, encourage and enjoy one another along the Parenting by Connection path.

ImageMeet Globally, Connect Locally

To start off, you are welcome to join our online discussion group of over 1000 Parenting by Connection parents. Our group is quite active. It’s a welcoming, supportive place for parents, caregivers and professionals to talk about using Parenting by Connection and our archives contain years of inquiries and discussions on a multitude of parenting topics. But even more importantly, you can use the group mailing list to connect with parents who live near you. You are welcome to post a note there asking parents in your area to contact you. Then you can talk about ways to connect in person, perhaps meeting at a local park to introduce yourselves. You can post the same type of message on our Facebook page, if you would like.

If you’d be interested in writing about how you are using Parenting by Connection in your family, we’d be happy to include it on our blog along with any contact info you’d like to share with local parents who are interested in connecting with you.

You might also consider starting your own local Parenting by Connection Study Group. You can download the guidelines for the Study Group and get started right away. You don’t need to be an expert. We have booklets and articles to guide you. You simply need an interest in listening to other parents with deep respect, warmth and confidence in their intelligence, and a commitment to listen without offering judgment or advice.

Have a wonderful time building your parenting community!

Juli

Julianne Idleman
Director of Communications at Hand in Hand

Making Potty Training into Play Time

My three-year-old was getting better at using the potty, but he would end up wetting his pants once in a while.

One day, in a supermarket while trying to get grocery shopping done quickly, he started wiggling like he needed to go potty. I asked him to use the bathroom.  He was very reluctant, acting like a dog refusing to move despite a tug of the leash.

I was tempted to try persuasion, negotiation or bribery, but decided to suggest Special Time instead.  It was a busy morning and I wanted to “fill his cup” first, even though it felt like I couldn’t afford the time.

I said, “We can play whatever you want.  We don’t have a timer, so let’s do a three-minute Special Time until that clock shows 11:45.”  He agreed very happily.

For his Special Time, he told me to be a horse, so I went down on all fours on the supermarket floor in front of the bathroom with my son on my back.  I wasn’t sure what others in the store would think of me!

But after about half a minute of horsy ride in front of the bathroom, my son announced the end of Special Time, saying, “Ring, ring, timer!  Let’s go potty!”  though his time wasn’t up yet.

And after this brief connection in play, my three-year-old went into the bathroom and used the potty successfully.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Beyond Breastfeeding

My 2-1/2-year old son was tired. It was past his nap time. As I laid him down for his nap, he looked up at me very lovingly and said, “Can I have some of your milk, mommy?” His voice was tender and sweet.

It had been about six months since I had breastfed him at naptime. We had been through this before. I told him I understood that he wanted “Mommy’s milk”, but that I didn’t have any milk for him during the day – only at night and in the morning – and I let him know he could have cow’s milk if he wanted. He asked again, even more politely, “Please can I have some of your milk, mommy?”

I came close to him and said gently, with lots of warmth in my voice, “Oh, I know you really want some of my milk right now, but I don’t have any milk for you now. You can have cow’s milk or water – your choice.”

Typically, he would give one of two responses. He would either go into a full blown emotional release, with lots of crying, kicking and screaming, in which case I would come close, stay calm, and listen with warmth and love as he told me all about how much he wanted “Mommy’s milk”. Or, he would perk up a little at the option to have cow’s milk or water, and he would be content with that. However, on this particular occasion his response was different.

He quickly covered his eyes with his hands, whined a little, and turned away from me. I tried to come close to him, to let him know I still loved him even though I wasn’t going to let him nurse, but he turned away from me even more roughly, pushed me away with his hand and made a grunting sound “Uh,” informing me that he didn’t want me to come any closer. As I continued to stay with him, he squirmed off the bed, still covering his eyes with his hands, and wedged himself tightly into a small corner between the night table and the bed. It was hard for me to reach him there, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. It seemed like he was feeling rejected, and I wanted to try to stay connected to him even though he was pushing me away, so I tried my best to meet him where he was at.

I got down on the floor, I sat right in front of him where he was wedged in the corner, and I put my hands over my own eyes, pretending to hide from him the way he was hiding from me. I spread my fingers just enough so I could see him a little bit without him knowing I could see him. With a scowl on his face, he eventually peeked out from behind his hands. When he did that, I peeked too, and then quickly covered my eyes again, as though I didn’t want him to see me either. He quickly covered his eyes again as well, and we both sat with our eyes covered.

After a few moments, he peeked again, I peeked too, and we both covered our eyes again. We did this a few more times. Then, after a few rounds of this, he lowered his hands away from his face, slowly walked towards me, and he opened his arms for a hug. He leaned his head against my shoulder and we embraced for a while. His body was relaxed and giving. After the hug, I held him in my lap so he could see me, I looked into his eyes and said, “I love you very much.” He looked up at me for a few moments and reached up to give me another hug. Then he looked at me and said, “Can I have some cow’s milk, mommy?” His voice was calm and relaxed.

“Yes, sweetheart. You can.”

My son is very cuddly and likes to snuggle, but he doesn’t offer hugs very often. This was a special moment for us…a true moment of connection. I couldn’t give him my milk, but I could give him my loving presence in a way that he could really take in and digest it. That moment warmed my heart, and made me feel grateful for having multiple ways of connecting with my son…not just by breastfeeding, but through loving limits, warm listening and a spirit of play.

-A Hand in Hand mother of one