Category Archives: Parenting Tools

Hand in Hand teaches Listening Tools which promote the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness. These tools are Special Time, Staylistening, Playlistening, Setting Limits and Listening Partnerships.

Staylistening Helps my Sons Share

Posted by mollybpearson in Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , ,

My three-year-old and I had a Special Time during my older son’s piano lesson.  When it ended and was time to pick my older son up, my younger son asked if he could get stickers also.  His brother gets stickers at the end of a piano lesson.  I said casually, “Okay let’s go in and ask the teacher.”

So we went inside the piano teacher’s house.  We asked and the teacher said yes.  She gave my older son a sticker, and also generously gave my younger son one, a different sticker.  But he didn’t want his.  Instead, he wanted his brother’s.  “I want that one!” he whined.

The piano teacher in her seventies told my younger son harshly, “This is your brother’s, not yours.”  Hearing this, he started crying, and fell down on the floor.  Seeing a three-year-old throw a tantrum, the piano teacher shook her head, waved her hands and told us that he was not welcome at her house anymore from then on.

Deeply embarrassed, I said good-bye to the teacher thanking her for the lesson and the stickers, took both boys out and managed to bring my crying son in my car.  I was triggered by the upset the piano teacher aimed at us so it took quite an effort stay as calm as I could.

Inside the car, I Staylistened for about 40 minutes.  My older son was waiting in his seat, peacefully, humming and tapping on an imaginary piano.  I sat in the back seat, Staylistening to my younger son as much as I could.  It became really hard for me to continue to listen a few times as I started thinking resentfully about what the piano teacher told us.  I took deep breaths now and then.  Then I went back to more Staylistening.  My younger son was frantic.  He asked, “Let’s go back and get the sticker!”  I replied, “No, we are not going to go back in.  We’ll stay here in a car for now.”  It took a long time, but he finally finished crying.

To my delight, my older son, who was sitting quietly next to us, looked up as soon as his brother finished crying, and offered a toy dinosaur, which was a special dinosaur he had received that day at school, something he would not share earlier.  It was very sweetly done and let me realize that I was not alone in my listening. My older son was also compassionately attending to my younger son’s crying.  The brothers were happy together all evening after this incident.

Later, after I had stopped the lessons from this piano teacher, I heard that there were others who had stopped too, due to her occasional harshness.

Join Keiko for her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning June 4.

Resolving My Son’s Biting

Posted by mollybpearson in Parenting, Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

My younger son (age 2-1/2) started biting when he was just over two years old.  He would bite when he and his older brother had sharing issues, or when he didn’t get his way.  He would bite really hard.  He could not assert himself against his older brother, who was three years older, more able and verbal, and biting seemed to be an impulsive response.

Resolving the biting issue was a priority over other jobs I had, and I rationed my energy and attention to deal with his new aggression. I reduced the time I spent on my household work (I did very minimum vacuum cleaning, dish washing and cooking!) to stay close by when my sons were together so I could reach in before things escalated.  I would spend five to ten minutes hanging out in the same room often during the day, or sit between them when they were playing together.

Sometimes, though, when I was in the bathroom or answering the phone, I could not stop my son from biting.  My older son would be hurt and cry frantically, and my younger would be upset, his face frozen in guilt.  I rushed to them, apologized to both that I wasn’t there.  Then I would listen to each, one at a time.  Often when I Staylistened to one, the other one would try to climb on my lap.  So I learned how to hold them both on my lap, keeping them from hurting each other.

My success rate at holding my younger son’s forehead away from my older son’s body, thus keeping him from biting increased.  I learned to read their very first signals of disconnect, like a slight change in their tone of voice or their mood, so I could prevent an attack, and I patrolled them when they came back together after a long separation.

This vigilant patrolling went on for a while.  I worked on my embarrassment, guilt, worry and anger about this challenging situation in my Listening Partnerships, which gave me an insight into the helplessness I felt in the similar situations I encountered as a child (I was bullied). My Listening Partner gave me several chances to stand up and take charge, saying the things I had no power to say as a child, and releasing the anger I’d held for so long.  It felt like rewriting my own life history.

I kept offering regular Special Time to both sons too.  In one of the Special Times with my younger son, he would bite me suddenly really hard in the midst of our happy horsy ride.  I stopped our play, offered eye contact, though his eyes didn’t meet mine, and said, “I can’t let you bite.”  He then started crying.  Again, a few more Special Time were spent on his sudden biting, my limit setting and his crying.  This led to him biting his brother less and less.

This work brought gradual change; after six months, he did not bite anymore.

Join Keiko for her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning June 4.

Special Time and the Bossy Bug

Posted by mollybpearson in Parenting, Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

My older son, who was six, was constantly on the edge for a few weeks.  He would cry, letting out his feelings on weekends, and then go back to school on Monday.  His first grade teacher told us that he would take a long time on each school task, and sometimes couldn’t finish.

I sensed his tension building up again as the week went on.  I had a clue what might be keeping him on the edge; he showed it to me during Special Time.  He would order me to run and get something really fast!  He would say, “Get it right now!  ”You are too late! Faster!”  Next, he started drawing.  He would not want me to see it, or say anything.  ”Don’t speak!  Don’t look!  Don’t touch,” he commanded.

He was utterly frustrated and tearing one sheet after another. Ordered not to speak or look, I held onto his back like a koala bear, paying attention to him from behind.  When the timer went off and he finished his drawing, he gave it to me like a gift.  It ended sweetly, but whatever it was he was going through felt really intense.

A few days later, he was bossy to his younger brother.  He was giving orders, but the next moment, stopping him from doing what he asked him do.  I went over and playfully said, “Uh oh, there is a bossy bug hiding here!” and lightly picked at my older son’s pants and shirts, pretending to hunt for the “bug” that was making him bossy.  But, he didn’t find it funny. Instead, he was upset and tried to bite my hand.

I thought that was a clear signal that he wanted me to stop him.  I stopped him and asked what was going on.  He would not answer, but struggled and cried.  As he struggled to escape from me, my elbow brushed his forehead.  He fell over in a great pain, crying hard, “That hurt!”

He didn’t want me to come near, so I stepped back a little.  I said I loved him, and would like to hear what happened. I told him he didn’t deserve whatever might have scared him, that he is a good boy and didn’t have to feel that bad. To this, my son gave out a sharp shrill kind of crying.  He then came over to my lap and cried more. I think he cried hard for 10 or 20 minutes.  Then, his attention shifted and he stopped crying.

After this, his voice changed from sassy and bossy to sweet and his face relaxed into quick smiles.  Then, he piled up pillows on our bed saying that it was for me.  There were three piles next to each other and he asked his brother and me to sit on them next to each other.  I couldn’t believe this was the same boy who didn’t want us near him, and could not be satisfied with anything half an hour ago.  He sat next to me and cuddled up sweetly.  Then, the two brothers roughhoused and played happily before going to bed.

Join Keiko to learn these tools and more for deepening your relationship with your child. There are still spaces available in her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning June 4.

Special Time Gets our Son to School

Posted by mollybpearson in Parenting, Special Time and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

My husband and I took our sons to Tokyo. We stayed with my mother and had the boys go to a Japanese preschool for three-and-a-half weeks.  It was a great language and cultural immersion and bonding time for the family.  But it was a rough start, especially for my younger son, who was almost three.

On the first day my sons went to school, my younger son was very proud despite the fact that he had jet lag and it was the longest time he’d spent away from us.  He walked from preschool back home proudly chanting, “I am not a baby.  I am not little.  I am big.”

The next several days, however, he didn’t want to go to preschool anymore. He was crying over small things; he cried when I asked him to put on his sock (usually, he is quick to dress).  He had a big cry and tantrum when I stopped him from bothering his brother.  He couldn’t put on his school uniform without crying. He couldn’t change into indoor shoes at school without crying.  He would cry that he wanted me when his preschool teacher took him inside.

I worked to offer connection through Special Time every morning when he was still in his PJs.  Funny thing — for one Special Time, he chose to dress himself in school uniform! Something he had been refusing to do for days!

I used my Listening Partnership for this emotional project, and talked with the preschool teachers about my son’s need to work through some feelings about separation. We arranged to come to school 15 minutes early to start the good-bye process, leaving room for us to listen to his feelings.  We were even considering pulling him out of school entirely, as it was so hard.

On the third morning, his dad set a limit when he threw food on the floor, and my son started struggling long and hard. He was totally upset.  My husband harnessed him in his arms and, after crying and fighting awhile, my son fell asleep.

After a two-hour nap, I went to him and I still remember him looking up at me in the eye.  He told me, “I am ready to go.”  I asked where.  He said, “To school.”

The school had only an hour left by then, but we decided to go.  I was expecting resistance when we tried to change his clothes, so I stood up to get myself ready.  To my surprise, he got ready quickly, by himself, and we went out of the door.

He almost ran to school (it’s a good 20 minute walk for a child), waved goodbye to us and used the bathroom, which had been very challenging.  He finished the day well, and was still talking proudly about his day at school as he fell asleep that night.

My son did fine in his preschool in Tokyo for the rest of our three-week stay.

Join Keiko for her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning June 4

Making Potty Training into Play Time

Posted by mollybpearson in Special Time and tagged with , , , , ,

My three-year-old was getting better at using the potty, but he would end up wetting his pants once in a while.

One day, in a supermarket while trying to get grocery shopping done quickly, he started wiggling like he needed to go potty. I asked him to use the bathroom.  He was very reluctant, acting like a dog refusing to move despite a tug of the leash.

I was tempted to try persuasion, negotiation or bribery, but decided to suggest Special Time instead.  It was a busy morning and I wanted to “fill his cup” first, even though it felt like I couldn’t afford the time.

I said, “We can play whatever you want.  We don’t have a timer, so let’s do a three-minute Special Time until that clock shows 11:45.”  He agreed very happily.

For his Special Time, he told me to be a horse, so I went down on all fours on the supermarket floor in front of the bathroom with my son on my back.  I wasn’t sure what others in the store would think of me!

But after about half a minute of horsy ride in front of the bathroom, my son announced the end of Special Time, saying, “Ring, ring, timer!  Let’s go potty!”  though his time wasn’t up yet.

And after this brief connection in play, my three-year-old went into the bathroom and used the potty successfully.

Join Certified Instructor Keiko Sato-Perry to learn these tools and more, for developing a deeper connection with your child. Her Building Emotional Understanding course begins June 4.

Beyond Breastfeeding

Posted by mollybpearson in Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

My 2-1/2-year old son was tired. It was past his nap time. As I laid him down for his nap, he looked up at me very lovingly and said, “Can I have some of your milk, mommy?” His voice was tender and sweet.

It had been about six months since I had breastfed him at naptime. We had been through this before. I told him I understood that he wanted “Mommy’s milk”, but that I didn’t have any milk for him during the day – only at night and in the morning – and I let him know he could have cow’s milk if he wanted. He asked again, even more politely, “Please can I have some of your milk, mommy?”

I came close to him and said gently, with lots of warmth in my voice, “Oh, I know you really want some of my milk right now, but I don’t have any milk for you now. You can have cow’s milk or water – your choice.”

Typically, he would give one of two responses. He would either go into a full blown emotional release, with lots of crying, kicking and screaming, in which case I would come close, stay calm, and listen with warmth and love as he told me all about how much he wanted “Mommy’s milk”. Or, he would perk up a little at the option to have cow’s milk or water, and he would be content with that. However, on this particular occasion his response was different.

He quickly covered his eyes with his hands, whined a little, and turned away from me. I tried to come close to him, to let him know I still loved him even though I wasn’t going to let him nurse, but he turned away from me even more roughly, pushed me away with his hand and made a grunting sound “Uh,” informing me that he didn’t want me to come any closer. As I continued to stay with him, he squirmed off the bed, still covering his eyes with his hands, and wedged himself tightly into a small corner between the night table and the bed. It was hard for me to reach him there, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. It seemed like he was feeling rejected, and I wanted to try to stay connected to him even though he was pushing me away, so I tried my best to meet him where he was at.

I got down on the floor, I sat right in front of him where he was wedged in the corner, and I put my hands over my own eyes, pretending to hide from him the way he was hiding from me. I spread my fingers just enough so I could see him a little bit without him knowing I could see him. With a scowl on his face, he eventually peeked out from behind his hands. When he did that, I peeked too, and then quickly covered my eyes again, as though I didn’t want him to see me either. He quickly covered his eyes again as well, and we both sat with our eyes covered.

After a few moments, he peeked again, I peeked too, and we both covered our eyes again. We did this a few more times. Then, after a few rounds of this, he lowered his hands away from his face, slowly walked towards me, and he opened his arms for a hug. He leaned his head against my shoulder and we embraced for a while. His body was relaxed and giving. After the hug, I held him in my lap so he could see me, I looked into his eyes and said, “I love you very much.” He looked up at me for a few moments and reached up to give me another hug. Then he looked at me and said, “Can I have some cow’s milk, mommy?” His voice was calm and relaxed.

“Yes, sweetheart. You can.”

My son is very cuddly and likes to snuggle, but he doesn’t offer hugs very often. This was a special moment for us…a true moment of connection. I couldn’t give him my milk, but I could give him my loving presence in a way that he could really take in and digest it. That moment warmed my heart, and made me feel grateful for having multiple ways of connecting with my son…not just by breastfeeding, but through loving limits, warm listening and a spirit of play.

-A Hand in Hand mother of one

100 Kisses

Posted by mollybpearson in Playlistening and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

My teen was home from college for her first short visit and I wanted to connect with her in a close way. I knew she was in the process of learning to be independent, and I wanted to respect her freedom and the personal growth she had achieved. I had read about giving 100 kisses to your child as a way to playfully connect and show her how much you love her.  So I thought I would try doing this.

My daughter was sitting on the couch and looked a little lost, being home for the first time. I snuck up behind her and kissed her forehead while counting to ten. She started to smile and said, “What the heck?” I told her I missed her so much that I had 100 kisses stored up for her and I was going to try to sneak all 100 in before she went back to college. I then gave her 10 more and said, “Whew, that is 20!” She started laughing and I could see her relax and start to settle into being home.

As the weekend progressed, I continued to surprise her with 10 kisses on the shoulder, 10 kisses on the hand, 10 kisses on the leg. I don’t think I ended up completing the whole 100 kisses, but it didn’t matter. What it did do was give me an opportunity to show her she was loved and missed. She was able to relax, and it gave us an opportunity to talk about how different her life was at college than at home.  She opened up about what her days were like, and what was happening with her friends and her classes.

Being playful helped me as much as it did her. I desperately wanted to make her feel comfortable being home, and didn’t know quite how. By being playful, I was able to tell her how much I loved her, get close to her and still respect her freedom. I played the “silly mom” role and was rewarded with laughter, closeness and respect.

Helping my Son’s Friend “Unroll” his Feelings

Posted by mollybpearson in Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , ,

My 3-year old son and his slightly younger friend had a play date at our house. There was a bowl with a snack roll in it made of grains and fruit. Frank picked a muesli roll, as he was hungry. My son wanted to follow his lead and picked what happened to be the last oat roll.

At that moment, Frank decided that he wanted to have that oat roll and tried to grab it out of my son’s hand. My son escaped to the opposite side of the table. Frank got very upset and started a tantrum. I came to the table not knowing what had happened. I just observed that Frank was trying to get out of his mom’s lap in order to get across the table to secure the roll that was in my son’s hand. I asked, “Did he take your roll?” Frank continued to rage.  His mother said that that was actually not the case.

I decided to listen. Luckily, my son did not start eating his roll. We listened. Frank continued to rage. His mom and I reassured Frank that we were hearing what he wanted and that we would find a solution to the problem. Frank was so loudly expressing his emotions that we just got a reassuring sentence in about every 3 minutes or so. We mainly demonstrated our confidence with our facial expressions and with eye contact.

After about 10 minutes, Frank dragged his mom to my son and me on the other side of the table. My son was still holding his roll. His mom loosely bear-hugged Frank so that he could not grab the roll out of my son’s hand. She also did a wonderful job gently keeping him from touching her breasts, which Frank tends to do to distract himself from his emotions.

My son asked if he could eat the roll and I responded, “Please wait until Frank is finished and then we can discuss the best solution.” Frank was getting more and more into his rage. He sweated a lot, and was fighting with his entire body. His mom also started to cry and I put my hand on her back to express my support. I said to Frank, “It’s good that you want it,” and at some later point, “You might get it.” At some point my son offered Frank a bite of his roll. This made Frank even more upset. We kept listening. I again asked my son to please wait with eating the roll until Frank was done and we could all discuss the situation.

After about what seemed like almost half an hour, Frank slowed down and said that he wanted to talk about it. I asked him if he had a solution. He replied, “Yes, I want the roll.” I asked my son if that was okay with him, and he responded that it was not.  When I asked my son for his solution, he replied that he wanted to eat his roll by himself. I asked if I could make a suggestion, and Frank said no, but that his mom could. His mom suggested that they each could have a half a roll, but Frank did not want that.

Then I suggested that I could check in the kitchen if there were any additional oat rolls. Frank was okay with that idea. I went into the kitchen and came back with a few more muesli rolls but no more oat rolls. Frank said that he would pick one of the other muesli rolls. I double-checked with him if that meant that Luca could eat the oat roll, and Frank confirmed that that worked for him.

Frank and my son spent about 2 more hours after that incident together and had the best time playing together, resolving any upcoming conflicts between themselves without needing our assistance.  It was wonderful to observe.

-A Hand in Hand mother of two

Listening Our Way to Cooperation

Posted by mollybpearson in Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

There was a five-year-old boy in my Kindergarten group who had been giving little signs of distress for a few days, showing that he was not relaxed. He threw a few toys, hit a few children and showed misbehavior at circle time. He didn’t throw hard or hit hard, but I could feel he did not feel good.

One morning when we were in the corridor, dressing up to go outside, he started swirling his jacket around, hitting a few children by doing so. I took him back into our classroom and told him that we would sit down and wait until there was more room for us to put our coats on. I was actually using this situation to help him to work on his feelings. I was quite sure he wouldn’t like the idea of waiting, and he demonstrated that strongly by trying to run back into the corridor.

I held him back, telling him gently that we would soon go, when there was more room for us there, and he started to cry hard. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he tried to run away. After five minutes, he kept on crying, but stopped trying to get away, now fully absorbed by the tensions he was working on. After another ten minutes, he cried more softly, and gently laid his head on my shoulder.

After a few more minutes, he was ready to go back into the corridor. As I opened the door to the corridor, we saw that the children’s shoes that had been left there had shed a lot of dirt, which was lying on the floor. He wanted to clean it all up and make everything look nice. He was smiling joyfully, dressing himself calmly, talking and being so very cooperative.

What a change! I was proud of him, and of myself. During the whole session, I never doubted that we would come to a happy end, and I was comfortable with listening to him the whole time. What a good morning!

–a mother of four and Kindergarten director in France.

Staylistening and the Twinkle Bug

Posted by mollybpearson in Staylistening and tagged with , , , , , , ,

My husband was putting my daughter to sleep at bedtime when she realized she had left her lovey, “Twinkle Bug,” at her girlfriend’s house after a sleepover.  She started to freak out, screaming, “I cannot go to sleep without her! I will never be able to sleep without Twinkle Bug!

My husband responded by offering solutions, “Is there another animal we could look for? To cuddle with?” “No! No! No,” she insisted. I knew that she could sleep without this bug so I moved in and just listened. She cried and cried about the bug, wishing she had remembered to bring it home, or that I had remembered to ask her friend’s mom to bring it to school.

“I will never be able to sleep without her,” she screamed again, kicking and thrashing and finally sobbing. I told her throughout her rage and sadness, “I know you can sleep without her. I know this is hard and I know you can sleep without her.”

When she seemed calm I sang the song that the bug sings quietly in her ear as she yawned and sighed and yawned and drifted off to sleep. I know that in the past, we have been harsher toward her and her feelings. “You never needed that bug to sleep before you noticed your friend had attachments to things that help her sleep. Why do you need it now? You don’t need it to sleep! You are tired.”

I am very happy to say that none of those things even crossed my mind until I reflected here while writing this down. The next night, my daughter still did not have her Twinkle Bug. I was thinking, “Oh no! Bad Mommy! Not again!” But my daughter just asked where the Rainbow Puppy was, then asked, “He was yours when you were little, right, Mom?” When I said “Yes,” she happily climbed in bed, tucked Rainbow Puppy under her arm and went to sleep easily.

It’s now a week later, and we still have not remembered to get Twinkle Bug from our friend! What’s more, she shared her problem and strategy with her teacher at school, proud that she had slept without the bug and happy to have Mommy’s Rainbow Puppy to sleep with.

–a parent in Louisville, Colorado