Category Archives: Parenting

Getting the Support You Need to Resolve Sleep Issues

One of the mothers in my ongoing support group has a 2-year-old daughter who had a really hard time falling asleep. This is her story:

Ever since our sweet little daughter was an infant we had to help her fall asleep, which meant sitting by her bed side for two hours (every night!), patting her head and back, giving her water, and feeling like we were there against our will. This bedtime routine was usually followed by her waking frequently and demanding our presence during the night as well.

Ever since she was a baby our daughter has been going through many different medical procedures that have made her life and ours pretty challenging. And I kept feeling that as her mother I could not cause her additional pain and frustration. Watching her cry for a long time in bed was hard for me to handle, and this was keeping me from doing what I needed and knew I should do.

For a few months I was working on this issue in my listening time in our support group. And then I felt like we were ready to move forward and bring some change. It took both my husband and me to be there with our daughter and our older son. We started by telling them over dinner: “Tonight we are going to try something different at bedtime, something that would help you sleep better in your bed without mommy and daddy staying in the room the whole time”. Then after taking a shower, both kids got to do some Playlistening (5 min. for each child and parent), then there were some more stories and a few songs, followed by a hug and a kiss. And then we suggested that we were going to go to the other room and fold the laundry.

The first few nights this suggestion was not really accepted (as can be expected…) and there was a lot of moving around and going in and out of the room. Some nights there was crying and resistance to our leaving the room. At that stage, I generally tried to stay as close as possible to allow the crying to flow and to reassure her, saying, “Mommy loves you” and “Mommy will always keep you safe, even when she’s in the other room”. Gradually, I had to go farther away from her to allow her feelings to pour out until the crying subsided and I could leave the room. I always had to keep the “right distance” for the feelings to come out, because if I came too close than the crying would stop and then she couldn’t fall asleep without me.

During this process I had a lot of feelings of my own including uneasiness and fear about what this process was going to look like and for how long it would last. How much more crying would we have to face? I was getting a lot of help and support from my husband as well as my Listening Partners.

After a week or so there was no crying (!) at bedtime, but there were still some difficulties in falling asleep. What I tried to do then was to stand at the doorway and tell her some reassuring words and leave again. After a few days you could tell by the look in her eyes that her bed felt like a safe place to her, and she wouldn’t want to get out of it.

Today, a month after we started this process, my daughter falls asleep quietly and happily, and the quality of her sleep has improved significantly. She wakes up very relaxed and does not cry as she used to before.

This whole process helped me and my partner enjoy our evening once again, but on top of that, we feel empowered in our ability to make changes in our family and move things forward. It reminded us that our role as parents is to lead our family and not get “trapped” by our kids’ behavior.

As for me, I feel that helping my daughter through this hurdle has allowed me to finally see her clearly with joy and vitality, without any filter of anger, guilt, or the need to go easy on her to compensate for the medical procedures she has had to go through. All I can see now is how proud I am of her and how much I love and admire her.

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart (as well as the three other hearts in my family) on this precious support that we are getting from you and from the support group you’re leading. This has made this whole process so doable, sensitive, and real. And thank you to all the moms in the group who are also a big part of this great gift!

- Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Israel

Move your family forward and bring some closeness and happiness in your relationships by joining Certified Instructor Ravid Aisenman Abrahmsohn in one of her classes / support groups:

Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn

1) Building Emotional Understanding Online starting March 13. Register now.

2) Ongoing Support group calls.  Register now.

How I Got My Daughter to Give Up the Pacifier and Settle in to Deeper Sleep

My daughter Leah was an extremely agitated infant who slept very poorly. Our pediatrician assured us that the problem was not a medical one, but we never fully understood what had her so upset and out of sorts.

By the time she was three months old, my entire life was focused on helping her get some good sleep. I hired two sleep consultants, read every book on sleep available, but found no answers or magic cures. What I knew I could not do was leave her alone to “cry it out”. Instinctively I knew she was struggling with something that she needed my help with and I couldn’t bring myself to leave her alone.

So… I spent hours a day sitting in a rocking chair in a darkened room with her in my arms. Blackout shades and a sound machine made our bedroom a sleeping haven (at least it seemed that way to me!), but she could not succumb easily to sleep and could not stay asleep for more than ten minutes without my arms around her.  I had found that sucking appeased her quite well, and I had allowed her to grow accustomed to nursing or taking a bottle, and eventually sucking on a pacifier to stay asleep. The problem was that she couldn’t stay asleep unless something was in her mouth to suck on. I had to stay with her and keep the pacifier in her mouth or it would fall out and she’d wake and cry until I put it back in.

I knew the pacifier—and the need to suck in order to fall asleep and stay asleep—was a habit I had allowed her to develop, and that the only way she was ever going to be able to sleep deeply and independently, was if I helped her give up the pacifier. I tried some different methods I had read about—gentle ways to help a baby “ease off” the nipple so as not to require it for sleep, but the methods never seemed to work.

Around this time I learned about lovingly listening to babies cry by reading Althea Solter’s book, The Aware Baby. It reminded me that years before I had been introduced to Patty Wipfler’s approach to helping children with their feelings, and so I looked her up. I found that not only was Patty still working with parents and children, but she was starting a Building Emotional Understanding class for parents the very next week, and only a mile from my home! The class was when I learned about “stay listening” and got the support I needed to be able to listen to my daughter’s deep feelings.

I realized right away that I needed to help my daughter with the feelings that were being held in place by the pacifier. One night when we were doing our bedtime routine (bath, bottle, pacifier and rocking in the rocking chair), I told her after she finished her bottle that I wasn’t going to give her the pacifier anymore but that I would stay right with her while she had her feelings. That first time, holding her little body in my arms while she thrashed and cried, arching her back, turning all red, sweating profusely, and screaming in what sounded like agony—this was the hardest thing I’d done as a parent (even harder than giving birth!). Tears streamed down my face while I held her in my arms, offering her eye contact, and telling her gently but with conviction that she was safe, and that I wouldn’t leave until she felt peaceful. That night I listened for an excruciating hour and a half. When she was done crying, her body relaxed and she slept more deeply than she ever had.

The next night, and for three more nights after that, I listened lovingly to my daughter cry for forty-five minutes before she could sleep. It was still quite hard for me and I needed to cry afterward in order to recover myself from the experience.  But her sleep was improving—she could now stay asleep for a two-hour stretch (at night) all alone and without sucking on anything! It felt like a miracle. And knowing that I had found a way to help my daughter made me feel much, much better about myself as a parent. For the first time I felt the sweet confidence that my love and attention could indeed make a huge difference for my child.

After that, Leah would still cry in my arms before falling asleep, but her cries were much shorter and far less intense. Leah’s dad started taking turns to put her to bed. He agreed to listen to her in the way I had learned: offering eye contact and speaking to her gently. We noticed that when he put her down she would cry intensely again for long stretches—sometimes for a half an hour or more. This was interesting since she didn’t cry as much with me anymore. We realized that there were feelings she could get at with her dad that she was unable to reach with me because my body had become a sort of “comfort” that soothed her away from her feelings. During these times of listening, Leah and her father began to develop a deep bond that they both enjoy to this day—deeper than what I’ve seen many children get to have with their fathers.

Sleep continued to be an area of challenge for us as a family, but taking away Leah’s pacifier and listening to her cry those first times was a dramatic turning point in our steps toward improved sleep. We still had a long road to go, and many hours of listening, but her sleep continued to improve as we listened through her upsets. In addition to improved sleep, through the listening, my daughter became more relaxed and content as a baby. With our help she was able to “off loaded” a pile of fear that had had her in its grips in those early months.

Today Leah is almost three and a half. She is full of bold Leah-ness: a confident, adventurous, loving child who is delightfully and delightedly herself.  She also—gratefully—sleeps a deep twelve hours almost every night!

Join Certified Instructor Angela Jernigan in one of her classes:

1) “Tears and Tantrums” class, beginning March 16. More information available here.

2) Building Emotional Understanding class, beginning March 27. More information available here.

3) Professionals Intensive course, beginning March 29.  More information available here.

Silencing Myself Opened My Son Up More Than Ever

My son and I had special time once a week for many years.  He always wanted to do the same thing–go to the mall.  We would play at the arcade, have an ice cream and come home.  It seemed I was always struggling to get him to tell me more about his thoughts and feelings.  I had some success, but not as much as I wanted, and chalked this up to him being a boy.

One week, a good friend of mine died and I decided to not speak for a few days. I told my son that we could go to the mall and have our special time if he wanted, but I would not speak.  He said OK that he wanted to go anyway.  We began the drive and about 5 minutes down the road, he began to talk to me about pretty deep stuff.  Like how he felt when his brother was born, and what he thinks about god and other people’s ideas about religion.  He told me how he struggled when his father and I separated but now how he has worked it out so it is ok.  He talked about school, friends, teachers, in great detail.  I said nothing.

We cruised the mall, he did not want to play games, we just walked and he talked in a really relaxed way.  We drove home with him talking and when we got home he asked me not to get out of the car yet.  He talked another 20 minutes and then kissed me goodnight and said he was tired.  I sat in the car alone after he left, quite stunned and realized that the only thing different this week was me. I did not encourage, lead, explain, teach, guide, criticize him in any way and he was able to pour his mind out in an easy stream of talking about his life and his world.

Now that he is an adult, we often laugh about that time and sometimes when he feels I am not listening he will remind me of that night and it is our signal for me to just listen.

-Certified Instructor Emmy Rainwalker

Emmy Rainwalker

Join Emmy’s Building Emotional Understanding Online starting March 18. Register now.

From Failing to Flinging: How Throwing Books Helped My Son Pass Math

When my son was in college, he called me to tell me that he was dropping out of his math class because he did not understand it anymore and was going to fail. He said he would rather have an incomplete than a fail.  I said, “How about neither?” and told him I would be there soon.  I drove the hour to his dorm room, and by now he was really mad at me for not just accepting his decision.

I said he wasn’t dropping the class or failing the class.  He asked me (sarcastically) how I was going to do that?  I told him I was not sure yet, but asked him to get the book with the material he did not understand.  He got the book and I asked him to open it to the assignment that had him confused.  With great exasperation, he did. I told him to read it to me.
He said, “Why, do you understand it?”  I said no, but I didn’t need to because it wasn’t my class, but that I knew he was smart enough to understand it.  He read it with more exasperation and I took the book and threw it across the room saying, “I can’t believe how stupid you are!” to the book.  He was surprised and laughed a bit.  I got the book and asked him to read it again. He did and I suggested he throw the book.  We kept getting the “stupid” book and throwing it and laughing and each time he read the part he did not understand.  He said that I was pretty ridiculous to think this was a good idea. In fact, I was pretty sure this would not work and that it was rather foolish, but I was not willing to give up yet.

Finally, he read the passage again and said, “Oh, I think I see what this means.” He said it in a very calm and quiet voice and I was not sure I heard it right.  I just stayed quiet and he picked up his notebook and began to work out the problems.  He hardly noticed when I said I had to leave because he was so engrossed in the subject.  He did pass the course.

- Certified Instructor Emmy Rainwalker

Emmy Rainwalker

Join in Emmy’s class, Building Emotional Understanding Online starting March 18.
Register now.

My Daughter’s World Becomes Safer

My daughter, who is almost four, has had a fear of black people since she was a baby. I first became aware of this when she was about nine months old and my wonderful black African hairdresser walked into the house and my daughter started screaming.

I was surprised, as this wasn’t a normal reaction, and I didn’t realise it had anything to do with her colour at the time. It became obvious later on, when she started to cry every time she saw a black person, including a friend’s boy friend, who we happened to go on holiday with. The whole time, my daughter was very wary of him. By the time she got to the age of three and was still terrified every time our hairdresser came to cut our hair, I realised it was time to take some action. We live in a very white town where few black people live, so there wasn’t much opportunity to work with this issue.

I suggested to my daughter that the next time my hairdresser came to cut my hair she could also cut her hair. She said, “OK, maybe,” but she also said that she didn’t like Sheena, which she has said many times before. I also did some role-playing, using her dolls around being scared of black people.

My daughter was fine until the moment the doorbell rang, and then she hid in the
corner of the room and cowered in fear. I went to let Sheena in whilst my daughter stayed with her Dad. When my daughter heard her enter the house she started to cry and immediately went upstairs to get away. I asked her Dad to keep setting the limit with her, saying, “OK, let’s go down stairs and say hello to Sheena now,” and then to listen to her feelings, but not forcing her to come down.

Whilst I was having my haircut downstairs, I could hear my daughter screaming and crying on and off. When my hair had been cut, I went upstairs to see her. She had spent the whole time crying in her Daddy’s arms with her Daddy encouraging her to come downstairs and say hello, and then listening to her cry, and reassuring her that she was safe and that Sheena is a lovely person and nothing bad was going to happen.

I asked my daughter if she wanted to come down and say goodbye to Sheena because she was about to leave. She said she wanted to. She came downstairs and Sheena was very friendly and playful with her. Although my daughter was trembling a little, she interacted with Sheena, and it was very sweet. They were talking about what my daughter was going to be cooking in her play kitchen, and she told Sheena she would make her some food next time she came round. They also talked about her new doll that she had got for Christmas. This went on for a few minutes before Sheena had to leave.

Once she had left, my daughter said that she liked Sheena, and then she said that she loved Sheena and began to plan for the next time she came round. She said she would stay downstairs the whole time whilst Sheena was here and play with her.

I was so happy, because this had been an issue for so long and by using the Hand In Hand tool of Staylistening, which is simply listening to a child’s feelings rather than distracting her or trying other ways of getting her to stop crying. It allowed my daughter to move through her fear and feel brave enough to come downstairs and interact with someone who she had been very scared of for a long time. My daughter was totally elated after this incident and felt great! And I’m really looking forward to getting my hair cut again!

-S. Parker, England

Listening Helps When Things Get Gummy

My son and I had an outing  where we went to the store together to get the week’s groceries.   We have done this from the time he was born, and as he got older, he participated more frequently in the choices of what to buy. He was quite protected from the world of sugar at home and did not watch TV, so we seldom had a disagreement about what to buy.

When he was almost 4, his baby brother was born and we decided to take him along.  Everything went well until we got to the checkout line and he asked for gum.  I said no and he began to have a full blown tantrum,  I was completely overwhelmed with the baby, the groceries and him.  So I bought the gum.  All the way home, I kept saying to myself, “You are being controlled by a child!  This can only get worse.”

I consulted with a friend and we agreed that she would come with me the following week on our grocery trip and I would try to Set the Limit and Staylisten.

All went well until the checkout.  He demanded gum and when I said no, he pushed his little fingers into the spaces on the wire display rack where the gum was– right at his eye level.  My friend took the baby and handled the groceries and after peeling his fingers out carefully one by one with him screaming the whole time, I took him aside and got on the floor with him.  I had to hold him so he would not hurt me as he flailed.  I wrapped myself around him and had my face near his ear.  I told him we were not going to get gum and that I could see he was pretty mad.  I struggled to figure out what to say (and not say), and resisted the temptation to “explain” why.  I said things like, “You really like gum, and are very disappointed.”  He kicked and screamed for about 20 minutes.  Meanwhile, my friend was engaged in very lively conversations with people in the store, explaining what we were doing.  I could hear them off in the distance, some people laughing, some angry.  Finally I said something about things being different now with a baby brother and he cried hard, saying that I loved the baby more than I loved him.  I calmly said that I loved him as much as ever and was so proud of him.

He finally fell asleep in my arms, and I carried him to the car.  He woke up happy. I took as much time that week as I could to reassure him that he was not being replaced. My friend encouraged me to say all the things I did  not say to him in the store, the explanations and my own internal exasperation, in our Listening Partnership time, and I said some ugly and mean things. We laughed at how terrible it would have been if I had said them and how much more complicated everything would have gotten, especially his feelings about his brother.

The next week we went again, with the baby.  He asked for gum at the checkout.  I said no.  He said, “Phooey!” and that was that.  I was prepared to Staylisten again, but was glad I did not have to.

-Certified Instructor, Emmy Rainwalker

- Join Certified Instructor Emmy Rainwalker in one of her classes / teleseminars:

Emmy Rainwalker

1) Teleseminar “Staying Close to Our Sons” on Tuesday, March 5.  Register now.

2) Building Emotional Understanding Online starting March 18. Register now.

Intense Emotions and Solid Engagement – With the Magic Number Fifteen

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of hanging out (aka Special Time) turned out to be the magic formula for my then fifteen-year old daughter on this particular Sunday evening.

My daughter was in a crabby mood. She had just started a class in political science at the local community college, having signed up for it because she cares deeply about social and environmental justice. But the thought of having to do homework must have been nagging her and weighing her down. In the afternoon she had sung with her choir group in a wonderful performance and the music was still reverberating in her mind (and mine). There was no space in her mind to focus on homework. Yet, it had to be done. She had to read her textbook and then do an online quiz.

Finally, she started reading the required material. And then it happened. The tears started pouring down. The material in the textbook had moved her and allowed her to release her pent-up emotions. All of the crabbiness was a layer that eventually gave way to real feelings that had been waiting to come out. She was convinced that nothing anyone could do on this planet could ever set right all the wrongs done by humanity, both to humanity in general and to the planet at large. “Human beings have destroyed this planet. The rich get richer. How can they be so greedy? How can they do this knowing that so many people are suffering? Why are they destroying everything around them and the human race itself?”

There were intense emotions. It all came pouring out. It was now late in the night and I was tired. She needed to wake up very early the next day for another class. I was feeling the pressure of her needing to get some sleep. But I knew from past experience that if I focused on her sleep rather than on her feelings, then neither would get addressed! So, despite my own tiredness, I fortunately managed to listen to her feelings. I didn’t tell her that things would get better, which I sometimes do. Instead of reassuring her, I simply gave her my full attention with love, just listened to her, and shared the sorrow about the amount of injustice in the world. I found myself crying too, though I didn’t want her to be distracted by my tears. Thank goodness my tears didn’t seem to interfere with her emotional process. Perhaps she even found it supportive to know that I felt the injustice too.

After about fifteen minutes of this, when I asked if she wanted to go out and get some fresh air, she came out willingly. Although I had suggested the idea, the rest of the time definitely felt like Special Time, because I let her direct the walk around the neighborhood. The air was cool and invigorating. She noticed a tree that neither of us had noticed before that had fruit that neither of us recognized. She skipped with a lighthearted gait. I just enjoyed watching her and being with her. She noticed a little toddler going for a walk with her mother. We were both captivated by the daughter’s cute and determined footsteps, so we crossed the street to say Hi. And I delighted in how my daughter interacted with the toddler. Apparently the mother had tried all sorts of ways to get her daughter to eat her dinner, but had finally resorted to taking her for a walk while trying to feed her at the same time! We soon continued on our walk. There was more light-hearted skipping and talking. For a short while, my daughter’s mood shifted again and became a bit heavy, but she shook it off. The outside air sure did help with that. And after fifteen minutes of walking, we were back home again.

Shortly after that she took a quick shower and came back down to finish reading the assigned chapters in the book. She asked me about Ponzi schemes, hedge funds, and other economic and financial matters mentioned in her textbook. I was pleased that her mind was re-engaging in the material and gladly discussed it all with her. Now that she had managed to release those yucky feelings, she was finally able to think straight! Soon she disappeared into her room again to finish reading the text. She came down shortly after that again and told me confidently that she was ready to take the assigned online quiz. It took her fifteen minutes to do the quiz and she aced it!  She felt so pleased with herself and I was so glad for that.

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of Special Time. That was the magic formula for that day!

Of course, she still needed to wake up very early the next morning and I worried that she was not getting enough sleep. But she went to bed with a clear mind and a light heart. And I couldn’t have been more pleased about that!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Helping My Daughter Move to Her Own Bed

(C) 2007 Carla Peroni

(C) 2007 Carla Peroni

When my daughter was around two, I was ready for her to move to her own bed. I wanted the transition to be as easy as possible for her, so I thought naptime, instead of bedtime, would be the best way to slowly introduce this idea.

However, when I told her she would be napping in her bed, instead of in mommy and daddy’s bed, she began crying, yelling and fighting the idea. Not what I was expecting! I gently told her that I would stay and nap with her. This didn’t ease her fears and her crying intensified.

I was still pretty new to Staylistening at this time and began to have doubts about transitioning her to her own bed because her reaction was so intense. I had to remind myself it was a safe situation, we were only napping in a different bed.

I also reminded myself that she never had a problem sleeping in other beds, like at a relative’s house or in a hotel while traveling. So, whatever her feeling was, it wasn’t about the current situation. It seemed the feeling was some deeper fear that needed to come out before she would feel okay in her own bed whether it was day or night.

I listened as she cried and fought saying she could not, and would not, sleep in her own bed. I offered gentle reassurance that I really thought it was okay to nap in her bed and reminded her that I would stay with her. We stayed on the bed together while she showed me how hard it was to even think about this change. Then, when she tired of crying she fell asleep in her bed.

This repeated the next two days. I’d tell her we were going to nap in her bed and then she’d scream and cry that she couldn’t do it. I kept holding out the idea that it was a good place to sleep. On the fourth day, success, she easily napped in her own bed like it had never been a problem.

After working so hard on both our parts, her showing me how hard it was to make the change and me listening and creating a safe space for her to be able to release her fears, I decided to hold off on the nighttime transition for awhile.

But my daughter had other plans, exactly a week later, at bedtime, she said she wanted to start sleeping in her own bed at night too. And she did! It was tough listening those three days, but so worth it for both of us. And I’m so glad she was able to initiate the nighttime transition when she was ready.

~ Michelle Pate, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her in her upcoming BEU class starting March 14th  where you will learn the listening skills, and get the support you need, to help your family through any transition. You can also connect with Michelle on Facebook.

Setting Limits Around Sleep Struggles

The night before last, my three-year-old, awoke at 4:30am crying and very kung fu pandascared. He kept asking, “Is someone gonna come?” He had watched Kung Fu Panda with us earlier that day, a movie that he’s seen many times and likes, but this time it seemed to get to him – at least subconsciously.

I had gone to sleep very early, and actually wasn’t so tired when he awoke. Something similar had happened about a month earlier where after watching something that didn’t seem to scare him in the moment, he awoke scared in the night. It was a week where I was not rested, so when he woke up and came to our bed, I just cuddled him up and we both fell instantly back asleep.

The problem was that this went on for several days, and I was starting to feel resentful – not to mention exhausted. And my husband was moaning about how he was falling off the side of the bed. All in all, this “solution” was not working for 3/5 of the household.

So, the night before last seemed the perfect night to put my limit setting to the test. When my son woke up and wanted to come to our bed, I said in a loving tone, “No. I’m going to go sleep with Dad, and you are going to stay here in bed with your older brother.”

The terror and tears came flowing out. “No! I want you to stay with me all night!” I tried laying him down in bed and laying across the bottom of the bed, holding his hand. This quieted him, but no matter how long I waited before gently removing my hand from his grip, he would sit bolt upright, call my name, and grab for my hand. I realized this was not going to get me anywhere. A couple of times, I did “escape”, but no more than a minute later, he would show up at my bedside again wanting to sleep with us. I took him back to his bed and repeated that he was going to sleep in his bed and me in mine, and, again, the tears flowed.

I sat on the edge of his and his brother’s bed and held him as he screamed and cried that he wanted to sleep with me. Then he quieted down and explained very creatively that I should get in bed with his brother and that he would go sleep with Dad. Uh, nice try! Again, I set the limit and he cried and screamed. He actually woke my 7-year-old in the bed next to us (and my kids don’t usually wake for anything), and he was very sweet. He said, “He can come sleep with me.” But the youngest would have nothing of it.

I just kept holding him and he kept crying and screaming for a whopping two hours. At 6:30am he fell asleep in my arms, I laid him in his bed, and went back to sleep. I felt great knowing that he had been able to shed all that fear, and even greater when last night he slept right through as he usually does!
Tosha Schore~ Tosha Schore is a Certified Parenting by Connection instructor in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can join Tosha for her next Online Parenting Class, Building Emotional Understanding.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Staylistening with a Six-Month-Old Twin

I have a friend who has twin girls. Ever since they were born one of the twins (the second to be born) was labeled the more difficult one. She cried more than her twin sister, she ate less, and was not very easy to please. When they were about six months old, I was visiting the family, and when I held each of the girls in my arms, I could clearly see the difference in the way each of them looked at me. The older twin could look straight into my eyes and drink in my gaze, whereas her sister hardly made eye contact with me at all, and kept moving her gaze from one point to the other. I could tell that she was upset and stressed.

When it was time for her to sleep I volunteered to settle her, and she was clearly not going to fall asleep easily. I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to listen to her, and see if it would help to support her as she cried some of her upsets away. I showed her the bed, and she cried when she figured out that a nap was expected. As she cried, I listened and reassured her. 

Her mother soon came to try and sooth her with a bottle, then a pacifier, but she was not hungry and refused these distractions. I held her in my arms, offered gentle eye contact, and  told her, phrase by phrase, “You’re safe now. It’s O.K. I’m going to be here with you. You are a wonderful girl.” I wasn’t doing a lot of talking. Mostly, I held her gently, looked at her warmly and lovingly, and let her do the rest. She cried really hard, perspired, arched her back, and tightened her little muscles as she moved. I made sure that her mom came to the room off and on so her daughter could see that Mommy was still there. She kept crying hard like this for 30 minutes, and then for 10 more minutes she cried hard in spurts. She would calm down, and then cry a little bit more. At the end of those 40 minutes she fell asleep. I had to leave before she woke up.

My friend, the mother of the twins, called me later that evening to tell me in astonishment about the remarkable change she noticed in her younger twin’s behavior. She was very calm, smiled often (which she would rarely do before), and was mostly content. In the next few days, she was exceptionally responsive to everyone around her, including her twin sister, who had been constantly trying, unsuccessfully, to connect with her sister before.

My use of the listening tools started when my girls were 5 and 9, so I didn’t get to offer them Staylistening support when they were babies. I was really excited to see how this tool worked so beautifully with an infant. Although I’ve heard about it before, it was fascinating to notice that she needed someone to listen to her and then, to see the results for myself. 

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.