Category Archives: Parenting

Setting Limits Around Buying Stuff

We had all been excited about watching the Olympic torch run past our house. My 6-year-old son had been particularly excited about it, as he had been working on the Olympics at his school and was interested in the topic. He was keen to get out onto the road and was concerned we might miss it. We were on the pavement with half an hour to spare, waiting for the Olympic torch to run by us. My son waited with some excitement and a little concern that he wouldn’t see what was happening. Crowds were growing, but we had a good spot with a wall to sit on so we could see what was happening. Finally the torchbearer ran by as we clapped and waved.

After the runner ran past, my son and 8-year-old daughter wanted to run along with the torch for a bit. I followed them and when I caught up with them, my son began asking me repeatedly for some Olympic merchandise that other children were waving and wearing – a fake gold medal and a green ribbon on a stick to wave. I had bought them a flag each to wave when we’d first gotten to the road and didn’t have the money or inclination to buy more. Also, I’ve noticed that this is a pattern for my son to always want to buy something more. I guessed that if I bought some more stuff it would end up on the floor in the evening, and I would feel some resentment.

So I set a limit kindly. I got down to his eye level and kindly said, “No, we’re not buying any more Olympic things now.” By now we were in a pedestrian mall. My sister was with us and could go ahead with my daughter, so I asked if we could catch up with them in a bit and I stayed with my son, who had jammed himself against the doorway of a sports shop filled with Olympic mascots.

He started to get angry and said he would bite me if I didn’t buy something for him.  I was a bit surprised by his vehemence but said I wouldn’t let him hurt me. He tried to kick out at me so I gently held his leg and said I wouldn’t let him hurt me. He kept asking for me to buy him something, and that I had to buy him something. I gently said I wasn’t going to buy any other Olympic things today. As we stayed there together and I repeated the limit kindly, his anger turned into tears and he said he wanted something he could keep forever.

I really heard him on this. I could empathise with his feelings of excitement, and then the disappointment as it was all over so quickly. It also sounded to me like the urge to buy something was covering up some deeper feelings of loss. I felt a lot of empathy with him at this point. I had struggled with the anger, but had been able to keep calm and loving as I was consciously practicing bringing a loving limit, trusting that it would be useful to him longer term than a piece of Olympic junk that would be forgotten or broken by the next day. He cried and I stayed with him, listening. In time, he was ready to go and join the others. As we joined the others he was in a cheerful mood.

That evening I went to a yoga class and said goodbye to him with a warm hug and a kiss and let him know that I’d be back later on. He followed me downstairs and wanted to give me another hug and blew me lots of kisses and waved as I left. I felt his warmth and affection and thought of what I had read in Patty’s writing, how even when your warm attention does not seem to be “going in,” it will leave an impression. In my son’s warm, affectionate goodbye I felt a connection that had been built between us by setting the limit, and holding it lovingly. I get a sense this was just the beginning of an emotional project that my son may need to do around old feelings of loss, and the connection he’s made with buying things to make himself feel good. What was amazing to watch was how the whole town seemed to be in the grip of a similar “control pattern,” as Aletha Solter terms it. The sports shops were crammed full of people that afternoon who’d just finished watching the torch go by and were trying to fill themselves up with things to buy!

—Anna Cole, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor (living in the UK)

Anna Cole

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Why Isn’t Parenting Easy?

Brand New BabyHaving kids seems like a very natural thing to do. For a solid chunk of the members of societies everywhere, you grow up, you have kids. They grow up, they have kids. And so on. I imagine the planet would be a very lonely place if human beings didn’t have some sort of innate desire to share our lives with the next generation.

Oh! But the sleep deprivation! The spitting up! The crying! The worries into the wee hours of the night! The fevers. The whining. The impossible questions they come up with. And the endless questioning of ourselves, “What am I going to do with this child?” “Am I ruining this kid forever?”

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why? Why does it have to be so challenging? When our Labradoodle has a litter of puppies she does not pace the halls late into the night wondering whether she is paying too much attention to the curly one and not licking the straight-furred ones quite enough. She’s not brooding over whether a little one’s unwillingness to share the red truck during play dates indicates you’ve spoiled your child rotten and he’ll never make a real friend.

At Hand in Hand we understand that getting your entire family a good night’s sleep takes a lot more than divining the perfect number of stories to read. We know that building cooperation at home isn’t about just choosing whether to deploy Time Out with your toddler or not. We get how draining it can feel when your picky eater would rather go hungry than even try putting a green vegetable-like substance anywhere near her mouth. And we can relate to the guilt that can wash over you as you pry from your legs your desperately screaming three-year-old and try to leave the childcare center in time to make it to that meeting at work.

We can’t always make it easy for you to be a parent. But we can make it better. We can be there with you and help you surround yourself with a community that understands. We can create a place where parents can connect with warmth and support. We can listen when it’s hard. And be there with you when you have no idea what to even try next.

Parenting may not be easy, but supporting parents is what we love to do. It’s how we can make a difference for you, for parents everywhere, and for the children who will raise the next generation.

~ Julianne Idleman

Join Julianne and co-Instructor, Sa Budnitz, as they Focus on the Science of Parenting this fall.

“I Hate Oatmeal!”

My husband was making a pot of oatmeal for breakfast last weekend, and it was time for the family to come to the table.  But our 8-year-old son saw that the oatmeal wasn’t the kind he usually has, and he started saying, “I hate that oatmeal!” My husband responded, “Well, that’s what there is for breakfast.  It is either that or nothing!”And our son said, “I want the oatmeal I always have! I hate that kind!” I was quietly listening to the conflict. Our son left the table screaming and yelling and very upset.  He kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

My husband was getting a little upset too, and suggested, “If you don’t want to eat this oatmeal and you want to act like this, then you can go to your room, please!” At this point I saw our son going to his room alone, and I told my husband I could take it from there. I followed him into his room, and said, “Hey, you really hate this oatmeal, don’t you?” Our son said, “Yeah!” and started yelling and screaming even more.  “I hate always doing what you want me to do!”

Soon he became physical and I needed to hold his arm and to keep a safe distance so that his hitting and kicking would not land on me.

I kept saying, “You hate this oatmeal!” and he kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

I kept blocking the hitting, and his kicking and hitting continued while he kept hating the oatmeal. Then, all of a sudden, he started laughing while still kicking. When I heard his laughter, I felt assured that I was doing the right thing by allowing him to let off steam and to be understood.  His little brother was relieved at seeing this too.
Then, together, my son and I alternated between stomping our feet around the room, chanting, “I hate this oatmeal!” and him doing protected kicking and hitting. We wound up laughing until we both fell on the floor. Finally, our son stopped and said, “I am ready to eat my oatmeal now!”
And he ate the whole bowl of oatmeal and even had a second!  He was cheerful all morning after that. Today, a week later, we asked him if he would like to have some oatmeal. He saw that it was the kind he had hated so much a week ago. He answered, “Oh, I like this kind of oatmeal!”
–A Parent in a Skillbuilding Class

An Olympic Sports Day Staylistening

It was sports day at my children’s new school. My daughter, 8, was in the first of her races and was keen to “get a place,” as she put it – meaning she wanted to come in first, second or third. She ran the race and came in a joint third place, in her mind at least, but was not awarded an official “place.” She came to me deeply upset and angry. “The man cheated – he was probably the dad of the child he gave the third place to,” she told me angrily.  She said she wasn’t going to run in any of the other races, that they had cheated her. That she had come a joint third place and they hadn’t awarded her the place. I struggled momentarily with what to do. Should I go and talk to the father who had awarded the places? Would I seem like a pushy parent?

It occurred to me that the best thing I could do for my daughter in that moment was to Staylisten. I gave her a warm hug, kept my arms around her and said I was sorry this was so hard for her right now. She got angrier and repeated that she wasn’t going to run in any more races and she had been cheated. I kept my loving attention with her and acknowledged how she was feeling. Her anger broke into tears and she cried and cried with my warm attention. I was so glad I was able to do this, and no one interrupted us.

After crying hard, one of her friends from her team ran up to her, saying, “You’re up! This is your next race!” To my surprise and delight, she didn’t hesitate. She ran excitedly to the start line, and won the race by a long way! She jumped herself to victory in the sack race! She seemed to find a huge reserve of energy and confidence, and went on to have an engaged and happy sports day, competing and getting places in a number of other races.

My heart was full of awe at the rejuvenating power of a cry with loving attention. It felt healing to me, after her time at an overly competitive previous school, where any expression of sad feelings after losing a race was met with disapproval. I felt a lot of peace myself, after being there to hear her initial anger and tears, and then watching her give it her all. I was grateful for the opportunity to Staylisten in a context where, I guessed, lots of old feelings were up for both children and parents around competing, winning and losing.

—Anna Cole, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor (living in the UK)

Anna Cole

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Stupid F*(&#! Pillow!

My daughter, who is 7, had trouble separating at bedtime, and went through a period of crying every bedtime, without relief or change, when she wasn’t allowed to sleep in my bed. I let her cry each time, hoping it was doing some good, but it was always the same. One night, however, she was very mad and started punching and kicking me. I had just watched a Hand in Hand video on working with aggression, so I felt more clear about what to do. I met her aggression with warmth. I kissed her hands when she punched, deflected her kicks, and told her that I saw how angry she was.

After a good long while, she lay on the bed and told me about something that happened at gym that day. They did a parachute game, which she had never done before. It was familiar to all the other children at her new school, but she was confused about what to do, and felt scared when she was under the parachute. She said everyone loved the game, but she hated it.

She seemed to want to kick some more, so I encouraged her to kick a pillow I held and pretend it was the parachute. She did and she loved kicking it. She then turned to punching it down with a karate chop, over and over again. She then threw it back over her head and down the hall repeatedly, calling it a “Stupid, f___ f___ pillow!” “F___” is a word she has been a bit fascinated with, and it holds a lot of power for her. She also threw it down the stairs and said she hoped it hurt. I thought it would go on forever, but I let her keep going because she seemed to be getting so much out of it.

After a while longer, it was getting late for a school night bedtime, and I suggested she could do some more another time. She seemed satisfied with that, and went to bed without crying. She hasn’t cried since when she can’t sleep in my bed, though she still doesn’t like it, and it still holds some fear for her. The difference before and after this listening time is remarkable though, and I was surprised and happy that one listening time had such a big impact.

—Sandra Flear, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Sandra in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 9.  Register now!

Listen to this 3-minute audio clip, in which Sandra describes how you can help your listening partner release emotions.

You can read more of Sandra’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Listening Time Clears My Mind

I was going through a particularly stressful time. I wasn’t sleeping well, and often felt impatient with my kids, and not available enough for them. I had a consultation with a Hand in Hand consultant: in it, she helped me connect back to a memory of time when I felt very afraid as a child. Later that evening, I had a huge cry and rage in the car on the way to the gym. I felt cleaned out after that, and I was more available for my daughter the next morning than I had been in a long time. My daughter was having a hard time that day, but I felt calm and peaceful, able to listen and help her, and she was able to feel better, too.

—Sandra Flear, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Sandra in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 9.  Register now!

Listen to this 3-minute audio clip, in which Sandra describes how you can help your listening partner release emotions.

You can read more of Sandra’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Helping a Neighbor to be More Thoughtful Around Young Ones

When my two little cousins, ages three and one-and-a-half, came to live with me for several months, I learned that sometimes the adults they came in contact with were not that thoughtful about how to connect. This was true of one of my neighbors, who would say things to the children that often provoked an angry response from the three-year-old, who didn’t want to engage in conversation. I felt badly for my young cousin, and at the same time embarrassed by her direct reproach of my neighbor.

One Saturday morning an opportunity presented itself to turn things around. She and I were outside our apartment in the courtyard having Special Time, and her favorite game at the time was Simon Says. She loved being able to tell me what to do and watching me put my hands up or stomp my feet in response to her commands.

Our neighbor heard us playing and came outside to see what was going on. I took the risk of asking him to join us in a game of Simon Says, and explained to him how to play it. Sure enough, he stomped his feet, turned around or moved his hands based on her requests. She squealed with laughter at watching our neighbor respond to her direction. And he seemed pleasantly surprised to see her laughing instead of getting angry at him.

After this interaction with him, she became interested in knowing his name and was happy to see him on other days. He seemed to understand much better that engaging in play was a good way to interact with young people and started coming outside with a ball, which both children enjoyed.

- By Ellie Hidalgo, Los Angeles, California

Talking While Pillow Fighting

My 11-year-old son usually wants to pillow fight or sword fight during his special times with me. He told me recently, “I like it when we talk, too,” which is just what happens. As we wrestle and play and have fun, he tells me what’s going on at school, with his friends, and whatever is on his mind, in a way that he doesn’t often do otherwise. The physical play and connection seems to loosen him up.

—Sandra Flear, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Sandra in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 9.  Register now!

Listen to this 3-minute audio clip, in which Sandra describes how you can help your listening partner release emotions.

You can read more of Sandra’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Olive Oil and Band-aids: When Playing Stretches your Budget

In one of Patty Wipfler’s talks about Special Time, a question was asked by a mother about what to do if you child breaks something during rigorous play. Patty observed that sometimes children want to engage in experiments that might lead to something breaking or some other material resource being used up. She suggested that the parent think about how much of an expense was OK in order to allow children more freedom to explore and experiment.

No sooner had I heard this talk, than my two little cousins who lived with me for several months began to challenge me to think about this too.

One evening while the three of us were playing, my one-and-a-half year old cousin walked into the kitchen and managed to get hold of a bottle of olive oil without my seeing this. I was engaged in a game with his sister, and when I went into the kitchen to see where he had gone, he was delightedly pouring the bottle of olive oil onto a dustpan in the middle of the kitchen floor.

A shot of anger and frustration ran through my body, but the next second I caught a glimpse of his face, so happy to be looking at this oil and observing how it slowly poured out. I then thought of Patty’s words, and thought to myself “OK, the cost of this oil can go into our play budget.” This fresh perspective allowed me to relax and to not be harsh towards him. I put the rest of the bottle away and we cleaned up the floor with lots of paper towels. And I was pleased to be able to be relaxed about the whole incident.

A couple of days later his sister wanted a band-aid, and after giving her one, she wanted another and then another. Then she put one on her brother and the two of them started giggling and wanting to put more band-aids on each other. Again, I was able to choose to allow them to experiment with all the band-aids they wanted, and mentally threw the cost of the band-aids into our play budget. The next day I went to a 99-cent store and bought another box of band-aids so they could continue this game, which they did.

A few days later, when she and I were playing Special Time, I asked her what she wanted to play. She enthusiastically said she wanted to cut up our leftover birthday wrapping paper and Christmas wrapping paper. Again, these are items I generally would have stored away for another use. Instead we “wasted” the paper, and she was thrilled to be cutting out snowmen and practicing how to use her scissors.

What I learned from all this was to come up with a dollar figure in my mind that I could afford to put towards our play budget each week. This has allowed me to be more generous and relaxed with my young cousins as they creatively invent their own games using ordinary things around my home. And while the children have plenty of store-bought toys to play with, it is their homemade games that often bring about the most laughter.

- By Ellie Hidalgo, Los Angeles, California

Not Liking Her Father’s New Partner

I told my daughter that another parent from her school would be taking her into school that day because we carpool. She was upset and cranky about it for 45 minutes, and wanted me to take her instead. I held the limit and told her that the other parent would take her in that day and I would take her in tomorrow. A few minutes before the other parent arrived, she started crying, and told me how upset she is about having a “stepmother.”

She cried and said she never wanted her dad and I to separate, she never wanted a stepmom, that she’s never liked her, and she wants to live just with her dad and brother again at her dad’s house. I’d never heard these feelings before, and didn’t even know she had them. I share my feelings about this with a listening partner, which helps me to support my children’s dad when he has feelings about our daughter not liking his partner. All of this opened up a conversation between my daughter and her dad about why we separated, and how she feels about his new partner. She seems more settled about it now.

—Sandra Flear, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Sandra in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 23.  Register now!

Listen to this 3-minute audio clip, in which Sandra describes how you can help your listening partner release emotions.

You can read more of Sandra’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.