After this incident she was very wary of me carrying her anywhere.  I wanted her to feel safe with me again so I took the opportunity to use Playlistening to help her release some tension around it. So when she needed the toilet I would offer to give her a horsey-ride. She’d refuse. I’d say “this horsey is a bit wobbly on his feet, do you want to come for a ride?” I picked up her teddy and wobbled and staggered as I carried him on my back and dropped him down carelessly. She laughed.

Then I became the extra safe horse and with a big smile and lots of warmth I said; “this is a new horse that carries you on the front. See how safe this one is, – it never drops you.” I gave her a big cuddle that was firm and secure and I bounced into the living room, why she giggled. I then said “Ok, it’s time to put you down now” and I lowered her onto the sofa which was a safe and easy place for me and reassuring for her. She was still hesitant as I lowered her and so I stopped half way and held her close again. Again she giggled, so I lifted her up again holding her securely.

I was encouraging her to laugh about something that was a serious break of trust for her. By taking her to that place where she was faced with the imminent possibility of being dropped brought the painful feelings close to the surface where they could be felt again, but this time she felt safe and she could laugh and regain a feeling of trust in me again. I did several more games like this over the next few weeks and she gained more confidence the more she laughed and the more times that a horsey-ride with me was a positive experience for her.

-Veronica L, Certified Hand in Hand Instructor

One family in my Skill Building group has a five year old son, and a four months old daughter. The parents have been practicing Parenting by Connection for 8 months now, and have been very dedicated to using the Listening tools with their son before and after the arrival of the new baby. In one of the meetings we had recently they were telling the group how their son was ‘encouraging’ them to let his baby sister cry, in a very caring and loving tone. When they were trying to offer her a pacifier once he specifically told them: “No, don’t give her the pacifier, it’s good for her to cry, she needs that”.

For me this is the kind of reassurance that our children give us to say, we are doing something right here. Our children can really feel how by allowing them to offload their hurts through crying we help them feel much better, and also it is through all those sessions of Special Time, Playlistening and Staylistening that we all feel good about ourselves, and connected to each other. It’s the emotional intelligence that comes with getting the emotional support that you need.

I also see that with my own daughter (14) who would sometimes be doing Staylistening to her younger sister (9) when she cries. She would sit on the floor right next to her, gently touching her arm and try to listen with as much attention and care as she can. Those are the moments I would like to cherish and always remember. As Patty once told us, today we are parenting the parents of our grandchildren, and what better parents can we ask for.

-Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn
You can learn how to build connection and more moments of “getting it” with your family with with Ravid in her Building Emotional Understanding class, starting Tuesday, January 31.

At a RIE Conference several years ago a friend and I were presenting a workshop on infant and toddler play and attempted an audacious experiment. We asked another friend to bring her 15 month old daughter to the event, daring to hope that the baby might give a live demonstration of independent, self-directed play.

At least fifty pairs of eyes were on baby Tess as she sat in her mom’s lap on a large platform raised about a foot off the ground. A few feet away we had created a play area using the kinds of objects recommended by infant specialist Magda Gerber: balls of different sizes and types, empty plastic bottles and jars, a colander, an inflatable beach ring, plastic chains, a baby doll, wooden rings, etc.

Tess seemed to take in the audience that surrounded her — professional caregivers, educators, and parents — all of whom waited patiently and showed extreme respect. Could she find the comfort — the trust — to play in such an intensely non-therapeutic environment? Would her natural impulse to play trump any unease or tension?

To all of our amazement it did, and she did. After a couple of minutes, Tess left the safety of her mother’s lap, ventured slowly toward the toys, and proceeded to examine a wiffle ball, which she eventually placed in a large plastic jar. A few minutes later she moved on to investigating a pool ‘noodle’.

It was obvious to everyone watching that Tess was not performing or doing anything for the benefit of the audience. She was simply following her curiosity — exploring, inner-directed — as she was used to doing at home. This was living proof of the powerful, innate desire babies have to play. I doubt the attendees remembered much about the rest of our presentation, but they were buzzing all afternoon about baby Tess.

Play, especially when self-directed, is not only natural — it is vital for our children’s emotional health. Through play babies naturally develop physical and cognitive skills, stretch their imaginations, flex creative muscles, build resiliency and a strong sense of self. Play is the way babies learn best. How do we cultivate this inborn drive? At what age does play begin?

Independent play begins the first time an infant spends a comfortable moment awake in a position in which he or she is free to move. Babies are born ready to begin playing. All we have to do is recognize it, encourage it and trust.

Recognize.

As a new parent, my 3 month old firstborn must have known what I needed — not merely a lesson in recognizing infant play, but a revelation.

Following the direction of a RIE parenting instructor, I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched.  My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.

When babies aren’t eating, sleeping, bathing, changing diapers, crying, burping, colicky or being cuddled, they are playing. In the first months, play might not look like much. But this is when it starts, and it needs cultivating. 

Encourage.

Although a baby a few weeks old may experience some moments of play on a bed or changing table while an adult is guarding her safety,  play is encouraged for more extended periods by providing a safe place or places in which our baby is not confined, propped or positioned – free to move to the extent she is capable. If a baby’s movement is restricted, or she is dependent on us or on a contraption to retain a position, ‘helped’ to roll or sit up, she becomes used to our intervention and continues to expect it.

Other parenting approaches encourage waiting until an infant can physically indicate a desire to move out of the parent’s arms or a carrier before providing opportunities for play. For me, waiting for an indication of readiness to play independently and move freely is like waiting for a baby to point to a book before ever reading to her. Our babies get used to whatever rituals we create. It is up to us to encourage the habits we believe healthiest.

In her NAEYC essay Babies On The Move, Rae Pica warns that confining babies for extended periods in car seats, carriers, highchairs, etc., may have serious consequences for both motor and cognitive development.  Recent neurological research confirms that infants need to move.

“Neurophysiologist Carla Hannaford, in her book Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head, tells us that, beginning in infancy, physical movement plays a vital role in the creation of nerve cell networks that are actually the core of learning. She then goes on to relate how movement, because it activates the neural wiring throughout the body, makes the entire body—not just the brain—an instrument of learning.”

To encourage play we have to appreciate and respect it. Before interrupting a baby – no matter how kindly and lovingly we plan to engage her – it’s best to first stop, observe, and at least wait for our baby to look towards us.  We should always ask before picking her up, even if she is fussy.  If we open the door for our young infants to communicate by acknowledging them and asking, “You sound tired. Do you want me to pick you up?” they are encouraged to answer back by telling us, by lifting their arms to us, or not.

Trust.

It’s hard to trust infants to play independently, to be the “initiators, explorers and self-learners” that Magda Gerber taught us they are capable of being. We worry that we might not be doing enough. How can our tiny infants be ready to make choices, experience self-reliance…mastery? But if we are sensitive observers, tuned in and responsive to our babies’ physical and emotional needs, they will initiate play for short periods that grow in time. Our baby soon learns to alert us when she’s had all the independence she wants or can handle.

Alternatively, an insecure baby is incapable of the kind of self-assured, inner directed play demonstrated by Tess, my infant daughter and the many other babies I’ve observed over the years. If we want to encourage play, we have to take a leap of faith and begin by trusting our babies.

(In above photo — a baby playing on her one month birthday.)

-Janet Lansbury, of Elevating Childcare

Join Janet and Patty Wipfler for a discussion on why jumping on the couch and roughhousing is key to your child’s development.

The previous week, 21 month old Audrey had wedged herself between the bars of the wooden climbing structure and looked at me with a worried expression. “Are you stuck?” I asked. I moved close and — without touching her — talked her through pulling her legs out from between the bars and reaching to the bar below so that she could climb down again. After glancing at me with a look of self-satisfaction, she climbed back up to repeat the experience. Another toddler, Travis, then climbed the bars and tried getting stuck, too.

Travis seemed to remember this last week. He climbed up the structure, slipped his legs through the bars and looked at me meaningfully. “Are you stuck?” I asked. He smirked at me before freeing himself again. Soon, Audrey, and then Charlotte followed suit. Charlotte sat between the bars for a long time, swinging her legs in the “stuck” position.

A few minutes later, Sage placed a stacking cup inside one of the buses. She tried to pull the cup back out. I sensed her mom wanting to help, but resisting the urge.  “Is it stuck?” I asked.  She fiddled with the cup for a moment, then left it and moved on to something else.

Later Sage climbed onto one of the large wooden blocks, sat on top and seemed unsure about getting down again. “Are you trying to get down?” I asked. She reached out for me as if to ask to bring her down. “I won’t let you fall”, I said, not touching her, but just spotting. She was hesitant and seemed uneasy. “Do you feel stuck up there?” I asked. She reached her arms towards me again to help her, and though I felt like a meanie, I resisted. “You want me to help you down, but I’m going to let you do it, and I won’t let you fall.”

Sage spent a few moments inching across the top of the block and looking down at the floor before she gained the courage to slide down the side, reaching her feet a few inches until she touched the floor. “You did it.” Thrilled, Sage pranced victoriously across the room towards her smiling parents.

Babies don’t mind struggles. To them, frustration isn’t a bad word. But without meaning to, we teach our babies to fear those things by projecting our adult point-of-view, by reacting (or overreacting), hurrying to “bail them out”.

If we want to encourage our baby’s ingenuity, persistence, and self-confidence, it’s best to try to stifle our urge to “help” and provide plenty of opportunities for safe struggles, even when they cause a little frustration. Our infant might need to work for days, even weeks struggling to roll from back to tummy, or stretching himself to reach the toy that is just out of his grasp. If we stay out of the way, just verbally comfort, acknowledge and encourage our child, (giving him breaks, or helping minimally if he starts getting too frustrated or exhausted) he eventually experiences (and completely owns!) the thrill of his accomplishment. 

By feeling “stuck”, overcoming obstacles and also dealing with “failure” to achieve a particular goal, our children build strong coping skills that will make life’s temporary setbacks much easier to bear. It’s great to succeed, but “not there yet” is a part of life and okay, too.  Then, like the toddlers in class, they can continue to approach feeling stuck as just another fascinating state of being, an experience to examine, embrace, and hopefully overcome through confident perseverance.

Wouldn’t it be grand if we could all retain this healthy, positive attitude towards struggle…if we could face writer’s block, a job search, being in-between relationships, grappling with life’s toughest challenges with interest and enthusiasm rather than fear?

-Janet Lansbury of Elevating Childcare

Join Janet and Hand in Hand Founder Patty Wipfler on Thursday, January 19, for a conversation on how play will build your child’s resiliency.

Lucky for my daughter I understand. Whenever we are feeling good, and safe with someone, the not-so-great-feelings come up to the surface. Getting everything we want can kick up those feelings from the times we didn’t get what we really needed. I notice after the hour-long Special Times she will ask for things she knows I’m going to say “No” too, like a bowl of cereal right before dinner. Or more TV when she knows she’s filled her limit for the day.

She goes deep into her frustration with each “No” then runs to her room to be alone. I follow her in, empathize, tell her I love her and let her know I’m going to finish cooking dinner andwill check on her soon.

When I check on her she asks again for the things she knows I’ll say “No” to. I tell her she can have more TV/Computer time tomorrow but not now. She cries more and yells about how she NEVER gets ANYTHING she wants. She tells me to, “GO NOW!” I tell her I’d like to sit with her a few more minutes before I go check on dinner again. This is just another blow to her, another example of her not getting what she wants. I listen more to her yells and cries, then go out to check on dinner.

When it’s time for dinner, I go back into her room and sit next to her. She buries her face into her pillow. I’m willing to listen to more tears if needed, but I’m also hungry and would like to eat a warm meal, so I think maybe shifting to humor will help.

Somehow it comes to me to say, “I have a present for you.” This makes her peek at me. Then I make my “naked mole rat face”. With my front teeth stuck out and my eyes shut tight I make some little nibbling sounds. Luckily, she’s receptive to my attempt at humor and starts laughing.

“And, your second present is a wrestling naked mole rat!” I say giving her the “vigorous snuggle”. She keeps laughing so hard she’s gasping for air, so I pause for a minute. “Oh my gosh,” she says, as she catches her breath, “That’s so funny.”

To keep the laughter going I make silly lizard faces and then warthog faces and she continues laughing deep belly laughs until she says she has to stop because she might throw-up.

We take a breath, snuggle close and talk about how good it feels to laugh that hard. Then we get up and head to dinner. She shows dad all the funny faces and is in a great mood the rest of the evening. When she shows resistance to brushing her teeth at bedtime, I make more funny faces for a couple minutes and then she’s off to brush with no more resistance.

In the morning, the laughter continues as she requests more “face-making”. I love that we could move from tears to laughter in a way that was really helpful to her and me too. So go ahead, try making a naked mole rat face, and laugh the tension away!

~ Michelle Pate, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant https://www.facebook.com/michellepateparenting

Join Michelle, and fellow instructor, Emily Cernusak, in the upcoming free teleseminar: From Shy to Self-Assured: Supporting the Timid Child.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 36,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 13 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I sewed a seam along the bottom edge and tied a drawstring so the pillows don’t come out so easily. They can bounce into each other and no one gets hurt. They fall over and laugh and laugh as they try to get back up. The other one will try to help and then they fall down, too.

This has been a great solution when they are slightly off track and want to be physical but because they are somewhat disconnected the play has a hurtful edge to it. This game allows then to be close and physical with each other and  get in lots and lots of laughter, with me as the playful ‘referee’. The tension comes melting out in waves of giggles. They always end up in better shape and much more connected.

-You can join Certified Instructor Kirsten Nottleson in her Strengthening Your Play Muscles class in January

Our readers’ favorite post of the year, by The Parent Scientist, Julianne Idleman, talked about how “Connecting with children when they express their emotional experience supports the essential elements of the parent-child relationship.” And it’s fitting that coming in at a very close second was the post by guest author Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting, discussing what’s wrong with using Time Out. “Instead of reaffirming your relationship with your child so she WANTS to please you, timeouts create a power struggle. They set up a relationship that pits you and your authority against the child.”

Other top posts of the year included success stories by a Fremont parent who needed to set a limit when her son desperately wanted to go to the park, parents who supported their young son when he couldn’t attend a birthday party, and a Parenting by Connection mom who was able to help her daughter finally sleep well in her own bed. “When I got up to go I gave her a big hug and she said, ‘I love you, Mommy,’ and went peacefully to sleep.”

Another favorite post of our readers this year was advice from Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler, on helping a toddler who was having an especially hard time with family coming in to visit over the holidays. Other very popular holiday posts included a mother who gave up Christmas presents and our post exploring the inevitable Holiday Meltdown, and how to best manage tantrums.

Our readers enthusiastically shared Parenting by Connection instructor Tosha Schore’s post on how squeezing in even five minutes of Special Time can affect your child’s entire day and a post explaining how delicate a child’s sense of connection can be and how to repair connection when it breaks. “Not feeling connected to an adult who has ‘got your back’ is very upsetting to a child. It causes them to lose touch with their good thinking.”

In 2012 we’ll be here to share our best thinking, our favorite success stories and to connect and listen to parents.

Wishing you and your families a warm, connected Holiday Season,

From all of us at Hand in Hand Parenting