Helping My Son Connect With My New Partner

My son’s father and I have been separated for 3 years and we have both started seeing new partners in the past six months. Understandably, this has been really challenging for my 11-year-old son to negotiate. He has been struggling with issues about whether he is still loved and lovable, with associated painful feelings and tricky behaviour around the respective new partners. I’ve been sharing Hand in Hand parenting ideas with my new partner and thanks to him and the awesome power of setting limits and playlistening, we are making some great headway towards helping my son with this situation.

Recently, the three of us decided to go for a bike ride to the beach, or rather my partner and I decided it would be good to get out in nature together and have some fun. My son was very upset at the time and resisting any ideas or suggestions for fun and adventure, which he usually loves. It was pretty clear that he wasn’t his usual reasonable and adventurous self and that he really needed some support with coming into connection with us. I decided to help him by setting a limit with him.

Lightly and warmly I got close and let him know that I really wanted him with us and that we were all going for a ride to the beach. He put up resistance saying he didn’t want to come but I just kept my warmth and light tone coming, along with the limit that it was time to go, with a “let’s go have some fun together” attitude. He did come outside and get onto his bike but he didn’t get to release any hurt feelings at the time, so he was still quite upset while riding along with us. I kept close to him as we were riding and offered my warmth and care for as long as I could.

As we got closer to the beach, which is only a ten-minute ride, I started feeling stretched by the situation and started to lose my warmth. Thankfully, my new partner came to my son’s aide as an ally making warm contact with him. By the time we got to the beach both my son and I were feeling frustrated and ready for some play action. Let the playlistening begin! Spontaneously, my son started a wrestle on the beach, which my partner and I happily joined.

I’ve done years of wrestling with my boy, so it’s a well worn connection groove for releasing tension and rebuilding connection between us. This day we were both in fine form. I think he started it by putting a handful of sand down my pants, so once I’d emptied it out, the chase was on. At this point my new partner sided with him and they were both chasing and wrestling me to get me covered in sand. I’d chase them at different times, sometimes catching my son, often allowing him to escape, but always putting up a good contest for him to wrestle against. There was lots of vigorous running and wrestling and deep connecting broad smiles and laughter, with a fair few determined, playful stares.

Without any words or planning, this very alive and wild play spontaneously shifted and my son and I teamed up and started chasing my new partner, who is very tall and very hard to catch. We worked together to catch him, chasing him from different directions and eventually, with great satisfaction, we caught him. Then it was time to get him onto the ground. Together we worked with great gusto, and lots of gentle care, to destabilize his legs until he eventually allowed himself to topple to the ground.

Both my son and I had a great sense of satisfaction as a result and I got a personal taste of the amazing ability of this type of play to build confidence. I’m sure I grew an inch taller that day as a result.

After a wash off in the ocean, to clear out all that sand, we all rode home together in the evening twilight. For the first time since coming together, there was a very sweet and peaceful sense of unity and connection between us, and a deep sense of hope and satisfaction.

Once home we all worked together to make a delicious shared meal. As my son was going to bed he told me, for the first time in months, how much he really liked my new partner. It was a wonderful reminder of the awesome power of play.

Megan Edwards is an Australian Hand in Hand Instructor. You can join her in her upcoming online Building Emotional class beginning April 25th.
Megan says, “The class provides parents with the opportunity to get the level of support required for the emotional work of parenting which all parents deserve. The Hand in Hand approach of Parenting by Connection really changes lives in the most wonderful and deeply rewarding ways.”

Growing On Her Own Time

Hi Patty,

Group settings, especially large group settings, are very difficult for my daughter. I see a little girl who has some real fears of these situations, and it really hurts to see others judging because she is nervous and only wants to stay in my arms. She will often display behaviors like nose picking or finger sucking when someone addresses her. Oftentimes, the adult will then make a comment about the behavior, which only serves to make her more uncomfortable.

What gets under my skin are the repeated suggestions that she be put in preschool to help mitigate her social anxiety. I disagree with this, as she does fairly well around other kids and is involved in 2 activities, which afford her opportunities to be around other children. I don’t see how preschool would help mitigate anxieties that surface in large group, adult dominated settings. It feels like I’m being judged and found wanting, as if my being with her and raising her at home is not good enough. Even if that isn’t the intended purpose of those comments, that’s what it makes me feel.

I would love to hear any suggestions you might have, especially for playlistening, because my daughter really enjoys when we work on things that way.

-Perplexed for Playlistening

Hi Perplexed,

Good for you for holding your own amidst adults who are not attuned to your daughter’s needs, and whose advice and promptings (with all the best intentions) actually undermine her confidence. You are doing a good job of thinking for yourself here.

Here is a suggestion of a game I have often done is to hold a child in my arms, and peek in at a large group, then say, “Let’s run away!” in a playful, not playfully fearful, but simply playful tone. Then, I run, and the child jiggles along in my arms. We run maybe 20 feet, and then turn around and I pay attention, listening, seeing how the child is.

And when we’re connected and I’ve paid attention, I say, “Let’s peek again!” and tiptoe up to the gathering, peek in, and repeat. This often gets children laughing. You are not forcing the child past her comfort zone. You are staying close, body to body close, to provide safety. Your tone is playful, also providing safety. And you are creating a tiny, safe adventure, then taking the “Let’s get out of here!” role, so she is not the one who wants to run, you are. She is along for the ride.

This kind of game can go on for a whole hour. If there’s laughter, it can relieve a lot of tension, and help a child trust that you understand how much she really can handle at one time.

If you do this kind of game for a good long time, then you build enough safety to help her with the deeper level of feelings.

So then, after NOT forcing her to try to function past her comfort level, but eliciting laughter and staying close, you can propose to go in and talk to one person. And you don’t play, you say, “I’m going to help you go in and say hello to XYZ (the safest, kindest person available). Just for a minute.” and see if she can cry about the idea. You don’t DO it, you PROPOSE it, and Staylisten. You may need to nudge her physically toward the situation to get the tears to come, but they will come if you’ve built enough safety. Listen. Let her cry. Don’t give up on your proposal, but don’t do more than inch toward the situation you have proposed. An inch every 15 minutes should be plenty to keep the deeper fears rolling out and healing.

For a more in depth reading of playlistening and how your daughter’s emotions work, take a look at our Listening to Children set or read Helping You Child With Shyness. For a more in depth and hands on learning experience, we offer Building Emotional Understanding courses which offer a new perspective on your child’s emotional moments and how build and cultivate a strong relationship with your child.

Let us know how it goes.

Best,

Patty

It’s Okay to Cry Over Spilled Milk

I was sitting, alone, at a table in the middle of a crowded, local Starbucks today, sipping tea and composing an email. I heard a small commotion behind me, and then quickly heard the pained cry of a child in the middle of a big upset. I turned my head around immediately, recognizing the wordless call for help that I hear in my home oh-so-often. What I saw was a little boy, around 5 or 6 years old, standing over a paper cup and a puddle of milk.

He was screaming, and seemed to be frantically searching for a familiar face. I quickly scanned the room, and noticed a family that had just passed through the, now closed, doors on the other side of the cafe.

The remarkable part, for me, about what happened next actually has less to do with the child in distress than it does with me. I instinctively stepped down from my stool and moved in close to the little boy, kneeling and making eye contact. I knew that his parents would quickly notice that he was not with them. I had no concerns about that. The only thing that mattered was that he was upset, and he needed someone to be with him.

At first he tensed up as I approached, and almost stopped crying. I reached out and gently touched his elbow, saying softly “You spilled your milk”. The tears welled up in his eyes, and just as I said “I’m right here” he began wailing, loud and hard, and the tears streamed down his face. Within moments there was a hand on my shoulder, and his mother was moving in to help him. She thanked me briefly as I stepped away, and compassionately listened to him tell her, through his sobs, about dropping his cup of milk. The kind baristas hastily replaced it, and they were quickly on their way.

As I sat back down, I noticed many eyes upon me. For the first time I thought about what had just happened. A child was screaming, over the loss of something that could be easily replaced, and his parents were out of sight. It occurred to me that my response was likely quite outside the realm of what these people were used to seeing. Even more, I realized how differently I would have reacted before learning and working with the tools that I have learned through Hand in Hand. Without a doubt, I would have wanted to “fix” what was wrong, to erase the child’s hurt and stop the crying. I think that’s a pretty common response, and certainly an accepted one, in our society.

But I didn’t try to fix it. I simply moved in, and gave him my full attention. I knew he would be okay. I knew that he would probably get another milk, but I also recognized that the deep hurt he was feeling wasn’t just about this spill. I did what made sense to me, what I have learned to do for my own children when they are hurting. And the amazing thing? When I met the eyes of the other patrons, most of them were smiling. The business man sitting across from me looked at me warmly and said, “That was really great, what you just did!”.

On their way out the door, the mother stopped to thank me again for helping her son. She seemed relieved, and very grateful. I felt grateful too. I’m grateful that I have learned these listening tools, that I was able to offer my presence and ability to listen to a little boy that really needed someone in that moment. I am grateful that I no longer feel a frantic urge to “fix” the emotional upsets of those around me. And I am really grateful that I got to see, from a more objective perspective, the appreciation of strangers witnessing these tools in action. It’s hard to notice when I’m in the middle of it with my own kids.

- Jamie R. of Oakland

Check out Hand in Hand’s upcoming classes (local and on-line) and free monthly teleseminars.

I Want to Go to the Park

One summer evening when my son was 4.5, we were walking our dogs after dinner. He really, really wanted to go to the neighborhood park. I told him it was getting late, and we needed to go home and get ready for bed. I promised that we could eat dinner early the next day and go to the park. Usually my son is a very reasonable child, and this would’ve been enough explanation.

Playground Sign However, that evening, he was stuck in “I want to go to the park” land. He whined, cried and begged to go to the park. I tried playing games with him to distract him, to no avail. I made up a song about “I want to go to the park.” He laughed a bit at that silliness, but soon returned to, “I want to go to the paaaarrrrk!!!” I ran around him in circles and tried to get him to dance with me. It only upset him more. His responses to all my questions and actions were, “I want to go to the park!!!” That was when I realized that it was not about going to the park. He was setting himself up for emotional release.

So I let him. I asked my friend who was walking with us to take the dogs home, and sat on the curb and held my son. By this time, he was beside himself crying and trying to drag me toward the park. He struggled against my arms, rolling around on my lap. He kicked his legs back and forth like a pair of scissors. I kept patting him on the back and telling him I loved him. I said I was sorry he was disappointed but we could not go to the park that evening. He kept crying and struggling.

Some neighbors walked by on the other side of the street. They smiled at us when they heard his cry of wanting to go to the park. I guessed they’ve been through that with their kids at some point, too. I smiled back from the curb. I was calm and didn’t feel I was being judged. In hindsight, that was rather remarkable. It may have been a turning point as a more confident parent.

My son continued to cry and began pushing me. I let go of him and sat looking at him. He walked a few steps away, then ran back and climbed into my lap again to cry. When he pushed very hard, I would let him get up. He would climb and lie down again in my lap, all the while screaming about going to the park. As he cried, I held him and told him that I knew he had had a tough day.

In about 10 minutes, he stopped. (Though it felt a lot longer at the time.) He sat on the curb leaning against me. The sky was just starting to get dark. I asked, “Hey, where’s the moon? Could we look for the moon on our way home?” He calmly stood up and held my hand. He found the pale crescent moon, and we listened for frogs as we walked home, hand in hand. The next day, we did go to the park after dinner.

To this day, I don’t know what difficulties he had or what emotions he needed to offload. I did learn from that experience that whenever my son appears to be stuck wanting something and starts to repeat one phrase over and over, it’s no longer about that thing he wants at the moment. That signature behavior became my signal that some pent up feeling is bothering him, a lot, and a much needed Staylistening session is called for. And more often than not, I’d be right about that.

–A mother in Fremont, CA

Read more about the Parenting by Connection approach in the Listening to Children booklets or hear Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor, Alaiya Aguilar discuss another example of Staylistening.

Starting Kindergarten

My five-year-old started kindergarten last week and he is almost finished with his second week. It wasn’t an easy transition for him and here is how we supported him using Parenting by Connection tools.

Through summer, my son resisted to the idea of kindergarten. “You are going to kindergarten, are you excited?” he was often asked and his answer was an adamant “No!”

Toward the end of a summer full of fun, Special Time and Staylistening my son’s response changed from an absolute “No!” to a “Maybe.”

But then, he kept resisting, not going into a classroom for kindergarten assessments, and we had to come back for the second day and still the teachers had to come outside their rooms to give him assessments in the playground!

Despite his resistance, I could tell he wanted to give kindergarten a try. For example, he would talk about going to school. or choose to have his Special Time in the kindergarten playground where we played his favorite “mom-ster” game- I play a feeble monster (“mom-ster”) and try in vain to catch him while he swiftly runs away.

His first week at kindergarten came and he went very reluctantly. On Friday, I was told that he became quite upset, crying and trying to run away after his dad dropped him off. I had a meeting with the school counselor who listened to him that day and she graciously offered for us to use her room for any other separation upsets in the future.

Both my husband and I felt it would be really difficult to make him go the next week.

Over the following three day weekend, we decided to focus on his feelings around separation; my saying goodbye before going on an errand, playing physically together and playing hide-and-seek, and making our bedtime earlier to give my son a chance to express his feelings on separation. Also, each son had one of us parents for half a day including an hour of Special Time.

The morning of second week came. My son was half-naked without his pj shirt waking up. After five minutes of Special Time in bed, I suggested putting on his day shirt. He wouldn’t. It was a small and quiet sign expressing his inside feelings. I said very softly, “It’s time to put on your shirt.” He ran out of bed to the other room. I followed him, saying “Let’s put on your shirt and get ready for school.” As soon as he heard the word, “school,” he tightened up and ran away again. I tried to play, but he wouldn’t laugh. “It’s time to go.” This time, he tried to kick me. I guarded with my arm, held his legs as gently as I could and said softly, “No, no kicking. It’s time to get ready for school.”

He started making some noise, wriggling, then crying loudly saying, “I don’t want to go to school!” I listened. His crying continued. I encouraged, “I know your teacher is waiting for you. She likes you.” More crying and “No!” “You are going to make more friends.” He cried more. We kept on going like this for 45 minutes.

Luckily that morning, my husband was able to take my older son, so they left.

I had barely an hour before work that morning, so I debated inside whether it would be a good idea to spend time on his crying at home like this.

It wasn’t easy to decide to stay and listen to him as his crying seemed to be getting nowhere and I started to wonder if my sitting next to him listening quietly and encouraging him once in a while would look like I was doing a good job of parenting. But I had witnessed enough to decide to invest my time and attention then while I was calm.

Gradually his crying shifted and he would look around commenting like, “Oh, look at the bird outside.” When I nudged him again in the direction of starting a morning routine, getting dressed, eating breakfast and eventually going to school, he would cry a while more. By then, he was lying down on my lap, sobbing.

Finally, he looked more relaxed with his eyebrows lifted, looking at me in the eye, talking about things he remembered from school. He got up and did all the morning routine with an attitude of “I can’t wait to go!”

We were half an hour late for school, but the transition went smoothly. My son had no difficulty walking into the classroom and waving goodbye. And I wasn’t late for my work.

It’s the end of the week and my husband just called to say that the school drop-off went smoothly today and “whatever you did on Tuesday is really working!”

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22. Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Five Minutes Makes a Difference

special time in the mornings can make for a great day!

I’ve known for an embarrassingly long period of time that our days would be sooo much better if I could find a way to have special time with my oldest son first thing in the morning. It’s been a challenge because my husband leaves early and I’m on my own with three boys, rushing to get them all ready for their days. Oh yeah, and I have to get myself ready as well! In addition, my boys don’t generally wake up on their own either so I always have to get them up.

A few days ago, my oldest son woke up on his own and before his brothers. I was in the shower when he barged in and yelled, “YOU DIDN’T WAKE ME UP!” I said, “Good morning!” with a big smile on my face. “YOU DIDN’T WAKE ME UP!” he accused me yet again. I said, “I’m just in the shower, and I was going to let you sleep and wake you when I was out.” “NO! LAST NIGHT! YOU DIDN’T WAKE ME UP WHEN YOU GOT HOME!” Ahhh! Now I got it. He was upset because I hadn’t woken him up, as I had promised I would, when I got home late the night before. He always asks me to wake him up when I get home, if I’m not there when he goes to sleep. Though I promise to, I generally just give him a kiss and tell him I’m home. Very rarely does he wake up. So, now I at least knew what he was talking about – yelling about, rather.

Somewhere inside me I mustered up some patience and a relaxed tone, and said, “How about we do five minutes of ST [special time] before your brothers wake up?” He stopped for a moment and then started whining and yelling at me about how you couldn’t do anything in five minutes. I repeated my offer with the same relaxed tone. He calmed down and took me up on it. I said, “If you can very quietly sneak back into your room and get yourself dressed without waking up your brothers, I’ll go get dressed as well, and I’ll meet you in the living room for five minutes of ST before your brothers wake up.” By now he was getting into it. He had a smile on his face, and he snuck into his room very quietly and got dressed without waking anyone. When we met in the living room, I set the timer for five minutes and said, “OK, let’s do special time!” and I pressed the “start” button. He immediately started yelling at me not to start yet because we hadn’t figured out what we were doing. I said calmly, “I’m sure you’ll come up with something soon.” He whined for about 30 seconds and then said, “Let’s make Topps Attack cards!” I agreed, and asked what we needed. He instructed me to bring paper and scissors and a specific kind of marker. Then told me how to cut the paper, and we each worked on a card. He did Babe Ruth, and I did Cy Young. He told me what to write and where, and he drew my picture of Cy Young because we agreed that he would do a much better job. I must admit that when we started the five minutes, it really did seem like we wouldn’t have time for anything, but in the end we had produced two baseball cards and one much more connected kid! It was fabulous!

The rest of the morning went so much more smoothly than normal. I didn’t have to ask him multiple times to brush his teeth, get his backpack, etc. He was cooperative and even kind to his brothers. Even that evening he was more easygoing and, most amazingly, said “Thank you!” to his father at least once. For him, this is HUGE. I haven’t made another morning ST work yet, but I now realize how little time it really takes, which makes the goal seem more attainable.

~ Tosha Schore, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor
Tosha teaches a special Building Emotional Understanding class for parents of boys starting September 12th

Staylistening and Playground Politics

Antics on the playground can lead to solid cries at home

One afternoon when I was picking up my 1st grader from school, his friends told me he had a bad day. According to them, he was tripped many times in PE and got excluded in the playground as he “bended” the rule and received, “You are fired!” from others.

I talked about my feelings about this with my listening partners as I was bullied at his age.

My son was certainly cranky the last 10 days or so. I talked with his teachers and my husband about it. I gathered information from other parents too. His teacher dismissed it, said it was nothing.

A couple of days after his friends told me he had a bad day, My son was speaking harshly to his little brother. I went in and reminded him that we would want to speak kindly to each other. Instantly, he went into a big struggle and crying.

I harnessed him, reflecting inside if I had the right mind to do this. My Listening Partnership earlier really helped, as I now had more attention available.

I hoped I was doing the right thing even though I was worried if someone were to come in and see us, that they might think I was hurting him.

I made sure he was safe, safe from furniture, safe from me, and safe from himself. I spoke to him, “I want to hear more about what happened today.” More thrashing. ”You can say I can play by the rule, let’s do that again!” I almost got hit and kicked really hard. ”I know you are a good boy.” More screaming and intense feelings. Then he stopped crying and thrashing, coming into my arms sweetly.

This was all while I had to be cooking dinner. Rice and curry turned out to be a bit chewy as I couldn’t attend the stove. However, my son ate a lot and he was in a good mood. He was relaxed, sweet and cuddly all evening. He would give me small presents and even offered me a massage going to sleep, even though he is the one who normally gets one.

My son didn’t share much about school events verbally. What he shared with us grownups was that he actually liked what happened to him. His body language seemed to tell me otherwise, but his teacher saw nothing problematic.

When I paid attention to him, his tone of voice, body language, and his mood, it told me something else. His daily crankiness and his friend’s story gave me a small clue to what may be bothering him.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that he was a good boy, that he could be himself and still find a place in this world and change the world. I am glad I now can convey that, instead of having just another cranky child receiving a lecture, a time-out or a yell if I hadn’t known better. I am grateful that my son and I feel closer at the same time he feels more relaxed and confident.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22. Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Hair Washing Glee!

bathtime can be a great time for playlistening

When my son was about 21 months old, he started to hate having water poured over his head when I washed his hair in the bath. He would scream and scream every time, even when I was meticulously careful not to get any suds or water in his eyes.

After a few weeks of this battle, I remembered what Patty told us about Playlistening. One night, during his bath, but before washing his hair, I took the special hair-washing cup and (discreetly making sure it was empty first!) held it upside down over my head. I shrieked, pretended to cry, and shook my head back and forth. My son howled with laughter!

He kept handing me the cup over and over again with a big smile on his face, and he laughed uproariously as I feigned intense distress. In between mock cup-pourings, I would smile at him to let him know I was okay. Gradually my hair got wet from the traces of water in the cup, and he was fascinated to touch my wet hair and rub the top of my head, which was now quite wet.

Later in the bath, when I washed his hair, he clearly did not enjoy it much, but he sat still and did not actually scream. Over the course of the next week or so, I always preceded washing his hair with play-washing mine, complete with loud shrieks and cries. He continued to laugh with abandon, and touch my wet hair with fascination. Now he has taken control of the cup, and insists on being the one to hold it over my head! It took three or four baths, but now he does not object to his hair being washed. In fact, what was once a torture session for both of us, is now one of his most gleeful games. In the evening when I say, “bath time!” he runs into the bathroom to get the cup, and runs over to me with it, laughing and holding it out to me!

- A mother in Pacifica, California

Wanting Mama

a good cry can be the best way to recover a smile

My daughter is 3, and she’s going to pre-school now. My husband and I have recently separated. Ella loves school. She talks about it enthusiastically when she’s at home, and she likes being there, but has a very difficult time when I leave her there. She wraps herself around me, clings tightly, and won’t let me get out the door. This has been going on for awhile.

Yesterday, after we got home from school, she was feisty and cranky. I was fixing her a snack, and I could tell that bad feelings were close to the surface. The last straw for her was that the chair I had set out for her was in the “wrong” place. I knew that this was an opportunity to help her with how she felt, so I didn’t fix it.

She ran across the room, upset about the chair. I went over to sit next to her. She was trying to cry, but wasn’t crying yet–it was a kind of “fake” crying. I sat with her, and told her as gently as I could, “That chair is just in the wrong place,” trying to help her feel her upset fully. She said, “I don’t need you!” and ran away from me. I moved to about 4 feet away from her again, and said, “I’m going to stay nearby, I don’t want to leave you right now.” She kept moving away from me, across the room or into another room, and I kept moving near her again. Each time she became more upset and getting closer to a real cry. Finally, as I moved in towards her she didn’t run away. Instead she lay on the floor kicking and repeating, “I don’t need you!” Then, I said, “I’m sorry I can’t stay with you in the morning at school, but I just can’t.” She began to cry hard. I asked, “Does it make you mad?” She nodded no. I asked, “Does it make you sad?” She nodded no, then she nodded yes, and began to cry really hard. I told her again that I was sorry I couldn’t stay with her in the mornings at school. She kept crying hard, and began to say, “I want Mommy! I want Mommy!” She was sobbing, and she came and curled into my arms and cried hard for awhile. It was lovely to hold her and help her with these feelings. At some point, she just stopped, as though we’d been having a conversation and the subject had changed. That was all.

The next morning, when it was time for me to leave her at school, she ran up to me, gave me a big hug and a kiss, and said, “Bye, Mommy!” and then ran off to play. What a change! I have to tell you that the morning after that, she was feeling things again, and clung to me–I think because our life has been unsettled at home, she isn’t finished with this yet. But it was great to see what a good cry could do for her.

- A mother in San Francisco, California

Transitioning from TV

I believe the studies that suggest that TV isn’t really helpful for children because such passivity occurs for the viewer. Yet, I’d let the viewing get out of hand during a difficult few weeks.

So, even though I wasn’t over my cold yet, I had a good Listening Exchange, in which my listening partner reminded me that I’m a good mom, and I had a chance to release some of my many upsets.

I took courage and asked my husband to fix the cabinet lock for me. The next morning when the kids asked for TV I said lightly, “We’re taking a break from TV!” For a while we just snuggled but within 20 minutes my 4 1/2 -year- old son was sobbing on the floor about not getting to watch TV. This was interesting since his first response to things unpleasant during the heavy TV period was to get angry and loud. Now, with no TV, his sadness was instant.

I took heart, held him, and wondered what the day would be like since it had been an unusually long stretch that we’d watched a lot of videos in our house. I wondered what feelings might have been kept in check due to that distraction.

Within minutes the kids initiated a discussion on what there was to do. And they asked why we were taking a break from TV. I said (as has been discussed between us before) “when we’re watching TV we aren’t really playing, or learning by noticing the world around us. Today we could draw, cut things out of paper, look out the window, or play in the sandbox outside. We could eat breakfast, play — so MANY things!”

They both decided they wanted BIG teddy bear pancakes for breakfast and they both wanted to help. It was fun stirring the batter together. I realized the weeks with TV had halted their usual cooking-with-me time we’d had before. At breakfast my son began crying hard again about “pretexts” such as his pancake wasn’t big enough and then I put his milk in the wrong cup. Previously he had several minutes on the floor crying hard because I chose the wrong pants for him to wear.

I had a few concerns about whether I’d have enough attention for them particularly with my cough and headache–but I was able to kindly say, “I hear you, honey” or even get close for a few moments and put my warm hand on his shoulder. Then my 2 1/2-year-old daughter started in too. She began crying hard because she wanted to “win” at getting to the bathroom door first.

“Oh boy,” I thought, “This is gonna be a day!” But I managed to just be there and not be impatient. I was just thinking to myself that I had a lot of courage to turn off the TV when I’m sick, when to my surprise, my son broke out in song. This is what he sang, complete with hand motions and dance steps — a song from his preschool which he told me later
he’d never sung all by himself before. It’s such a beautiful song with these words:

“Let all the children waken, The sun is in the sky,
Awaken! Awaken! And hear the Cuckoo cry.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Wake up! Be Happy! Wake up Mr. Sun,
The night has gone, The day has begun! “

Tears came to my eyes and I was so GLAD that I cared enough about my kids to turn off that TV. My daughter then stood in front of the mirror and practiced opening one
eye while closing the other. By having time together, feelings and all, rather than virtual time my children had already showed me the interesting ways their minds work. I wasn’t right at their side all day, either. Here is a list of a few of the things they spontaneously did together while I cleaned, wrote, answered the phone and made tea. They made letter shapes out of bead strings, played hide and seek, laughed and hugged, played by the back door, called hello to neighbors.

Turning off the TV and allowing and supporting their feelings (even if not perfectly) immediately opened up possibilities–and the reality of their creativity, intelligence and hopefulness about the day. (Mine too!)

- A mother in Portland, OR

Super-protective Factor: Tales of Parenting by Connection

Nurturing the Parent-Child Connection

Tag Archives: Feelings