Tag Archives: hand in hand parenting

Candy Time!

The talks and negotiations for candy and sweet treats reached an all-time high in the weeks following the holidays. I grew weary of the asking, the begging, the whining. One day when my son asked me for “One more gelt,” (or was it, “One more candy cane?”) I realized I was sick of rationing. Taking a page out of a friend’s book, I instituted a Special Time session called “Candy Time.”

“Hey Joshua, let’s have some Special Time where all we do is eat candy! What do you say?”

“Yeah!” he replied most enthusiastically. We bonded in our united sense of purpose as we pulled every treat we could find out of the cupboard:  holiday treats, marshmallows, fudge, cookies, chocolate chips.

“Don’t forget the raisins Mom,” he said and only then did I realize just how much rationing I’d been doing!

“Okay Josh, here’s the deal, I’m going to set the timer for five minutes and you can have as much of all this stuff as you want, OK?” His eyes lit up and he started unwrapping and arranging as I set the timer.

As I intentionally delighted in all the sugary treats he was ingesting and made comments like, “That one looks so yummy,” and “Doesn’t that taste so good!?” I could see in his eyes how different an experience it was for him to enjoy his treats in a different zone, not the one where I was begrudging him his joy in the sweets, but one where I was making eye contact, smiling, even enjoying his enjoyment.

“Do you want a bite, Mommy?” he offered.

“Sure,” I replied as I took a taste of the fudge, “Mmmm, that is tasty!”

After what seemed like forever, he asked me how much time he had left.

“About two minutes.”

He didn’t rush, he enjoyed every bite, and when the timer did go off he asked if he could eat the last few mini-marshmallows he had lined up. I agreed and we put everything away.

Now he asks for “Candy Time” about once a week. Sometimes he asks more frequently and I say, “Yes,” or “No.” But, interestingly, it doesn’t seem to be a problem the times when I do say “No.”

-Sarah MacLaughlin is a Hand in Hand Instructor in Training who also blogs at http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/

Intense Emotions and Solid Engagement – With the Magic Number Fifteen

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of hanging out (aka Special Time) turned out to be the magic formula for my then fifteen-year old daughter on this particular Sunday evening.

My daughter was in a crabby mood. She had just started a class in political science at the local community college, having signed up for it because she cares deeply about social and environmental justice. But the thought of having to do homework must have been nagging her and weighing her down. In the afternoon she had sung with her choir group in a wonderful performance and the music was still reverberating in her mind (and mine). There was no space in her mind to focus on homework. Yet, it had to be done. She had to read her textbook and then do an online quiz.

Finally, she started reading the required material. And then it happened. The tears started pouring down. The material in the textbook had moved her and allowed her to release her pent-up emotions. All of the crabbiness was a layer that eventually gave way to real feelings that had been waiting to come out. She was convinced that nothing anyone could do on this planet could ever set right all the wrongs done by humanity, both to humanity in general and to the planet at large. “Human beings have destroyed this planet. The rich get richer. How can they be so greedy? How can they do this knowing that so many people are suffering? Why are they destroying everything around them and the human race itself?”

There were intense emotions. It all came pouring out. It was now late in the night and I was tired. She needed to wake up very early the next day for another class. I was feeling the pressure of her needing to get some sleep. But I knew from past experience that if I focused on her sleep rather than on her feelings, then neither would get addressed! So, despite my own tiredness, I fortunately managed to listen to her feelings. I didn’t tell her that things would get better, which I sometimes do. Instead of reassuring her, I simply gave her my full attention with love, just listened to her, and shared the sorrow about the amount of injustice in the world. I found myself crying too, though I didn’t want her to be distracted by my tears. Thank goodness my tears didn’t seem to interfere with her emotional process. Perhaps she even found it supportive to know that I felt the injustice too.

After about fifteen minutes of this, when I asked if she wanted to go out and get some fresh air, she came out willingly. Although I had suggested the idea, the rest of the time definitely felt like Special Time, because I let her direct the walk around the neighborhood. The air was cool and invigorating. She noticed a tree that neither of us had noticed before that had fruit that neither of us recognized. She skipped with a lighthearted gait. I just enjoyed watching her and being with her. She noticed a little toddler going for a walk with her mother. We were both captivated by the daughter’s cute and determined footsteps, so we crossed the street to say Hi. And I delighted in how my daughter interacted with the toddler. Apparently the mother had tried all sorts of ways to get her daughter to eat her dinner, but had finally resorted to taking her for a walk while trying to feed her at the same time! We soon continued on our walk. There was more light-hearted skipping and talking. For a short while, my daughter’s mood shifted again and became a bit heavy, but she shook it off. The outside air sure did help with that. And after fifteen minutes of walking, we were back home again.

Shortly after that she took a quick shower and came back down to finish reading the assigned chapters in the book. She asked me about Ponzi schemes, hedge funds, and other economic and financial matters mentioned in her textbook. I was pleased that her mind was re-engaging in the material and gladly discussed it all with her. Now that she had managed to release those yucky feelings, she was finally able to think straight! Soon she disappeared into her room again to finish reading the text. She came down shortly after that again and told me confidently that she was ready to take the assigned online quiz. It took her fifteen minutes to do the quiz and she aced it!  She felt so pleased with herself and I was so glad for that.

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of Special Time. That was the magic formula for that day!

Of course, she still needed to wake up very early the next morning and I worried that she was not getting enough sleep. But she went to bed with a clear mind and a light heart. And I couldn’t have been more pleased about that!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Staylistening with a Six-Month-Old Twin

I have a friend who has twin girls. Ever since they were born one of the twins (the second to be born) was labeled the more difficult one. She cried more than her twin sister, she ate less, and was not very easy to please. When they were about six months old, I was visiting the family, and when I held each of the girls in my arms, I could clearly see the difference in the way each of them looked at me. The older twin could look straight into my eyes and drink in my gaze, whereas her sister hardly made eye contact with me at all, and kept moving her gaze from one point to the other. I could tell that she was upset and stressed.

When it was time for her to sleep I volunteered to settle her, and she was clearly not going to fall asleep easily. I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to listen to her, and see if it would help to support her as she cried some of her upsets away. I showed her the bed, and she cried when she figured out that a nap was expected. As she cried, I listened and reassured her. 

Her mother soon came to try and sooth her with a bottle, then a pacifier, but she was not hungry and refused these distractions. I held her in my arms, offered gentle eye contact, and  told her, phrase by phrase, “You’re safe now. It’s O.K. I’m going to be here with you. You are a wonderful girl.” I wasn’t doing a lot of talking. Mostly, I held her gently, looked at her warmly and lovingly, and let her do the rest. She cried really hard, perspired, arched her back, and tightened her little muscles as she moved. I made sure that her mom came to the room off and on so her daughter could see that Mommy was still there. She kept crying hard like this for 30 minutes, and then for 10 more minutes she cried hard in spurts. She would calm down, and then cry a little bit more. At the end of those 40 minutes she fell asleep. I had to leave before she woke up.

My friend, the mother of the twins, called me later that evening to tell me in astonishment about the remarkable change she noticed in her younger twin’s behavior. She was very calm, smiled often (which she would rarely do before), and was mostly content. In the next few days, she was exceptionally responsive to everyone around her, including her twin sister, who had been constantly trying, unsuccessfully, to connect with her sister before.

My use of the listening tools started when my girls were 5 and 9, so I didn’t get to offer them Staylistening support when they were babies. I was really excited to see how this tool worked so beautifully with an infant. Although I’ve heard about it before, it was fascinating to notice that she needed someone to listen to her and then, to see the results for myself. 

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

We Cancel Christmas Presents

I’m a single mother. I have very little money — sometimes it’s a struggle just to pay the rent. Last year, my parents were going to be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in New York, and our whole family was going to gather. The celebration was scheduled for January, and I really wanted to be there with my two children (they were 10 and 12).

There was no way we were going to be able to pay for tickets to New York and have Christmas gifts too. No way. I’ve done a lot of thinking and working through my feelings about my parenting and about our financial situation in Listening Partnerships over the years, and I’ve been able to stop feeling like I’m a bad Mom if I don’t have extra money. I am a good mother!

So I sat down with my children, and told them about the gathering and who we would see there. I was excited about the trip, and I conveyed that to them. And I told them, with enthusiasm, that we were going, but it meant that we weren’t going to have presents at Christmas. We could give each other one gift each. It could cost no more than $5. That would be our rule.

They were totally fine with this. I couldn’t believe it. And guess what! This was the very best Christmas we have ever had. I wasn’t running around like crazy beforehand. After years of stressing about Christmas, this one was a relief! A big relief! I wasn’t stressing about money. I wasn’t feeling bad about the things I couldn’t afford for them. On Christmas Day, we opened our gifts — they were so thoughtful with what they got me and each other — and then we relaxed. We went to the park, played, and had a nice little dinner together. It was the best day! My kids were absolutely fine about it — not one complaint.

And we had a great time in New York!

- a mom in Berkeley, CA

Waffles and Wiggles

One morning, my 3-year-old said, “I am my brother, not me,” while I was busy getting my older son ready for school.  Ah, a sign of something coming, I thought.  I squatted at his level to acknowledge him, but could not stop for more than a short minute.

Then, my younger son started complaining, “I don’t want the waffle cut in half!”  Ah, a louder signal.  I still couldn’t pay attention to him, though I did make eye contact with him. I was still  busy with my older son.

Then I told him that he needed to change out of his pajamas.  He said, “I don’t want to change!  I want a Batman costume.”  However, he wouldn’t change into the Batman costume which I handed to him.  He threw that away.

Then, he was sitting in front of the clothes drawer, unable to make up his mind what to wear.

He was bouncing around.  A sure sign of disconnection, I thought.

I was busy packing my older son’s lunch, and didn’t have the time and attention to Staylisten for more than a couple of minutes.

So when my older son went off to school, I offered Special Time for half an hour.

First, my son disappeared for a minute as he sometimes did during Special Time.  I begged, “Please don’t go!  Please come back!”  Then he smiled, waved good-bye and left the room.  In a minute, he came back.

Then we covered ourselves under a blanket and played with flashlights.  Lots of laughter.That turned into a physical play.  He wanted to be up side down.  So I held his feet and lifted him up.  A head stand.  He wanted me to tumble over too.  More laughter.

When the time was up, he went and changed his clothes before I even noticed.

And he ate the same waffle he had rejected because I had cut it in half.  I said, just to be sure, “I am sorry I cut it in a way you didn’t like.  How is it?”

He was busy eating, and he said, “Good!”

Overcoming Stage Fright with Stay Listening

The evening before my 7-year-old daughter had her audition for a community theater production, she asked me, “Why do I have to go to the audition?” I reminded her that she had enjoyed her theater experience the previous year and had wanted to sign up for this year’s show. Her tone instantly became more strident: “I want to quit! I didn’t really want to do it!” Ah! I recalled how scary the audition had been for her last year. So perhaps she needed me to listen closely. We went back and forth for 20 to 30 minutes. She grew increasingly desperate and angry, shouting that I was forcing her to do something she no longer wanted to do and that I was not listening to her. I reassured her that while I knew it was challenging and scary, I was confident with her preparation and from her prior experience that she would do fine in her audition.

I must admit that when she burst into tears, I felt wobbly and wondered, “Maybe this is truly how she feels, and she’s not just letting off anxiety. Maybe I should let her quit now.” I decided to keep giving her warmth and closeness as she yelled about how mean I was being and that it is her life so she should make the decision.

After a while, she petered out and transitioned to something else. I felt the change in her energy, and we went about going to bed. I went to sleep wondering whether the next morning would bring more of the same and we’d end up e-mailing the director to cancel her audition.

From the moment she opened her eyes the next day, she was all smiles. When it was time to drive to the audition, she immediately took her dad’s hand and went to the car without one word of complaint. Later, she reported that the audition was fine and that she was excited for the show. For the past month, she has been rehearsing most weekends, and her attitude is always cheerful and upbeat. Perhaps she may need more listening and connection as we approach the first show next month. I will be ready!

I am so grateful to Hand in Hand. Without the insight into how children’s emotions work, I would have been much more likely to take her words at face value and let her drop out. It’s hard to have your child accuse you of being insensitive! With my training in Parenting By Connection, I was able not to be triggered by her outburst and to give her the warmth and love she needed in order to release her feelings.

Setting Limits Around Buying Stuff

We had all been excited about watching the Olympic torch run past our house. My 6-year-old son had been particularly excited about it, as he had been working on the Olympics at his school and was interested in the topic. He was keen to get out onto the road and was concerned we might miss it. We were on the pavement with half an hour to spare, waiting for the Olympic torch to run by us. My son waited with some excitement and a little concern that he wouldn’t see what was happening. Crowds were growing, but we had a good spot with a wall to sit on so we could see what was happening. Finally the torchbearer ran by as we clapped and waved.

After the runner ran past, my son and 8-year-old daughter wanted to run along with the torch for a bit. I followed them and when I caught up with them, my son began asking me repeatedly for some Olympic merchandise that other children were waving and wearing – a fake gold medal and a green ribbon on a stick to wave. I had bought them a flag each to wave when we’d first gotten to the road and didn’t have the money or inclination to buy more. Also, I’ve noticed that this is a pattern for my son to always want to buy something more. I guessed that if I bought some more stuff it would end up on the floor in the evening, and I would feel some resentment.

So I set a limit kindly. I got down to his eye level and kindly said, “No, we’re not buying any more Olympic things now.” By now we were in a pedestrian mall. My sister was with us and could go ahead with my daughter, so I asked if we could catch up with them in a bit and I stayed with my son, who had jammed himself against the doorway of a sports shop filled with Olympic mascots.

He started to get angry and said he would bite me if I didn’t buy something for him.  I was a bit surprised by his vehemence but said I wouldn’t let him hurt me. He tried to kick out at me so I gently held his leg and said I wouldn’t let him hurt me. He kept asking for me to buy him something, and that I had to buy him something. I gently said I wasn’t going to buy any other Olympic things today. As we stayed there together and I repeated the limit kindly, his anger turned into tears and he said he wanted something he could keep forever.

I really heard him on this. I could empathise with his feelings of excitement, and then the disappointment as it was all over so quickly. It also sounded to me like the urge to buy something was covering up some deeper feelings of loss. I felt a lot of empathy with him at this point. I had struggled with the anger, but had been able to keep calm and loving as I was consciously practicing bringing a loving limit, trusting that it would be useful to him longer term than a piece of Olympic junk that would be forgotten or broken by the next day. He cried and I stayed with him, listening. In time, he was ready to go and join the others. As we joined the others he was in a cheerful mood.

That evening I went to a yoga class and said goodbye to him with a warm hug and a kiss and let him know that I’d be back later on. He followed me downstairs and wanted to give me another hug and blew me lots of kisses and waved as I left. I felt his warmth and affection and thought of what I had read in Patty’s writing, how even when your warm attention does not seem to be “going in,” it will leave an impression. In my son’s warm, affectionate goodbye I felt a connection that had been built between us by setting the limit, and holding it lovingly. I get a sense this was just the beginning of an emotional project that my son may need to do around old feelings of loss, and the connection he’s made with buying things to make himself feel good. What was amazing to watch was how the whole town seemed to be in the grip of a similar “control pattern,” as Aletha Solter terms it. The sports shops were crammed full of people that afternoon who’d just finished watching the torch go by and were trying to fill themselves up with things to buy!

—Anna Cole, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor (living in the UK)

Anna Cole

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

“I Hate Oatmeal!”

My husband was making a pot of oatmeal for breakfast last weekend, and it was time for the family to come to the table.  But our 8-year-old son saw that the oatmeal wasn’t the kind he usually has, and he started saying, “I hate that oatmeal!” My husband responded, “Well, that’s what there is for breakfast.  It is either that or nothing!”And our son said, “I want the oatmeal I always have! I hate that kind!” I was quietly listening to the conflict. Our son left the table screaming and yelling and very upset.  He kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

My husband was getting a little upset too, and suggested, “If you don’t want to eat this oatmeal and you want to act like this, then you can go to your room, please!” At this point I saw our son going to his room alone, and I told my husband I could take it from there. I followed him into his room, and said, “Hey, you really hate this oatmeal, don’t you?” Our son said, “Yeah!” and started yelling and screaming even more.  “I hate always doing what you want me to do!”

Soon he became physical and I needed to hold his arm and to keep a safe distance so that his hitting and kicking would not land on me.

I kept saying, “You hate this oatmeal!” and he kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

I kept blocking the hitting, and his kicking and hitting continued while he kept hating the oatmeal. Then, all of a sudden, he started laughing while still kicking. When I heard his laughter, I felt assured that I was doing the right thing by allowing him to let off steam and to be understood.  His little brother was relieved at seeing this too.
Then, together, my son and I alternated between stomping our feet around the room, chanting, “I hate this oatmeal!” and him doing protected kicking and hitting. We wound up laughing until we both fell on the floor. Finally, our son stopped and said, “I am ready to eat my oatmeal now!”
And he ate the whole bowl of oatmeal and even had a second!  He was cheerful all morning after that. Today, a week later, we asked him if he would like to have some oatmeal. He saw that it was the kind he had hated so much a week ago. He answered, “Oh, I like this kind of oatmeal!”
–A Parent in a Skillbuilding Class

Helping a Neighbor to be More Thoughtful Around Young Ones

When my two little cousins, ages three and one-and-a-half, came to live with me for several months, I learned that sometimes the adults they came in contact with were not that thoughtful about how to connect. This was true of one of my neighbors, who would say things to the children that often provoked an angry response from the three-year-old, who didn’t want to engage in conversation. I felt badly for my young cousin, and at the same time embarrassed by her direct reproach of my neighbor.

One Saturday morning an opportunity presented itself to turn things around. She and I were outside our apartment in the courtyard having Special Time, and her favorite game at the time was Simon Says. She loved being able to tell me what to do and watching me put my hands up or stomp my feet in response to her commands.

Our neighbor heard us playing and came outside to see what was going on. I took the risk of asking him to join us in a game of Simon Says, and explained to him how to play it. Sure enough, he stomped his feet, turned around or moved his hands based on her requests. She squealed with laughter at watching our neighbor respond to her direction. And he seemed pleasantly surprised to see her laughing instead of getting angry at him.

After this interaction with him, she became interested in knowing his name and was happy to see him on other days. He seemed to understand much better that engaging in play was a good way to interact with young people and started coming outside with a ball, which both children enjoyed.

- By Ellie Hidalgo, Los Angeles, California

Olive Oil and Band-aids: When Playing Stretches your Budget

In one of Patty Wipfler’s talks about Special Time, a question was asked by a mother about what to do if you child breaks something during rigorous play. Patty observed that sometimes children want to engage in experiments that might lead to something breaking or some other material resource being used up. She suggested that the parent think about how much of an expense was OK in order to allow children more freedom to explore and experiment.

No sooner had I heard this talk, than my two little cousins who lived with me for several months began to challenge me to think about this too.

One evening while the three of us were playing, my one-and-a-half year old cousin walked into the kitchen and managed to get hold of a bottle of olive oil without my seeing this. I was engaged in a game with his sister, and when I went into the kitchen to see where he had gone, he was delightedly pouring the bottle of olive oil onto a dustpan in the middle of the kitchen floor.

A shot of anger and frustration ran through my body, but the next second I caught a glimpse of his face, so happy to be looking at this oil and observing how it slowly poured out. I then thought of Patty’s words, and thought to myself “OK, the cost of this oil can go into our play budget.” This fresh perspective allowed me to relax and to not be harsh towards him. I put the rest of the bottle away and we cleaned up the floor with lots of paper towels. And I was pleased to be able to be relaxed about the whole incident.

A couple of days later his sister wanted a band-aid, and after giving her one, she wanted another and then another. Then she put one on her brother and the two of them started giggling and wanting to put more band-aids on each other. Again, I was able to choose to allow them to experiment with all the band-aids they wanted, and mentally threw the cost of the band-aids into our play budget. The next day I went to a 99-cent store and bought another box of band-aids so they could continue this game, which they did.

A few days later, when she and I were playing Special Time, I asked her what she wanted to play. She enthusiastically said she wanted to cut up our leftover birthday wrapping paper and Christmas wrapping paper. Again, these are items I generally would have stored away for another use. Instead we “wasted” the paper, and she was thrilled to be cutting out snowmen and practicing how to use her scissors.

What I learned from all this was to come up with a dollar figure in my mind that I could afford to put towards our play budget each week. This has allowed me to be more generous and relaxed with my young cousins as they creatively invent their own games using ordinary things around my home. And while the children have plenty of store-bought toys to play with, it is their homemade games that often bring about the most laughter.

- By Ellie Hidalgo, Los Angeles, California