Tag Archives: Listening Skills

The Weekend of Special Time Allows A More Peaceful Home

Hi Patty,

My son is the type of child who commands a lot of me. A lot of hugs, a lot of one-on-one time, a lot of attention, a lot of limit setting, a lot of time with him before bed in his room, a lot of everything. However, I have two younger children who also need their mother.

Often times my son will walk by his siblings and push them down or punch them on their backs or yell in their faces. If they are doing something that irritates him, he will get extremely close and ball up his fists and visibly shake with anger.

At this point I always step in because I know where it would lead. We’ve tried Playlistening multiple times (he doesn’t open up much at all), we wrestle, we snuggle vigorously. Many times when I suggest that my son and I have Special Time he often says, “ok, what would YOU like to do? You pick something.” I point out to him that the point of Special Time is to let him lead, but there are times where I come up with something because there would be no Special Time if I didn’t.

I’m yelling way more that I want to and because of this, I feel extremely guilty. I’ve often felt irritated and annoyed by the situation. What I need help with the most is helping my son to manage his behaviors in a more appropriate way. He just gets so angry at the smallest things and he can’t keep his hands to himself. Please help!

-Baffled by Behavior

Hi Baffled,

Sounds like your son has a big emotional project going here, and you’ve been patient beyond patience.

I think that he’s aching to cry hard in your arms, but is too “tight” to do that. The behaviors stick out all over, but you didn’t mention him crying hard in your arms, and fighting and squirming and feeling like your touch and your attention is awful, everything is awful. That’s the kind of release he probably needs. It’s described well in the “Healing Children’s Fears” of our booklet set, or you can join us for our “Overcoming Fears Through Play” teleseminar this month.

He needs enough added reassurance that he can soften on the inside, relax a little, and eventually, cry hard with you about wanting your undivided attention, and offload the feelings (separation anxiety, I would suppose, because he’s not the only child any longer, and he feels needy every time he sees you mothering a sibling–a very common upset for siblings).

I would set up a good long time together, just with him, on a weekend when someone else can take the younger two. Some of this can be Special Time, but don’t try to do hours of Special Time–no adult can come through with 100% attention for hours like that. Just maybe 1/2 hour of Special Time, but then stay with him, and have some arrangement for the other children. Or, another means of reassurance is to sleep with him for a week or two, and then propose to sleep again in your own bed. This will allow a different outlet for his fears around separation. Propose to get up from his bed, and listen to him cry. Propose, and listen. Propose, and listen.

Then, with some energy to spare, bring him back into the family situation, and be totally alert for the first hint of upset with a sibling. Move in, put your arms around him softly, and bring the limit, and yourself. The feel of your attention so recently may help him to get to tears, or to get to fighting and struggling in your arms, which is what most likely needs to happen.

You don’t want to blow all your energy in the time together. Spend 2/3 or your energy with him in this separate sweet time, and save 1/3 of it for the explosions to follow. I would repeat this weekend after weekend until he has unpacked some of this backup of feelings and worries there. The things you can say to him while he struggles and cries are something like this,

“Even when I can’t be with you, I still love you.”
“I have plenty of love for you and the little ones.”
“I know this is hard. I know.”
“You are special to me.”
“You are my beautiful son. My beautiful son.”
“I”m never going to stop loving you. No matter what.”

And, if he has just blown up because you looked at or talked to a sibling, after listening to his upset for a good while, you can go ahead and help him with that precise upset, but saying calmly, “I know this will be hard, but I’m going to look at your little brother now.”

If his feelings intensify, keep your gaze on him, but keep proposing that you will look at his brother. This allows a very safe time and place to face how awful it feels to have you look at anyone but him. It’s separation work, and very necessary for him. Keep proposing that you will look away, but stay with him, until he can agree that it’s OK. It could be a whole hour, and that would be so helpful to him. Propose, and listen. Propose, and listen. He will work and work and work on his feelings about having you look at and pay attention to his siblings. If you’re interested in developing the Listening Tools further, we offer a six-week course specifically for parents of siblings that gives a complete toolbox for working with your child’s emotions.

Hope this is helpful.

Patty Wipfler

Hair Washing Glee!

bathtime can be a great time for playlistening

When my son was about 21 months old, he started to hate having water poured over his head when I washed his hair in the bath. He would scream and scream every time, even when I was meticulously careful not to get any suds or water in his eyes.

After a few weeks of this battle, I remembered what Patty told us about Playlistening. One night, during his bath, but before washing his hair, I took the special hair-washing cup and (discreetly making sure it was empty first!) held it upside down over my head. I shrieked, pretended to cry, and shook my head back and forth. My son howled with laughter!

He kept handing me the cup over and over again with a big smile on his face, and he laughed uproariously as I feigned intense distress. In between mock cup-pourings, I would smile at him to let him know I was okay. Gradually my hair got wet from the traces of water in the cup, and he was fascinated to touch my wet hair and rub the top of my head, which was now quite wet.

Later in the bath, when I washed his hair, he clearly did not enjoy it much, but he sat still and did not actually scream. Over the course of the next week or so, I always preceded washing his hair with play-washing mine, complete with loud shrieks and cries. He continued to laugh with abandon, and touch my wet hair with fascination. Now he has taken control of the cup, and insists on being the one to hold it over my head! It took three or four baths, but now he does not object to his hair being washed. In fact, what was once a torture session for both of us, is now one of his most gleeful games. In the evening when I say, “bath time!” he runs into the bathroom to get the cup, and runs over to me with it, laughing and holding it out to me!

- A mother in Pacifica, California

Transitioning from TV

(C) Wynand Delport 2008

I believe the studies that suggest that TV isn’t really helpful for children because such passivity occurs for the viewer. Yet, I’d let the viewing get out of hand during a difficult few weeks.

So, even though I wasn’t over my cold yet, I had a good Listening Exchange, in which my listening partner reminded me that I’m a good mom, and I had a chance to release some of my many upsets.

I took courage and asked my husband to fix the cabinet lock for me. The next morning when the kids asked for TV I said lightly, “We’re taking a break from TV!” For a while we just snuggled but within 20 minutes my 4 1/2 -year- old son was sobbing on the floor about not getting to watch TV. This was interesting since his first response to things unpleasant during the heavy TV period was to get angry and loud. Now, with no TV, his sadness was instant.

I took heart, held him, and wondered what the day would be like since it had been an unusually long stretch that we’d watched a lot of videos in our house. I wondered what feelings might have been kept in check due to that distraction.

Within minutes the kids initiated a discussion on what there was to do. And they asked why we were taking a break from TV. I said (as has been discussed between us before) “when we’re watching TV we aren’t really playing, or learning by noticing the world around us. Today we could draw, cut things out of paper, look out the window, or play in the sandbox outside. We could eat breakfast, play — so MANY things!”

They both decided they wanted BIG teddy bear pancakes for breakfast and they both wanted to help. It was fun stirring the batter together. I realized the weeks with TV had halted their usual cooking-with-me time we’d had before. At breakfast my son began crying hard again about “pretexts” such as his pancake wasn’t big enough and then I put his milk in the wrong cup. Previously he had several minutes on the floor crying hard because I chose the wrong pants for him to wear.

I had a few concerns about whether I’d have enough attention for them particularly with my cough and headache–but I was able to kindly say, “I hear you, honey” or even get close for a few moments and put my warm hand on his shoulder. Then my 2 1/2-year-old daughter started in too. She began crying hard because she wanted to “win” at getting to the bathroom door first.

“Oh boy,” I thought, “This is gonna be a day!” But I managed to just be there and not be impatient. I was just thinking to myself that I had a lot of courage to turn off the TV when I’m sick, when to my surprise, my son broke out in song. This is what he sang, complete with hand motions and dance steps — a song from his preschool which he told me later
he’d never sung all by himself before. It’s such a beautiful song with these words:

“Let all the children waken, The sun is in the sky,
Awaken! Awaken! And hear the Cuckoo cry.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Wake up! Be Happy! Wake up Mr. Sun,
The night has gone, The day has begun! “

Tears came to my eyes and I was so GLAD that I cared enough about my kids to turn off that TV. My daughter then stood in front of the mirror and practiced opening one
eye while closing the other. By having time together, feelings and all, rather than virtual time my children had already showed me the interesting ways their minds work. I wasn’t right at their side all day, either. Here is a list of a few of the things they spontaneously did together while I cleaned, wrote, answered the phone and made tea. They made letter shapes out of bead strings, played hide and seek, laughed and hugged, played by the back door, called hello to neighbors.

Turning off the TV and allowing and supporting their feelings (even if not perfectly) immediately opened up possibilities–and the reality of their creativity, intelligence and hopefulness about the day. (Mine too!)

- A mother in Portland, OR

Repairing a Relationship

(C) Luis Brito 2009

Last night my son, 4.5 years old, was playing with this toy that made an odd noise when he shook it.  For some reason the dog was really irritated by the noise.  My son shook the toy for the third time and the dog came over all agitated and went towards my son’s face in a threatening, “If you do that again I might just have to bite you” kind of manner.

I was alarmed at the dog, and my first reaction was to get him down and away from my son “Wally, down!” I said sternly and grabbed him by the collar to get him to back off. Then to my son, “Hey, you see how Wally’s really upset, you can’t shake that again!”

Well, a moment later my son did it again.  This time he laughed a little as the dog came towards him.

Now things got a bit chaotic. As I was telling the dog to get down, my partner came over all puffed up, clearly annoyed at our son.

“NO you can NOT do that again. STOP now, you hear me,” he yelled.

I felt the tension rise in me. I was all upset too, now, and glared at my partner, thinking, “Where did that come from?  What are you doing, yelling at him?!”

My son burst into tears.

My partner shouted again, “You can’t DO that!”

I stepped in to try and stop the shouting, saying in as calm a voice as I could muster, “It’s okay. I’ll make sure he doesn’t do it again, you go back and do the cooking.”

“I’m not going to do it again,” my son sobbed.

My partner went back to the cooking.

I listened to my son cry, every now and again saying, “I’m so sorry he shouted at you. He didn’t want to, it just popped out of him. It’s not your fault.”

A few minutes later my partner came back looking sad and disappointed in himself.  He reached out and touched my son’s foot but my son growled loudly at him, “GRRRR!”  My partner walked away looking dejected. But the growling brought a smile to my face and helped me to think a little better.

Recently our son’s been playing lots of games about being scared, so I said playfully, “Oooh! Look! I think he’s scared of you.”

Luckily my partner was quick to catch on and made a scared-looking face. My son growled again. This time my partner went and hid behind an armchair and our son got up and chased after him growling, “Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrr!” There was more chasing and growling and after a little while our son was jumping on his Dad’s back and a play fight broke out. They rolled around on the floor with some laughter and giggles.

It felt so good to have helped turn this pretty ugly situation into one of closeness and laughter for all of us.

Today at preschool our son made a special “shouting box” out of cardboard and sticky tape. When his Dad came home from work he gently said, “If you are going to shout could you tell me first and I’ll go and get the box and you can shout into that instead.”  I thought his was wonderful! He was confident and thinking well enough to do something to try and help his Dad to stop shouting.

- a mum in New South Wales, Australia

The “Wrong” Sippy Cup

Last night, my son (27 months) was having a typical evening, in a pretty good mood generally but, as usual, resisted having his teeth brushed. I brushed them just a little bit, let him brush them the rest himself, and then it was time for books in bed. He requested some water, which I typically allow. I went to the kitchen and came back with a straw cup/water bottle for him. I usually use this type of cup in the bedroom to avoid spills.

When my son saw the cup, he started a tantrum. I guess he had wanted a sippy cup or regular cup instead, but I still don’t know for sure what was wrong with this water. I got in close and started listening. I said, “Brandon doesn’t want this water. This is not the right water,” and this helped him release some more. He picked up the cup and threw it. It seemed to be an effective way to express his emotion, so, as I listened, I picked up the cup, gave it back to him and encouraged him to throw it again. Each time he threw it, he really raged and tantrumed hard. We repeated this many times. I listened, and every time the crying started to subside a little, I gave him the bottle and said, “Let’s throw it again.” He really expressed anger throwing the bottle. Sometimes, he threw it really hard and I was like, “Yeah, that’s it.”

He was getting sweaty, sometimes his face was a bit purple, and he yawned periodically. I stayed close. He occasionally asked me to hold his hand, and I did. In a very calm voice, I said things like, “I’m right here,” “Mommy’s with you,” “You’re doing a great/wonderful job,” “Everything is fine,” “Everything’s OK,” “I know,” “You’re such a brave boy,” “I love you so much,” and sometimes just “Yeah,” to let him know I was close (since his eyes were often closed) and calm but not to interfere too much with words.

A lot of the time he was lying on his back on the floor. At one point, I had my arm out near his feet as he kicked and kicked and kicked at my arm. He told me to move my arm. I wasn’t sure whether to move it or not. At first I moved it a little, but then I thought, there’s nothing unsafe about my arm being here, so I said, “Mommy’s going to stay with Brandon,” and then, when he asked me to move my arm again, I said, “Mommy’s arm will stay with Brandon.”

Then, at one point, the tantrum subsided a bit, and I gave him the water bottle to throw. He didn’t want to throw it and instead wanted me to open the straw part so he could drink. He didn’t seem 100% through the tantrum, but mostly so. I opened it and he drank some water. I thought, oh, maybe he is finished. But actually he was just taking a break and continued his tantrum after his drink.

After a while longer (the whole thing was probably 30 minutes), it subsided, and we were lying on the floor looking into each other’s eyes. I started telling him about what I see in his eyes, white and black and brown. He was interested and wanted to look in the mirror at his eyes. We did that for a few minutes, then got in bed to read “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.” He was in a light mood, very engaged, and asking questions. We have read that book many times, but for the first time he asked a bunch of questions, including “Mommy, what does glad mean?” (where the book says, “Some are sad and some are glad and some are very very bad”). I said it means happy and pointed to the picture of the “glad” fish. He said “Yeah!” and smiled. I said I was happy and asked if he was happy and he said “Yeah.” He also wanted to pretend we were fish in the bed and I was the mommy fish pushing the baby fish in the shopping cart (like the picture in the book of the “new” fish). We had a fun time with that and soon he fell asleep easily.

Recently in listening time I had been working on the pressure I put on myself to be perfect at everything I do, in particular parenting. I knew that this tension was getting in my way of connecting, and addressing it in my listening time allowed me to relax more while with Brandon. Brandon had not gone into a big tantrum for a while, and it’s possible that my recent more relaxed vibe with him allowed the trust and connection for this intense session to happen. I felt calm and connected with him during the tantrum. I never took his anger personally, or considered it to be directed at me, and I never wondered whether I should go get a different cup.

Encouraging him to throw the cup I think was helpful. It put the anger on something other than me, and I felt we were partnered. I was helping him release his anger, like I would help a listening partner, without personal investment or guilt getting in the way.

–a mother in Palo Alto, CA

Helping a Child Say Good-bye to her Mom

(C) Horton Group 2006

I had been playing with a mother and her 4-year old daughter at a PlayMorning. We were having a good time together. The mother wanted to do a short listening exchange with another parent, out of sight of her daughter, but in the same building. The daughter did not like this idea and cried for her mommy not to leave her.

Her mom told me that her daughter often had a hard time with goodbyes. We decided to have her mother delay leaving, so she could stay and listen to her daughter. We did listen. I stayed close, to build the connection that comes through listening well to someone. The daughter sat in her mother’s lap, and her mother did a beautiful job of alternating between letting her know she loved her and saying that soon she was going to go to the next room for a few minutes.

I stayed close and gave them both my attention. After about 10 minutes of crying, the daughter was able to allow her mother to put her in my lap. The moment of separation had come, and she was going to be brave and let her mother go. I could see that she still wasn’t really happy. So again, rather than having her mom go away quickly, I suggested that we practice her departure. Both liked the idea. The mom walked away just a few feet, turned and smiled at her daughter.

The daughter and I held hands and we took two little steps further away from mom, stopped, and counted to five on our fingers. Two more steps, count to five again, and, once again, two more steps, count to five. I asked her how she was feeling. She said, “Fine” and then said her mom could go now. The mom left, and the daughter and I played together. She chased me and then had a great time throwing little pillows at me. She had played cautiously around the edges of the room earlier in the morning. When the mom finished her listening time and returned, her daughter was right in the middle of things, happy, engaged and carefree.

At the end of the PlayMorning, the daughter began to cry because she did not want the PlayMorning to end. The mother listened to her daughter once again, and reassured her that they would come back another time. Her sadness cleared much more quickly than before, and we had a sweet good bye. It was great to listen to her share her concerns about her mother leaving for a short time, see that she felt safe enough with me and the others there to play hard and have fun, and then see that she felt so close to her mother and to the people she’d been playing with that she didn’t want to stop.

— a mother in Berkeley, CA

Listening through a Homework Challenge

My daughter was given a month to learn all the states and their capitals. She’s in fifth grade. About two weeks before the due date, she had learned some states, but not many, and I made the suggestion that we work together. I offered to help her learn groups of about six states at a time, thinking that this would help her meet the deadline.

After she memorized the first six, she got completely overwhelmed. She felt she couldn’t possibly learn all the states, and she had a huge cry. Then she proceeded to learn the second set of six states and capitals, but again she felt that this was too much for her. She had another long cry. She kept saying, “I’ll never learn this. I just can’t do it!” She also got mad at me for having this particular idea of how to learn the states, and cried about my “interference.” I was somewhat confused by this, and wondered if I had gotten too involved in this assignment.

Somewhere between the third and fourth set of six states, she again felt hopeless about learning them all, and had a third big cry. Each cry she had went on for a half hour or more. She felt she could never do the assignment, and expressed frustration and anger at me, at the assignment, and at the world. I knew that the crying would help her eventually, so I kept listening and wondering how this was all going to turn out.

After the third cry, everything changed. All of a sudden, she learned the next sets of states quickly and easily. She took on a set of 18 states and capitals, and did them all at once. Three days before the test, she asked me to quiz her on them, and she knew them all! She was ecstatic, and I think there was a part of her that was amazed that she had done something she was sure she never could do. She was absolutely proud of herself.

The day before the test, she was completely confident that she would get 100%, and she was actually looking forward to the test! She usually showed a lot of anxiety around tests, so I’d never seen her like this before. After the test was over, she expressed dismay that it was over, and she told me that she wished she could do it again! She has referred to it again and again as one of the major learning feats of her life, and she has thanked me profusely for my help with the project, saying that she never could have done it without me. It was so helpful to me to see this whole process work!

“I Need the Rescue Squad!”

Photo (C) Andrea Kratzenberg 2009

I was in a listening session with my phone group, and I just broke down with a feeling of being totally overwhelmed by all I have taken on in my life. Day job, launching a book/business, parenting, nurturing my self and my marriage, keeping on top of household tasks, etc.

The list goes on.  And, my son was sick. Again.

As I cried, I remembered the recent Hand in Hand blog post about the Traveling Rescue Squad. Several sobs in I cried, “I need the Rescue Squad!”

My call facilitator replied with a resounding, “Yes!”

“Tell us what we can take off your plate,” she suggested.

Even though it felt a bit silly, I went with it, “Okay, you can have my day job!” I said loudly. “It is not what I want to focus on. I don’t want to provide Band-aids. I want to help people. I want to provide information and help build skills!”

“What else can we do for you?” she probed.

“Well, you can have the laundry, and all the cleaning. I hate cleaning.” It felt great even to just imagine handing over the tasks I dislike.

“What else?”

“You can have the dishes too, and my husband’s plowing duties. We’ve had so much snow.”

“What else?”

“Sometimes, you can take my oldest son and play so I can rest. I am so tired.”

This went on until my time had ended and I was AMAZED by how much lighter I felt after just pretending that I had a lessened load. When I relayed this experience to a friend, I remembered a tidbit from a recent meeting of my ongoing facilitation class: “When asked to imagine that something is true, the mind sends a message to the body to feel as if it were so.”

Even if it only lasts for a few minutes, this is a great gift.

- a Parenting by Connection mother in Maine

More Free Teleseminars from Hand in Hand

Free Teleseminar: Meltdowns and Shutdowns

Led by Kirsten Nottleson and Patty Wipfler

Thursday, March 24, 2011, 6 – 7 pm PST

Children’s emotional outbursts cause some of the most difficult moments in parenting. This teleseminar will help you to understand young children’s emotional lives and build closer relationships after meltdowns and shutdowns.

Free Teleseminar: Setting Limits Without Ever Saying Time-Out Again

Led by Patty Wipfler, Founder of Hand in Hand

Thursday, April 21, 2011, 6 – 7 pm PST

Children need adults to create healthy boundaries with warmth and authority, but without the awful power struggles. Learn how to set limits  today in ways that lay the groundwork for cooperative relationships for life.

Sign up Now for these free teleseminars:

One-on-One Parent Consultations

Photo (C) Sanja Gjenero 2008

The consultation call last night was very, very welcome this morning!!!  We woke to find our son VERY mad that we had put away some of his toys last night.

This has never happened to such a degree, or ever at this time of day. It was INTENSE. Major throwing, screaming, hurling himself on the floor and trying to hit me. In the past, I would have reasoned with him, explaining why we clean up at night so you can play again the next day, etc. This time I didn’t. I stayed super calm and loving. I just kept looking at him lovingly and saying, “Wow, I can see you feel really upset. You must feel really bad to want to throw things like that. I am here for you. I love you no matter what feelings you are having.”

He would not let me touch him for a long, long time. I had to physically stop him from some things but all in all I was gentle and never admonishing. I would NEVER have handled this like this without your call.

He also kept screaming at me to go be with his younger brother. He did this about 40 times yelling, “I don’t want you here. Go downstairs!” But I never left. I just kept saying if you want to be alone I can let you be alone as long as you are safe. But I am not going to your brother. He is sleeping and does not need me.  I want to be with you. You need me now so I am staying here.

While he kept saying/screaming to go to his brother I held my ground. After about twenty minutes he was still somewhat unreachable so I just went in the other room and got his bunny. I came back in and he saw bunny and grabbed it, seemingly relieved. It was around that time he let me start to hold his hand, and then sat in my lap.

He was still a bit ornery and would often get up. I kept trying to make eye contact and told him I was here for all his big feelings and that I loved him and would help him. He looked at me warily. Then at one point he was across the room and I can’t remember what he asked but I answered that I loved him very much and that I was his best friend and I knew he was hurting. I was overcome with feelings right then and I started to cry — not my own tears, more compassionate, empathic tears for how hurt he was. He rushed into my arms to give me a hug. It only lasted a second but it was interesting. Then we cuddled a tiny bit and somehow started playing a game with some animals on a painting and I was pretending they were biting me. He laughed and we snuggled for a second and that was it. He ran off to play. Whew.

I think I more or less stayed the course. It felt like an MFA in parenting! I think he really got the message that I love him and accepted his feelings and would not punish him for sharing them. Which now I realize I WAS doing in the past even though I had NO IDEA I was doing that! So, small steps, but a good beginning. Thanks for all your support!

- a mom in Los Angeles, CA

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