Play Helps Dissolve Frustration

Before bed, my daughter and I had a fun Special Time together doing whatever she wanted. When the timer beeped (signaling the end of Special Time) she happily trotted off to her room to change into her new nightgown and get ready for bed. Within a few minutes though, she returned very unhappy.

“This nightgown is too short and I’m cold,” she complained.

“Yeah?” I replied. “Do you want to wear something else?”

“Ugh!” she growled. “I hate it! I don’t want it! You can just donate it!”

Since she was so happy after our time together I wasn’t sure what had shifted. I suspected the nightgown wasn’t really the issue, but sometimes I wonder is it the clothes or is she just needing something to get upset about? Only time would answer that question so I decided to stay close, available and calm to see what she would show me next.

I followed her into her room where she took off the nightgown and threw it into the laundry basket. I opened her drawer and pulled out her favorite jammies. “Do you want these?” I asked.

“Ugh!!” she growled again as she grabbed them from me and put them on.

I wanted to offer her my warmth and support for whatever was coming up for her, but wasn’t sure what direction to go. Did she need more connection through play or just my quiet presence and listening? So, I said, “I noticed you were pretty happy a few minutes ago. And now, it’s like PHEW! all this stuff’s gotta come out.” I waited for her response to clue me in to what she needed.

She made some more ‘growly” noises, but then looked at me playfully and said, “Yeah! I just need to wrestle you!”

“Alright!” I said enthusiastically. Play was the way to go!

We wrestled for a little while. She laughed hard and came up with some new wrestling moves. We had a lot of good, non-stop giggles. When I was ready to stop I gave her a big hug and said it was time to brush teeth. She transitioned easily.

While we were in the bathroom she said, “I’m really hot, maybe that nightgown is a good idea.” She went back to her room and changed into her nightgown.

Just as I suspected, the nightgown wasn’t the issue. Just a little tension that needed to be released through a fun time wrestling and laughing with mom. Connection and play saves the evening again!

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant
Join one of her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding classes starting May 22nd @ 6pm Pacific Time OR May 23rd @ 10:30 am Pacific Time —– You can also connect with her on Facebook.

How to Connect with My Friends: Playlistening, of Course!

My daughter has a friend round today. It’s the weekend. They are 6 years old and in the same class. They have had a play date once before as we have only recently moved to this area. Her friend has been made homeless because the family was flooded out of their home. My daughter is actually doing Playlistening with her! She is making her friend laugh and laugh, and they are having a wonderful connecting experience. I have heard the friend say: “Oh, you’re the laughing lady!” They have been dressing up and laughing all the time. I am hoping that this is very good for the friend because it can’t be much fun for her to see her home destroyed, or to have to live in other people’s houses.

So during all this time I have been doing Playlistening with my daughter, she has been storing it up as a good strategy for connecting. I am very proud of her. I didn’t need to teach her this. It arises from good connecting experiences.

Laura Newman
Instructor Candidate in the UK with Hand in Hand Parenting
Facebook.com/infinityparenting

Trading Places in the Family

Recently, my husband and I were on vacation with our three boys, and our oldest was seemingly always putting a damper on our fun adventures. The walk was too long. Someone was talking too loudly. Another’s socks were pulled up too high. Someone blocked the TV in the middle of the baseball game (because it was necessary to pass in front to get to the bathroom)… You get the picture. After a few days everyone wanted to bite this child’s head off.

My husband woke up one morning and announced that there was a new plan for the day – everyone was going to take on the identity of someone else in the family. Since we were there, in part, for a business conference, we all even had official name tags that clipped to our clothes! The boys (and we, too) got really excited, and after a lively discussion of who got to be who, we each clipped on our name tag and headed down to breakfast.

The second my husband was out the door of the hotel room, he began jumping all over and making goofy sounds, exactly the way our middle son would have done. We all busted up laughing. One of the kids said, “Dad, watch out! People are coming down the hall!” He ignored them and kept on with his silliness. The kids tensed up for a moment, but when they saw the smiles on the faces of the people walking towards us, fell back into laughter. I was our youngest, and kept hanging onto the leg of our oldest, who was acting as me. “MOM! Carry me! I’m tired!” (Mind you, this is 20 minutes after wake-up, and ten steps out of our hotel room.) Again, laughter, as our youngest son (now Dad), scolded me and told me to leave mom alone. “This is a public place!” Our middle son, playing our oldest, jumped right into his role beautifully: “Why is the restaurant so far away from everything?? This place is too big!” Then he began poking at his two brothers, purposefully trying to knock them down, or scare them by jumping out from behind a pillar. Everyone was rolling in laughter. Not just us, but everyone we passed!

After a while, our oldest tried to take on the role of correcting us all, and orchestrating how we should be acting, and what we should be saying – a pattern we’re working hard to help him shed. None of us caved. We just continued on in our roles, and the laughter kept coming and coming. I admit that our oldest, the inspiration for the game, wasn’t doubled over, but he was grinning ear to ear, and I definitely detected a handful of chuckles.

I also noted that he was really watching “himself.” How interesting to see “yourself” from the outside looking in. Identity is complicated, and so often we lack the insight to differentiate between our behaviors and who we really are at the core, or our children’s behaviors and the sweet, lovable kids we know they are. Taking on the identity of another with them watching, and seeing “ourselves” from the outside, broke the tension created by all that identity confusion, and allowed us to see ourselves, and one another, for the people we really are: good people with some behaviors that we would all do well to shed.

~ Tosha Schore is a Certified Parenting by Connection instructor in the San Francisco Bay Area. Join Tosha on January 28 for her next Online Parenting Class, Building Emotional Understanding.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

“I Hate Oatmeal!”

My husband was making a pot of oatmeal for breakfast last weekend, and it was time for the family to come to the table. But our 8-

year-old son saw that the oatmeal wasn’t the kind he usually has, and he started saying, “I hate that oatmeal!” My husband responded, “Well, that’s what there is for breakfast. It is either that or nothing!”And our son said, “I want the oatmeal I always have! I hate that kind!” I was quietly listening to the conflict. Our son left the table screaming and yelling and very upset. He kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

My husband was getting a little upset too, and suggested, “If you don’t want to eat this oatmeal and you want to act like this, then you can go to your room, please!” At this point I saw our son going to his room alone, and I told my husband I could take it from there. I followed him into his room, and said, “Hey, you really hate this oatmeal, don’t you?” Our son said, “Yeah!” and started yelling and screaming even more. “I hate always doing what you want me to do!”

Soon he became physical and I needed to hold his arm and to keep a safe distance so that his hitting and kicking would not land on me.

I kept saying, “You hate this oatmeal!” and he kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

I kept blocking the hitting, and his kicking and hitting continued while he kept hating the oatmeal. Then, all of a sudden, he started laughing while still kicking. When I heard his laughter, I felt assured that I was doing the right thing by allowing him to let off steam and to be understood. His little brother was relieved at seeing this too.

Then, together, my son and I alternated between stomping our feet around the room, chanting, “I hate this oatmeal!” and him doing protected kicking and hitting. We wound up laughing until we both fell on the floor. Finally, our son stopped and said, “I am ready to eat my oatmeal now!”

And he ate the whole bowl of oatmeal and even had a second! He was cheerful all morning after that. Today, a week later, we asked him if he would like to have some oatmeal. He saw that it was the kind he had hated so much a week ago. He answered, “Oh, I like this kind of oatmeal!”

–A Parent in a Skillbuilding Class

Listening to Tears Before School

One morning while clipping my daughter’s nails I made the comment, “Oh, I think I clipped that one too short.” It wasn’t a big deal at first since it didn’t hurt. (If I hadn’t of said anything my daughter wouldn’t have noticed.) But after a minute or two it became the perfect pretext for her tears before school.

She began crying and insisting she couldn’t go to school. I gently told her I was sorry I cut it too short and that I thought it would grow back quickly. She cried more saying she wouldn’t be able to hold anything and therefore couldn’t have any fun at school.

At one point as I listened I felt myself tighten. I could hear an internal dialogue start that I shouldn’t be giving her attention over this. In that moment I wanted to say, “Get over it. You’re crying over nothing.”

Luckily I didn’t. I took a deep breath and realized at her age I didn’t usually get loving-attention when I was upset over little things. I was told to stop crying over spilled milk. I refocused on the present moment and my obviously upset child. I reassured myself that it didn’t matter if the tears were about the nail or not. What mattered was supporting her through this release of upset feelings.

I told her I really believed her finger would be okay and she could go to school, and then I simply held her as she cried more.

As her tears came to a natural end, she easily brushed her teeth, put on her socks (our usual morning issue!) and as she got in the car she happily told me her finger was feeling fine. A little listening was all she needed to get on with her day.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning March 14th and connect with her on Facebook!

Building a Parenting Community for Yourself and Your Family

Doing something new or different with your parenting can be an adventure. It can also feel deeply validating when you connect with other parents who are doing the same thing. Here are some ideas for bringing together a local group of families to support, encourage and enjoy one another along the Parenting by Connection path.

Meet Globally, Connect Locally

To start off, you are welcome to join our online discussion group of over 1000 Parenting by Connection parents. Our group is quite active. It’s a welcoming, supportive place for parents, caregivers and professionals to talk about using Parenting by Connection and our archives contain years of inquiries and discussions on a multitude of parenting topics. But even more importantly, you can use the group mailing list to connect with parents who live near you. You are welcome to post a note there asking parents in your area to contact you. Then you can talk about ways to connect in person, perhaps meeting at a local park to introduce yourselves. You can post the same type of message on our Facebook page, if you would like.

If you’d be interested in writing about how you are using Parenting by Connection in your family, we’d be happy to include it on our blog along with any contact info you’d like to share with local parents who are interested in connecting with you.

You might also consider starting your own local Parenting by Connection Study Group. You can download the guidelines for the Study Group and get started right away. You don’t need to be an expert. We have booklets and articles to guide you. You simply need an interest in listening to other parents with deep respect, warmth and confidence in their intelligence, and a commitment to listen without offering judgment or advice.

Have a wonderful time building your parenting community!

Juli

Julianne Idleman
Director of Communications at Hand in Hand

Helping a Child Go From Tantrum to Intensely Focused

Albert is a really sweet, sensitive, bright 9-year-old boy who comes to me for math tutoring. He is full of ideas and thinks deeply about many things.

On this particular afternoon, our third session together, Albert had come to me without having had much sleep the night before. His mother had sent me a quick email to inform me about this. I knew he would have difficulty engaging with the math, so I was prepared for big emotions.

As soon as he arrived he devoted his entire attention to a snake cube (aka elastic cube) puzzle that I happened to have on my desk. The last time he had been here, he had played with the puzzle for just a few minutes, after which he had been happy to engage with the math. This time around, however, when I gently set a limit after a few minutes of his playing with the puzzle, saying that it was time to do some math, he just could not disengage from the puzzle. He continued to have a go at it and kept getting more and more upset because he wasn’t able to figure out how to solve it.

His frustrations grew. “This is impossible to solve. I can’t do it. Why is it so hard?” I stayed with him and listened to his feelings with reassuring noises and a few gentle words like, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I’m sorry it isn’t easier.” I also added, “Let’s put it away right now and get down to some math,” to which he said, “No, I’m not going to do any math until I solve the puzzle.”

His mother had been there the whole time. She and I continued to remind him gently that it was time to take a break from the puzzle. His mother said that he could take it home with him with my permission and could solve it later. But he insisted that he had to solve it right then and there.

Soon his frustrations turned to anger. “How could anyone invent something like this that no one can solve? They should not make such inventions. Nobody should make such inventions. Nobody should be allowed to make such inventions. Nobody should make ANY invitations. I need a pair of scissors. I’m going to cut up the elastic and smash the puzzle into the ground.”

Albert finally let go of the puzzle and lay down on the floor, full of tears and crying with full abandon. He was now quite distraught, but he knew I was there listening to him. His mother was very supportive of both him as well as my approach with him.

It was heart-breaking to then watch him go into feelings about his very existence. “There is something wrong with me. Why me? Why me? Why is everything so difficult for me? Why isn’t anyone telling me what’s wrong with me? I must have been adopted. I shouldn’t even exist.” I told him I would be very sad if he didn’t exist. At which point he countered with, “How could you feel sad about my not existing? You would never have known me if I had not existed.” To this, I replied, “There would be an empty space in my heart that I would feel sad about… and I would not know why I was sad.”

Soon he stopped crying, but he still didn’t seem ready to do the math, so I asked if he wanted a little back massage. He agreed and I walked him through a guided imagery relaxation routine, while massaging his back at the same time. This seemed to help somewhat, but he was still a little wound up. Sure enough, after a short while, there was another outpouring of feelings for a few more minutes, but the tears were less intense now. Throughout this whole time, I listened to his feelings and his mother continued to stay supportive of what I was doing. I felt very grateful for that.

All of a sudden, right at the end of our tutoring hour, Albert was all ready to engage with the math. I didn’t have the heart to send him home just when he was finally ready to engage, so I freed up some time to work with him. I was so amazed at how much he soaked up during the forty minutes we worked on math. I went through a stream of many related concepts, some of which were review, while some were distinctly new. But he had absolutely no trouble absorbing everything I said and very quickly at that. I didn’t need to offer any second explanations. He was very bright and grasped it all right away. The prefrontal cortex part of his brain was clearly in full gear now. He was focused, responded well to the questions I asked him, totally understood everything I taught him, and was able to figure out how to approach problems. He went from being intensely distraught to completely focused! It was like night and day.

Toward the end, just before he left, Albert engaged in a deep and thoughtful conversation about how people should listen to other people including children no matter what age they were, because children have important things to say. How true! He also talked about being in a world where everything was free, where no one would have to work to earn a living, and where everyone would just share what they had with other people. He also talked about the equality of boys and girls and how it was unconstitutional to have books written just for boys vs. girls! I felt honored that he would share some of his deep thoughts with me.

Sometimes it takes a whole hour of listening and sometimes it’s just five minutes. And sometimes it can take many hours. But the power of listening is always amazing!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Stepping In and Listening

My son, who is 4, my husband and I were all busy getting ready to go to a friend’s house on a Saturday morning. Our neighbors next door, who we are close to, have a 9-year-old. Although we are friends, we have had to limit the time our son spends with their child, because the kind of language he often uses isn’t appropriate for our son to hear. They were making preparations for a birthday party for their son and our son saw this. I told him as he was watching them that we were going to another friend’s, and that the neighbors would save some cake for him and he could have it later.

Then, as we were doing our preparations, he picked up a hockey stick and began hitting things–the couch, the floor, scraping it on a rock in the yard, and poking the cat. His father got annoyed, and said harshly, “Come on! You’ve got to get in the car or we’re not going!” Then our son said, “You b____!”

Before I’d read the Listening to Children booklets, I would have gotten into it, too, and scolded him for talking to his Dad that way, and for banging around with the stick. But I’ve been teaching myself to connect with him when things are bad. I actually figured that he was indignant for good reason–his Dad had spoken very harshly, and threatened him.

So I just decided to try to connect with him. I scooped him up in my arms, sat down on the couch with him, and said, “You really seem to be upset.” He looked at me like I was a stranger. I touched him gently and asked him, “Are you upset because you can’t go to the party?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “It looks like you feel pretty bad that you don’t get to go.” His eyes welled up with tears, and he began to cry.

I held him, and his Dad came in close, too. We listened to him for some minutes. When he stopped, I said, “Why don’t we call the neighbor, and make sure she remembers to save you some cake.” His Dad brought me the phone, and we stayed all snuggled together while I made the call. The neighbor said she would save some cake, and would save him a party bag, too. When he heard this, his whole body relaxed. It was clear that he felt heard, and felt connected again. It was a very sweet little time. He got his things together, ran to the car, and was waiting for us, for a change!

Since I’ve been connecting and letting him have his feelings instead of scolding or giving orders, he’s been so much happier. Instead of walking, he skips everywhere he goes. Listening to him is changing all of our lives!

~ A Parenting by Connection Mom

Helping a Toddler with Biting

I had cared for one toddler at my day care center throughout his infancy and we had shared many good and close times together. He began biting other toddlers a few months after he had moved into the toddler room. It took our staff a week, and a couple of conversations with his Mom, before we came upon what we thought was a likely explanation for his biting. We noticed that he usually bit other children on Wednesdays and Fridays. We put that pattern together with the information that his mother had started an evening class that met Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that she didn’t see him at all those evenings.

We guessed that missing his mother was the tension behind the biting. He didn’t seem any more tense or upset than usual, and his good byes to her in the mornings happened without clinging or crying. So whatever feelings he had about evenings without his mommy weren’t showing up at our center.

We figured that the first task we had was to build a closer, warmer relationship with him, so that he could trust us more fully with his feelings. And we asked his mother to give some Special Time to him any morning that she could, and to come earlier, so she could spend some one-on-one time with him at our center before leaving. With a close 10-minute playtime before his Mom left, he would have the connection and reassurance he needed to allow himself to cry with her before she left, instead of holding in his feelings and biting others later.

So, on days when his mother had to leave quickly, we had a caregiver greet him warmly, and spend 5 or 10 minutes of Special Time with him at the beginning of the day. Then, a caregiver stayed within two feet of him, so that when he lunged for a child’s arm, she had a good chance of stopping him before he made contact. She would slide an arm around his tummy so he couldn’t reach any farther, and bring him over to her lap. He cried and struggled to get away, perspiring and working through his fears. If the caregiver had to leave him partway through to attend to another child he would sit on the floor looking forlorn. When she returned with warm words and the reassurance of her embrace he would struggle and cry some more. We found that if he could work in this way on his fears and sadness for about 15 minutes, he would emerge more cheerful, and would usually be able to make it through the morning without biting.

On days when his mother could spend time in our classroom before leaving, I would come in and join the two of them, and encourage the mom to follow his lead, but stay very close to him. I asked her to begin her good-bye at least 5 minutes before she actually had to go, so that I could help him actually look at her, encourage him to hug her and hold her tight, and help her reassure him that she would be back at the end of the day. I would also try to help him laugh, by saying, “Here’s what we’re going to do when your mommy comes back!”, holding him in my arms, running to a far corner of the room, then rushing up to her, saying, “Mommy, you’re back!” and putting him in her arms. He liked that game a lot! After a few days of solemn good-byes, he finally could cry when his mommy left. I stayed with him, kept telling him she would return and that she loved him, for as long as I could.

Several good-byes were tearful after that one, and over a period of many months of short opportunities to work through his fears, both when his mommy left and when we intervened before a bite, he grew gentler, trusted us more and was more easily able to simply cry when he was upset. His need to bite ended.

- Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand and Hand

You can read more about Parenting by Connection tools in the Listening to Children booklets or sign up for November’s free teleseminar “No More Hitting” with Patty Wipfler and Dr. Laura Markham from Aha! Parenting.

Special Time is Special

I have a short anecdote that really showed me how important Special Time is, no matter how humdrum it may seem from the outside from time to time.

This summer we had planned a visit to the equivalent of Disney Land in Sweden. The boys, 5 and 7, had never been there and had been looking forward to the visit for many months.The theme park was a long drive away and very pricey so we planned a full day there, getting there early and staying until they closed which was past the boys’ bedtime.

Knowing how cranky they got without a full night’s sleep, we prepared them to get in their pyjamas and go straight to bed as soon as we got home, which meant no Special Time or toothbrushing. The boys looked at each other with startled eyes when I said this and asked to discuss it by themselves in another room.

They returned saying that they would rather leave the theme park a couple of hours early so that they could get home in time to have Special Time! And they get Special Time every day so it would have meant missing just one of 365 days in the year!

- Leigh Jamison, Parenting by Connection Instructor, Sweden

Visit Leigh’s website Heart to Heart (Heart to Heart English Translation available)

You can also read more about the listening tools taught by Hand in Hand in the Listening to Children series.

Super-protective Factor: Tales of Parenting by Connection

Nurturing the Parent-Child Connection

Tag Archives: Listening to Children