Helping My Child with Keeping Agreements

One morning I told my daughter (7.5) it was time to clean her room before watching TV. “Oh mom,” she said. “You know I need time to wake up and just want to relax and watch a show before doing anything else.”

I kneeled down and said, “Okay, I get that. So do you agree that after your show you will pick up your room?”

“Yes,” she agreed.

Well as life goes she watched her show, got distracted with other things and didn’t want to clean her room anymore.

I reminded her of our agreement. “But I don’t wanna clean my room!” she whined in reply.

I had to bite my tongue from saying, “See?! You just get what you want then don’t follow through! I should have known not to negotiate with you.”

Instead, I reminded myself that she was probably feeling disconnected and struggling with some tension around cleaning her room. What she really needed was some listening and connection from me, anything else would just get us into a power struggle.

I sat next to her on her bed and listened as she complained about cleaning her room. She got up from her bed and stormed around her room telling me all the reasons why she couldn’t do it and didn’t want to do it. As I listened her tone escalated. She told me I couldn’t make her clean her room and that she didn’t have to!

Staying calm, I kept my focus on just listening to her. It can be easy to jump into the lecture, but I reminded myself to focus on really hearing her and allowing her to express all that she needed to say. I knew if I said anything much at this point she wouldn’t really be able to hear me anyway. It was important that I keep my center and not get hooked into her feeling about cleaning her room or worried about how this was all going to work out. Her cleaning her room was going to take a back seat to my really connecting with her right where she was at so I just kept listening taking in everything she had to say.

It didn’t take long before I noticed her tone started to calm and she relaxed next to me. When she seemed finished I told her that she was right, she didn’t “have to” clean her room and I wasn’t going to “make her”. This caught her interest and I had her full attention. Then I told her, since we had made an agreement, I would like her to keep it. I let her know that trusting a person’s word is an important quality to me. If she chooses not to keep it, that is her choice and that choice would influence my making future agreements with her because I’ll know she doesn’t always keep her agreements.

I let her know it really was her choice, gave her a hug and kiss, and then went on with what I needed to do to get ready for the day.

When I walked by her room about 5 minutes later I noticed she was cleaning up her room. And, she seemed quite happy with herself too!

As a parent it’s easy to get caught by worry when our children are not keeping to their word. We want so much for our children to keep their agreements that it’s easy to resort to trying to make them and telling them they have to. When we forget to simply connect with our kids and see what’s making this moment hard for them it’s easy to resort to threats, shame, blame and guilt.

By taking the time to listen however, we form a powerful connection with our children. As we hear them fully, we not only get to know what is in their hearts in that moment, but it also opens them up to hearing us in return. This moment where we hear them and they look to us, ready to listen in return, is where we have the influence we so want with our children. It is the opening where we can share our values with them and know that they are really taking in what we are sharing.

This moment with my daughter has led to more dialogues about trust and keeping our word. We’ve talked about times where we may need to break agreements for different reasons and how we can do that without damaging trust. And, I’ve listened to her tears when, for instance, she wanted to skip a party she had already committed to so she could go to a different party. In these instances I have felt it important to listen, and then hold the limit that she keep her first agreement, and not change because something “better” came along.

I can see my daughter is learning from these moments. Recently, when I was reluctant to negotiate on something with my daughter she looked at me earnestly and said, “Mom, I keep my agreements.” I nodded, smiling, and said, “Yes, you do.” And, together, we found something that worked for both of us.

~ Michelle Pate, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant Learn more about the power of listening and connecting with your child by joining Michelle in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding Course. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Play Helps Dissolve Frustration

Before bed, my daughter and I had a fun Special Time together doing whatever she wanted. When the timer beeped (signaling the end of Special Time) she happily trotted off to her room to change into her new nightgown and get ready for bed. Within a few minutes though, she returned very unhappy.

“This nightgown is too short and I’m cold,” she complained.

“Yeah?” I replied. “Do you want to wear something else?”

“Ugh!” she growled. “I hate it! I don’t want it! You can just donate it!”

Since she was so happy after our time together I wasn’t sure what had shifted. I suspected the nightgown wasn’t really the issue, but sometimes I wonder is it the clothes or is she just needing something to get upset about? Only time would answer that question so I decided to stay close, available and calm to see what she would show me next.

I followed her into her room where she took off the nightgown and threw it into the laundry basket. I opened her drawer and pulled out her favorite jammies. “Do you want these?” I asked.

“Ugh!!” she growled again as she grabbed them from me and put them on.

I wanted to offer her my warmth and support for whatever was coming up for her, but wasn’t sure what direction to go. Did she need more connection through play or just my quiet presence and listening? So, I said, “I noticed you were pretty happy a few minutes ago. And now, it’s like PHEW! all this stuff’s gotta come out.” I waited for her response to clue me in to what she needed.

She made some more ‘growly” noises, but then looked at me playfully and said, “Yeah! I just need to wrestle you!”

“Alright!” I said enthusiastically. Play was the way to go!

We wrestled for a little while. She laughed hard and came up with some new wrestling moves. We had a lot of good, non-stop giggles. When I was ready to stop I gave her a big hug and said it was time to brush teeth. She transitioned easily.

While we were in the bathroom she said, “I’m really hot, maybe that nightgown is a good idea.” She went back to her room and changed into her nightgown.

Just as I suspected, the nightgown wasn’t the issue. Just a little tension that needed to be released through a fun time wrestling and laughing with mom. Connection and play saves the evening again!

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant
Join one of her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding classes starting May 22nd @ 6pm Pacific Time OR May 23rd @ 10:30 am Pacific Time —– You can also connect with her on Facebook.

A Playful Response to Sharing

I want it! Give it to me!

How long can we simply BE with our children, lighting the way to reconnection, without rushing to solve “the problem”?

My daughter and her friend were playing well one day until they both wanted the same blue scarf. They came to me for help, their voices raised, as they both desired to be heard. I crouched down and said, “Ok, one at a time.” I asked my daughter to wait while we heard what her friend had to say and assured her I would listen to her next.

“She ALWAYS wants the blue scarf!” her friend said. “I want it this time!”

When her friend was finished, I turned to my daughter. “What do you have to say?”

“No I don’t! I used to use the pink one. I tried to be fair and let her pick one from behind my back, but SHE kept peeking!”

“Oh,” I say. “It sounds like fairness is important to both of you.” The girls nod in agreement as they each tighten their grip on their end of the scarf.

My mind is blank, so I am (thankfully) forced to just stay present and supportive to both of them. The three of us look at each other and I wonder how this scarf issue will shift.

Then my daughter’s friend starts pulling on the blue scarf and my daughter starts tugging back. I smile and say, “Wonderful, you’ve figured it out, Tug-o-war! Now you BOTH have the blue scarf.”

They look at me with a look I would describe as “playful mischievousness”. The girls tug back and forth. There’s no meanness to it, but I stay close and engaged with them by putting my hand in the middle of the scarf and gently tugging along with them. “Yeah!” I say. “Now we can ALL have the blue scarf!”

The tug-o-war with the scarf continues around the living room until I playfully say I should tie them together with it. They love this idea. I tie them together around the waist. They work to move around and end up falling a bit. They get back up, trying to figure out how to move while tied together. Once they get the hang of it they decide to be a 2-headed, 4-legged dragon and go off to find treasure together.

And I think to myself, in working through this conflict they already found the real treasure of connection and friendship.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

PS On a recent playdate, with the same friend, my daughter came to me with the scarf and said, “Mom! We are NOT getting along. You need to tie us together!”
I did, and the mood immediately shifted from disagreement to cooperation.

Helping My Daughter Move to Her Own Bed

When my daughter was around two, I was ready for her to move to her own bed. I wanted the transition to be as easy as possible for her, so I thought naptime, instead of bedtime, would be the best way to slowly introduce this idea.

However, when I told her she would be napping in her bed, instead of in mommy and daddy’s bed, she began crying, yelling and fighting the idea. Not what I was expecting! I gently told her that I would stay and nap with her. This didn’t ease her fears and her crying intensified.

I was still pretty new to Staylistening at this time and began to have doubts about transitioning her to her own bed because her reaction was so intense. I had to remind myself it was a safe situation, we were only napping in a different bed.

I also reminded myself that she never had a problem sleeping in other beds, like at a relative’s house or in a hotel while traveling. So, whatever her feeling was, it wasn’t about the current situation. It seemed the feeling was some deeper fear that needed to come out before she would feel okay in her own bed whether it was day or night.

I listened as she cried and fought saying she could not, and would not, sleep in her own bed. I offered gentle reassurance that I really thought it was okay to nap in her bed and reminded her that I would stay with her. We stayed on the bed together while she showed me how hard it was to even think about this change. Then, when she tired of crying she fell asleep in her bed.

This repeated the next two days. I’d tell her we were going to nap in her bed and then she’d scream and cry that she couldn’t do it. I kept holding out the idea that it was a good place to sleep. On the fourth day, success, she easily napped in her own bed like it had never been a problem.

After working so hard on both our parts, her showing me how hard it was to make the change and me listening and creating a safe space for her to be able to release her fears, I decided to hold off on the nighttime transition for awhile.

But my daughter had other plans, exactly a week later, at bedtime, she said she wanted to start sleeping in her own bed at night too. And she did! It was tough listening those three days, but so worth it for both of us. And I’m so glad she was able to initiate the nighttime transition when she was ready.

~ Michelle Pate, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her in her upcoming BEU class starting March 14^thwhere you will learn the listening skills, and get the support you need, to help your family through any transition. You can also connect with Michelle on Facebook.

Setting Limits after Dinner

My daughter came home from a play date happy and easy to be with, but around dinnertime her tone changed. She began to fuss about random things and used a sharp tone of voice. I figured she needed some more reconnection time after being away.

Her dad and I stayed warm and loving toward her, trying to reconnect and trying to diffuse the tension with laughter. But still, she kept returning to that sharp tone and finding fault with one thing after another. Our attempts to reconnect with her just weren’t getting through.

She didn’t eat much at dinner, but immediately asked for a snack as we cleared the table. Now she knows the rule in our house: if you’re hungry right after dinner, you can eat more of your dinner or pick a fruit or veggie.

When I reminded her of this she immediately began crying, “I’m not going to eat dinner. I’ll dump it out if you give me dinner!”

I crouched down to her level and said gently, “You don’t have to eat dinner. You can choose a fruit or veggie snack.”

She cried more and still talked about dinner. “I’m not going to eat dinner,” she repeated. “Even if it’s yummy, I’ll dump it out.” I stayed close to her and reminded her she didn’t have to eat dinner. She could choose a fruit or veggie.

This brought out more frustration and she tried to hit me so I gently held her hands and told her I was going to hold them while they wanted to hit. She squirmed and cried with her eyes shut tight.

When she calmed, I told her I loved her very much and reminded her she could have any fruit or veggie she wanted.

This just brought on more tears. She fought and cried saying, “I’ll never eat a fruit or veggie until I’m ready!”

I told her that was ok, I would wait for her to be ready. Occasionally, I listed a few fruits and veggies we had in the house, but mostly I stayed quiet and present to her. She alternated between quiet snuggling in my lap and then back to crying while trying to kick and hit.

Whatever upset she was carrying, she was working hard to let it go.

After about 10 minutes she said, “I want raspberries.” I said ok, but then waited to see if she was really done crying and fighting. I nuzzled her playfully and asked her if she could look at me. She smiled and made eye contact.

With the tension gone (and who knows what caused it!) she ate all the raspberries and then asked for celery and almond butter which she also ate happily while we played a card game. We had a really enjoyable evening together and I was reminded of what a gift a limit can be when it is set with lots of warmth and patience for our child to go through the process of releasing their upsets.

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming BEU class starting March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Listening to Tears Before School

One morning while clipping my daughter’s nails I made the comment, “Oh, I think I clipped that one too short.” It wasn’t a big deal at first since it didn’t hurt. (If I hadn’t of said anything my daughter wouldn’t have noticed.) But after a minute or two it became the perfect pretext for her tears before school.

She began crying and insisting she couldn’t go to school. I gently told her I was sorry I cut it too short and that I thought it would grow back quickly. She cried more saying she wouldn’t be able to hold anything and therefore couldn’t have any fun at school.

At one point as I listened I felt myself tighten. I could hear an internal dialogue start that I shouldn’t be giving her attention over this. In that moment I wanted to say, “Get over it. You’re crying over nothing.”

Luckily I didn’t. I took a deep breath and realized at her age I didn’t usually get loving-attention when I was upset over little things. I was told to stop crying over spilled milk. I refocused on the present moment and my obviously upset child. I reassured myself that it didn’t matter if the tears were about the nail or not. What mattered was supporting her through this release of upset feelings.

I told her I really believed her finger would be okay and she could go to school, and then I simply held her as she cried more.

As her tears came to a natural end, she easily brushed her teeth, put on her socks (our usual morning issue!) and as she got in the car she happily told me her finger was feeling fine. A little listening was all she needed to get on with her day.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course, beginning March 14th and connect with her on Facebook!

Facing a Fear of BIG Kids

When my daughter was a toddler & preschooler she struggled to be around groups of older children. One day when we went to a children’s museum it struck me just how small she looked next to the bigger kids there. She wanted to play with them, but their larger, fast moving bodies really overwhelmed her. She seemed paralyzed when caught between two of them. Even though I stayed with her the whole time she seemed unable to relax and join the play.

What happened later that day during Special Time really clued me in to what was happening for her. During this time she chose to play “babies”. We each had a baby doll and she was directing the babies in doing stretches. When we each had our babies touch their toes the dolls bumped heads. This made my daughter laugh, so I continued having my doll bump her baby’s head and say, “Oops!”

She laughed more and more. When her laughter slowed I had my doll ask my daughter to show off some stretches she knew. My daughter happily hopped up and showed off some yoga poses. I held my baby up saying, “I wanna do it too!”

My daughter’s mood quickly clouded over and she hit the baby saying, “NO! You’re too little!” I was shocked by her reaction, but in the spirit of Special Time decided to go with it. I had the baby stand up again and say, “But I really wanna to do it!”

My daughter hit the baby again yelling, “No, you’re too little!” She continued yelling at the baby doll like this for nearly 10 minutes. A part of me felt concerned and wanted to tell her, “Don’t hit the babies. Be gentle.” But I reminded myself these were not real babies and that it looked like she was working on something important.

I reminded myself of how little she must have felt around all of those big kids at the museum and I started to think maybe she brought those feelings home with her and was working hard to make sense of them and relieve herself of them.

So, I stayed by her side as she continued to hit, throw and at one point even bite the dolls with great force and passion. Every time she threw the dolls down I had them get back up and say, “But I wanna do it! I wanna be big like you!” She continued tossing them across the room as hard as she could and then suddenly she stopped and spoke to them. She said, “Babies, you are 1, then you’ll be 2, and then 3 like me. You are growing every day. You will get bigger. And then you can do it.”

She stood up and I placed the baby next her saying, “You are SO big. I’m going to be big like you one day!” My daughter smiled and said yes. She seemed very assured after this special time together. She spoke more with the baby dolls, telling them all about growing up and was very gentle with them afterward. I am so glad I trusted her process and didn’t try to temper her emotions even when I felt uncomfortable and shocked that she had all of that in her!

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding class starting March 14th.

Moms Need Listening Too

During a recent listening session, I vented about my six-year-old daughter’s inability to get ready on her own. She would get her clothes on, but then she wouldn’t brush her teeth or put on socks, etc. unless someone was with her guiding the whole process. I was getting really irritated with her about this and not acting like the parent I wanted to be. Our mornings were a roller coaster of disconnecting power struggles and then reconnection attempts at drop off.

I unloaded my frustration to my listening partner, saying all the things I didn’t want to say to my daughter and telling her how frustrating this whole situation was to me. When the timer went off I still felt like there was more emotional charge there so I made a mental note to work on this more later. Maybe next week, I thought, I could actually come up with a plan to work this out.

The next morning I was reminded of what magic can happen even when I do just a small amount of work on an issue. As I was getting ready for work my daughter came in, still not dressed. I got down at her level and smiled warmly saying, “I’d really like it if you’d get dressed for the day.” She looked at me and said back, “Play puppy?” I said, “Okay, I’ll throw the balloon for you to fetch, then you go do one thing to get ready.” She gave me a puppy pant and nodded.

Getting ready for the day went smoothly as she fetched the balloon, then ran off to dress. Then she fetched the balloon again and went to brush her teeth. Fetch, get snack ready. Fetch, book bag packed. Fetch, socks on. The morning routine was easy for her with just a little playtime mixed in. And, I felt amazed that this high-stress time could shift so easily after some listening time for me.

We played this game only once more, and since then I am happy to say she has been getting ready without me having to “shadow” her through the process.

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding class starting March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Roughhousing Helps My Daughter with Math

One day after a fun-filled Special Time it was time for me to sit down and balance the check book. My daughter decided to sit with me and do her math work. The first bit was new to her so we worked together on a couple of problems. She seemed to understand it, but was soon whining, “Do I have to do it all? Can I go play on the computer?”

“Finish the first half and then we’ll talk about it,” I said. She growled, got up from the table and stuck her tongue out at me.

Oh boy, I thought. She came back to the table, struggled with a problem and then started waving her pencil toward my face. I could feel myself triggered by this action, but managed to calmly say, “I don’t like that. Please stop.” She replied in an ever-annoying ‘tween tone. “Whaaat? I’m not touching you.”

“You’re not touching me,” I said. “But I still don’t like it. I want you to stop.”

“Grrrr!” she growled. “I just want to throw it at you! You’re the meanest mom!”

My words were not getting through to my usually cooperative daughter. I knew that whatever tension had its grip on her, it needed to be broken with some play. I got up, smiled at her and said lightly, “Ok, throw it at me.” She looked surprised.

I walked to the far end of the house where I knew she wouldn’t be able to really hit me, and then she threw the pencil hard. I playfully flinched, even though the pencil wasn’t near me, and she laughed. I moved close to her, putting my arms around her waist, and said playfully, “You wanna fight me?” She struggled against me as I acted as her opponent and commentator.

“Oh, she’s getting me now! She’s taking me down!” I said as I rolled to the ground. She promptly sat right on top of me. We wrestled with her doing her best to stay in control and keep me down. I gave her a challenge by flipping her onto my legs airplane style, but I always let her manage to get back in charge of the game.

We played this way back and forth with me begging her to “Go away” (as she often tells me when she’s upset) and then after she went away I would cry, “Hey wait! Come back! Don’t leave me alone!” She would then return to jump on me and wrestle around more.

At one point, she got the tape and proceeded to tape my mouth shut! I played along with her and let her keep the upper hand while still putting up a “fight” to get away. I tried to talk with the tape on, begging her to take it off, but I was all mumbles. She laughed and just added more tape.

As our play slowed I went back to balancing the checkbook and she quietly sat at the table beside me and started to do her math work. Barely a minute later, she handed me her completed paper. “You’re done already?” I said. She smiled big. I was amazed at how quickly she completed the work she had been complaining was too hard for her.

The math work itself wasn’t too hard, only the tension she was carrying made it seem too difficult. By allowing her to take the more powerful position in our play she was able to work through the tension so it could dissolve and her intelligence could flow again. I am continually amazed at how play and wrestling can transform a tense situation and I am always pleased with the happy, connected place we end up.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course beginning March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Daddy can care for you too!

I began to well up with tears watching them reconnect with each other through simple eye contact.

“Just Momma!” my daughter would cry. “Momma do it!” During the toddler and early pre-school years my daughter would cling to me for dear life when all I wanted to do was take a shower in peace. While this wasn’t an every day event, it was still enough that it limited both of us and created tension in our lives.

These feelings of needing mommy really flared around the time she was 3 1/2. We had recently moved across the country, leaving friends and family, and she had started a new pre-school where there wasn’t space for a teacher to hold her for the time she needed to cry about separation. All of these things may have contributed to her pushing dad away more.

During this time my daughter’s dependence on me was high and I was needing a break from always being the “go-to” parent. My husband and I really wanted to help her release the fears she was holding on to so she could see that her dad was available and ready to listen to her too.

One morning our opportunity came when she burst into tears over a torn pancake. She ran from the kitchen to the bathroom where I was getting ready for the day. Instead of following the same pattern of Mommy doing the Staylistening, I checked that my husband was feeling okay with listening. He was, so I told our daughter I was going to finish getting ready and that Daddy would take care of her while I wasn’t available. Her dad took her out of the bathroom and told her that he loved her and would take care of her. She cried and cried for me to come out.

I knew the best way for my daughter to work through her separation anxiety and fears was for her to be able to show, by crying, fighting, and trembling, how hard it was for her to be away from me while I was actually right there next to her. So as soon as I was finished getting ready for the day I came out and sat by them.

My husband held his arms gently around her waist as she cried to get out of his lap and into mine. It felt awkward not to just take her into my arms. But I remembered whenever I did bring her close for comfort, the hard feelings just stayed stuck inside. After comforting her I noticed she would shut down for awhile and retreat back into herself. She would often whine and cling or find some other pretext to cry about.

We were taking a “leap of faith” in listening to her tears all the way through. My love and warmth were right there available to her, but by not taking her into my arms the feelings were able to pour right out.

I sat on the floor right in front of her and held her hands. I told her I was right by her, that I wasn’t leaving and that Daddy could take care of her. She fought and cried at this suggestion. She told me I was “Too far away!” Even though our knees were touching and we were holding hands.

“Daddy can do it,” I told her. “Daddy can take care of you.” We knew she did know this on some level, since he has taken care of her since she was a baby and they often spend hours together going fun places or just hanging out at home. Her dad repeated that he loved her and would take care of her.

We listened to her cry for me all the while gently reassuring her and staying close. Her crying slowed until she lay trembling in daddy’s arms. In a slow and gentle voice I listed all the things Daddy did to care for her, from playing to feeding to helping with pottying. I told her when she was ready she could look in our eyes and see that everything was OK, and that we loved her. She looked in my eyes first (oh, those sweet brown eyes!) and then bashfully started peeking at Daddy’s eyes. I began to well up with tears watching them reconnect with each other through simple eye contact. She smiled and it felt the cloud had lifted.

Once we were all reconnected, we decided to have Special Time together for 15 minutes. She asked to play “little girl” which means she plays the mommy and I play the little girl. Not surprisingly, she guided the play to where she had to leave me “the little girl” with Daddy. I protested and cried while Daddy gently held me in his arms. She reassured me that Daddy would take care of me and even began to list all the things he knew how to do. When the timer beeped we ended the game and I told her that Daddy and I needed to talk about the day. She simply said, “OK, I’ll be in my room.” and happily went off to play on her own.

Listening to our daughter’s feelings about needing mommy has been an on-going “emotional project.” In practicing Parenting by Connection, space is made so she can show us how hard it is for her and then feel the tremendous relief once those feelings are released. Her natural confidence always reappears after a “session” and I see her thinking well again and remembering that Daddy can care for her too.

~ Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant. Join her Building Emotional Understanding course beginning March 14th.

Super-protective Factor: Tales of Parenting by Connection

Nurturing the Parent-Child Connection

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