Setting Limits at Dinner Time

One Saturday, we took our family to a club with an outdoor swimming pool in Petaluma. My step-daughter loves swimming and my son is starting to enjoy it more. There were two beautiful outdoor pools, a water slide, and a hot tub cool enough for kids. We had a lovely day.

On the way home, my son took a short nap in the car, but woke up grumpy and irritable. Nevertheless, he played by himself for a while as we made dinner. But when it was time to come to the table, he said he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat. I told him we were all going to eat together and it was time to come sit down. He walked into the kitchen complaining about wanting to play more. “And I’m not hungry!” he whined.

When he saw what was for dinner he started to whimper and whine more and said he didn’t want chicken and vegetables. “That looks yucky!” He cried. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out a loaf of bread. I told him we weren’t going to eat bread for dinner, we were all going to eat chicken and vegetables. But he brought the bread to the table crying and he tried to undo the tie on the plastic wrap. I put my hand gently on his hand and said, “Sorry sweetie, we are not having bread tonight.” He cried more and threw the loaf of bread to the floor. He pushed away his chicken and vegetables and told me to leave him alone. I told him I didn’t want to leave him alone with these feelings. His sister got up from the table and put the bread in the refrigerator and he cried more.

I decided to take him to the other room so that the rest of the family could eat. He sat on my lap and cried more. I was hungry and wanted to eat, so when his crying slowed down, I gave in a little and offered him avocado (instead of the mixed vegetables that were on his plate). He agreed to eat avocado and came back to the table with me.

When we got back to the table he ate half of the avocado and then tried some of the chicken on his plate that he had pushed away. A few minutes later he had devoured all of the chicken, another half of avocado, and two servings of the mixed vegetables that were on his plate! He was chatty and sweet at the table and lovely the rest of the evening. I couldn’t believe how much dinner he ate that night!

Join Certified Instructor Julie Johnson in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding class, beginning March 12.

Waffles and Wiggles

One morning, my 3-year-old said, “I am my brother, not me,” while I was busy getting my older son ready for school. Ah, a sign of something coming, I thought. I squatted at his level to acknowledge him, but could not stop for more than a short minute.

Then, my younger son started complaining, “I don’t want the waffle cut in half!” Ah, a louder signal. I still couldn’t pay attention to him, though I did make eye contact with him. I was still busy with my older son.

Then I told him that he needed to change out of his pajamas. He said, “I don’t want to change! I want a Batman costume.” However, he wouldn’t change into the Batman costume which I handed to him. He threw that away.

Then, he was sitting in front of the clothes drawer, unable to make up his mind what to wear.

He was bouncing around. A sure sign of disconnection, I thought.

I was busy packing my older son’s lunch, and didn’t have the time and attention to Staylisten for more than a couple of minutes.

So when my older son went off to school, I offered Special Time for half an hour.

First, my son disappeared for a minute as he sometimes did during Special Time. I begged, “Please don’t go! Please come back!” Then he smiled, waved good-bye and left the room. In a minute, he came back.

Then we covered ourselves under a blanket and played with flashlights. Lots of laughter.That turned into a physical play. He wanted to be up side down. So I held his feet and lifted him up. A head stand. He wanted me to tumble over too. More laughter.

When the time was up, he went and changed his clothes before I even noticed.

And he ate the same waffle he had rejected because I had cut it in half. I said, just to be sure, “I am sorry I cut it in a way you didn’t like. How is it?”

He was busy eating, and he said, “Good!”

Staylistening Helps my Sons Share

My three-year-old and I had a Special Time during my older son’s piano lesson. When it ended and was time to pick my older son up, my younger son asked if he could get stickers also. His brother gets stickers at the end of a piano lesson. I said casually, “Okay let’s go in and ask the teacher.”

So we went inside the piano teacher’s house. We asked and the teacher said yes. She gave my older son a sticker, and also generously gave my younger son one, a different sticker. But he didn’t want his. Instead, he wanted his brother’s. “I want that one!” he whined.

The piano teacher in her seventies told my younger son harshly, “This is your brother’s, not yours.” Hearing this, he started crying, and fell down on the floor. Seeing a three-year-old throw a tantrum, the piano teacher shook her head, waved her hands and told us that he was not welcome at her house anymore from then on.

Deeply embarrassed, I said good-bye to the teacher thanking her for the lesson and the stickers, took both boys out and managed to bring my crying son in my car. I was triggered by the upset the piano teacher aimed at us so it took quite an effort stay as calm as I could.

Inside the car, I Staylistened for about 40 minutes. My older son was waiting in his seat, peacefully, humming and tapping on an imaginary piano. I sat in the back seat, Staylistening to my younger son as much as I could. It became really hard for me to continue to listen a few times as I started thinking resentfully about what the piano teacher told us. I took deep breaths now and then. Then I went back to more Staylistening. My younger son was frantic. He asked, “Let’s go back and get the sticker!” I replied, “No, we are not going to go back in. We’ll stay here in a car for now.” It took a long time, but he finally finished crying.

To my delight, my older son, who was sitting quietly next to us, looked up as soon as his brother finished crying, and offered a toy dinosaur, which was a special dinosaur he had received that day at school, something he would not share earlier. It was very sweetly done and let me realize that I was not alone in my listening. My older son was also compassionately attending to my younger son’s crying. The brothers were happy together all evening after this incident.

Later, after I had stopped the lessons from this piano teacher, I heard that there were others who had stopped too, due to her occasional harshness.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22. Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

100 Kisses

My teen was home from college for her first short visit and I wanted to connect with her in a close way. I knew she was in the process of learning to be independent, and I wanted to respect her freedom and the personal growth she had achieved. I had read about giving 100 kisses to your child as a way to playfully connect and show her how much you love her. So I thought I would try doing this.

My daughter was sitting on the couch and looked a little lost, being home for the first time. I snuck up behind her and kissed her forehead while counting to ten. She started to smile and said, “What the heck?” I told her I missed her so much that I had 100 kisses stored up for her and I was going to try to sneak all 100 in before she went back to college. I then gave her 10 more and said, “Whew, that is 20!” She started laughing and I could see her relax and start to settle into being home.

As the weekend progressed, I continued to surprise her with 10 kisses on the shoulder, 10 kisses on the hand, 10 kisses on the leg. I don’t think I ended up completing the whole 100 kisses, but it didn’t matter. What it did do was give me an opportunity to show her she was loved and missed. She was able to relax, and it gave us an opportunity to talk about how different her life was at college than at home. She opened up about what her days were like, and what was happening with her friends and her classes.

Being playful helped me as much as it did her. I desperately wanted to make her feel comfortable being home, and didn’t know quite how. By being playful, I was able to tell her how much I loved her, get close to her and still respect her freedom. I played the “silly mom” role and was rewarded with laughter, closeness and respect.

Food Fight! Helping My Picky Eater

Usually I do about ten minutes of special time with my three year-old son a couple of times a week. Although ten minutes of special time always seems like such a short amount of time to do special time with a child, when I’m actually doing it with my son, I find myself waiting eagerly for the timer to sound. Recently I decided to try thirty minutes.

For his special time, my son decided that he wanted to have a snack, so I set the timer in the kitchen and we sat down at the table together to eat peanut butter crackers. In the past, my son has thrown food when he is angry. But during this special time, he seemed quite happy, and at one point decided it would be fun to throw a cracker on the floor.

He looked at me to get my approval. I gave him the go- ahead and as he threw the cracker up in the air, I put a cloth napkin over my head and shrieked, “Yikes! It’s raining peanut butter crackers!” This got him to laugh and he proceeded to take another cracker carefully out of the bowl and throw it in the air. Again, I put a cloth napkin up—a pretend umbrella—and said, “Wow! It’s raining peanut butter crackers!”

I kept looking at the timer I had set on the stove. I couldn’t believe that the first time I decided to do 30 minutes of special time with him, he chose to throw crackers around the kitchen! He continued to throw his crackers one-by-one, slowly and methodically, and giggling with each throw. I continued to put up the pretend umbrella and we had a big laugh after each toss.

Then, about 25 minutes into the session he looked across the table and saw a bowl of potstickers that had been left on the table from earlier in the evening. He looked at me, his eyes grew big, and with pure excitement he said, “Raining potskickers!?” I imagined greasy potskickers smeared across the kitchen floor and I hoped more than anything that the timer would sound. It didn’t. So I looked at him and said, “Sorry, we can’t throw the potstickers on the floor.” Surprisingly he didn’t seem bothered by this. He decided to eat them instead (I think he really was hungry) and we talked for a few minutes more until the timer went off.

At the end of special time I gave him a big hug and decided to sweep up the peanut butter crackers before we got ready for bed. He wanted to help. We had a lovely time sweeping together and eventually we got ready for bed. He put on his pajamas, brushed his teeth, listened to the stories I read, and turned out the light without a fuss or complaint.

The next morning he woke up and said with a big smile on his face, “Mommy, remember it was raining peanut butter crackers?” When we went to my mother’s house the next evening, he told her about the night it was raining crackers.

It felt great to be able to do a longer session of special time with him and to have just enough attention to let him throw his crackers around the room. Maybe one day it will be potstickers.

Certified Instructor Julie Johnson has a limited number of seats in her Building Emotional Understanding class,beginning April 28. Reserve your seat today.

Lego Land Hokey Pokey

We picked the kids up from kindergarten and preschool one afternoon and drove straight to the airport. Our four-year-old daughter noticed that we were not driving home, so we made the happy announcement, “Surprise! We’re going to Lego Land.”

Big mistake!

Turns out, anything that has the element of surprise in it, was going to be a big strain on our daughter. But we didn’t know that about her yet.

She immediately spun into a meltdown. She screamed all the way to the airport, and continued to scream throughout the majority of the plane ride. It was horrible: for her, for us, and for everyone on the plane.

We Staylistened as she offloaded her fear about something new happening, and her rage about the surprise of it all. “You didn’t tell me. I hate surprises. I hate Lego Land. (She’d never been to Lego Land.) I don’t want to go. I won’t go. I’m not going. I’m not getting on the plane. I hate planes. I’m to going to Lego Land. I’m not going to the hotel. I hate hotels.” She screamed.

We listened.

We also Staylistened with our 6 year old son, who was very excited about Lego Land, but furious at his sister. “Why is she always ruining everything? Make her stop screaming. I don’t like it. This isn’t any fun. She’s too loud. Make her stop. It hurts my ears Mommy, make her stop.” he pleaded.

We listened.

Our son was able to offload his disappointment and anger at his sister. He then easily shifted towards enjoying his own interests on the way to the big adventure. He read on the plane. He and my husband played cards. He had moved on. We could be excited together.

However, it wasn’t till the next day that our daughter joined the party again. She was either screaming, or sullen and withdrawn until we got to the park. At that point she started to relax.

Staylistening helped her offload her fears and worries. It would have been easier if she didn’t have so many worries, or such strong and sustained responses to her worries, but she did. At that point in her life, there was a backlog of fear that couldn’t be emptied, before new fears filled right back in. Newness and changes in the routine were (and still are) very stressful for her. The phrases “sensory defensive” and “initial withdrawal,” we later learned, where phrases that could be used to describe her style.

Having these labels didn’t ban her into an untouchable category in our minds, or make her unlovable, but it did help us anticipate her struggles and plan for how great her needs for Staylistening might be, and when. I think of it as a broad reaching form of “friendly patrol.”

Listening to her, slowly, carefully, and for long periods of time locked in that we deeply care about her. She offloaded her fears, and received our patience and love.

On that weekend, both our kids could offload their worries and agitation and receive our confidence about their ability to survive adversity (our son), and safely try new things (our daughter). We didn’t lecture them about these ideas, nor did we insist that they appreciate us for our fun, generous plan. We simply listened with our steady gaze and our warm, close attention. Staylistening allowed them to offload their emotions connected to current or stored worries, anger, or disappointments, after which there was more room to enjoy the day, or at least move to the next location.

Our son had the time of his life. He wanted to move there, and build a Lego house and live in it forever. Our daughter did have some fun at Lego Land. There were stretches of time without screaming, at least.

But we made it through.

Some fun was had by all, and some had more fun than others.

In the end, I’d think the greatest success of the trip was that, through Staylistening, we formed a deeper connection with both our kids. And just like the Hokey Pokey song says,

“That’s what it’s all about.”

Join Beth Ohanneson in the Professionals Intensive, beginning April 13.

Special Time – A Double Bonus for Kids and Parents

It’s funny how a little Special Time with your child can do wonders for both you and your child.

One afternoon when I was feeling somewhat low-key with many pressing issues on my mind, my then 10-year-old preteen daughter asked me for some Special Time. She wanted to wrestle with me. I wasn’t quite ready to get out of my shell, but I went ahead and wrestled with her anyway. She was terrific. We both had a great time wrestling, in which she invariably got me down on the floor and reigned supreme!

After the wrestling, she decided that I was a bouncing machine and she bounced on top of me. And then I was a rolling machine and she rolled on top of me. She was a strong kid and it was hard to deal with the sheer physical force of it all. But I was not fazed. It was so much fun. We laughed and laughed and laughed, literally rolling on the floor. I was definitely out of my shell very soon and she too had a great time connecting with me. We felt very close.

I had a pile of chores to do that afternoon: laundry and dog-poop-scooping! For the first time ever, my daughter came with me to the backyard to help me clean up the poop. Prior to this, her strong sense of smell had always come in the way of helping with this particular chore. But this time, she was able to overcome her distaste enough to help me do it! And right after that, she helped with all the laundry and we folded a lot of clothes together.

There was no question that the special time and laughter we had together had created a warm and connected space for her. So much cooperation with so much fun and no nagging! And I loved the double-bonus – it lifted my spirits too!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Why is it Important to Say Very Little During Staylistening?

It was a Saturday afternoon and my daughter (almost 10) and I were in the car on our way to meet with family for lunch. My daughter brought with her a CD we used to listen to when she was younger back when we lived in the US. (Two years ago our family has moved back to Israel after living almost 9 years in the states.)

The memories that were brought up for her by the songs and being just the two of us in the car made my daughter feel more aware of her feelings and she started to tell me all the hard things that she’s dealing with, all the things she used to have and she misses, and about how I was not making a good choice for her. That went on for the whole 15 minutes drive.

Nothing she said was new to me, but the way she said it and the clarity in which she articulated, it were very powerful. As I was listening to it all I hardly said a word. Whenever I could, I tried to look back at her and offer my eye contact, and throughout the whole time I was holding myself not to say anything. The one thing that I said only once the entire time was “I really want you to have a good life.”

As she was talking, she wasn’t crying, but I could tell by the look on her face that she was very emotional. I can’t tell you enough how hard that was to sit there and listen to all that she had to say. I felt so guilty and sad. But somehow I knew that the best thing I could offer her at that moment was my silent listening. She already knows my perspective, and I have offered her my advice and my comfort plenty of times. I couldn’t do anything to fix it, but I could offer her my loving attention.

When we got to our destination, I told her:” I love you so much, and I promise you I will think about everything you’ve told me.” She went out of the car and all I wanted to do was to stay there and cry by myself, but I knew this would have to wait for my next Listening Partnership, and it did…

The interesting thing about this event was that after those 15 minutes of sharing, ranting, accusing and longing she spent the next few days laughing hard, long, and wholeheartedly. She stayed at her grandma’s, and I was told they were laughing and playing the whole time. When my husband saw her after the few weeks he hadn’t seen her, he also noticed her high spirit and her continuous laughter. I guess she felt much lighter after dumping these big rocks of feelings off her mind.

I think part of what inspired me in this Staylistening session was reading a recent blog post by Kirsten Nottelson who was telling a story of a mom in her class. This story reminded me that even when things are hard, and there isn’t much we can do to fix or solve the situation (as much as we would have liked to…) our listening still goes a LONG way.

- Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Israel

- Join Certified Instructor Ravid Aisenman Abrahmsohn in one of her classes / teleseminars:

1) Building Emotional Understanding Online starting February 13. Register now.

A Little Listening Can Move Mountains

A friend of mine, a wonderful woman with a very positive attitude and with whom I had been doing a listening partnership, wanted to talk about a situation with her son’s class teacher. Her son had been coming home unhappy almost every day. She is a parent who volunteers in the classroom. She felt that the teacher had identified some children as her favorites, with her son not being among them.

My friend’s son was in a combination class with a single teacher for two grade levels. At the end of the first year of her being in this class, she asked for a change of class because her son had been so unhappy. At first she met with a lot of criticism from the teacher and resistance from the principal.

My friend was naturally very distressed about the whole situation. During a listening partnership session with me, she was able to release a lot of her anger and upset feelings about this issue and was able to cry about this. I stayed and listened to her feelings. And it seemed to have had the right effect!

Within a few days, she had figured out exactly how she was going to approach the situation with the class teacher and the principal. She rehearsed what she was going to say and discussed it with the teacher and principal with self-assurance and confidence. She finally did get what she wanted; her son was moved to a different class.

Sometimes we don’t realize the effect we can have on people, simply through our listening (or not listening). I was moved by how a little listening can move mountains.

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Listening Makes All The Difference In The World

I heard a very touching story in one of my classes recently. We were talking about the value of listening to our children’s strong emotions, and I asked if anyone had been listened to in that way as a young child. One woman raised her hand and said, “Yes. One time.” She had been raised by her single mother who was a school teacher. She was the oldest of three and very involved in taking care of her younger siblings and making sure everything went well. They struggled a lot and were often short of money.

At one point she said she was having a particularly hard time so her mother sent the younger siblings over to a neighbor’s house, then took her out to the garage and said, “Okay, let me hear it.” Her mom just listened while she got to yell and cry and scream about how hard it was and that it wasn’t fair. She had never gotten to really let it all out like that. She knew that her mom really wanted to hear it, since she had sent the younger ones next door so that she could have time just with her. She told her, “I know this sucks, sweetie. I wish it were different.” She didn’t try to make her feel any different or tell her it wasn’t so bad. She just listened.

The woman said it made all the difference in the world to her. It seemed as if she could carry on. Just because she knew her mom was on her side that way.

What I think is interesting is that even though she didn’t get listened to many times in that way, she still really understood how important it is for her to listen to her children when they are struggling. That one experience really made a difference for her. It’s such a good reminder to me when I think of all the times when I’ve felt badly because I just didn’t have it in me to give my children the attention I would have liked to, or just couldn’t listen.

-Join Certified Instructor Kirsten Nottleson in her Building Emotional Understanding course. Starts March 27. Register now.

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