Tag Archives: picky eater

Setting Limits after Dinner

(C) RayaGr 2012

(C) RayaGr 2012

My daughter came home from a play date happy and easy to be with, but around dinnertime her tone changed. She began to fuss about random things and used a sharp tone of voice. I figured she needed some more reconnection time after being away.

Her dad and I stayed warm and loving toward her, trying to reconnect and trying to diffuse the tension with laughter. But still, she kept returning to that sharp tone and finding fault with one thing after another. Our attempts to reconnect with her just weren’t getting through.

She didn’t eat much at dinner, but immediately asked for a snack as we cleared the table. Now she knows the rule in our house: if you’re hungry right after dinner, you can eat more of your dinner or pick a fruit or veggie.

When I reminded her of this she immediately began crying, “I’m not going to eat dinner. I’ll dump it out if you give me dinner!”

I crouched down to her level and said gently, “You don’t have to eat dinner. You can choose a fruit or veggie snack.”

She cried more and still talked about dinner. “I’m not going to eat dinner,” she repeated. “Even if it’s yummy, I’ll dump it out.” I stayed close to her and reminded her she didn’t have to eat dinner. She could choose a fruit or veggie.

This brought out more frustration and she tried to hit me so I gently held her hands and told her I was going to hold them while they wanted to hit. She squirmed and cried with her eyes shut tight.

When she calmed, I told her I loved her very much and reminded her she could have any fruit or veggie she wanted.

This just brought on more tears. She fought and cried saying, “I’ll never eat a fruit or veggie until I’m ready!”

I told her that was ok, I would wait for her to be ready. Occasionally, I listed a few fruits and veggies we had in the house, but mostly I stayed quiet and present to her. She alternated between quiet snuggling in my lap and then back to crying while trying to kick and hit.

Whatever upset she was carrying, she was working hard to let it go.

After about 10 minutes she said, “I want raspberries.” I said ok, but then waited to see if she was really done crying and fighting. I nuzzled her playfully and asked her if she could look at me. She smiled and made eye contact.

With the tension gone (and who knows what caused it!) she ate all the raspberries and then asked for celery and almond butter which she also ate happily while we played a card game. We had a really enjoyable evening together and I was reminded of what a gift a limit can be when it is set with lots of warmth and patience for our child to go through the process of releasing their upsets.

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming BEU class starting March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

“I Hate Oatmeal!”

My husband was making a pot of oatmeal for breakfast last weekend, and it was time for the family to come to the table.  But our 8-year-old son saw that the oatmeal wasn’t the kind he usually has, and he started saying, “I hate that oatmeal!” My husband responded, “Well, that’s what there is for breakfast.  It is either that or nothing!”And our son said, “I want the oatmeal I always have! I hate that kind!” I was quietly listening to the conflict. Our son left the table screaming and yelling and very upset.  He kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

My husband was getting a little upset too, and suggested, “If you don’t want to eat this oatmeal and you want to act like this, then you can go to your room, please!” At this point I saw our son going to his room alone, and I told my husband I could take it from there. I followed him into his room, and said, “Hey, you really hate this oatmeal, don’t you?” Our son said, “Yeah!” and started yelling and screaming even more.  “I hate always doing what you want me to do!”

Soon he became physical and I needed to hold his arm and to keep a safe distance so that his hitting and kicking would not land on me.

I kept saying, “You hate this oatmeal!” and he kept saying, “I hate this oatmeal!”

I kept blocking the hitting, and his kicking and hitting continued while he kept hating the oatmeal. Then, all of a sudden, he started laughing while still kicking. When I heard his laughter, I felt assured that I was doing the right thing by allowing him to let off steam and to be understood.  His little brother was relieved at seeing this too.
Then, together, my son and I alternated between stomping our feet around the room, chanting, “I hate this oatmeal!” and him doing protected kicking and hitting. We wound up laughing until we both fell on the floor. Finally, our son stopped and said, “I am ready to eat my oatmeal now!”
And he ate the whole bowl of oatmeal and even had a second!  He was cheerful all morning after that. Today, a week later, we asked him if he would like to have some oatmeal. He saw that it was the kind he had hated so much a week ago. He answered, “Oh, I like this kind of oatmeal!”
–A Parent in a Skillbuilding Class

Picky Eaters Need Limits To Broaden Their Palette

Dear Patty,

I’m confused about how to set boundaries and limits with my 19 month old daughter. I feel like she’s too young to understand what I’m asking of her so how can I ask it of her. She’s not very verbal yet. I also do not want to use any rewards or punishments in my limit-setting, so I’m not sure what I should do.

One of the areas I’m having A LOT of trouble with is food and eating. When we sit down to eat she flings a lot of the food onto the floor and walls, throws it at me, throws dishes and cups and silverware, and pours her water all over the food. She seems like she’s playing when she does this, not angry.

Can I allow myself to want her to behave differently and ask that of her and set a limit around it?  Thanks.

Hi, good mother:

There are several issues your question raises, so I’ll try to touch on them all here.

What you need to know is that limits are vital to young children! Absolutely vital. And when you set a limit, you are using power, your power to stop your child from doing something that, in your judgment, doesn’t make sense. Using that power is OK. It’s part of your job. When a child can’t think well, her behavior goes off track, and she can’t get back on track without your help. So setting a limit with an off-track child is a form of love, of assistance, and insures the safety of all.

For example, if you manage to tolerate huge messes being made meal after meal, your own upsets are bound to accumulate until you reach a breaking point. Your upsets will then splash out onto your daughter in the form of some kind of sudden, active upset, aimed at her and her behavior. So even if she’s exploring how gravity pulls plates and bowls to the ground, and what foods stick best to the wall, a limit needs to be set. To rock your equilibrium by throwing food is not in your daughter’s best interests!

Your job is to notice when your child is not able to be relaxed, flexible, and in tune with you and others, and to simply stop the unworkable behavior, then to listen to the feelings she has about the changes you judge necessary. There is no age at which it’s too early to set limits. For instance, if an infant is crying passionately and in her upset, she’s scratching her own face and scalp, a loving parent would keep listening and trying to understand the child, but would keep a gentle hand over her fingers, so she could move as much as she wanted, but couldn’t harm herself in the midst of her upset.

When I worked in infant care, I often set limits with children who were 7 or 8 months old, and wanted only the toys that another infant was holding. I would gently hold the child around the belly as she made a grab for another child’s toy, and say, “No, Alice, there are other things you can play with.” Then, I’d make loving eye contact, and listen to the child cry until her mind cleared. At that point she felt better connected with me, had released the upset that had her locked on the thought, “Only one toy can make me happy,” and could be happy with unclaimed toys.

You’re right that your daughter might need some messy playtime to satisfy her instinct to play and learn with foods and textures. But this need doesn’t have to be filled at mealtime. You could provide a place and time for messes outside where you can hose things down afterward, or inside, with a plastic tablecloth placed under her high chair. Call it Special Time, and let her play with things that have texture and color—playdough, baking soda and water, soaked oatmeal. Let her play, throw, smear and have fun. Get in close, enjoy, and promote laughter if you can. It might be that 20 minutes of messing around every few days would begin to satisfy her desire to learn in this way.

However, when it’s mealtime and she begins to throw and to smear, set a limit. Don’t expect words to work. Words don’t work well in setting limits with children of any age! Move in close, offer a tone of generosity and warmth, and gently but firmly stop her. When she starts to pick up her bowl, hold the bowl to the tray so she can’t. Or when she raises her arm to throw, hold her arm gently. Don’t let her complete that motion. Then, you can use words. “No, sweetie. Not now. You can do that outside/this afternoon during Special Mess Time. Right now, it’s time to eat.”

That’s all. Don’t say much more. Provide just enough physical resistance so the limit is kept, and make eye contact. She will writhe, refuse to look at you, fight you, get hot and sweaty, and eventually, she’ll cry up a storm. You don’t need to hold her, but do put a hand supportively on her back or her leg, to communicate your caring. Let her rip.

This is the emotional release she needs to do in order to become more flexible, in order to be able to do something with food besides make messes. If the emotional issue hiding underneath this behavior is a big one, she may need to cry again and again for several weeks. Or she may need only a few cries like this before she can settle in and think about eating. You’ll just have to see how it unfolds. In any case, listening to her feelings is honoring her experience, while holding a safe and sane limit. You can read more suggestions in our Picky Eater or Getting Beyond The Yuck articles, or get a full description and application of how to apply the tools mentioned above in our Listening to Children set.

Yours,
Patty Wipfler

Pick Up Special Time With Your Picky Eater

Dear Hand in Hand,

My son is the pickiest eater I have ever met. Everything has to be completely unblemished. Food cannot have touched anything else which might discolour it. And on top of this, he eats almost only white food. I don’t want to force food on to him, or make eating a traumatic experience, but I would like to get more nutrients in him than pasta and bagels. Is this normal? Or is there perhaps a psychological issue underlying there?
Thanks,
Avoidant Eater

Dear Avoidant,

In my experience, fears that have attached to certain foods, or to the look and smell of certain foods, are not necessarily related to foods. The symptom of the fear–the strong aversion to certain foods–is so riveting and concerning that the aversion gets all of the parent’s attention and worry, while the underlying fear goes untouched, so the aversion doesn’t move. You can’t pour honey on a fear, or dress it up, or talk a child out of it. A fear is a feeling, and no logic or trick can pry a feeling out of a child.

What can get a feeling moving so that the child has some room to change his behavior and be open to new things is this strategy:

First, give him Special Time often. Time, spent with the parent offering closeness and attention, to do just what he wants to do. Special Time is limited by a timer that ticks until his Special Time is over. The parent doesn’t advise, doesn’t teach, doesn’t say what will be played or how it will be played. The parent follows the child’s lead, and offers warmth and extra eye contact during the Special Time. Once a day would be great.

What Special Time does is to “warm up” the child’s sense of support and closeness to his parent. If he’s going to face some fears and come through that more confidently, he needs the direct, warm attention of his parent. Be delighted. And when it’s over, give him a big hug and tell him when the next time will be.

Often, at the end of Special Time, a child will find a way to be upset. Maybe he won’t want Special Time to end. Maybe he only wants to sit in THIS chair, not THAT chair for dinner. Maybe one food touched another food, and this upsets him. Allow the upset. When children cry and tantrum, they are doing something highly worthwhile! It’s hard to comprehend because we’ve been told otherwise for so many years, but crying and tantrums are a release valve for fear and upset! Move close, and do what we call Staylistening. Stay, listen, don’t try to argue or be reasonable. The unreasonable feelings are pouring out. This is healthy. This will help him, if you can pour in your caring and your support as he cries. You don’t have to say much. It will help him immensely if you can show that you don’t think the sky will fall because Special Time is over, or because someone else sat in THIS chair that he wants, or because the peas touched his potatoes.

There’s more about all this in an article that outlines this intervention more fully: here is Getting Beyond “Yuck!” with your Picky Eater, Part 1 and Part 2, and below. You can also get a more in depth look at Special Time and Staylistening in our Listening to Children series.

One last idea: in these articles, I describe a game that works great with picky eaters. You pretend, with great flourish, to be a picky eater. You examine your food, make faces and noises, hold it up and drop it back on your plate, and go “Eeeewwwww!” with a twinkle in your eye. The laughter that ensues will also help him release some of that fear and aversion…it’s a process, but it works!

Have an interesting time with these ideas! Let us know how it goes.

Thanks,
Juli Idleman

Picking the Time to Help a Picky Eater

shake1We went to see a movie with some friends and then were going to go to lunch afterwards with them.  We don’t eat out often and didn’t know the area well so they chose a place to eat.   My youngest daughter, who is four, was not happy about going to this place and when we got to the parking lot she began to refuse to go and cried and went off track.

I told the others to go inside and that I would stay with her in the car.  I got into the back where she was and she began kicking and screaming, climbing back into the car seat and trying to buckle herself in saying we were going somewhere else.  It was fine with me to have her buckled in and then she kicked the back of the seat in front of her as hard as she could and screamed and cried and yelled. She said how stupid I was, and other things I don’t remember.

What she wanted was a shake.  She has food issues in that she is extremely picky about what she will eat and when we do go out she often cannot find much food she likes.  I kept repeating to her that I didn’t know if this place had shakes or not since I hadn’t ever been there but that we would go inside and take a look at the menu and see if they did or not.

This is what helped her reconnect with the stuck feelings. Every time her emotional process slowed down, I would say, “Let’s go inside and see what they have,” and she would ramp back up again.  I realized that this was part of a pattern of tantrums that happened when we went out to eat and I was feeling good about this opportunity for her because my other kids were taken care of and, despite the loud screams, it did not appear that people in the parking lot could hear her.  So I felt comfortable letting her go for it.

There was a fast food restaurant within my sight but I held firm because I knew it was helpful to her to offload the feelings and helpful for me in the long term to be able to go out to eat without her having all this fear.  I really want her eating in general to be more flexible.   I stayed in the back and offered my warmth and attention while she went wild.   I felt good about it because I had empathy for her, felt no rush, and felt I was able to give her this gift of my caring during a difficult time.

This lasted 30-40 minutes and then she was calm and able to accept my comfort and was able to go inside with me and sit down and look at the menu.  And guess what, they did have shakes after all!

–A Parent in San Jose