Tag Archives: preschoolers

Happy Hiking

Photo (C) Hinterland Photo 2010

One afternoon we went on a family hike. By the end, the three of us were all tired, hungry and cranky. I felt my patience and strength slipping as my daughter whined, “Carry me!”

My mind sifted through all of our options like my husband going to get the car, but it looked like we would just have to finish the hike back. A part of me just wanted to push through and get it over with, but then I thought maybe a little impromptu special time might shift the mood. I asked my daughter if she’d like to have special time right here on our hike. Her face lit up and she said, “Yes! Can we play ‘little girl’?” (This is a game where she pretends she is the momma and I’m the little girl.) I said, “Of course.”

She took the lead and climbed up every rock she could find then jumped off. She encouraged me to do the same. Instead of being the competent momma who can do anything, I played scared and begged her to hold my hands and help me. She loved this.

It was amazing to watch her go from tired and cranky to energetic and confident. I loved watching her determination as she tackled some larger rocks and hearing her proclaim, “I believe in myself!” as she jumped from smaller rocks without help.

I’m glad we didn’t push through the hike just to get it over with. We were all much happier in the end with the slower pace and taking time to delight in our daughter.

- Michelle Pate, Parenting by Connection Instructor and Consultant, join her upcoming BEU class starting March 14th. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Working with Aggressive Behavior

Photo (C) Penny Mathews 2006

When my son started preschool he came home using aggressive words and behaviors I had never seen in him before.  He started talking about killing people, shooting, stabbing and “fire shooters”.  Even though I knew he didn’t understand the meaning of the words he used, it was upsetting.  He also began hitting and pushing his twin sister almost daily and kicking me during conflicts.  I thought I’d lost my sweet boy to the realities of the outside world and wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

After getting listening time and support for the situation, I realized my son was picking up these behaviors from the other boy in his class.  More importantly, I came to realize that the aggression shown by both boys was covering up fear and that there were ways for me to help my son off-load this fear, and return him to the gentle boy I knew.

I began to keep a closer eye on his playing – waiting for the moment he showed aggression.  When it occurred, I made a point to turn any aggressive moves into opportunities for playful contact with him.  I focused on the places where he laughed and would repeat what had caused the laughter.  For instance, he repeatedly told me he was going to “die me”(meaning kill).  When he said that I replied with a twinkle in my eye, “If you’re going to “die” me, then I’m just going to have to…have to…have to…kiss you!”  Then I would proceed to do just that, which caused him to laugh and laugh.  I also used “I’m going to have to lick you,” and “I’m going to have to hug you.”

After many days of this, I set a limit with him about something seemingly unrelated.  I told him he could not have more snack. When I remained firm in my response, he started to cry and tantrum.  I sat down with him, offering him eye contact and warmth.  He had a huge cry which included a couple blows to my head and my hair getting pulled.  The cry ended with him repeatedly saying that he didn’t want me to leave, which I understood to be an expression of feelings he carried from the past as the current situation did not include my going anywhere.  He also hugged me over and over.

A few days later I noticed there had been no aggressive behavior since the day of the big cry.  I realized that I had “warmed” him up with all the play with laughter which led the way for him to have the big cry.  I was amazed at the transformation in him.

During the time this cry occurred, school was on break.  He continued to behave at home without aggression, but upon returning to school, it resumed.  So once again I started to bring laughter and connection to his aggressive behavior.  This time I used fewer words and more physical responses.  For example, when he tried repeatedly to kick me I would cross one leg of his over the other and say, “Uh, oh I better tie up the horse.”  He found this hilarious.

Many days later we were decorating our house for Halloween when my son took a giant spider and began hitting his sister on the head with it.  I moved in quickly and physically stopped him from the action saying, “I can’t let you do that.”  He began to cry, and as I held him he shook, sweated and thrashed.  The fear looked even stronger than the first cry, and he ended the session again by saying that he didn’t want me to leave. It might be useful to add here that my kids spent three weeks in the hospital when they were born and therefore had an intense early experience of separation from me. When the cry was over we returned to decorating, and my son played a game with his sister where the spider kissed her.  Again, I was absolutely amazed by the change in him…and the fact that it occurred not by focusing on changing his behavior but by bringing connection, laughter and listening to a place that was stuck in fear.

- Alaiya Aguilar, Hand in Hand Instructor in California

Listening Through a Family Change

On the day we told my daughter, age 3 1/2, some big news about our family situation changing, the news just seemed too much for her to deal with and she just wanted to go and play.  So we played hard as a family for 3 hours and then she went to sleep.

When she woke up she crawled into my arms and said she wanted to go out for dinner.  She hadn’t even woken up at this stage, so I wondered what was so important about going to dinner.  I asked her and she said she liked going out for dinner.  We had been away the previous week and had gone out for dinner every night.  I think she had really enjoyed it.  I had a guess that she was feeling a bit sad and wanted to do something to feel better so I decided it was time to set a limit.

I said gently,  “I’m sorry darling we aren’t going out to dinner tonight”  She hid her face in my chest and started whining about going to dinner.  I gently pulled her away from me and said to her, ” Oh darling, you really want to go to dinner.”  She looked at me and burst out crying.  She cried for a few minutes and then started to arch her back, which I know is a precursor to her working on her fear and anger.

I sat on the floor and she arched and kicked and pushed at me for 30 minutes.  It was loud and violent and it woke up her dad upstairs.  He came down and sat next to us while she continued to writhe and try to get away.  She was screaming that she wanted me to let her go, but I really wanted to see this one to the end so I gently said, ” I will let you go soon, right now I want you to stay in my lap.  You are safe and have everything you need right now.”

Given the morning conversation, I kept telling her that both mummy and daddy love her, that she was safe and that we would both continue to look after her.  She quietened and looked like she was going to go to sleep, but as she had just been asleep, I think she was just recovering.  Then she sat quietly in my lap.  After that she wanted to stay in my arms for a while so we went upstairs and made some lunch together.  The experience was intense.

I often struggle with restricting her freedom when she is directly asking for me to let her go, but this time it was coupled with my own grief with the family changes. Trying to contain my own emotional issues, so I can hold a safe place for her is difficult when we are both going through stuff.  I felt that I did a good job this time and I held the intention of providing a safe place for her in my arms.

- A Parenting by Connection mom in Australia

Special Time Helps with Teethbrushing

Photo (C) Kadri Poldma 2006

My children and I do regular Special Time most days for at least three minutes.  Sometimes they choose to work on their challenges during Special Time. Once my three-year-old son tackled his challenge of teeth brushing.

He didn’t like brushing his teeth very much and barely let me brush either his upper or lower teeth. One day, he wanted to brush my teeth during Special Time.  ”Okay,” I said helplessly.  Then he scooped a lot of xylitol with someone’s toothbrush, stuck it in my lopsided mouth, and brushed inside of my mouth in a three-year-old way.

My face was covered with saliva and my shirt was drooled on.  I groaned and moaned, and my son was laughing. Whenever I caught a break from his rigorous brushing, I begged, “no more!” in vain.  He would put more rigor into his brushing laughing and really enjoying this role reversal.  It continued for most of our ten-minute Special Time.

Later, I noticed he was gradually more relaxed about teeth brushing.  That night, he let me brush both upper and lower teeth.  After a couple of months now, teeth brushing is no longer an issue.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Healing a Separation Trauma

Photo (C) BelleMedia 2009

When my daughter Allie was about four, I took her over to my Grandma’s house for a visit. Grandma lives in a tidy, quiet neighborhood, so I let Allie play outside while Grandma and I made a pot of tea and talked.

My Grandma’s neighbor, an elderly woman, opened the door and invited Allie inside. She went. The woman, who was drunk at the time, closed the door and kept Allie there, terror stricken, for about twenty minutes. I found out later that nothing overtly harmful happened, but Allie had asked to leave again and again, and the woman wouldn’t let her out the door. The woman apparently rambled and talked nonsensically, then finally opened the door and let Allie run back to find me.

She ran to me and cried and trembled and could barely talk about what had happened at first. I felt terrible, of course. I held Allie and let her cry and tremble and cling and talk for a long time and slowly I pieced the story together. In the next several days, she cried frequently about the incident. She was adamant that she was never going there again. Never! When she seemed to be mostly over her periodic cries, I figured that we had to go back to Grandma’s. Allie needed to see that she was safe, even there, and that the incident was over. It was not going to happen again.

I didn’t want to force her to go to Grandma’s against her will. She had already been forced to stay at the neighbor’s house against her will! I figured that I needed to find a way to help Allie work on what had happened and feel powerful at the same time.

Finally I figured out a way to use Playlistening to help. I got a long rope from the garage, and I told Allie that some day we were going back to Grandma’s but that we were going to tie ourselves together so no one could separate us! Allie laughed and the play began. I played the old neighbor, and Allie tied me up over and over with much laughter. I struggled and begged and pleaded to be released. Allie laughed and was heartless. We giggled and wrestled, tried to “get” each other with the rope, and planned how best to tie ourselves together for the trip to Grandma’s.

After awhile, I figured it was time for the real thing. I asked Allie if she was ready to go. That neighbor had moved away, so I told her that. It would certainly be safe. She agreed to go.

We brought our rope and tied ourselves together on the front lawn. We were inseparable. We hobbled over to the neighbor’s empty house, with lots of laughter. Allie wanted to peek in the windows. I said she’d have to get untied so I could lift her up. She wasn’t afraid. We untied ourselves and looked in to see the place where she had been briefly imprisoned. We talked a little, noticed everything, gathered up our ropes, and went to Grandma’s. Allie’s fears were gone.

— a mother in Menlo Park, CA.

The Car Seat Sessions

Photo (C) Dmytro Samsonov 2007

I am happy to share the following Success Story that is now referred to in our family as “The Car Seat Sessions.”

My son screamed whenever we put him in the car seat during the first four months of his life. Once he was old enough to sit face forward I thought that we had put it all behind us. But the issue began to surface again shortly after his second birthday.

It started when my son refused to go to the park with the babysitter. Then he only wanted to go out in mommy’s car. Finally his need to work out issues reached its peak. It would take longer and longer to get him in the car seat. When I finally got him in it was an endless deafening scream interrupted with “I’m stuck”! Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my son turned into Houdini and escaped from his car seat. It was now taking an average of two hours just to get a few miles.

One day, he was escaping while I drove, and I had no choice but to pull into a shopping center and park in a loading zone. I took him out of the car and held him as gently as I could while he kicked and screamed. I told him I was there for him; I loved him; I knew he didn’t like to feel stuck and I heard his frustration. A man approached and told me to move but I was dedicated to listening to my son. Soon a crowd of people began to stare. They tried to offer advice, all of which I politely rejected. Forty minutes later he calmed down and said, “Thank you, Mommy.”

We had several more of these “sessions” before he could climb into his car seat and ask me to buckle him in safely. It has been about a month now and when he needs to have a cry about something he simply asks to go to mommy’s car.  Not to go bye-bye, but to express his feelings where he knows he can have uninterrupted listening time. I am quite proud of his ability to make me listen. More than ever I am grateful for having learned how to “Listen To Children”!

— a mother in Los Angeles, CA

Emotional Project – Nail Biting

Sometimes our children are holding on to BIG feelings that can’t be released in a smaller amounts of listening time. We call these issues “Emotional Projects”.  Below is one mom’s story of how she used various listening tools, from Playlistening to Special Time to Listening Partnerships to help her sons with nail biting.

Photo (C) Dave Stiller 2004About five months ago, I realized my 6-year-old son was biting down his nails and I couldn’t remember the last time I had clipped them.

It all started when he had a toe nail infection two years prior. He started picking on the toe nail as it healed, eventually biting on all nails, even his toe nails! His 3-year-old brother started imitating and began chewing his finger nails too. One night, I saw them both biting their nails together.

I took my upset and concerns to my listening partner. I talked about my own neurotic behaviors. I talked about nail biting, how I feel about it and how I feel about my sons doing it. It felt to me as if nail biting was one of those habits that was almost impossible to shake off. I worried my sons were doomed to live with the habit for the rest of their lives.

When I saw nail biting and became antsy, I tried my best to put that feeling in my mental pocket until the next listening time. I managed not to show my anxiety to my sons 90% of the time.

A few times, when I felt relaxed and saw my son biting his nails, I sat close and kissed him on his face and finger nails, saying, “I love you. When you feel like biting your nails, I hope you can come to me and tell me how you feel.”

We also did a lot of rough-housing almost every day. I gradually became better at it. My sons became better at it too. They started to rough-house like tiger cubs, vigorously and fiercely, but with lots of glee and laughter. Then we had a family vacation, when my sons both had lots of Special Time and time to cry too.

When we came back from our vacation, I noticed both of my sons had longer nails. Finally, I clipped my son’s nails on his seventh birthday. My younger son’s nails are growing back too.

Today, I saw him putting his finger in his mouth. So I started kissing it lovingly without saying anything. To this, he said, “Mommy, I am not biting my nail.” and he wasn’t. It may be too early to say that this is the end of my sons’ nail biting. However, addressing concerns lovingly and effectively in this manner felt really good to me, and I would like to celebrate this moment of success with you.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Using Listening Tools at Home and at School

Photo (C) Federico Harald Ganss 2006

I am a preschool teacher.  There is a 3-year-old boy in my school (not in my class, but one that I see and have followed his “progress”). His teachers have shared with me that he  has big feelings about small issues.  For instance, if he cannot sit in a particular chair, or a teacher attempts to wipe his nose, he goes into a full-on tantrum—kicking, attempts at pinching, yelling accusing words, etc.

I was fortunate (and I really mean this), to be the recipient of one of these tantrums. (I relieved an aide, who was unable to see it out to the end), and was with him for at least 50 minutes.  During this time, he made attempts to kick, pinch (which he succeeded in a couple of times—ouch!), yell over & over again that I was “mean” and also repeatedly said, “it hurts, it hurts”  (I was not doing anything that would hurt him—mainly holding him to protect myself!).

In observing him, I noticed that he had a faraway look in his eyes as he was tantruming and that there were no tears.  There were a few short reprieves in which, for one, he was checking out a hangnail on this finger.  I was looking at it with him asking if I should remove it and he allowed me to.  And, as though he noticed he was calm, he returned to tantruming again with that faraway look.  I stayed very calm (though had to use much strength to keep him from hurting me–holding his hands , legs over his legs, etc. ) And I periodically repeated that he was safe and that no one would ever hurt him again.

When it was evident that he was calming down, I asked if he would now like to go outside and ride a trike, to which he agreed.  Off he went on his bike, smiling!  Later that day, when, once again, he did not get the chair he wanted, he STARTED to reach out and hit, but with pause, he stopped, and at the suggestion of another teacher to sit in another chair, he complied!  I might mention here, that he has had several tantrums prior to this one on other days.

The school also had a meeting with the boy’s parents. I emphasized how important it was for this boy to be able to off-load these deep-seated feelings and that hopefully his parents would allow this at home as well.  During the meeting, the parents expressed they were at a loss and often used closed-door time-outs for their son when he “misbehaved”.  Fortunately, the teachers here are all on board with the Hand in Hand tools and were able to communicate that time-outs would only further make the boy feel disconnected. They gently reminded the parents of the importance of listening and allowing the child to tantrum.  The parents were very appreciative for the help and suggestions.

Though the meeting with the parents was just recently, already there is a big difference at school with this boy’s behavior. He was able to self-regulate a few times already, and not reach out and hit another child, though that is what he started to do.  The tantrums, at this point, have stopped.  On the home front, his father has mentioned that he is allowing tantrums and giving his son A LOT of listening time!  To hear this gave me chills.  I know this will be an ongoing process until this sweet boy has unloaded all that he as been carrying around for probably a long time, but it is so exciting to see the results already as the Hand in Hand tools are being utilized both at home and at school!

- Sushila Hart, preschool teacher and Hand in Hand Instructor, California

Special Time is for Parents Too!

Photo (C) BCSilva 2009

We had been stuck in a rut for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. The boys were fighting constantly, bickering and annoying one another and I was at my wit’s end. Special Time had been completely forgotten in our daily routine and the children (and their exasperated mother!) were suffering. I did not feel like being with my children. I was annoyed at any and every little thing that they did.

So one Sunday when my husband was at home, I decided that we had to do some Special Time (whether we wanted to or not!). My boys jumped at the chance and each had chosen to go to a nearby park to play (as it turns out, I went to three different parks that day as they each chose a DIFFERENT one but that’s a whole other story.)

First up was my youngest. He is usually such a courageous, bold boy who doesn’t seem to be scared of anything. I witnessed a completely different side to him that day – he was scared of ants, of spiders and of any creepy crawly thing he saw. I was reminded that deep down he is just a little boy with real fears, and such cute ones at that.

Next was my 5 year old. He had chosen a decidedly adult park, with many difficult playground exercises and equipment. I resisted the urge to coax him into going to a park with smaller equipment and just launched into enjoying him. I saw his unbending determination in mastering one particular piece of equipment. He just didn’t give up until he did it!

With my 8 year old, we went to a completely new park. The playground was designed for his age and height and he tried absolutely every single thing! The rock climbing wall, the rope climb and the seat that spun around very fast (I had to get off because I was sure I was going to vomit!) He didn’t shy away from anything, trying everything with such youthful zeal. Oh to be young again.

My boys were content that evening, after they had their half hour of special time with me. None were more content than me, though as during our Special Time I noticed the strengths and fears in my children and the cuteness, the bravery and determination – things that had been buried under the drudgery that is school, work, housework, cooking, laundry and cleaning.

Special Time allowed me to fall in love with my children all over again.

- Tasmiya Hussein, Parenting by Connection Instructor

Setting Limits for Safety

My son,  Julio age 4, is frequently the youngest kid in the group of our family friends and with his cousins.  He’s very coordinated for his age and high energy.  He loves to run free and try new feats – causing me to constantly assess his safe boundaries and help him stay within
them.

On a recent sunny day the big kids were playing on the dead end road in front of the house on skate boards, bikes and scooters.  Julio and I walked down to the adjacent empty parking lot with his scooter. We talked about holding hands crossing the road and I pointed out the safe places for him to ride on his own.  That was good for awhile.

He scootered down the sidewalk and around the two levels of the parking lot.  But the big kids had a better decline going down the road and he couldn’t resist moving his scooter over to the edge of the road.  I moved in and put my hand on the handlebar of his scooter and reminded him that he needed to stick to the sidewalk and parking lot.  He started to get angry and cry.  I crouched down next to him and put my arm around him while still keeping my hand restraining his scooter. After a few minutes of raging he suggested the sidewalk on the other side of the road. I agreed and he scootered down that side.  But it was a very short stretch and soon enough he was back to trying to go on the road.

I moved in again to put my hand on his scooter to hold the limit.  He threw himself down on the sidewalk and raged and cried some more.  I decided that a good staylistening session was in need and wanted to move to a better spot for both of us.  I picked him up – leaving the scooter for my friend to pick up.  I found a hold allowing for us both to be safe from his swinging arms and legs and headed inside the house.  We settled on the couch and I held him while he wailed, stormed and cried the upset away. After about 15 minutes of tantruming he went on to have a very peaceful, cooperative evening and bedtime.

—Karen Murphy, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Oregon

Join Karen in her Building Emotional Understanding course on Monday afternoons, starting May 13.