Tag Archives: school struggles

Solutions for My Son’s Homework Tantrums

After the start of the second grade, I very quickly noticed some heavy struggles around homework come up. At the start of the year, my son’s second grade teacher gave all the parents special instructions for doing homework this year: set a timer for 30 minutes for homework time, and when that timer goes off, put the pencil down and walk away. If any tears or yelling happens before the timer goes off, put the pencil down and walk away. It was as though he was perfectly foreshadowing what we were about to see.

For a number of days in a row, when homework time approached in the evening, my son met it with resistance and frustration. I would see a range of reactions, from announcing that it was boring and he wasn’t going to do it, to kicking and yelling and crying over his homework. I noticed in myself how inflexible I was around homework time – I was frustrated that he wouldn’t just sit down and do the assignments that looked to me like they were easy enough to do with his eyes closed! It got to the point where I could not touch homework time – we just had to wait until my husband got home to do it with him, as he was somehow able to put more play and lightness to it and succeeded in helping our son get it completed. I could see that this was going to be an emotional project for the whole family and needed a new strategy fast.

I started on this issue in my own listening partnerships. I got listening about how frustrating homework was, how intolerable my sons behavior was, especially when it was always topics I know he is good at and have seen him complete with ease! I got listening around how when I was his age homework was easy for me, so why did it have to be such a struggle for him? And finally, how I don’t like that homework even exists! It cuts into our family time in the evenings, and more often than not is IS as boring as my son says it is.

Next, I made a point to do Special Time with my son before my husband got home to do homework with him. Honestly I was happy to do Special Time in place of homework with my son, it was much more enjoyable. We would wrestle, or pillow fight, or play his favorite video game depending on what he would choose. I started to notice that homework time seemed to go much easier when he would get this extra connection. I saw these as little victories along the way, but still I found that writing homework of any kind continued to be a frustrating struggle.

One evening my son pulled out his spelling and writing assignments and asked for my help. He was already upset about the subject of the homework before he even pulled it out of his backpack. I asked him to read me the instructions while I was cooking something in the kitchen. He became more and more distracted and agitated. I told him it was time to stop playing with what he was playing with and sit down to focus on homework. “Then come help me!!” He screamed. He screamed this again, and I put down what I was doing to come in closer to him. He kept yelling “Help me! Help me!” over and over again, and the closer I got to him while offering my help with my words, the louder he yelled it. He was kicking and screaming on the floor and I just continued to say “I am here to help you,” while he continued to scream for help.

This went on for some time and I continued to stay close, holding a gentle arm around his baby brother to make sure he did not accidentally get kicked. I acknowledged that homework was frustrating, that he works really hard all day at school. He screamed and kicked, and cried a small amount. After a while his system began to settle down and relax. He turned to a toy to play with and I let him take his time to play and relax while I went back to the kitchen to cook dinner.

By the time dinner was done, he had returned to the table and quietly completed his homework on his own. He was very proud of his work, and showed me each part.  In these last few weeks, I have continued my connection tools all in combination, and it has meant that I have been able to help him with his homework. He now will often complete it before my husband gets home and we get extra time to play and connect as a whole family.

 

—Natalie Thiel, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

If you have challenges around homework or setting limits, Natalie can help.  Join Natalie in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 30.  Register now!

Listen to the podcast of her teleseminar How Do I Connect With My Baby?.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet

Breaking “Bad” News

firstgrade-bearWhen my 6-year-old son began the first grade in a new school district, school went from being easy to being a big challenge for him both socially and academically. Being the youngest in his class with a late November birthday, it seemed to his teacher and me that repeating the grade the following year might be a good direction for him. When we reached the second half of the school year and it came time to make the decision a reality, regardless of how prepared I thought I had been, the emotional side of it hit me like a train.

I had all the good reasons in the world, but it was just a minefield of triggers about not being a good enough mom, feeling so embarrassed, having failed him in some way, convinced that he would hate me later for destroying his first grade social life, thinking back to the fact that his father was treated like an outcast in grade school and not wanting him to meet the same fate, and feeling a well of guilt around having to break the news to him.

Clearly these feelings were all about me, and I could see all the red flags go up when I thought of telling my son about the retention when I was in such an upset state about it. So I lined up all the listening sessions I could get. I set up with my listening partner, my Skill Building Class, and regular group phone sessions to get listening time. I got a chance to cry, to feel guilty, and offload all the horrible ideas I had of how telling him was going to go. I must have had seven or so listening sessions in the course of a week and a half, until I started to feel less charged about the matter, and far more relaxed.

Then finally, on an afternoon when I was feeling particularly calm and connected with my son, I told him simply that his teacher and I thought it would be a good idea for him to do the first grade again next year. I anticipated a Staylistening session about it, and I finally felt ready for it.

He simply asked, “Why?” I gave him the reasons and my voice was calm and confident about the choice, to which he responded positively. I watched him put all the pieces together in his head and he responded simply, “OK, Mommy, can I have my teacher again for next year then?”

As simple as that. No freak-outs. No blaming tantrums about how I was ruining his life. And whenever re-doing the first grade is brought up, he is clear and confident about it. “I get to be 7 when everyone else in my class will be 7,” he likes to say. It turns out all the emotional upset about it was mine and mine alone, and with it out of the way I was able to give it the positive light it deserved.

—Natalie Thiel, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Join Natalie in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 30.  Register now!

Listen to the podcast of her teleseminar How Do I Connect With My Baby?.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Intense Emotions and Solid Engagement – With the Magic Number Fifteen

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of hanging out (aka Special Time) turned out to be the magic formula for my then fifteen-year old daughter on this particular Sunday evening.

My daughter was in a crabby mood. She had just started a class in political science at the local community college, having signed up for it because she cares deeply about social and environmental justice. But the thought of having to do homework must have been nagging her and weighing her down. In the afternoon she had sung with her choir group in a wonderful performance and the music was still reverberating in her mind (and mine). There was no space in her mind to focus on homework. Yet, it had to be done. She had to read her textbook and then do an online quiz.

Finally, she started reading the required material. And then it happened. The tears started pouring down. The material in the textbook had moved her and allowed her to release her pent-up emotions. All of the crabbiness was a layer that eventually gave way to real feelings that had been waiting to come out. She was convinced that nothing anyone could do on this planet could ever set right all the wrongs done by humanity, both to humanity in general and to the planet at large. “Human beings have destroyed this planet. The rich get richer. How can they be so greedy? How can they do this knowing that so many people are suffering? Why are they destroying everything around them and the human race itself?”

There were intense emotions. It all came pouring out. It was now late in the night and I was tired. She needed to wake up very early the next day for another class. I was feeling the pressure of her needing to get some sleep. But I knew from past experience that if I focused on her sleep rather than on her feelings, then neither would get addressed! So, despite my own tiredness, I fortunately managed to listen to her feelings. I didn’t tell her that things would get better, which I sometimes do. Instead of reassuring her, I simply gave her my full attention with love, just listened to her, and shared the sorrow about the amount of injustice in the world. I found myself crying too, though I didn’t want her to be distracted by my tears. Thank goodness my tears didn’t seem to interfere with her emotional process. Perhaps she even found it supportive to know that I felt the injustice too.

After about fifteen minutes of this, when I asked if she wanted to go out and get some fresh air, she came out willingly. Although I had suggested the idea, the rest of the time definitely felt like Special Time, because I let her direct the walk around the neighborhood. The air was cool and invigorating. She noticed a tree that neither of us had noticed before that had fruit that neither of us recognized. She skipped with a lighthearted gait. I just enjoyed watching her and being with her. She noticed a little toddler going for a walk with her mother. We were both captivated by the daughter’s cute and determined footsteps, so we crossed the street to say Hi. And I delighted in how my daughter interacted with the toddler. Apparently the mother had tried all sorts of ways to get her daughter to eat her dinner, but had finally resorted to taking her for a walk while trying to feed her at the same time! We soon continued on our walk. There was more light-hearted skipping and talking. For a short while, my daughter’s mood shifted again and became a bit heavy, but she shook it off. The outside air sure did help with that. And after fifteen minutes of walking, we were back home again.

Shortly after that she took a quick shower and came back down to finish reading the assigned chapters in the book. She asked me about Ponzi schemes, hedge funds, and other economic and financial matters mentioned in her textbook. I was pleased that her mind was re-engaging in the material and gladly discussed it all with her. Now that she had managed to release those yucky feelings, she was finally able to think straight! Soon she disappeared into her room again to finish reading the text. She came down shortly after that again and told me confidently that she was ready to take the assigned online quiz. It took her fifteen minutes to do the quiz and she aced it!  She felt so pleased with herself and I was so glad for that.

Fifteen minutes of staylistening followed by fifteen minutes of Special Time. That was the magic formula for that day!

Of course, she still needed to wake up very early the next morning and I worried that she was not getting enough sleep. But she went to bed with a clear mind and a light heart. And I couldn’t have been more pleased about that!

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Waffles and Wiggles

One morning, my 3-year-old said, “I am my brother, not me,” while I was busy getting my older son ready for school.  Ah, a sign of something coming, I thought.  I squatted at his level to acknowledge him, but could not stop for more than a short minute.

Then, my younger son started complaining, “I don’t want the waffle cut in half!”  Ah, a louder signal.  I still couldn’t pay attention to him, though I did make eye contact with him. I was still  busy with my older son.

Then I told him that he needed to change out of his pajamas.  He said, “I don’t want to change!  I want a Batman costume.”  However, he wouldn’t change into the Batman costume which I handed to him.  He threw that away.

Then, he was sitting in front of the clothes drawer, unable to make up his mind what to wear.

He was bouncing around.  A sure sign of disconnection, I thought.

I was busy packing my older son’s lunch, and didn’t have the time and attention to Staylisten for more than a couple of minutes.

So when my older son went off to school, I offered Special Time for half an hour.

First, my son disappeared for a minute as he sometimes did during Special Time.  I begged, “Please don’t go!  Please come back!”  Then he smiled, waved good-bye and left the room.  In a minute, he came back.

Then we covered ourselves under a blanket and played with flashlights.  Lots of laughter.That turned into a physical play.  He wanted to be up side down.  So I held his feet and lifted him up.  A head stand.  He wanted me to tumble over too.  More laughter.

When the time was up, he went and changed his clothes before I even noticed.

And he ate the same waffle he had rejected because I had cut it in half.  I said, just to be sure, “I am sorry I cut it in a way you didn’t like.  How is it?”

He was busy eating, and he said, “Good!”

Laughing Our Way to Daycare

My 2.5 year old son had just transitioned to a new daycare. He had been there three days, and he had done very well with the transition. He was asking excitement in the morning to go to see his new friends at his new daycare. The teachers reported that he was playing well with the other children, eating and sleeping well, and seemed to be in a good mood throughout the day there.

On the fourth day, after driving to daycare, I went to take him out of his car seat, but he was hiding his eyes behind a cup. I thought he might be having some feelings about meeting so many new people and having to make contact with others he didn’t know well, so I decided to play with this a little by saying, “Oh – I want to see those beautiful eyes! I love looking in your eyes!” But he didn’t respond much. I continued for a while, but he kept hiding with little response.

Then I hid my eyes behind my hands, too. He saw what I was doing, laughed a little, and kept hiding, only ever so slightly peeking out the side of the cup.

He seemed to respond to this a little, so I exaggerated it a bit, to help bring out more laughter. I pretended to be playfully afraid of looking at him, “Oh! Oh! OH! I’m scared. I’m scared to see your eyes. I want to but I’m scared.” My son started giggling, so I continued. “What’s going to happen when I see your eyes? I’m scared! What’s going to happen?” He said, “Mommy…” and he tried to push my hands away. “I’m scared!” I continued to say. “Ohhh…I’ll try…” I peeked at him a little, and he was looking at me with warmth in his eyes. He held the gaze for a few seconds, comfortably, and I looked warmly back at him. Then I covered my hands again, pretending to be afraid. He laughed, then tried to encourage me to look at him, gently reassuring me it was ok. We looked at each other warmly, I said, “It’s nice to see you,” and then repeated this a few times more.

By the time I took him out of the car seat, he was relaxed and at ease. He was not only able to make warm contact with me, but he was also helping me to make warm contact with him.  It’s amazing what a little laughter and play can do.  It only takes a few seconds. I’m very grateful for these tools, because without them I would have missed the opportunity to help him playfully process his feelings. I probably would have scolded him, only making things worse. I can only imagine how different it would have been if I had said, “Let’s go, we’re late.” Or “Stop that. We have to go.” He would have started his fourth day feeling disconnected from me, and probably feeling kind of badly about himself. Instead, with just a minute or two of playful responding, I was able to simultaneously boost our connection, build his confidence and increase the likelihood that his fourth day at daycare went well.

-A Parenting by Connection parent

Special Time Solves School Struggles

My first-grader had a book report to finish after school.  We had only 20 minutes and it usually took my son about 15 minutes to finish this kind of assignment.  For my pre-reader, writing was the most challenging task, and he just didn’t like doing it.  So usually, he drew pictures and I wrote down sentences for him.  Also, he was tired after six hours of being at school and he would rather play by the time he came home.

So that day, instead of bugging him about this book report, I set the timer for a three-minute Special Time first and invited him to play.  I said, “Let’s play whatever you want to play!”  He wanted to play his favorite monster game.  So I chased him around in the house, almost catching him sometimes. I made sure he could trick me into catching a curtain, and dance away from me again and again. We ran around and he was laughing a lot.  My younger son joined in, and he did something goofy to make my older son laugh, too.  The timer went off and we stopped after one more round of the chase game.

My son was fine with ending the Special Time, but when I reminded him about the book report, he went to sit in front of the report but showed no sign of working on it.  I had to go away to take care of my younger one for a minute, thinking that he might not be able to finish his homework.

But when I came back, much to my surprise, he was writing sentences already, and he even finished with a little time to spare.  This was the very first time he wrote the book report on his own!  I was happy and proud to see this new progress after connection and play rather than unpleasant nagging.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Special Time Gets our Son to School

My husband and I took our sons to Tokyo. We stayed with my mother and had the boys go to a Japanese preschool for three-and-a-half weeks.  It was a great language and cultural immersion and bonding time for the family.  But it was a rough start, especially for my younger son, who was almost three.

On the first day my sons went to school, my younger son was very proud despite the fact that he had jet lag and it was the longest time he’d spent away from us.  He walked from preschool back home proudly chanting, “I am not a baby.  I am not little.  I am big.”

The next several days, however, he didn’t want to go to preschool anymore. He was crying over small things; he cried when I asked him to put on his sock (usually, he is quick to dress).  He had a big cry and tantrum when I stopped him from bothering his brother.  He couldn’t put on his school uniform without crying. He couldn’t change into indoor shoes at school without crying.  He would cry that he wanted me when his preschool teacher took him inside.

I worked to offer connection through Special Time every morning when he was still in his PJs.  Funny thing — for one Special Time, he chose to dress himself in school uniform! Something he had been refusing to do for days!

I used my Listening Partnership for this emotional project, and talked with the preschool teachers about my son’s need to work through some feelings about separation. We arranged to come to school 15 minutes early to start the good-bye process, leaving room for us to listen to his feelings.  We were even considering pulling him out of school entirely, as it was so hard.

On the third morning, his dad set a limit when he threw food on the floor, and my son started struggling long and hard. He was totally upset.  My husband harnessed him in his arms and, after crying and fighting awhile, my son fell asleep.

After a two-hour nap, I went to him and I still remember him looking up at me in the eye.  He told me, “I am ready to go.”  I asked where.  He said, “To school.”

The school had only an hour left by then, but we decided to go.  I was expecting resistance when we tried to change his clothes, so I stood up to get myself ready.  To my surprise, he got ready quickly, by himself, and we went out of the door.

He almost ran to school (it’s a good 20 minute walk for a child), waved goodbye to us and used the bathroom, which had been very challenging.  He finished the day well, and was still talking proudly about his day at school as he fell asleep that night.

My son did fine in his preschool in Tokyo for the rest of our three-week stay.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

A Little Listening Can Move Mountains

A friend of mine, a wonderful woman with a very positive attitude and with whom I had been doing a listening partnership, wanted to talk about a situation with her son’s class teacher.  Her son had been coming home unhappy almost every day.  She is a parent who volunteers in the classroom.  She felt that the teacher had identified some children as her favorites, with her son not being among them.

My friend’s son was in a combination class with a single teacher for two grade levels.  At the end of the first year of her being in this class, she asked for a change of class because her son had been so unhappy.  At first she met with a lot of criticism from the teacher and resistance from the principal.

My friend was naturally very distressed about the whole situation.  During a listening partnership session with me, she was able to release a lot of her anger and upset feelings about this issue and was able to cry about this.  I stayed and listened to her feelings.  And it seemed to have had the right effect!

Within a few days, she had figured out exactly how she was going to approach the situation with the class teacher and the principal.  She rehearsed what she was going to say and discussed it with the teacher and principal with self-assurance and confidence.  She finally did get what she wanted; her son was moved to a different class.

Sometimes we don’t realize the effect we can have on people, simply through our listening (or not listening).  I was moved by how a little listening can move mountains.

—Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor  Usha Sangam

Usha Sangam

Listen to a free podcast of Parenting: Going Deeper in which Usha presented. Sign-up here.

Read other stories from Usha on this blog.

You can learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Listening Tools Help Kids with School!

My daughter started at a new school this year in fourth grade and overall the transition has gone very smoothly.  The first day she announced, “Mom, I made 8 new friends.”

Yesterday she was humming on her way into the house, toting along her backpack and lunch box without me reminding her, eager to start her homework.  “I want to do the math first because it’s fun!” she announced as she zipped through the packet that will be due at the end of the week.  For the writing assignment she was slightly less eager, asking me, “What should I say about our cat?  He’s so boring!”  We talked about it for a few minutes, and she realized she had plenty to say.  “There, how’s that!” she said after reading it to me with a pleased look on her face.

Bad Report CardI could see from her satisfied air that she felt good about what she had done.  Later I was reflecting on my daughter’s entry into kindergarten, around the time I started using the Parenting by Connection listening tools regularly, and how all the listening then has set the stage for things to be going well now.  There was a time at age 5, at the beginning of the kindergarten year, when she was in bed at night crying hard about not wanting me to leave the room and said, “But then I would be alone and I don’t want to be alone!  I might not see anyone to play with.”

Having learned about Staylistening, I gently listened as the storm continued.  She cried for a while longer, and then when it subsided she looked peacefully at me (I was astonished) as I said goodnight and left the room.  Earlier in the day she had mentioned that sometimes at kindergarten recess she would look around and not see anyone she knew that she could play with. I saw how I didn’t need to try to “fix it” in the moment, but that the power of my warm listening attention could allow her to heal the hurt places.

I also remembered a particular Special Time, when I play whatever she wants to play.  She was gleefully giving me homework problems to do.  Whether I followed her instruction exactly or fumbled with a mistake, I was always WRONG.  I happily played my part in this game, exclaiming with distress how I just couldn’t seem to figure it out or do it right.

Then as I was working on the next “assignment,” she all the sudden said, “DING! It’s time to move to the next station.  No, no, stop what you’re doing!  It’s time to move on.  No, you can’t finish it!”

Again I played along, saying, “But I really want to finish!”.  Wow, did I get a clear picture of some of the stresses coming up from being in kindergarten and having something new called homework. Special time allowed her the chance to take on the more powerful role and release some of the emotional tension.  As time went on, she was able to laugh and giggle at my mistakes during these scenarios, and then eventually to offer me generous help, coaching me along patiently.

Now, we still have our afternoons when things don’t flow as easily as they did yesterday.  Upsets have happened, whining creeps in, patience is tried, and we’re both at our wits end.  I am so grateful to have the listening tools I’ve learned at Hand in Hand to help her find her way back to her self-confidence and her sunny disposition and to help me regain my buoyant perspective and clear thinking.  Even in the thick of it when I don’t know what to do, I can usually remember that there’s a way through and that things will get better.

-Certified Instructor, Emily Cernusak

You can also read more about StayListening in the Listening to Children Series by Patty Wipfler.

Listening through a Homework Challenge

My daughter was given a month to learn all the states and their capitals. She’s in fifth grade. About two weeks before the due date, she had learned some states, but not many, and I made the suggestion that we work together. I offered to help her learn groups of about six states at a time, thinking that this would help her meet the deadline.

After she memorized the first six, she got completely overwhelmed. She felt she couldn’t possibly learn all the states, and she had a huge cry. Then she proceeded to learn the second set of six states and capitals, but again she felt that this was too much for her. She had another long cry. She kept saying, “I’ll never learn this. I just can’t do it!” She also got mad at me for having this particular idea of how to learn the states, and cried about my “interference.” I was somewhat confused by this, and wondered if I had gotten too involved in this assignment.

Somewhere between the third and fourth set of six states, she again felt hopeless about learning them all, and had a third big cry. Each cry she had went on for a half hour or more. She felt she could never do the assignment, and expressed frustration and anger at me, at the assignment, and at the world. I knew that the crying would help her eventually, so I kept listening and wondering how this was all going to turn out.

After the third cry, everything changed. All of a sudden, she learned the next sets of states quickly and easily. She took on a set of 18 states and capitals, and did them all at once. Three days before the test, she asked me to quiz her on them, and she knew them all! She was ecstatic, and I think there was a part of her that was amazed that she had done something she was sure she never could do. She was absolutely proud of herself.

The day before the test, she was completely confident that she would get 100%, and she was actually looking forward to the test! She usually showed a lot of anxiety around tests, so I’d never seen her like this before. After the test was over, she expressed dismay that it was over, and she told me that she wished she could do it again! She has referred to it again and again as one of the major learning feats of her life, and she has thanked me profusely for my help with the project, saying that she never could have done it without me. It was so helpful to me to see this whole process work!