Tag Archives: teachers

Staylistening and Playground Politics

Antics on the playground can lead to solid cries at home

One afternoon when I was picking up my 1st grader from school, his friends told me he had a bad day.  According to them, he was tripped many times in PE and got excluded in the playground as he “bended” the rule and received, “You are fired!” from others.

I talked about my feelings about this with my listening partners as I was bullied at his age.

My son was certainly cranky the last 10 days or so.  I talked with his teachers and my husband about it.  I gathered information from other parents too.  His teacher dismissed it, said it was nothing.

A couple of days after his friends told me he had a bad day, My son was speaking harshly to his little brother.  I went in and reminded him that we would want to speak kindly to each other.  Instantly, he went into a big struggle and crying.

I harnessed him, reflecting inside if I had the right mind to do this.  My Listening Partnership earlier really helped, as I now had more attention available.

I hoped I was doing the right thing even though I was worried if someone were to come in and see us, that they might think I was hurting him.

I made sure he was safe, safe from furniture, safe from me, and safe from himself.  I spoke to him, “I want to hear more about what happened today.”  More thrashing.  ”You can say I can play by the rule, let’s do that again!”  I almost got hit and kicked really hard.  ”I know you are a good boy.”  More screaming and intense feelings.  Then he stopped crying and thrashing, coming into my arms sweetly.

This was all while I had to be cooking dinner.  Rice and curry turned out to be a bit chewy as I couldn’t attend the stove.  However, my son ate a lot and he was in a good mood.  He was relaxed, sweet and cuddly all evening.  He would give me small presents and even offered me a massage going to sleep, even though he is the one who normally gets one.

My son didn’t share much about school events verbally.  What he shared with us grownups was that he actually liked what happened to him.  His body language seemed to tell me otherwise, but his teacher saw nothing problematic.

When I paid attention to him, his tone of voice, body language, and his mood, it told me something else.  His daily crankiness and his friend’s story gave me a small clue to what may be bothering him.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that he was a good boy, that he could be himself and still find a place in this world and change the world.  I am glad I now can convey that, instead of having just another cranky child receiving a lecture, a time-out or a yell if I hadn’t known better.  I am grateful that my son and I feel closer at the same time he feels more relaxed and confident.

—Keiko Sato-Perry, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor

Keiko Sato-Perry

Join Keiko in her upcoming Building Emotional Understanding online class starting April 22.  Register now!

Listen to a podcast of a recent teleseminar “Parenting: Going Deeper”, in which Keiko presented.

You can read more of Keiko’s stories here and learn more about Parenting by Connection in the Listening to Children booklet set.

Starting Kindergarten

My son was 5-years-old and had recently started Kindergarten.  The first few weeks had gone well – waking up early, getting ready, walking to the bus stop, etc.  I was marvelling at how smooth this transition was going when one morning I set his usual plate of honey toast in front of him at the table and he burst into tears.

Not sure what was going on, I stood by his side and put my hand on his back and asked, “What’s wrong?”  “You didn’t cut off the crusts”, he wailed.  I decided not to offer him another batch of toast without crusts and calmly apologized and said that this was the toast for today.

He sobbed harder, his body shaking.  I pulled up a chair, got closer and put one arm around him and breathed deep – sending out calming and loving energy.  He continued to cry.  After about 15 minutes his tears subsided and it was as if an internal switch had been flipped because his usual, cheerful self returned.  He picked up his toast and started eating, chattering on about school between bites.

This was my first experience with Stay Listening and I loved it!  No need to say the right thing, counsel, negotiate, or give advice.  Being present, listening, and trusting my son’s emotional processing – this felt right!

The next morning I decided to test the process by giving him honey toast without crusts.  He took one look at the plate and burst into tears again, “I didn’t want the crusts cut off today!”  And he went into another 10-minute-long crying session while I staylistened. Same as the day before once his tears subsided his internal emotional switch flipped and he launched into his day with renewed enthusiasm. I realized that this was the release he needed to offload the tensions of starting school, being away from home several hours a day, and whatever else was going on that week.

—Karen Murphy, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor in Oregon

Join Karen in her Building Emotional Understanding course on Monday afternoons, starting May 13.

Using Listening Tools at Home and at School

Photo (C) Federico Harald Ganss 2006

I am a preschool teacher.  There is a 3-year-old boy in my school (not in my class, but one that I see and have followed his “progress”). His teachers have shared with me that he  has big feelings about small issues.  For instance, if he cannot sit in a particular chair, or a teacher attempts to wipe his nose, he goes into a full-on tantrum—kicking, attempts at pinching, yelling accusing words, etc.

I was fortunate (and I really mean this), to be the recipient of one of these tantrums. (I relieved an aide, who was unable to see it out to the end), and was with him for at least 50 minutes.  During this time, he made attempts to kick, pinch (which he succeeded in a couple of times—ouch!), yell over & over again that I was “mean” and also repeatedly said, “it hurts, it hurts”  (I was not doing anything that would hurt him—mainly holding him to protect myself!).

In observing him, I noticed that he had a faraway look in his eyes as he was tantruming and that there were no tears.  There were a few short reprieves in which, for one, he was checking out a hangnail on this finger.  I was looking at it with him asking if I should remove it and he allowed me to.  And, as though he noticed he was calm, he returned to tantruming again with that faraway look.  I stayed very calm (though had to use much strength to keep him from hurting me–holding his hands , legs over his legs, etc. ) And I periodically repeated that he was safe and that no one would ever hurt him again.

When it was evident that he was calming down, I asked if he would now like to go outside and ride a trike, to which he agreed.  Off he went on his bike, smiling!  Later that day, when, once again, he did not get the chair he wanted, he STARTED to reach out and hit, but with pause, he stopped, and at the suggestion of another teacher to sit in another chair, he complied!  I might mention here, that he has had several tantrums prior to this one on other days.

The school also had a meeting with the boy’s parents. I emphasized how important it was for this boy to be able to off-load these deep-seated feelings and that hopefully his parents would allow this at home as well.  During the meeting, the parents expressed they were at a loss and often used closed-door time-outs for their son when he “misbehaved”.  Fortunately, the teachers here are all on board with the Hand in Hand tools and were able to communicate that time-outs would only further make the boy feel disconnected. They gently reminded the parents of the importance of listening and allowing the child to tantrum.  The parents were very appreciative for the help and suggestions.

Though the meeting with the parents was just recently, already there is a big difference at school with this boy’s behavior. He was able to self-regulate a few times already, and not reach out and hit another child, though that is what he started to do.  The tantrums, at this point, have stopped.  On the home front, his father has mentioned that he is allowing tantrums and giving his son A LOT of listening time!  To hear this gave me chills.  I know this will be an ongoing process until this sweet boy has unloaded all that he as been carrying around for probably a long time, but it is so exciting to see the results already as the Hand in Hand tools are being utilized both at home and at school!

- Sushila Hart, preschool teacher and Hand in Hand Instructor, California

Two Teleseminars This Week!

“Don’t Yell at Me!” – An Introduction to Parenting by Connection Teleseminar

Led by Patty Wipfler on Thursday, April 15th

We will be talking about what makes parents feel like yelling and some healthy alternatives to reduce your stress and communicate with your children in ways that build better relationships.

Reconnecting with Your Teen - Finding Your Way Back to Closeness

Led by Jamie Anderson for 4 Wednesdays, April 14 – May 5, 2010

Participate by phone from wherever you are and see how Parenting by Connection tools can help you rekindle that closeness you remember from your teenager’s early years. We will explore how each of the listening tools can be used in your day to day interactions with your teens and track our progress toward deeper connection over a four week period.

Listening Time Helps a Mom Move Into Action

Photo (C) Andrea Kratzenberg 2009

In a Parenting by Connection Support Group I found myself speaking about my five-year-old daughter’s school and the return of my initial gut feeling that we “had to get her out of there.”

I spoke of how strong the feeling had been six months earlier, at the beginning of the school year, and how I had pushed it down, believing there were no other options open. I cried deeply about the insults and disrespect shown to children in the school environment and expressed my pent up grief loudly. I raged and shouted about the old system not working and cried and cried that having one adult with 23 five-year-olds isn’t right.

During the week following this ten minute session I found myself looking at websites of alternative schools and emailing about a homeschooling cooperative. These beginning action steps had previously not seemed within the realm of possibility.

In a subsequent group listening situation I again found myself speaking, without planning to, about my daughter’s school situation. This time, with the well of feelings already opened, I simply began by crying, sobbing deeply and experiencing strong feelings of grief for my daughter and all the other children, especially the young boys who were sent to the office and made to sit on the bench at recess when they couldn’t sit still in class as expected. I spoke of an unsettling incident I had witnessed and then moved into expressing my rage and protest shouting from the depth of my belly, “These are magnificent little beings and you are stomping on them. NO! I won’t let you. I won’t let you.”

A few days after this, I spoke with ease to my daughter’s father about the subject of considering a different school setting. I had been quite unsure of how he would respond and had put off sharing the depth of my unease about her current school. I was able to speak clearly and assertively about my feelings and what I had witnessed. He was very open to hearing me and shared some common concerns. We have an appointment to tour an alternative free school next week. It’s not yet clear what schooling situation we will choose, but it is clear that there are options available and that we are empowered to make choices from a fully informed perspective.

Having a safe supportive environment available to me allowed deeply buried feelings to surface. The listening that I received helped me to work through some of the trauma I had witnessed and shed feelings of deep sadness and grief at injustice. I suspect that some of that crying was related to my own school experiences as a shy young child. Experiencing and releasing these feelings allowed me to recover my intuitive sense of knowing what does and doesn’t feel right and mobilized me to take action to explore alternatives on my daughter’s behalf.

I have also been considering whether and how it may be possible and/or appropriate for me to contribute to positive changes in her current school. I am deeply grateful for and consistently amazed at the power of attentive listening to enable and support transformation. Nobody gave a word of advice or made any suggestions about how I might proceed. They simply listened with care, which helped unlock the power of my own innate wisdom.

- a Parenting by Connection mom

Supporting a Child in School

Photo (C) Robert Michie 2009

My daughter had just entered the first grade and she was having a tough time of it. She came home upset during the first week of school, saying her teacher told the class that they mustn’t be crybabies, and that crybabies would be sent to the corner of the room until they were ready to come back to the class.

She felt shocked and worried, and didn’t want to go to school. I listened to her feelings about it, but also determined to try to support her by volunteering in her class. My wife works during the day, but I work graveyard, so I could adjust my sleep schedule to help out there.  I went to the teacher, and was told in no uncertain terms that parents were not welcome in the classroom. She didn’t want the extra work, and was doing fine. I was so surprised! I didn’t want to give up, though.

I went to the first parent meeting of the year at the school, and raised my hand to say that I wanted to volunteer in the classroom, and asked how I could manage to do that. This time, the principal responded, and told me in front of everyone that they had a school policy of no parents in the classroom. End of discussion. I felt humiliated. By the end of this meeting, I had a huge headache. But I got some listening time a few days later, and cried about feeling like a failure at supporting my daughter. It was an awful feeling. I wanted to make school safer for her, but didn’t know what to do next.

After the listening time I began to think of how the teacher must feel. If she was calling the children crybabies, she must not be feeling very good herself. And, she didn’t know me. She didn’t know what my reasons were for wanting to be in her classroom. I thought I would make one more try.

One morning I “happened” to see the teacher as I dropped my daughter off, and told her what I appreciated about the job she was doing. I had about five or six things I could honestly say I liked about her, her classroom, and what she was doing with the children. I told her I hadn’t wanted to come into her classroom to bother her, but wanted to be there to do whatever she would find helpful, and that I was good at following directions, in case she ever wanted a hand for something special. And that I worked graveyard, so I had morning time available.

A week later, I attended another evening event at the school. My daughter’s teacher came and found me there. She told me she had gotten permission for an exception to be made to school policy in my case, and that she would like to try me in her classroom once a week for a month to see how it would work out. She was friendly, open, and warm.

Looking back, I see that the listening time helped me get my own feelings out of the way, so I could think about what the teacher needed to hear. That headache I got reminded me, “‘Hey, my feelings are really stirred up here-it’s time to figure out what’s going on for me!”

-A father in Chicago, IL

A Limit on Aggression Helps Build Connection

boy with blocksI had a student who exhibited lots of aggressive behavior towards his classmates in the form of hugging too hard, bumping into them on purpose, speaking loudly up close to their faces and excluding kids from his games.  The other children felt intimidated by this boy and some commented that he was “mean.”    I will call him Joey.

Joey’s mom had a hard time listening to his feelings at home. My impression was that Joey was in need of having a huge cry to release his pent up feelings, but he couldn’t get to tears very easily since he was required to repress them at home.

One morning at school, Joey pushed another child.  I didn’t manage to get there in time to prevent the push, but I did decide that today was the day to set a limit and get more physical with it.  I gently came over and wrapped my arms around Joey and said, “Joey, I can’t let you hurt other children.”  I pulled him into my lap with a firm hug and kept him there.

At first, he laughed and thought I was going to let him go.  I held on, gently but firmly.  He tried to get up but I held him in my lap.  I was working at helping him get to tears. When he realized I was not going to let him go, he began to struggle and sweat and yell.

I reassured him that I would let him go soon, but for now, I really wanted to keep him close. I told him he was safe, and that I loved him and I couldn’t let him hurt others.  Within only a few minutes, he began to cry in a way he usually didn’t.  He continued to struggle and sweat and cry for about five minutes.  At this point, I told him I was going to let him get up and that he was safe and I was his friend.  After moving away from me, he said all kinds of angry things like he would never be my friend and I would not be able to come to his house to play.  I stayed close but did not touch him or restrain him. I just watched and kept good eye contact and lots of warmth in my voice.

After a minute or two, he turned to the children who were playing nearby and said, “Can I play?  I can help you build that tower if you like.”  There was warmth and lightness in his voice and demeanor that had never been there before. The kids agreed and the rest of the day went so well for Joey and the others. He was more relaxed, more cooperative and more gentle than he had ever been.

- A Teacher in California