This is one teleseminar you won’t want to miss!
Join special guest, Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD., author of Playful Parenting, as he discusses the use of play in building warm, cooperative relationships and reducing the effects of stress in the family.
When: Thursday, September 16
Time: 6pm PST
Register early for call-in information!
Posted by Cynthia Klein, Certified Parenting by Connection Instructor, Bridges 2 Understanding
Photo (C) Shlomit W. 2007
Several years ago I trained as a parent educator with Hand in Hand and then became the project manager for the development of the Building Emotional Understanding Curriculum. As a private parent educator, I use emotional understanding as the basis of my work. I have a parent coaching client who is fine tuning his setting limits and listening skills wanted to share his success story with you.
Dad’s Listening Leads to Cooperation
Being a divorced dad with limited time with my 10 year-old daughter can be challenging and difficult to feel connected. I’ve been working with Cynthia on learning how to build a solid foundation through working with my daughter rather than trying to control her.
One night we went through a tussle about where we were going to eat, whether the table or in front of the TV. I decided on the table. There was some arguing, name calling and eventually my daughter was crying. I held the limit and listened respectfully. After the cry, she felt ready to come to the dinner table. She was her happy self and we had a long talk about our relatives. I learned that listening to her upset without getting angry brings us closer together.
Later, we were able to make an agreement on TV watching that felt mutually respectful. Because of the skills I’ve learned, we are having good communication, good times and our days are flowing orderly with balance.
You can learn more about Cynthia’s work on her website: Bridges 2 Understanding or contact her via email at: cynthia@bridges2understanding.com
Photo (C) Cris Watk 2005
My 15-year-old daughter hardly ever cries. It concerns me, especially now that I know how healing it is. Well, thanks to some limit setting and listening,she got a good half-hour cry cuddled next to her dad and I got a good cry as I read the loving letter she wrote me for Mother’s Day. A double whammie!
My daughter is playing spring basketball with a sports club for the first time, practices twice a week and games every Saturday and Sunday. It is worth it but it makes for a pretty hectic schedule. It takes up the bulk of our weekend, even Mother’s Day. Well, the day before Mother’s Day we were in South San Francisco for two games that were 4 hours apart, so we were there for the day. During the break I bought her a prom dress and shoes (important detail for later).
She went to hear a friend sing in a concert directly after the second game and at about 10pm I got a call. She was on her way home and wanted to know if she could go over to her boyfriend’s house when she got home. I said it was too late, especially since we had been gone all day and had to leave the house by 7:30am for a 9 am bball game and she needed to get some sleep. She began arguing and I calmly stood my ground and said we would finish our conversation when she got home.
She walked in the door 45 minutes later and I got a major ‘stink eye’. She stormed into her room, only to come out again to gruffly beg the issue. I continued to say ‘no’ and said that it made sense that she would be disappointed but it wasn’t going to happen. More ‘stink eye’ with an added ‘dagger eye’. I was sitting on the sofa calmly looking up at her. It was me and ‘dagger eye’, silently in a stare down. I was putting out my limbic love in a big way, resisting the old argument (“You committed to this bball, we have paid for it and you need to be serious about it and get sleep…blah,blah.blah…Do NOT talk to me with that tone or look at me like that…blah, blah, blah). All of those words of ‘wisdom’ that only make things worse, that I have said before, were nowhere to be heard. Instead I kept as loving and understanding a look on my face and looked into her big, beautiful, blue, angry eyes. She stormed into her room.
I sat there thinking how Mother’s Day was an hour away, I would be getting up at 7 and driving to South San Francisco with my daughter and right now I am probably the absolute LAST person she wants to be with. Sigh. A Mother’s Day to look forward to.
Surprise! Something else happened. I went to bed. At about 3am I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back in bed I found a piece of notebook paper folded by my pillow. It said, ‘Mom” with a little heart on the front in my daughter’s handwriting. I began reading and crying. It was a full page acknowledging that waking up early was probably not the best way to spend Mother’s Day, thanking me for coming to all of her games and how much it meant to her, apologizing for how she acted the night before, thanking me for buying her a prom dress even though she is so picky, acknowledging that the bball costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time but how much it means to her that we are supporting her in a sport she loves, saying she knows she can be a pain in the ass and she is sorry. “I love you and I appreciate everything you have done for me. Thank you so much for being my mom. I love you mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”
WOW. The gift of a lifetime. I was blown away. My heart was bursting.
In the morning I shared it with my husband and he told me what happened after I went to bed. My daughter’s boyfriend drove over, she went out and talked by the car for a bit, came inside, cuddled up next to dad and cried for half an hour.
No talking. Crying, sitting close, a daddy kiss on the top of her head and listening. I now understood how my miracle love letter came to be.
- a Parenting by Connection mom in California
Photo (C) Joshua Tan 2007
A friend, her grandson, my daughter and I went on a ski weekend together. My daughter is almost 9, and her grandson is 12. He has a very hard life–this weekend was, among other things, an attempt to give him a fun time and some connection with us away from the difficulties of home.
He took some ski lessons on the first day, and learned quickly. He was fearless on skis. It was a bit of a problem, actually. On the lifts, he kept wanting to lean over and spit down onto the snow. From 30 feet in the air, I didn’t think it was safe for him to lean out like that, so I kept asking him to sit back. He kept wanting to go down hills that had jumps on them, too, although he was still new at skiing.
So we all had a full first day and a really rousing card game that night, in which the kids won and we adults lost miserably in the midst of lots and lots of laughter. It was really fun.
The next morning, he was saying that he was going to go down the runs with jumps. My friend, his grandma, said, “No, you’re going to go down slopes that you can handle, so you don’t hurt yourself.” That was too much for him. He hung his head, went over to the bed, and curled up silently in fetal position.
My friend and I thought for a moment, “What shall we do?” My daughter went over to him and asked him something like, “How come you went back to bed? Are you sick or something?” but he wouldn’t say a word. He had dug deep into bad feelings.
Then, I said, “Let’s go pull him out!” My friend said, “Really??” and I said, “Sure!” and went over and grabbed one of his ankles and began to drag him across the bed. He began to kick and struggle, but I kept it on the fun side, just kept dragging him and begging him to come with us. He got me back onto the bed, and I started throwing pillows at him, and he began to laugh and get into the pillow fight. At one point, his grandma tried to hang onto him–that was too much, and he began to get upset.
I thought, “No, we aren’t going to be able to handle a big upset right now!” so I got her to let him go, and we kept on pillow fighting and wrestling for a long time–10 or 15 minutes. It was really fun, lots of laughter and good tussling. When I was getting tired, finally, I yelled, “OK, who wants to go SKIING?!” and he and my daughter jumped up, put their fists in the air in a victory V, and said, “We do!” and they hopped into their jackets and boots, did everything they needed to do quickly and cooperatively, and we went off to have another great day.
- a Parenting by Connection parent
Photo (C) Linnell Esler 2005
My wife and I have done our best to listen to our children’s feelings throughout their lives so far. We’re so pleased with them, and have used listening to help them each meet major challenges in their lives.
Just this week, my wife and I had our first upset with our almost-twelve-year-old daughter on pre-teen socializing: she and some of her classmates were planning to watch a movie in the house of one of the boys in class. Unfortunately, the majority of those friends decided that they wanted to watch horror movies. Their choice was “1408,” which the reviews indicate is a truly distressing piece of work.
Thanks to your influence, my wife and I have been clear about resisting the worst of what Hollywood offers to young people. Our daughter had big cries about being in conflict with us over this movie. My wife and I also had to process our feelings: it didn’t feel good to hear how painful it was for us to limit her social life in this way. She felt badly, we felt badly. But we held our ground, knowing that the movie was not healthy for her young mind. The hardest part was that her friends went ahead with their party plans without her.
However, our daughter is now glad that she did not attend that party, and told us afterwards that she would not have her children see such movies, either. We feel close. The limit didn’t harm our relationship! There will be lots more to deal with as our girls get older, but your approach and what we have been able to learn from you is invaluable. Your work is so important! Thank you!
–a father in Boise, ID
“Don’t Yell at Me!” – An Introduction to Parenting by Connection Teleseminar
Led by Patty Wipfler on Thursday, April 15th
We will be talking about what makes parents feel like yelling and some healthy alternatives to reduce your stress and communicate with your children in ways that build better relationships.
Reconnecting with Your Teen - Finding Your Way Back to Closeness
Led by Jamie Anderson for 4 Wednesdays, April 14 – May 5, 2010
Participate by phone from wherever you are and see how Parenting by Connection tools can help you rekindle that closeness you remember from your teenager’s early years. We will explore how each of the listening tools can be used in your day to day interactions with your teens and track our progress toward deeper connection over a four week period.
Photo (C) Am-y 2007
Our 4 year old, Owen, was very angry about something, and he bolted to his room and locked the door. He jumped into bed and screamed for me to “Go away! I don’t like you Mommy! Go away!” In the past, I was at such a loss of what to do when Owen closed the door.
I remembered a suggestion from our teacher, Tom, in BEU (Building Emotional Understanding) class to have closeness with Owen even through a closed door. I quickly grabbed a small notebook and pen, scribbled, “Dear Owen, I love you, Love Mommy” on a sheet of paper, and shoved it under the door. I told Owen that I had sent him a note under the door. He replied that he couldn’t see it, so I told him to go to the door to find it.
I heard him scramble to the door. I crept down very close to the bottom edge of the door and asked, “Do you see the note?” Owen replied, yes, and already I felt a bit better that we were at least communicating. I said I was writing more notes. I slipped two more under the door: “Dear Owen, I’m not mad, Let’s hug! Love Mommy” and “Mommy loves Owen very much” written beside a picture of a heart.
I was still worried about Owen feeling upset because he was quiet for what seemed a long time. Then I saw a note slowly appear from under the door. I read it aloud: “DEAR MOMMY I LOVE YOU LOVE OWEN.” I grew teary reading it, just so glad and relieved that my son was feeling some connection with me, even though he had been so angry.
Unexpectedly, Owen opened the door, smiled, and promptly hugged me on the floor. Then he quickly closed the door again and asked me to send him some more notes!
I told Owen that I needed to get more paper from the printer in my room. As I came back with sheets of paper, he had again opened the door. I thought he looked a little concerned, maybe because I briefly had left him. He closed the door, and I wondered if he was still upset.
But a quick moment later, I saw a pair of his scissors appear from under the door. I guess he wanted me to cut my paper to make smaller note cards.
I also received another note from him: “DEAR MOMMY I LOVE MOMMY TO LOVE OWEN LOVE OWEN”
After a few more notes, Owen opened the door a third time. We sat on the floor with Owen snuggling in my lap to read out loud some of our notes together.
The next morning, when Owen came into my room, I asked what he would like to do for our special time, he replied with a big smile: “Mommy, my most favorite fun thing to do is write notes under the door!”
And that is what we did!
- a mom in San Jose, CA
BUILDING EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING CLASSES
A new Building Emotional Understanding class will begin on March 24th for parents and caregivers in Santa Cruz. Click here to register.
If you are interested in participating in a Building Emotional Understanding class, and are not in the Santa Cruz area, please post a comment or email us at: info at handinhandparenting dot org. We will see if an instructor is available in your area or arrange a teleseminar class.
My 12-year-old daughter was mad and sad about feeling ugly and fat this morning and focusing on her “flabby” tummy. (She’s 5’5” at 12 and weighs maybe 120…so fat is not even in this county much less zip code). I chased her up the stairs and around the house saying, “You have to love your tummy!” while she laughed and laughed. I kept thinking I should be doing something to explain the damage the “beauty industry” does to us all, but then realized that laughter does her good, too, and that we adults are often way too serious!
–a mother in Seattle, WA
Now, more than two years later, I am finally ready to write about a very special moment I experienced with my daughter Anna, then 16 years old. The booklet “Supporting Adolescents” was the reason for having this wonderful experience.
We are Greek and live on a small island in Greece. It is a peaceful life when you see it from the outside but that doesn’t mean all is perfect on the inside.
I had picked my daughter Anna up from high school, and during the thirty-minute drive home we had a good talk about how the day had been for both of us. After a while we went silent and suddenly she told me she had this awkward experience with a classmate during a break. They had been standing next to each other on the schoolyard and even though they know each other a bit, they had nothing to say to each other. Anna could not come up with anything at all to start a conversation. She found there was nothing interesting to talk about with the other girl and at the same time this made her feel so boring and even ugly!
I was driving the car, listening carefully and just nodding and saying I understand. I waited awhile (thinking of what I had read in the booklet “Supporting Adolescents”), but then I couldn’t control myself any longer and started giving advice, something like, “That it is very common problem. Even grownups feel like that, and that there are tricks to get out of that situation like…” Blah, blah, blah. I didn’t really realize what I was doing, but I could feel that Anna was not listening to me. Tension was building up in the car. When we arrived at home the first thing she did was to shout angrily at her little sister without any reason!
We got into the house, and Anna went straight to her room, all nerves. I went to the kitchen to prepare lunch. Standing by the sink, peeling potatoes, looking out of the window, it all came clear to me! What had I done?!!! Again!!! Instead of sharing the pain of not being confident socially, and just listening, I had to give advice, which immediately pushed us apart and made us both feel lonely and out of touch. I started to cry quietly. I felt so sad for leaving my daughter alone all the time with her difficult feelings. And why was it so difficult to do the right thing?
I had the feeling it was too late, but then I thought, “I have to ask her to forgive me for being so stupid.” But how? I felt nervous. Maybe I would make everything worse. Anyway, I gathered my courage and went into her room, sat down on a chair next to her and saw that she looked surprised.
“What do you want?” she said with a hard voice.
“I just wanted to say I am sorry for not listening to you,” I said.
“Like when?” she said.
“Like today in the car,” I continued. “What I wanted to say, Anna, is that I have felt the way you did today at school many, many times, and I felt that way when I was your age, too, and it is awful. It is like it is a black hole opening under you, all is empty, and all is meaningless. And I never know how to deal with it either.”
Now she looked at me with a soft, warm smile. “Yeah, I know mom,” she said, “That’s exactly how it feels. But I thought you always were so confident and clever and always found solutions to everything the way you have loads of ready advice all the time! I really felt you are so perfect and I am just a hopeless nothing.”
Now, that was a good lesson for me! I never really understood before how it worked with all the “good advice.” Why something always went wrong in these kind of situations. But now it was clear what the real damage was. And it was so easy to fix! All it took was a real apology and a real listen-talk.
But why is it so difficult to change behavior? I still make these mistakes, and sometimes still I do not realize it. It seems to be so deep in me, you know, to try to help out by saying something, instead of offering listening and caring.
(The daughter’s name has been changed to protect confidentiality.)
– a mother in Greece
Free teleseminar led by Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler
Thursday, November 12th – 6 pm PST – Participate by phone from anywhere!
Telling tales or lies, stealing, and breaking the rules of the game are some of the hardest behaviors for parents to understand. What do these behaviors tell you about your child, and how does a parent guide a child who stretches the truth, the rules, and everyone’s patience?
Join us for this free Introduction to Parenting by Connection teleseminar to discuss the implications of these behaviors and the practical steps you can take to help your child bring his or her best self forward. Parenting by Connection promotes the “super-protective factor” of parent-child connectedness which guards your child against a host of negative outcomes.
At heart, your child is good. Call in to learn how to bring out the best in your relationship and see that goodness shine through.
Click here to sign up!
