Tag Archives: yelling

Repairing a Relationship

(C) Luis Brito 2009

Last night my son, 4.5 years old, was playing with this toy that made an odd noise when he shook it.  For some reason the dog was really irritated by the noise.  My son shook the toy for the third time and the dog came over all agitated and went towards my son’s face in a threatening, “If you do that again I might just have to bite you” kind of manner.

I was alarmed at the dog, and my first reaction was to get him down and away from my son “Wally, down!” I said sternly and grabbed him by the collar to get him to back off. Then to my son, “Hey, you see how Wally’s really upset, you can’t shake that again!”

Well, a moment later my son did it again.  This time he laughed a little as the dog came towards him.

Now things got a bit chaotic. As I was telling the dog to get down, my partner came over all puffed up, clearly annoyed at our son.

“NO you can NOT do that again. STOP now, you hear me,” he yelled.

I felt the tension rise in me. I was all upset too, now, and glared at my partner, thinking, “Where did that come from?  What are you doing, yelling at him?!”

My son burst into tears.

My partner shouted again, “You can’t DO that!”

I stepped in to try and stop the shouting, saying in as calm a voice as I could muster, “It’s okay. I’ll make sure he doesn’t do it again, you go back and do the cooking.”

“I’m not going to do it again,” my son sobbed.

My partner went back to the cooking.

I listened to my son cry, every now and again saying, “I’m so sorry he shouted at you. He didn’t want to, it just popped out of him. It’s not your fault.”

A few minutes later my partner came back looking sad and disappointed in himself.  He reached out and touched my son’s foot but my son growled loudly at him, “GRRRR!”  My partner walked away looking dejected. But the growling brought a smile to my face and helped me to think a little better.

Recently our son’s been playing lots of games about being scared, so I said playfully, “Oooh! Look! I think he’s scared of you.”

Luckily my partner was quick to catch on and made a scared-looking face. My son growled again. This time my partner went and hid behind an armchair and our son got up and chased after him growling, “Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrr!” There was more chasing and growling and after a little while our son was jumping on his Dad’s back and a play fight broke out. They rolled around on the floor with some laughter and giggles.

It felt so good to have helped turn this pretty ugly situation into one of closeness and laughter for all of us.

Today at preschool our son made a special “shouting box” out of cardboard and sticky tape. When his Dad came home from work he gently said, “If you are going to shout could you tell me first and I’ll go and get the box and you can shout into that instead.”  I thought his was wonderful! He was confident and thinking well enough to do something to try and help his Dad to stop shouting.

- a mum in New South Wales, Australia

Two Teleseminars This Week!

“Don’t Yell at Me!” – An Introduction to Parenting by Connection Teleseminar

Led by Patty Wipfler on Thursday, April 15th

We will be talking about what makes parents feel like yelling and some healthy alternatives to reduce your stress and communicate with your children in ways that build better relationships.

Reconnecting with Your Teen - Finding Your Way Back to Closeness

Led by Jamie Anderson for 4 Wednesdays, April 14 – May 5, 2010

Participate by phone from wherever you are and see how Parenting by Connection tools can help you rekindle that closeness you remember from your teenager’s early years. We will explore how each of the listening tools can be used in your day to day interactions with your teens and track our progress toward deeper connection over a four week period.

My Son and The Christmas Lights

christmas tree closeupChristmas stresses me out. I never have enough money or time this time of year. On this particular day, I had just walked in the house with the kids and my son went right over to the Christmas tree and started “fixing” the lights. I had just put them on the tree. He pulled at them, and he messed them up.  And I got mad.

I really blew it. I said, “What are you DOING?! You wrecked it! I can’t believe you did that!” I went on and on. (It’s so awful when you make such a big obvious mistake.) Anyhow, my son put his head in the sofa pillow and cried. So I went over to him. He kept turning away from me. I apologized. I said I’d made a mistake. I asked him if he wanted to fix the lights now and he wouldn’t touch it. I told him I knew he was just trying to help. This brought more tears from him. He was crying hard. He moved away from me. So I decided not to move toward him.

If I move in too fast when he’s crying, it seems to make him angry, and things between us get harder. Instead, I stayed on the sofa and kept talking to him. I kept asking him if he’d come sit in my lap. Then he cried harder. I guess it helps him feel how alone he feels when I’ve yelled at him. After a few minutes of crying, he came and jumped on my lap! I told him again that I was sorry. Then I said that moms make dumb mistakes sometimes, and that this one had been pretty dumb. He laughed, and we were feeling close again. We wrestled and played for a little while. Then I asked him if he wanted to fix the lights. He said yes, jumped up, and fixed the lights.

— A mother in Berkeley, California